Anyone else dreading the holidays?

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Anyone else on here dreading Christmas and New Year?

The thought of spending it alone while MM/MW carries on having good times with their spouse/kids?

Wishing they could be with you on Christmas morning exchanging gifts?

Wishing it was you they will be kissing when the clock strikes midnight on NYE?

[whichwayisup]

Why would you be alone? Do you not have your own family (mom, dad, sister, brother, extended family) to be with on Christmas day? And what about New Years, any friends that you can be with?

 

Enjoy the holiday, just because you're the OW doesn't mean your life has to stop and be sad. If this makes you so unhappy then maybe it's time to reconsider the A, think about ending it so you can find someone who will be there with you ALL the time, not just when it suits him.

[NoIDidn't]

Anyone else on here dreading Christmas and New Year?

The thought of spending it alone while MM/MW carries on having good times with their spouse/kids?

Wishing they could be with you on Christmas morning exchanging gifts?

Wishing it was you they will be kissing when the clock strikes midnight on NYE?

 

I don't know that I agree with what you are saying here, but I do understand how you came to that conclusion. Its what they tell you they were doing.

 

They tell you that they wished it was you. Truth is, you don't enter their thoughts at that moment - just like their spouse doesn't enter their minds when they are with you.

 

I just don't believe that for *most* MM/MW that they are home with their families (very busy in most instances, I wager) during the holidays and wishing it was you. I believe they will be glad to see you when they get the chance, but they already have a family and spouse for the holidays. I think they like to keep it separate but will tell you whatever you need to believe to keep it (the affair) going.

 

My two cents.

[wildsoul]

When I reconciled with my MM at the end of August, I told him that one of my concerns was the holidays. I didn't want to get back together with him unless he committed to spending them with me. Otherwise, I'd rather have continued to heal my broken heart over the fall and feel better before then.

 

He promised that he'd spend "the holidays" with me, definitely xmas eve/morning. He might have to spend xmas day with his family. (He doesn't have kids, so that's not a concern.) So we struck a deal.

 

A couple of my friends invited us to go out of town with them for Thanksgiving. My brother also invited me (and him if I want) to his house. When I told my SM about the invites, he said that he "might need to spend Thanksgiving with his W's family." WTF?

 

I haven't given him grief over it yet, thinking that perhaps he was just talking about that as an idea. I could have reacted, which might have influenced him, but I decided to act non-chalant telling him that I might go out of town w/o him. I'm going to be disappointed and irked if goes to his W's house. He continues to talk about xmas with me, AS IF Thankgiving isn't part of "the holidays."

 

I'm not sure how I want to play this out. I think I want a definitive answer from him within a week, so I can make plans and not get a last-minute surprise from him. If he chooses her, then I'll be considering breaking up w/ him again, yet I don't want to have to issue an ultimatum. Not sure how to handle it. The idea of being at Thanksgiving dinner with my friends and family, without the guy that they all know I've been dating, because he is at his STBXW's family's house angers me.

[NoIDidn't]

A couple of my friends invited us to go out of town with them for Thanksgiving. My brother also invited me (and him if I want) to his house. When I told my SM about the invites, he said that he "might need to spend Thanksgiving with his W's family." WTF?

 

WTF? I'm with you on this.

 

If he chooses her, then I'll be considering breaking up w/ him again, yet I don't want to have to issue an ultimatum.

 

Only considering it? I'd be "outta there" so fast he'd feel a draft.

 

Not sure how to handle it. The idea of being at Thanksgiving dinner with my friends and family, without the guy that they all know I've been dating, because he is at his STBXW's family's house angers me.

 

Not trying at all to project my feelings onto you, but I'd be embarrassed if I had to tell my friends and family that my "boyfriend" was with his "wife and wife's family". THEN, I'd be livid that he even put me in that position. Anger doesn't begin to cover it here.

 

May the force be with you.

[Mino]

When I reconciled with my MM at the end of August, I told him that one of my concerns was the holidays. I didn't want to get back together with him unless he committed to spending them with me. Otherwise, I'd rather have continued to heal my broken heart over the fall and feel better before then.

 

He promised that he'd spend "the holidays" with me, definitely xmas eve/morning. He might have to spend xmas day with his family. (He doesn't have kids, so that's not a concern.) So we struck a deal.

 

A couple of my friends invited us to go out of town with them for Thanksgiving. My brother also invited me (and him if I want) to his house. When I told my SM about the invites, he said that he "might need to spend Thanksgiving with his W's family." WTF?

 

I haven't given him grief over it yet, thinking that perhaps he was just talking about that as an idea. I could have reacted, which might have influenced him, but I decided to act non-chalant telling him that I might go out of town w/o him. I'm going to be disappointed and irked if goes to his W's house. He continues to talk about xmas with me, AS IF Thankgiving isn't part of "the holidays."

 

I'm not sure how I want to play this out. I think I want a definitive answer from him within a week, so I can make plans and not get a last-minute surprise from him. If he chooses her, then I'll be considering breaking up w/ him again, yet I don't want to have to issue an ultimatum. Not sure how to handle it. The idea of being at Thanksgiving dinner with my friends and family, without the guy that they all know I've been dating, because he is at his STBXW's family's house angers me.

HUH???/ Spend Thanksgiving at his wife and her family? I thought they were seperated???? Somethings not right here honey.. You sure this is a seperation, cause it does not sound like it, especially since there are no children... that would be the ONLY exception...

[wildsoul]

Not trying at all to project my feelings onto you' date=' but I'd be embarrassed if I had to tell my friends and family that my "boyfriend" was with his "wife and wife's family". THEN, I'd be livid that he even put me in that position. Anger doesn't begin to cover it here.[/quote']

You got it girl! It's the embarrassment factor that gets me steamed. And there is no way I'm gonna' make up a lie to cover for him either. So there would be social repercussions for me AND him (if we don't break up over it, that is.)

 

Do you think I should tell him my feelings, even though it's going to come across as controlling and/or an ultimatum? Or should I just stay cool and let him make his own decision first? I want him to WANT to be with me, not be coerced into it. Yet by not telling him my feelings up front, he's gonna feel ambushed later. What is the classiest and most-effective thing to do?

[wildsoul]

HUH???/ Spend Thanksgiving at his wife and her family? I thought they were seperated???? Somethings not right here honey.. You sure this is a seperation, cause it does not sound like it, especially since there are no children... that would be the ONLY exception...

They are seperated, but what I *think* is happening is this:

 

He's telling me "I don't want to be cruel; she needs time to get on board with the D; I'm not going back; I don't want to be the bad guy with her family; after we're seperated and I stop coming home, she'll accept that we are divorcing." yada yada

 

What I *guess* is happening with her is that she is begging him to end the separation, trying to reframe it as a "trial seperation," etc. and that he is ALLOWING her to have hope by not telling her that he wants a D and it's not negotiable. (Educated guesses, based on other things he's said.)

 

So let's assume I'm right-ish. OBVIOUSLY, if he spends Thanskgiving or any part of xmas with her, he is giving her & her family a clear signal that he is still her husband and it's business as usual. He told me that he's just giving her time to get used to the separation, so going back for the holiday would undo the last 2 months.

[NoIDidn't]

You got it girl! It's the embarrassment factor that gets me steamed. And there is no way I'm gonna' make up a lie to cover for him either. So there would be social repercussions for me AND him (if we don't break up over it, that is.)

 

Do you think I should tell him my feelings, even though it's going to come across as controlling and/or an ultimatum? Or should I just stay cool and let him make his own decision first? I want him to WANT to be with me, not be coerced into it. Yet by not telling him my feelings up front, he's gonna feel ambushed later. What is the classiest and most-effective thing to do?

 

Do I think you should tell him your feelings? Maybe. It depends. Let me explain.

 

In my mind, he shouldn't even be considering being with her for the holidays. They don't have children. Pets don't celebrate the holidays. She doesn't need him to hold her hand through the separation.

 

It doesn't sound like he's told her that they are separated. Forget that he's dating you, she doesn't even know that he's claiming to want a divorce. Seems like he's hedging his bets.

 

In my younger days, he would have gotten an earful. Period. And then, he would have seen things my way. But now, the best I can figure right now is to brainstorm with him about plans to spend the holidays - and see what he says. This way, you are just talking and what is really on his mind is likely to come out naturally without much hesitation.

 

Something like

 

you: What do you think we should do for the holidays? I would really like to ...? What do you think? What were you hoping *we could do?

 

If he clams up, run for the hills. If he starts talking about "after I leave my in-laws", run for the hills. If he says "but you know I plan to do blah blah with stbxw", RUN FOR THE HILLS. Or at least tell him how it makes you feel and then DROP IT and let him marinate on it. It will be hard. But he needs that time to think about what you said.

 

But the spending it with his W or her family? Unacceptable. Because I have kids, things would be different if my H and I separated. But when there are no children involved, its a little more clean cut physically (while not necessarily) emotionally.

 

Something smells. Sorry Wild.

[Mino]

They are seperated, but what I *think* is happening is this:

 

He's telling me "I don't want to be cruel; she needs time to get on board with the D; I'm not going back; I don't want to be the bad guy with her family; after we're seperated and I stop coming home, she'll accept that we are divorcing." yada yada

 

What I *guess* is happening with her is that she is begging him to end the separation, trying to reframe it as a "trial seperation," etc. and that he is ALLOWING her to have hope by not telling her that he wants a D and it's not negotiable. (Educated guesses, based on other things he's said.)

 

So let's assume I'm right-ish. OBVIOUSLY, if he spends Thanskgiving or any part of xmas with her, he is giving her & her family a clear signal that he is still her husband and it's business as usual. He told me that he's just giving her time to get used to the separation, so going back for the holiday would undo the last 2 months.

I agree... by spending the holidays, it is not allowing her to ajust, its only prolonging, unless your right with your assumption.. Makes NO sense to me... other then saying to her family that they are still a couple, just living apart for the moment:mad:

[Mino]

I am also assuming here her Family does not know that he moved out..Usually when a trial seperation is in place, the couple will try to hide this from family, friends... My sm has told everybody including family...So there are no games to play happy family to anyone

[wildsoul]

I am also assuming here her Family does not know that he moved out..Usually when a trial seperation is in place, the couple will try to hide this from family, friends... My sm has told everybody including family...So there are no games to play happy family to anyone

OMG great question! Does her (and his) family know he moved out at the beginning of Sept? It already occurred to me that she would probably be hiding it, as that fits with other things I've heard about her. For example, I know her religion forbids divorce. It would be a BIG shame for her. But it's also occurred to me that she must be leaning on her family, now that she is living alone in their big house for over 2 mos. Now, you've got me wondering! If she/they are hiding it from her family, then she'd be distraught and doing everything possible to get him to attend Thansgiving.

 

*sigh* We had a great weekend. He acts SO in love with me. He's been talking up our future all the time. It's been good. But now with this Thanksgiving issue (which isn't a final decision yet, just something he mentioned) I'm back to hating this OW role and frustrated again.

[Mino]

OMG great question! Does her (and his) family know he moved out at the beginning of Sept? It already occurred to me that she would probably be hiding it, as that fits with other things I've heard about her. For example, I know her religion forbids divorce. It would be a BIG shame for her. But it's also occurred to me that she must be leaning on her family, now that she is living alone in their big house for over 2 mos. Now, you've got me wondering! If she/they are hiding it from her family, then she'd be distraught and doing everything possible to get him to attend Thansgiving.

 

*sigh* We had a great weekend. He acts SO in love with me. He's been talking up our future all the time. It's been good. But now with this Thanksgiving issue (which isn't a final decision yet, just something he mentioned) I'm back to hating this OW role and frustrated again.

I bet thats whats going on... He maybe is leaving a back door open by telling her its only a trial seperation till he gets his head straight. No good if thats the case. My sm told family before he moved out... Maybe you SHOULD call her and ask if she minds that you date and you wanted to verify that they truly are seperated.... or maybe tell him you want to verify with the w that he is seperated,,, Like to see his face if you asked him that

[Mino]

Sure he has to act, he is trying to keep Everybody HAPPY!!!

[Mino]

Call him out on it!!! You will have your answer quickly...

[whichwayisup]

Yeah I agree. something smells and feels very wrong about him and what's really going on.

 

When you talk to him, also mention it's time for him to STOP making plans with you for the future until he can actually mean it. To plan ahead, want marriage with you, a life with you, yet he then tells you he's more than likely spending Thanksgiving with his wife and his in-laws, well - That's plain sh*tty of him and obviously he has NO idea that discredits ANY plans he's made with you.

 

Definately call him out on his crap.

[wildsoul]

Thanks everyone. I'll probably start another thread in a few days, when I'm ready to bring up T-day with him.

 

Heartbroken, back to you...

 

Have you thought about making some fun alternate plans for yourself? I seem to recall that you don't have a lot of family or friends where you live, but perhaps there is someone you want to go visit? I would strongly suggest you take charge of the holidays and lock in some plans, so that they time doesn't sneak up on you, leaving you alone and feeling sorry for yourself.

 

Last year, I was seperated from my husband and living in a new area where I don't know anyone. Because of some bad childhood memories, the holidays can be depressive for me. I was just starting to date back then, but nothing serious. NONE of my friends/family were available on xmas eve, so I spent the night alone watching movies on t.v. I felt like the biggest loser in the world, but tried to comfort myself as best I could.

 

Not wanting a repeat of that for NYE, I took charge. When my local friends all begged off on making plans for one reason or another, I realized that I couldn't afford to leave it to chance at the last minute. Some other friends of mine had moved to another state and were having a party, and when they invited me, I JUMPED and bought a plan ticket for a 2-nite getaway! It was a splurge to buy a ticket & rental car for such a short trip, but I had a fantastic time. I was a jet-setting single woman on the go. MUCH better than moping around at home like xmas eve.

 

Is there somewhere you can go? What would make you feel empowered and happy about being single? Perhaps a small adventure for the holidays is in order.

[OWoman]

Since neither MM nor I are American, Thanksgiving doesn't exist for us, but obviously christmas and new year (and, in my home country, boxing day and second new year) do. I've always hated christmas, since I was a kid - so I've always tried to hide under a rock and pretend it doesn't exist (in my home country we typically spend it on the beach anyway, so it's pretty much like any other day for me) but this year we'll be hosting MM's family for a traditional christmas, and a second one on boxing day for those bits of the family that had other obligations (the sister that has to spend it with outlaws and kids; her new partner). We've not discussed NY yet - in the past I've always partied with friends, sometimes including one or more MM in the mix, going on into brunch on the beach the next day and then sleeping it off on second NY... but depending on where MM's kids are, we may have a huge bash here to celebrate - especially if the D is finally through!!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Why would you be alone? Do you not have your own family (mom, dad, sister, brother, extended family) to be with on Christmas day? And what about New Years, any friends that you can be with?

 

Enjoy the holiday, just because you're the OW doesn't mean your life has to stop and be sad. If this makes you so unhappy then maybe it's time to reconsider the A, think about ending it so you can find someone who will be there with you ALL the time, not just when it suits him.

 

No my A is well and truly over since he just cut me out of his life with no explanation in June/July this year.

 

I am feeling alot better in myself these days but was a little upset yesterday as it was the xMMs birthday and I felt sad I couldnt share it with him or even send him an email wishing him happy birthday as he finished this on his terms and gave me no closure so how could I have let him know I was thinking of him without feeding his ego or seeming like a stalker?!

 

And its my birthday on Friday this week and I think its safe to say I wont be hearing anything from him. I just think the festive season will be more of the same lonely feelings even though the A is over.

 

But yes I will have some family and friends around me so it wont be all bad, just wondering how others on here felt about the fast approaching Christmas holidays.

[HIS OTHER ONE]

I am having an A with a MM, I have gone through this Holiday loneliness for 4 years now, every year a different story to stay home with his W (even though he swears this time it'll be over by the end of the year). Every year I ask and pretend I understand when he explains why he cannot be with me (even though it kills me inside). Well this year my sister invited us to spend TG at her house, when he said he could not I said...."I understand, I hope you understand that my ex H will be joining us then". My ex will not be there; I just felt I had to say something this year, he was speechless, he was so upset.....(think this was childish?).

[jwi71]

Seems like he's hedging his bets.

 

We have a winner!

 

He told his W: "I love you but not in love with you. I need some time and space to find myself. To gather my thoughts. No, there is no one else."

 

He tells you : " We are separated. No hope. Over by <insert date here>. Its you I want. You I love. Yadda yadda yadda".

 

He is hedging his bets. He wants to see if 1) he can be a bachelor again 2) make an R with you work (if not, go home).

 

No way, no way how with no kids he needs to spend Thanksgiving with her and her family. I also agree her family is clueless about him moving out. You need to be real careful here.

 

Does he still have his house key? You can check his key ring next time you are together. It would be very telling to me should he still have one. But be careful...something isn't right here.

[jj33]

Others will disagree but you are NOT the OW. He is separated. Or so he says if SHE does not think they are officially separated then its another story.

 

And whether he has a new GF or not, its still inapprpropriate to go to her family's house if this is something other than a trial separation.

 

I would discuss it with him and if he says he needs to go I would ask well dont they know that you are separated and getting a divorce?

 

If he says yes then well why would they expect you for thanksgiving?

 

If he says no then I would say I am disappointed I thought we agreed that we wouldnt get back together unless your separation was public I am not the OW anymore.

 

he can only put you in that place if you let him. You went back into this thinking your role as an OW was over. Dont let him put you back in that box now while he is talking about the future.

 

His "future talk" and "her family doesnt know we are getting divorced" cant exist in the same universe. No way. I would not continue to let him get away with that. No leading you on and enjoying a romantic fantasy while placating the family.

 

People have this idea its too hard I will tell them later? When its the reality and its now. Noone there is so far as you know ill or dying or anything exceptional that makes this a horrible time to lay such bad news on them. Its going to devastate the family perhaps but its the reality and the news is not going to be any prettier in 3 weeks 3 months or 3 years.

 

Truth can be hard for all involved but its all weve got...

 

Big hugs we are all here for you

[OWoman]

Others will disagree but you are NOT the OW. He is separated. Or so he says if SHE does not think they are officially separated then its another story.

 

And whether he has a new GF or not, its still inapprpropriate to go to her family's house if this is something other than a trial separation.

 

I would discuss it with him and if he says he needs to go I would ask well dont they know that you are separated and getting a divorce?

 

If he says yes then well why would they expect you for thanksgiving?

 

If he says no then I would say I am disappointed I thought we agreed that we wouldnt get back together unless your separation was public I am not the OW anymore.

 

Agree! He needs to made a decision and make a stand! He's either Married, or he's Separated (en route to Divorce). Which is it? He must decide, and let everybody know (the same info to everyone).

 

If he's separated, he must separate - no holidays with outlaws, or s2bxWs, that's history.

 

If he's married, he must come clean with you and let you know where you stand (ie, back to being the OW) so that you can decide what you want to do on that.

 

And then he must live with the fall out from whichever side (or both). He can't hunt with the foxes and run with the hares. You're entitled to know where you stand.

 

If I wanted to spend time (holiday or not) with MM and he dissed me like that, he'd be history.

 

Of course, you could always suggest to him that, since you're a couple now, he take you along as his partner if he really feels he HAS to go

[Mino]

Agree! He needs to made a decision and make a stand! He's either Married, or he's Separated (en route to Divorce). Which is it? He must decide, and let everybody know (the same info to everyone).

 

If he's separated, he must separate - no holidays with outlaws, or s2bxWs, that's history.

 

If he's married, he must come clean with you and let you know where you stand (ie, back to being the OW) so that you can decide what you want to do on that.

 

And then he must live with the fall out from whichever side (or both). He can't hunt with the foxes and run with the hares. You're entitled to know where you stand.

 

If I wanted to spend time (holiday or not) with MM and he dissed me like that, he'd be history.

 

Of course, you could always suggest to him that, since you're a couple now, he take you along as his partner if he really feels he HAS to go

So Ow , I will be facing this issue too, but mine has a child... What do you recommend there. She has no family here... he does... and she still visits with his family often.. I am sure they have invited her... ugh!!

[DealingWDrama]

Ladies, ladies, ladies - if a man is done and is ready to divorce he does NOT spend holidays with his wife - ESPECIALLY if they have no children together! I'm sure my H told his xOW that he was just doing it for the kids (holidays, birthdays, ect) but believe me from the other side of the fence that is NOT what he was saying or doing with me. If he spends any holiday or any time at all with her while he is separated you can bet she is not done with the marriage and is doing everything in her power to get him back...lingerie stores make lots of money during the holidays! Think about it. If you want him and he wants only you - then he has to make a break otherwise you are still the OW and are not his one and only.

 

When you are not the priority - you are the choice. hugs.