pushforward Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 I just really need advice on this whole situation. I'll try to keep it brief and concise. She dumped me. We were together for a year and a half. I cannot see any problems in the relationship. She said she is not ready for a serious relationship, after 1.5 years together. She said she will want a second chance in the future. But, right now she wants to be alone. I know she has been on dates and is moving on. That doesn't bother me at all. What bothers me, is I still pine after her. I have all these memories of the good. I've done things from crying to pleading with her to come back. I know, it's probably pushed her away. There is no point in trying to foresee the future. I know NC is for me. I've never felt so much hurt and feel so lonely. Part of me wants answers from her, another part of me is just telling me to let go. I'm confused because I miss what we had and know it will never be like that again. I've searched and read a lot of CaliGuy's posts/topics. I see the general idea is to focus on me. Yet, she plagues my mind. It's been 3 months since the demise of the relationship. It's been two weeks NC. I told her to not speak to me unless she wanted to work on things. It seems that Caliguy's opinion has changed over the years. From successful reconciliations to no second chances. (I'm not sure what happened, but I think I got the idea.) I love this person with all my heart, but I am facing my fears. To lose her completely. She assumed that we would always be in contact. She assumed with time, we could be friends. I know deep down in my heart. No matter how much time passes. She is in it. I rather not be her doormat either. I would love to work things out. I think I am rationale at this point. I'm not needy or clingy. I'm just debating if I really am making a healthy habit analyzing the relationship for my own faults. Maybe I lack substance because I am young? Maybe I showed too much affection? I'm trying to figure out what I did wrong. I know I didn't do anything drastic. Nothing like infidelity or dishonesty or misplace of trust. I don't think speaking to her or breaking NC is the best choice either. She ended things with me. I want my pride back. I threw it away when I asked for a second chance. Not crying. Not whining. Not begging. Just as me. As expected, she said no. I know I need to give it time. I would appreciate any advice that is given. I've read through all these topics and I know what the answers will be. But, I want to get my story out there and just let it be known. I know people have had it much worse than I. I'm selfish. I'm still naive to this big world. But, I have a heart of gold... I know people cannot give me answers of what she is thinking or doing. I just want more insight on my own actions and their perspective on the situation. Since most people here are not emotionally attached or biased to my situation. They would be able to give a clear assessment of things. (I'm sure all the dumpees will say to move on and she isn't worth it.) I know! She used to be worth it. I'm not so sure anymore... Thanks for listening to my rant.
EmperorR Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Continue on NC, it'll get easier and you will feel better each and every day. That let's be friends is garbage. Don't be a doormat, don't allow her ot go date other guys see the other side and if she doesn't find anyone, oh hey I was wrong. Do you want someone like that? The old ex you know is gone, don't blame yourself. Hell my ex cheated on me and blamed me for it even though I did nothing wrong, and for weeks it was tearing at me inside before I slapped myself. Keep NC, I know how much it hurs etc. but nothing you do contacting her being friends etc. will make her change her mind or anything.
Curmudgeon Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 She may be "worth it" but that doesn't alter the reality. Rather than continuing to set yourself up for extended hurt and disappointment it really does seem healthier to move on with your life. Cherish your good memories but believe that you'll one day have more and better with someone who truly values you. It doesn't seem to be her.
Author pushforward Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 You guys are right. I know what's right logically. Stupid heart will not follow. At that time, she was the one. Now she is not. My whole perspective on life and relationships is changing. I'm not sure if I will ever let somebody get that close to me. Not for a long time. If I do, it will be somebody who will cherish my love. I will tend to my own wounds and go through this alone. Face my fears of loneliness and abandonment. What am I really afraid of? Losing her? She's completely gone. I guess it takes awhile for reality to set in. I never thought she would do this to me. I thought she was different from the other girls. Guess I was wrong. I feel really happy some times, but then I remember the relationship. I end up falling in love with her again. Then I think about what she's done and will be doing. I end up hating her. I will ride this out and hopefully these feelings will subside. I really would like for her to beg for me back and get to reject her. (That's just the anger talking.) I probably say this stuff, but I don't know if I could hurt anybody the way I was hurt. It would be nice though. Haha, contemplating revenge never works out. It's so hard taking to focus off of her and putting it back into me. I remember why I had the attitude of I needed nobody before I got with her. People will let you down. I'm not bitter towards mankind. I'm angry at myself for making a poor choice in a mate. Life, the learning experience. Hope for her to come back? F NO, HOPE FOR ME TO GET BETTER!
EmperorR Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 You guys are right. I know what's right logically. Stupid heart will not follow. At that time, she was the one. Now she is not. My whole perspective on life and relationships is changing. I'm not sure if I will ever let somebody get that close to me. Not for a long time. If I do, it will be somebody who will cherish my love. I will tend to my own wounds and go through this alone. Face my fears of loneliness and abandonment. What am I really afraid of? Losing her? She's completely gone. I guess it takes awhile for reality to set in. I never thought she would do this to me. I thought she was different from the other girls. Guess I was wrong. I feel really happy some times, but then I remember the relationship. I end up falling in love with her again. Then I think about what she's done and will be doing. I end up hating her. I will ride this out and hopefully these feelings will subside. I really would like for her to beg for me back and get to reject her. (That's just the anger talking.) I probably say this stuff, but I don't know if I could hurt anybody the way I was hurt. It would be nice though. Haha, contemplating revenge never works out. It's so hard taking to focus off of her and putting it back into me. I remember why I had the attitude of I needed nobody before I got with her. People will let you down. I'm not bitter towards mankind. I'm angry at myself for making a poor choice in a mate. Life, the learning experience. Hope for her to come back? F NO, HOPE FOR ME TO GET BETTER! I could have wrote this myself, exactly the way I feel.
Curmudgeon Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Don't hate. It's only wasted emotional energy that is better saved for more positive feelings. As for "revenge," the best is to live well. Being angry at yourself is natural. Now forgive yourself and move on from there. Have some faith in the karma train. Without my help it has rolled-over the ex several times since the divorce and while I take no pleasure in her problems, they are what they are and I have to believe they're a direct result of her stinkin' thinkin' and hateful behavior. You'll get better as long as you don't allow yourself to be absorbed and minimized by the drama.
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