Author newvintage Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 Dude, I am sorry for what I said earlier. I really do feel for you. I meant what I said about him deserving to have his feelings hurt and regretting my actions for my sake, but I do regret it for his sake too. My feelings over the whole thing are kind of complex. I do focus on my family and I'm very happy. You know how when you get depressed sometimes you sit and think about one sad thing after another and dig stuff up? It's like that, when something happens at work or socially that makes me feel awkward, or embarrassed etc., I begin to think, I am such a loser, I can't do anything right, everyone thinks that I am worthless and judges me for my failed marriage. With my family I'm basically happy and secure. And it passes, just like being depressed. I don't really care about sympathy though, it is nice to feel like people care, but I am more looking for insight. Yes I do think I'm a decent person.
EnigmaXOXO Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 I figured almost anyone in this situation would have dealt with these worries to some extent, but I guess there are not too many in this situation. It’s hard to say whether all the residual awkwardness you feel is due to the circumstances under which you and your current husband met. Even though I’m not among the minority you wanted to here from ... I can tell you that what you’re feeling isn’t uncommon at all. Even among the divorced, especially when you have children in common, there are going to be situations that arise when you must socialize and interact with past in-laws, relatives, extended families and mutual friends. Divorce seldom means that your past life and all the people who were in it just miraculously disappear. And “YES” ... there are times when everyone has to force a smile and make polite small talk in spite of the heavy awkwardness. Politicians do it all the time, and if your ears are ringing when you go home, it should absolutely come as no surprise. Fact: it’s difficult for people, no matter what the circumstances, to not choose sides or have opinions of their own regarding the divorce of two people they were once close to. Whether they choose to be candid with you about their perceptions or not. And it’s completely understandable that people’s loyalties remain with the family member or friend that they are the closest to. We all do that to some extent. Newvintage, you’ve got to learn to let this stuff roll off your back and not allow it to manifest into paranioa. Otherwise, it will poison your current relationship and your fears will become a reality. If anything, this should give the two of you even more incentive to support each other as a united front. After all, that’s the kind of teamwork “good” relationships/marriages are made of.
jwi71 Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 I met my H at work 4 years ago when I was still married to my ex. We were struggling and about to separate. We parted ways about a week after my other relationship became physical. He was not a good husband, although I don't believe he slept with anyone else. And obviously I was not a good wife. My H and I are doing well and have a wonderful little 6 month old. I've grown apart from my friends over the past year or so. When we do go out with friends, it gets built up because it takes a lot of planning. And when I'm there, I begin to feel awkward and shy. I feel like no one likes me, and then after I do something social, I feel that way even more. Over the past 3 years I have had times where I feel really guilty about how we met.. Lately I can't shake this feeling. If I feel like my friends don't want me around or I feel left out.. or feel like my husband did not get a promotion he should have.. I think it is my fault and when people are nice to me they are just acting, they really think I'm an awful person. I doubt much of it is justified, no one really knew me until recently, my newest supervisor asked me a few months ago how my H and I met. It is my own guilt I guess. I am just sad and almost feel depressed for no reason, and often have insomnia, and a lot of the time can't help thinking about what awful things people I trust may be saying about me. I don't know the point of this, I guess I am venting and hoping that someone has been through something similar. Guilt is eating you up. And its a slow death. I don't think anyone can, even the OP, identify why you feel this guilt - it could be because of a failed M, or the A, or tolerating the abuse for as long as you did - or something else entirely. I'm fairly certain the anxiety you feel is affect of the guilt. And I'm not sure it will change without action. One I suppose could anesthetize guilt to the point it no longer affects you - but that's probably akin to jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. Rather, find a good IC and have a few sessions. Commit to 12. And work on it. Don't just attend and forget it all when you leave the office. I'm not sure talking to your H about this is beneficial short term. If the guilt is due to the A, then he can never be the solution. We (you the OP) won't know that unless you explore yourself. So, find a good IC and go for 12 sessions. Can you commit to that?
Author newvintage Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 JWI & Enigma thanks for your comments. It is all of those things that I feel bad about. My ex and I were childhood friends and we were very close at first. It took a while for me to lose all that affection and the result was a relationship that went on and on way after it should have died. I really have no problem talking to my H about it. He doesn't get mad. As far as he is concerned he rescued me by giving me a reason to leave a bad situation (I don't see things that way). But since he doesn't feel the same way he can't really empathize. I just don't want to bring it up when we have so little time together, we're always busy, and I hate to have depressing talks during our time alone. I can totally commit to seeing a counselor. The thought makes me feel almost queasy with anxiety, I probably will cry, it just sounds horrible. But, it is probably the best thing for it. Thanks again all.
Reggie Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Ok do you really think that is a good idea? I think that if I did apologize, whether he was gracious or took the opportunity to be mean, it may reduce the feeling I have sometimes of something hanging over my head. About two years ago he sent me some friendly emails via MySpace, just chatty, like he wanted to start talking again or be friends. I put him on ignore and never answered his emails because I did not want to be friends. I never apologized. If we did contact him, we could both apologize. Do you think he would like that, or it would upset him? I have no idea how he might react. But, i know when I have hurt someone or don something that goes against my values, I feel better when I acknowledge it and apologize. It also might give him some peace of mind in that it would let him know that what he was feeling or sensing was not imagined. Let's face it, cheating is abusive and should be acknowledged.
Author newvintage Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 You are correct, it's wrong. Back when it happened I told him everything so he knows what happened. I probably apologized, I tried to make things as easy as I could for him, stuff like paying his credit bills. Because I felt bad. I could offer a different apology now, looking from a more level-headed point of view but I think it's best we don't speak anymore.
Reggie Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 I did not realize you had done this already. I don't think it's neccessary to do it again. Perhaps there are reasons other than the infidelity that make you have these feelings. IC can help you take a look.
norajane Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 You are correct, it's wrong. Back when it happened I told him everything so he knows what happened. I probably apologized, I tried to make things as easy as I could for him, stuff like paying his credit bills. Because I felt bad. I could offer a different apology now, looking from a more level-headed point of view but I think it's best we don't speak anymore. Your marriage ended years ago. You made your apologies, as best you could at the time. There is no point in re-opening that wound for him. You are married, and have a child. Maybe it's time to accept the lessons learned, and forgive yourself?
OWoman Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Sorry, and I don't mean to be a prick seems you managed without trying, then. Wishing ill on someone because someone else hurt you does make you a prick, IMO.
OWoman Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 NV, once my MM's D is finalised we will marry, so then yes, my M will have started out as an A. Do I feel the remotest shred of guilt over it? Not at all. I feel nothing but joy, happiness, excitement and pleasure, secure in the love and trust we've built over the years. Does anyone look at us funny or say anything or act awkwardly around us, knowing how we started out? Not at all - through the entire A, everyone (his family, friends, colleagues, his kids) have been nothing but supportive. Their support helped him end the toxic M and start afresh in a "normal" R with the woman he loved, who loved him. There has been nothing negative from anyone. But then, the kind of small-minded people who'd have issues with that kind of thing are not the kind of people we hang with - nor do we count racists, homophobes or xenophobes among our friends or associates, and we certainly don't befriend religious bigots. So perhaps we're isolated from the kind of experience you fear by virtue of choosing to be with quality people rather than Jerry Springer guests, and perhaps those people are out there, making someone else's life a misery. We choose to avoid them and that, and so it's not an issue for us. There are quality people everywhere, and typically if you show yourself to be one, they find their way to you. Of greater concern to me is your own guilt. You seem really deeply cut up about this, and whether or not it was sparked by childbirth (I have had both a SIL and a close friend commit suicide through PPD, it's not to be messed with) I do think you need some form of counselling or therapy. Until you resolve your own inner issues and unhappiness with who you are and what you feel you have done wrong, you are not going to be at peace with yourself and will forever project it onto others. And, as demonstrated by some of the more toxic comments here, there will always be other damaged souls willing to amplify that for you. Ask your doctor for a referral to a professional, and find someone whose approach suits your needs. Until you learn to forgive yourself and love yourself again, you will wonder how others see you, and won't be able to be the wonderful wife and mother your H and baby need, and the great friend you're able to be to the friends that deserve you. The quality ones, not the dross.
dannydrifter Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 seems you managed without trying, then. Wishing ill on someone because someone else hurt you does make you a prick, IMO. Take it easy mother teresa.
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