Author DealingWDrama Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 Have you considered safeguarding your existing assets by getting a legal separation agreement? In the state I live in there is no such thing as a legal separation agreement.
Author DealingWDrama Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 Do speak to a lawyer. You do not have to legally separate in order to protect your interests. Sounds like you're looking to work on your marriage and not separate anyway, no? Good luck to you. Yes we are working on our marriage. Legally the child support, if and when that comes to be, is based on his salary alone in combination with her salary. We could ask for a reduction of the amount because we are married and there are 2 other children (ours) but I don't see that happening.
Author DealingWDrama Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 I'm sure you already know that she cannot legally keep the father away. Per OWL, how are you going to handle this? In regards to both your H and the child... As of right this minute, if the child is in our life - a meeting place (nuetral) will be establish to exchange the kid everyother weekend and for 3 weeks out of the summers beginning at the positive paternity result. And actually there is a legal way she can - by doing nothing...she can deny my H is the father and not allow access to the child for paternity testing...eventually if we push the issue she would have to give into paternity testing and would have to give him his rights to the kid. I dread the next 18 years of "hello dolly" ... I dread being judged as a mother for every decision I make with this kid ... I dread the day, which I'm sure will come, when I will be accused of neglecting the kid or favoring my children over this child. I prefer not to 'think' about all of the what ifs at this moment. Once the child is here and legal ordeals commence, my therapist will make more cash than she is now. lol!
Touche Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Yes we are working on our marriage. Legally the child support, if and when that comes to be, is based on his salary alone in combination with her salary. We could ask for a reduction of the amount because we are married and there are 2 other children (ours) but I don't see that happening. I'm in the Southern US too and at least in my part of the country it doesn't matter how many other kids are involved. So I believe you're right in saying that. You're also correct that the courts do not take your income into account at all. Only his and hers. What will you tell your children? This is very difficult I'm sure. I haven't been exactly in your shoes but I've been in the past, and am now a stepmom. It's not easy dealing with the ex. And in your case it would be almost the same thing. Like dealing with an ex and having a stepchild. You sound strong. You can do this. Yes, it comes with its challenges and the child may not accept you right away. But it doesn't have to be a completely negative experience. I hope your husband is treating you like GOLD because you're a saint to stand by him. He owes you BIG time!
Trialbyfire Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 How quickly can you get a divorce in your State, in order to safeguard your children's future assets?
Touche Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Why is divorce being brought up again? The OP said they're working on their marriage. Her children's assets, future or otherwise, are not at risk. Child support will be based on their one child together and their incomes and NOTHING ELSE. You do know that right, DWD? Your best bet is to speak with a lawyer in your state though.
Author DealingWDrama Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 I'm in the Southern US too and at least in my part of the country it doesn't matter how many other kids are involved. So I believe you're right in saying that. You're also correct that the courts do not take your income into account at all. Only his and hers. What will you tell your children? This is very difficult I'm sure. I haven't been exactly in your shoes but I've been in the past, and am now a stepmom. It's not easy dealing with the ex. And in your case it would be almost the same thing. Like dealing with an ex and having a stepchild. You sound strong. You can do this. Yes, it comes with its challenges and the child may not accept you right away. But it doesn't have to be a completely negative experience. I hope your husband is treating you like GOLD because you're a saint to stand by him. He owes you BIG time! Thank you! It is difficult. I have never even dating people who had children because I didn't want to ever be involved as a step mom - my parents are divorced and I have had about 4 or 5 step dads but only one terrific step mom. I'm sure dealing with her is going to be the biggest and hardest thing to overcome and have to accept. There are still 3 months left before this child comes into the world...so I am staying strong, conserving my xanax, and attending counseling...
Author DealingWDrama Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 How quickly can you get a divorce in your State, in order to safeguard your children's future assets? It wouldn't matter if I was still married to him or we were divorced. My kid's assets and mine are all secure. Your question is valid though - I looked into it. I wanted to make sure that my kids were protected first and foremost.
Trialbyfire Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Divorce is a great way to ensure that your childrens' future inheritance is protected, if there's substantial assets to be divided. Then, in the future, the balance 50% of his estate will be allocated accordingly. I'll just assume that people are capable of understanding what I mean. This isn't legal advice and it's also not illegal.
Author DealingWDrama Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 I'm not shocked at all by all the divorce questions - I believe if I was reading this that would be my first question too. I've stepped back and looked at the situation without rose colored glasses and believe my marriage has the ability to be grand...it's one day at a time right now. I said for better or worst - this is the worst. I will NEVER be in this situation again. That's for dang sure! As of right now, I think I/We would tell our children the truth...when the time comes. We will tell them that Daddy had a girlfriend and got her pregnant and that it was wrong for him to have a girlfriend in the first place. They are oblivious right now - they are 7 and 4 years old. The hard part will be how this new child is going to be able to handle having siblings who are 'priveldged' and are given the attention of both their mom and dad on a regular basis while the new child has to only have daddy 4 days out of the month - and not alone time with him either since we are a family unit. It's going to be hard on all three kids.
jwi71 Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Why is divorce being brought up again? The OP said they're working on their marriage. Her children's assets, future or otherwise, are not at risk. Child support will be based on their one child together and their incomes and NOTHING ELSE. You do know that right, DWD? Your best bet is to speak with a lawyer in your state though. Actually there is risk. At time of death, this new child can come forth and lay claim to the estate. Now, in reality, the child probably wouldn't get much if anything - but whatever the child gets comes at a loss to DWD's children. I would say the new estate planning needs to include this child. So, yes, DWD's children will get a necessarily smaller piece of the pie. You know, that sounds cold considering my topic - but I'm not sure how else to say it. I truly don't mean to be insensitive. But there is a risk here.
Author DealingWDrama Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 Divorce is a great way to ensure that your childrens' future inheritance is protected, if there's substantial assets to be divided. Then, in the future, the balance 50% of his estate will be allocated accordingly. I'll just assume that people are capable of understanding what I mean. This isn't legal advice and it's also not illegal. Trial - in my state the spouse owns all assets. If he were to die tomorrow or 10 years from now, there is nothing the OW could do to get any more child support or other forms of cash from me. If she feels the need to have a life insurance policy placed on him - that is her business...but as far as her having any access to what I have - NOT going to happen. I'd fight her all the way to the bank...and I can afford to do it.
Author DealingWDrama Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 Actually there is risk. At time of death, this new child can come forth and lay claim to the estate. Now, in reality, the child probably wouldn't get much if anything - but whatever the child gets comes at a loss to DWD's children. I would say the new estate planning needs to include this child. So, yes, DWD's children will get a necessarily smaller piece of the pie. You know, that sounds cold considering my topic - but I'm not sure how else to say it. I truly don't mean to be insensitive. But there is a risk here. The only way that the child or OW could claim anything of mine is if she hired a lawyer...and quite frankly she can't afford one.
jwi71 Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 As of right this minute, if the child is in our life - a meeting place (nuetral) will be establish to exchange the kid everyother weekend and for 3 weeks out of the summers beginning at the positive paternity result. Good. Owl is right...get in front of this. And actually there is a legal way she can - by doing nothing...she can deny my H is the father and not allow access to the child for paternity testing...eventually if we push the issue she would have to give into paternity testing and would have to give him his rights to the kid. Ha! You refuted yourself! Nothing she can do to stop it. I dread the next 18 years of "hello dolly" ... I dread being judged as a mother for every decision I make with this kid ... I dread the day, which I'm sure will come, when I will be accused of neglecting the kid or favoring my children over this child. I prefer not to 'think' about all of the what ifs at this moment. Once the child is here and legal ordeals commence, my therapist will make more cash than she is now. lol! I hear you. Just remember (I know you will) that the child is innocent. A cute bubbly, cooing, smiling, laughing, pooping, peeing, gassy bundle of, er, joy. So to hell with others think...love and raise the child. Let your validation come from this child, once grown, who loves you. And you are handling this with amazing grace and fortitude.
Trialbyfire Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Trial - in my state the spouse owns all assets. If he were to die tomorrow or 10 years from now, there is nothing the OW could do to get any more child support or other forms of cash from me. If she feels the need to have a life insurance policy placed on him - that is her business...but as far as her having any access to what I have - NOT going to happen. I'd fight her all the way to the bank...and I can afford to do it. If he has a will, I'm uncertain that's correct. Also, inheritances can be contested.
Touche Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Actually there is risk. At time of death, this new child can come forth and lay claim to the estate. Now, in reality, the child probably wouldn't get much if anything - but whatever the child gets comes at a loss to DWD's children. I would say the new estate planning needs to include this child. So, yes, DWD's children will get a necessarily smaller piece of the pie. You know, that sounds cold considering my topic - but I'm not sure how else to say it. I truly don't mean to be insensitive. But there is a risk here. That's what a will is for. And it's up to them to decide what "share" of things the child will get. And again, divorce is not the only way to ensure the children's assets are protected. Besides, what's more important here? Assets or that DWD's kids have a secure home with an intact family? I'd gladly give up assets if our son could have a mommy and daddy who are not divorced...if that was the choice. I guess others have a different set of priorities. DWD, one thing you said stood out. Be prepared that your H might actually be spending some time alone with this child. Doesn't he ever give one on one time with your kids? Would you be able to handle that? The child won't know anything different so it shouldn't be a huge issue as far as the fact that he won't have Daddy all of the time. In fact many kids who split their time with mommy and daddy like it. They get two Christmases, two birthdays, etc. etc. Your kids might get jealous of that and think that's unfair! I'm not kidding. Anyway, you have a long way before you have to handle those kinds of issues. Stay strong!
jwi71 Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 The only way that the child or OW could claim anything of mine is if she hired a lawyer...and quite frankly she can't afford one. No. Hopefully your H doesn't pass away soon but when he does, this child, I presume grown, can sue for the estate. He won't need any upfront cash...the lawyer will take a portion of "winnings". That's the risk. And even if the child loses, he/she can tie it up in courts for years...denying it to your biological children. One way to deal with it is to plan this child into the estate now. Better yet, raise and love the child as your own. Eliminate the risk by welcoming him/her into the family (you have no choice really). Child loves you and feels like part of your family - no more risk. A play on "one way to eliminate an enamy is to make him my friend."
Author DealingWDrama Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 If he has a will, I'm uncertain that's correct. Also, inheritances can be contested. His will reads I get everything...and he gets everything if I pass...
Author DealingWDrama Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 That's what a will is for. And it's up to them to decide what "share" of things the child will get. And again, divorce is not the only way to ensure the children's assets are protected. Besides, what's more important here? Assets or that DWD's kids have a secure home with an intact family? I'd gladly give up assets if our son could have a mommy and daddy who are not divorced...if that was the choice. I guess others have a different set of priorities. DWD, one thing you said stood out. Be prepared that your H might actually be spending some time alone with this child. Doesn't he ever give one on one time with your kids? Would you be able to handle that? The child won't know anything different so it shouldn't be a huge issue as far as the fact that he won't have Daddy all of the time. In fact many kids who split their time with mommy and daddy like it. They get two Christmases, two birthdays, etc. etc. Your kids might get jealous of that and think that's unfair! I'm not kidding. Anyway, you have a long way before you have to handle those kinds of issues. Stay strong! Of course he will be able to have one on one time with the kid - that isn't an issue. What I am saying is that the exchange of the child will not include him picking the kid up at OW's house...and she will never step one foot on my property.
Author DealingWDrama Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 No. Hopefully your H doesn't pass away soon but when he does, this child, I presume grown, can sue for the estate. He won't need any upfront cash...the lawyer will take a portion of "winnings". That's the risk. And even if the child loses, he/she can tie it up in courts for years...denying it to your biological children. One way to deal with it is to plan this child into the estate now. Better yet, raise and love the child as your own. Eliminate the risk by welcoming him/her into the family (you have no choice really). Child loves you and feels like part of your family - no more risk. A play on "one way to eliminate an enamy is to make him my friend." The child will not be denied anything, ever....if my H does pass while the child is still a child, money will already have been alloted for the child's education or whatever...but until I pass there is no arguing over the estate...it's mine.
whichwayisup Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Her children's assets, future or otherwise, are not at risk. Child support will be based on their one child together and their incomes and NOTHING ELSE. Their incomes meaning MM and the OW, not MM and his wife? Because what DWD makes should have NOTHING to do with what child support he may pay later. Still a DNA test needs to be done to make sure this child is his.
Author DealingWDrama Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 Once again, I have to say - I will not take anything out on this kid...that's crazy. It's not the kids fault. Affairs are symptoms of problems in marriages - we are working on those problems...kids are symptoms/objects of affairs. If we can work past the other problems of our marriage then having another child to care for is no big deal...it's like getting the opportunity to show unconditional love to another being without the stretch marks. I told the OW that - she says I will never come within one mile of her child. I told her the courts will decide that and that I look forward to getting to know this child who will love me. That ticked her off -
Author DealingWDrama Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 Their incomes meaning MM and the OW, not MM and his wife? Because what DWD makes should have NOTHING to do with what child support he may pay later. Still a DNA test needs to be done to make sure this child is his. Paternity test will be done...no worries there! EXACTLY on the income deal...it's his and hers not mine and his and hers that is taken into consideration...and if she is foolish enough to not ask for a life insurance policy to be taken out on him - that's her foolishness. I have a responsibility to my children and to this kid as long as I am married to the kids father - not if he dies. I'm a big person but I will not give away anything that is rightfully mine to anyone else. Period.
Trialbyfire Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 For the sake of possibilities, let's lay this out in layman's fashion. This is neither legal or tax advice, just a story. Pretend that there's $2M in your joint assets. If you lock it down to a 50/50 divorce, your entitlement will equal $1M. Your ex-H will be responsible for child support and potentially alimony, jurisdiction reliant and also, whether you're working or not. When he passes away, your children will be entitled to a portion of the balance $1M. Also, when you gain control of the first $1M, you can lock down some of that into a trust fund, which could have positive tax ramifications to you. If you don't lock it down and his will expresses an equal share of all $2M, with an inheritance battle, who knows what could happen of which a substantial chunk of it could go towards a legal battle.
Trialbyfire Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 His will reads I get everything...and he gets everything if I pass...If this child is his, the child can challenge the will.
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