UT_longhorn Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 So Ive been dating this girl for 4 months now and its been fairly up and down. The time we spend is good as the conversation is good and the sex is great. Now when I started dating this girl, she was broken up for 1 year from her ex who was needy, clingy, controlling, insecure, which ended up driving my current GF away. He would tell her what she could and couldn't do. Put her down all the time. And just overall be controlling and mentally abusing. I'm sure it scarred her as those types of behaviors are forms of emotional abuse. Now what has been happening lately is that she takes any little thing I do and states that she is catering too much to me and that I am trying to control her. Now let me state, that I am far from controlling. She goes out with her friends, I don't care. She can talk to whomever she wants, I never question. She can be herself and I accept that. I don't ask for all of her time as I am out of town 4 days a week and we only have the weekends together so I just ask I have some of her weekend time but I think she takes that as emotionally needy because I want to spend alot of time on the weekends together. When I was out of town for a business trip last week, I emailed her and told her that I missed her very very much and could't wait to come back to hold her in my arms. She freaked out about the email telling me she feels pressured to give more back than she's ready to give...that she feels that I want her to say "I love you". How she got to that conclusion, I have no clue. Also, she says that when I say 'come over here" - which is sometimes how I ask her to sit by me when watching TV, she says I am trying to be too controlling. I once told her "hey, I really like spending time with you, do you like spending time with me (I asked this because she keeps me in limbo on how she feels for me) and she said I shouldn't have to ask because if she didn't like to hang out with me, she wouldn't be hanging out. She already broke up with me once before a month ago because she was "confused" but came back after a week and we talked things out. i think she feels pressured or smothered as she has started to distance herself from me be spending a less time with me and less emails and communication overall. Now I am a bit angry as I don't need to be treated like this. I do like her and want to help her deal with her issues, but I feel anxious many times because of her uncertainty and somehow making me feel I am to blame over how she feels. I am not completely ready to give up, but I am close to walking away from this relationship. I am very busy and do not need the added stress. Can anyone give me any advice or insight?
You'reasian Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Sounds like someone or something has created distance between the two of you? The girl I was dating distanced herself because she saw something that she was not ready to see and it just so happened during the formative part of our dating relationship. Best of luck.
sultry33 Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 After 4 months your boundaries ec should be set I dont actually think you are doing anything wrong but i think she emoitionally withdrawing from you to break up She is still hurt from her prev rs and should work on herself you cannot really help her but you could let her know your giving her space hope it works out and remember alwys look after number one;)
CommitmentPhobe Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Firstly you have very little power in this relationship. The fact that she's offered up her ex as a controlling influence in her life as part and parcel of your relationship gives her a convenient excuse to back off from you whenever she feels like it and take what she needs from you whenever she feels like that too. Well, you can play the patience game and hope she comes around, but I personally wouldn't put up with the BS, life is really really short you know.
You'reasian Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Now I am a bit angry as I don't need to be treated like this. I do like her and want to help her deal with her issues, but I feel anxious many times because of her uncertainty and somehow making me feel I am to blame over how she feels. I am not completely ready to give up, but I am close to walking away from this relationship. I am very busy and do not need the added stress. Can anyone give me any advice or insight? Are there any key incidences or events that happened around the time that she started to withdraw? Of what nature were they? How much time does she have with you (short-term & long-term)? If her company is moving her and something critical happens in the countdown until then, its going to be a gradual sunset for your relationship and for the two of you... just try to appreciate her, let her know that you really care about her and then let things be.
Trialbyfire Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 There's nothing you can do to offset emotional baggage like that. Just back off and let her work her way through them. Having said all that, although you obviously care for her, are you certain you want to carry her baggage? Seriously think about that. What kind of relationship do you really want? If it's not the type that she's capable or wanting to meet you halfway on, are you certain you want to stay the distance?
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