newvintage Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 I met my H at work 4 years ago when I was still married to my ex. We were struggling and about to separate. We parted ways about a week after my other relationship became physical. He was not a good husband, although I don't believe he slept with anyone else. And obviously I was not a good wife. My H and I are doing well and have a wonderful little 6 month old. I've grown apart from my friends over the past year or so. When we do go out with friends, it gets built up because it takes a lot of planning. And when I'm there, I begin to feel awkward and shy. I feel like no one likes me, and then after I do something social, I feel that way even more. Over the past 3 years I have had times where I feel really guilty about how we met.. Lately I can't shake this feeling. If I feel like my friends don't want me around or I feel left out.. or feel like my husband did not get a promotion he should have.. I think it is my fault and when people are nice to me they are just acting, they really think I'm an awful person. I doubt much of it is justified, no one really knew me until recently, my newest supervisor asked me a few months ago how my H and I met. It is my own guilt I guess. I am just sad and almost feel depressed for no reason, and often have insomnia, and a lot of the time can't help thinking about what awful things people I trust may be saying about me. I don't know the point of this, I guess I am venting and hoping that someone has been through something similar.
frannie Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Hello It sounds like a lot of things are getting on top of you. I think you're probably correct that it's not justified or based in reality (the guilt, worries about people talking behind your back). Have you talked to your H about all this? Is he supportive of you? To me you do sound like you might be depressed and perhaps with anxiety or 'social anxiety'..? Could you look those things up and perhaps tell your GP how you're feeling?
norajane Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Could you be suffering from post-partum depression? If these are all new people, I doubt they would be having opinions on how you and your H met. Do you like them? Maybe you don't like them as individuals, so are giving off un-social vibes when you are around them? Or are projecting your feelings onto them?
Brimstone_Angel Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Or it could be the guilt of things left undone. There is always a price to pay for poor behavior and ill gotten gains and happiness. Maybe you need to make a confession if you have a faith or to someone who has a confidentiality clause. However, I can tell you, it is very much possible that you are correct in your feelings. It could be karma coming back on you. If you feel this way, talk to your friends. Find out if the gap you are experiencing real or imagined. If it is real, ask them why. It is hard being friends with someone who actively hurts others. One might wonder if you are willing to do that to someone you claim to love, what if you would not cheat with my spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend. Life is strange. I wish you well and that you find the answers that will bring you peace.
Author newvintage Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 Thanks for taking the time. They are old and new people. Some remember my ex but only knew him for a few months. I did start to have what seems like social anxiety in my last marriage. It seems like it has gotten a lot worse lately. I do like the people we know although I get so frustrated with the way I feel that I almost don't like seeing or talking to them. I have had several dreams about my ex also, where we are back together and I want to split up but the baby is his, not mine, and I have to decide whether to stay with him or leave the baby too (very odd). It really sucks. PPD occurred to me but my dr. said you tend to not be able to find interest or affection for the baby..I definitely do not have that problem. I think I feel depressed out of tiredness from dealing with the stress and social worrying. I would like to see a counselor but it's so hard to find time.
Author newvintage Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 Or it could be the guilt of things left undone. There is always a price to pay for poor behavior and ill gotten gains and happiness. Maybe you need to make a confession if you have a faith or to someone who has a confidentiality clause. However, I can tell you, it is very much possible that you are correct in your feelings. It could be karma coming back on you. If you feel this way, talk to your friends. Find out if the gap you are experiencing real or imagined. If it is real, ask them why. It is hard being friends with someone who actively hurts others. One might wonder if you are willing to do that to someone you claim to love, what if you would not cheat with my spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend. Life is strange. I wish you well and that you find the answers that will bring you peace. Yeah that's basically what I am afraid of. I don't think it matters that otherwise I've always been pretty loyal and trustworthy. I think that just freaks people out even more. Most of my friends have not been able to resist saying something about it at some point. A few did stop talking to me. I can deal with that. Most were fairly supportive. You would have to see the way my ex treated people to understand why. But you're right and basically just restated what I feel.
Brimstone_Angel Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Hopefully in time you will find the peace and joy you deserve. Sometimes it takes moving out of a circle in order to do so. While I do recommend you try to keep in contact with your old friends. Find new groups to hang with as well. Maybe there are local support groups of marriages in your same situations and others can share their experiences with you and your husband.
norajane Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Are most of these people your husband's friends? I agree with B_A - find some new groups of people to spend time with. It may be that you need to develop new friends as a couple. You have a 6 month old...are there playgroups or other women you can meet as a new mom? Maybe that's a good place to start fresh with no pre-conceived notions or histories.
Geishawhelk Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Or ....It could be karma coming back on you. *OFF-TOPIC:* karma doesn't do this. I'm tired of correcting these misconceptions. Karma is not a christian or Western concept, so if you don't understand it, don't use it. Thanks. *Back to topic.*
Reggie Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Yeah that's basically what I am afraid of. I don't think it matters that otherwise I've always been pretty loyal and trustworthy. I think that just freaks people out even more. Most of my friends have not been able to resist saying something about it at some point. A few did stop talking to me. I can deal with that. Most were fairly supportive. You would have to see the way my ex treated people to understand why. But you're right and basically just restated what I feel. I think it may be a manifestation of unresolved guilt, as well. The statement about being normally trustworthy is like saying. "I'm normally honest, but i did rob a bank, once." Perhaps if you apologize to your x , that might help. I see some justifying, i.e. the reference to how he treats others. Even if he is less than perfect in that regard, seems you know it was not right to cheat.
GreenEyedLady Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Mine did! We just tied the knot. At this point, I don't care what anyone else thinks. But everyone who knows me is supportive. And even the ones that don't know me, don't care. Maybe they don't think we'll last, but we'll show them.
mopar crazy Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 A friend of my parents had an A. He left his BW and M the OW. A few years later he had an A on her too. She walked into the room and heard him talking to the OW on the phone. She must have known he was having an A. She stood there listening to their conversation behind his back. She flipped out, yelled at him "IS THAT HER?!?" She threw a shoe and several names at him. They D. The man obiviously can't stay faithful. Wonder how the OW now turned W felt when she found out her precious POS H was cheating on her too?
Author newvintage Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 Of course it was not right to cheat. I could write a book about how horrible he was or all the things that went wrong between us but I was trying not to say anything about that because I know it's irrelevant to my actions. I have thought about calling him to apologize but I couldn't stand to talk to him again. I realize I have a lot of anger toward him still. Things turned out for the best because since we split up, he has been able to have the lifestyle he wants. He complained a lot that I made him miserable, we should not have gotten married, but he would not leave. Norajane, Ba, I do need to get out more, I may look for playgroups. It just sucks to meet new people. I have always worried about people privately not liking me, and I'm not sure why. When I was very little I even used to worry that my family did not like me. This is probably why I have trouble finding the strength to just say I don't care what anyone else thinks and I've found out who my real friends are and all that.
Arise_Serpentor Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Maybe you just fear the same thing happening to your current marriage! Since you were both cheaters, you have that in ya!!! Now, every time you see the same behavior you both had when you were cheating, you will think 'Is he seeing someone else??!! He slept with me while married, he is more than capable to having another relationship while married to me!!!'
Author newvintage Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 Maybe you just fear the same thing happening to your current marriage! Since you were both cheaters, you have that in ya!!! Now, every time you see the same behavior you both had when you were cheating, you will think 'Is he seeing someone else??!! He slept with me while married, he is more than capable to having another relationship while married to me!!!' No, I'm not worried about that at all.
Author newvintage Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 Perhaps if you apologize to your x , that might help. I see some justifying, i.e. the reference to how he treats others. Even if he is less than perfect in that regard, seems you know it was not right to cheat. Ok do you really think that is a good idea? I think that if I did apologize, whether he was gracious or took the opportunity to be mean, it may reduce the feeling I have sometimes of something hanging over my head. About two years ago he sent me some friendly emails via MySpace, just chatty, like he wanted to start talking again or be friends. I put him on ignore and never answered his emails because I did not want to be friends. I never apologized. If we did contact him, we could both apologize. Do you think he would like that, or it would upset him?
Holding-On Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Well first of all it does sound like post partum to me. So unsettled and a bit paranoid. Unsure of boundaries. I do not think other people are whispering behind your back all that much. People think of themselves and their problems 95% of the time. As for you ex-H I see no reason to bring that up to him. You have no interest in being friends with him. You are not good for each other. You divorced right away (within a week). Other than rubbing his face in it what purpose does this serve your ex? There is no constructive reason that I can see to tell your ex. Also I don't think you should start something up with him again. Protect your current family unit. Your husband is where your loyalty lies not your ex. Why would you hand to your ex something to hold over your husband's head? I'm guessing that your ex wasn't all that swell a guy. Other people should not be informed under whatever circumstances you were having sex with your (now) husband. That is his business too and it would likely embarass him for you to tell other people. If you ask your husband about telling your ex, what does he say?? If you had sex in a church would you go and apologize to the congregation once they arrived for Sunday service? No, you would probably apoplogize on your knees in the confessional or to god/a counsellor privately. You wouldn't make everyone else embarassed along with you. So I think maybe this is your personal private cross to bear and you need to speak with a counsellor of some type. I'm sure you can find a pastor you respect and admire (and lives in another town over?) and talk over your moral quandry. Cognitive behavioral therapy can be very good with post partum. Perhaps you can volunteer, or be a better mother or wife. Put that energy somewhere positive.
marriedandsad Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 PPD occurred to me but my dr. said you tend to not be able to find interest or affection for the baby..I definitely do not have that problem. I think I feel depressed out of tiredness from dealing with the stress and social worrying. I would like to see a counselor but it's so hard to find time. Let me just correct this little tidbit. PPD is NOT always not connecting with your baby. I had it, I was over protective of my son, I was constantly checking on him all night long, I loved holding him all day.....but what happened was my marriage suffered. I started thinking back on all the bad things in the past and what not and all of a sudden I was having panic attacks over stuff that had happened YEARS ago. I even was convinced I was HIV postive because I had unprotected sex years before with a boyfriend. No I'm not HIV Postitive, I got tested several times, trust me. Your mind has a way of doing odd things when you are depressed or have anxiety. I highly suggest seeing a psychiatrist ASAP, not a regular doctor.
Author newvintage Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 Yes we separated quickly and I was only too happy about it. I realize I'm probably being paranoid. After thinking about it again I tend to have the same feeling I've had before, that there is no reason to contact him. There is a reason I haven't done it yet and I think I was right. I figured almost anyone in this situation would have dealt with these worries to some extent, but I guess there are not too many in this situation. As far as people in my community, all they know is that I was married, I got divorced and remarried just a year later. That's if they even care, of course. I guess the insecurity is old and this is just a reason for me to think, "Everyone dislikes me..I bet I know why.. it must be because..." This worry began to get bad during my previous marriage because he tended to run off my friends. And as my love for my H started to settle down from hysterical infatuation I guess that I started to wonder what people thought, and the worry comes back. Didn't think through as well as I might have. Lol. I may try to work in visits to a therapist because I know PPD is not something to mess around with.
Lizzie60 Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 WOW.. I think you're way too hard on yourself.. relax.. Good friends will support and be there for you.. the ones who leave are NOT true friends.. who needs them? Just enjoy your life with your new baby.. never mind what other people think.. it's too late now anyway... think of you, your H and your baby.. these are the ones who truly counts.. I was 18 years with my first ex.. and it starts as an A... I was 11 years as the OW prior to our common-law relationship.. I never, like you, thought about what others would think.. all I wanted was to be happy with my daughter and him.. no one else matters..
BareGoddess Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 I guess some people would call my marriage as starting off as an "affair" although I think it's ridiculous. I met my H three days after my ex-H and I legally separated. I moved to another state. My H and I even became engaged while I was still legally married. We married 3 weeks after the divorce became legal. Granted I didn't start anything up until AFTER I moved out but if it's over it's over. You were separating anyway, right? He said you made him miserable, right? So what's the big deal? How is it cheating when there is no bond anymore and you were going your separate ways? Do not contact your ex. Nothing good will come of it. You sound like a decent person. I'm sure lots of people would want to have you as their friend. It's nice that you have a conscience about this but I agree that you're being WAY too hard on yourself. Be happy with the family you now have and the choices you made. I know I am...I've never looked back and regretted my decision.
dannydrifter Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Over the past 3 years I have had times where I feel really guilty about how we met.. Lately I can't shake this feeling. If I feel like my friends don't want me around or I feel left out.. Sorry, and I don't mean to be a prick, but I am glad you are experiencing this guilt. You should, because what you did was nasty. My wife did the very same thing to me, ran off and got married with a guy she was having an affair with. Are people supposed to give women like you sympathy? I pray that my ex experiences some guilt and remorse for what she did, because it destroyed me. I hope your guilt continues for a while. You deserve it.
Author newvintage Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 Sorry, and I don't mean to be a prick, but I am glad you are experiencing this guilt. You should, because what you did was nasty. My wife did the very same thing to me, ran off and got married with a guy she was having an affair with. Are people supposed to give women like you sympathy? I pray that my ex experiences some guilt and remorse for what she did, because it destroyed me. I hope your guilt continues for a while. You deserve it. Well, I guess if it makes you feel better, that's a reasonable thing to hope for. I think she will have some guilt to deal with, probably. I don't know if my ex was destroyed, but if so, he got his comeuppance. I really don't feel bad about him, more because I have an idea of myself as an honorable person, and I should have done myself justice by handling things better at that time. Not to sound like a prick or anything...
Mino Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Sorry, and I don't mean to be a prick, but I am glad you are experiencing this guilt. You should, because what you did was nasty. My wife did the very same thing to me, ran off and got married with a guy she was having an affair with. Are people supposed to give women like you sympathy? I pray that my ex experiences some guilt and remorse for what she did, because it destroyed me. I hope your guilt continues for a while. You deserve it. Gee , how nice of you to come to the ow/om board and vent your hatred because your wify screwed you over... You sound like a real winner..I dont blame her a bit:lmao:
dannydrifter Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Gee , how nice of you to come to the ow/om board and vent your hatred because your wify screwed you over... You sound like a real winner..I dont blame her a bit:lmao: No problem. I feel good about it knowing that her ex and his family would approve of my comment.
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