DealingWDrama Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 OW's lawyer contacted our lawyer and is asking or H to sign away his parental rights. I'm torn. I had hoped that she wasn't preggers...even though based on her actions and suggestions that she wasn't ... but those of you following my story know that. Strangly enough, I still find it hard to believe she is pregnant...I won't believe it in my soul until I see it. I will stand beside his decision...but it is his and I can't make that decision for him. I said from the beginning this is his mess... I have been playing the pros and cons back and forth in my mind and H and I will be discussing the situation tonight and more than likely or a few more nights. A DNA test will still be done regardless of which way this goes...
Owl Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Ask for 'proof' that she's pregnant. Just because she SAYS she is...and even just because her lawyer is asking for something...doesn't indicate that she really is pregnant. I have no idea how you would recover if he opts to keep his 'parental rights'. It would require her to be a part of your lives forever.
Author DealingWDrama Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 Believe me Owl...I've been thinking that same thing. I think that he wants to sign them away because it will be easier on the kid, the OW, and him if the kid comes into our lives when she is older. At the same time, I think it is wrong for a kid to be torn away from their father just because the conception took place during an affair. I agree with you 100% that she should still have to submit something prooving the pregnancy in the first place. BUT having a lawyer contact your lawyer is more or less a 'hey, wake up...she's preggers' flag.
Trialbyfire Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 If I recall the statistic, more than 25% of pregnancies end in natural miscarriages during the first trimester. If she's not too far along, it might become a non-issue.
Author DealingWDrama Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 She's 6 months along but thanks for the thought...it crossed my mind more than once too.
jwi71 Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 I doubt she isn't pregnant - the lawyer asked one to surrender parental rights. My advice is to keep them. This child is innocent despite whatever circumstances led to his/her conception. No need to punish the child for the sins of the father (or mother or both). And just because he may consider terminating the rights now, I don't see how he could live his days knowing he has a son or daughter. That he walked away. And how would you reconcile the child to that - daddy walked away. I couldn't do it. And I would not have a high opinion (and do not in fact) for parents who shirk their responsibilities. The child has a right to have a father. The father has a right to be part of his child's life. A duty, not a right. You don't always pick your duties and responsibilities in life, but when you have them - you have them. Cannot walk away. Despite whatever feelings you may have, do not blame the child. Do not punish the child by demanding the father keep away (if that isn't the case...sorry, not up to speed here). I would do quite the opposite - demand the father play a role. And yes, that means continued contact with her. But it is not about her. Not anymore. So, the question, to me, is - how will you deal with this?
whichwayisup Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 will stand beside his decision...but it is his and I can't make that decision for him And what is his decision? Other than getting a paternity test done? Just hope she goes away for good and doesn't change her mind, let alone try to weasle money out of him IF he signs his parental rights away.
Brimstone_Angel Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Oh the mess that adultery puts fools in. I feel for you and you are a strong woman Dealing. I hope the tests comes back negative or that the child is not his. This way you won't realize how much this situation does affect you.
jwi71 Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 let alone try to weasle money out of him IF he signs his parental rights away. Have to disagree here. If the money is child support then its owed and not "weaseling it away". And the support should be paid regardless if he signs his rights away. This money is for the child, not the mother. Are we now advocating having affairs, producing children and then running away from said children? Sounds that way to me - no role in the child's life and not pay a dime. Please tell me I'm wrong here. And yes, certainly get a paternity test done.
Lady Bird Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Something to think about, in some states merely signing away parential rights does not sign away child support, he may still be obligated to pay without any rights.
Trialbyfire Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 If the child is his through a DNA test, I recommend that he not sign away any parental rights. If she proves to be an abusive or negligent parent, she shouldn't be allowed to have free reign. Where this might impact on you, is that he'll be responsible for supporting the child to an extent thus impacting on your ability to save for a comfortable retirement or on a daily basis, ability to live in the same level of comfort. On an emotional level, it will be a lifelong reminder of your husband's infidelity. I feel for you and yet, in staying with your WS, this is your choice.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 I would advise him to wait, and do nothing now. My uncle signed away his rights to my cousin (when he was 5!!!) and ended up regretting it. Now cousin is nearly 40, and he and uncle have repaired their relationship, but cousin also had to petition the courts to restore his rightful name, the one his father gave him. There's no rush, and this is too new to make a good decision. And it is very likely that child support will be sought, whether he gives up rights or not. The only real way to avoid child support is if the child is adopted out.
sadintexas Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 You still need to check on what the laws say. I know the letter came from an attorney, but... here you CAN'T sign away your parental rights to the other biological parent unless there are extenuating circumstances. The courts have to decide and will usually only allow it if the custodial parent to be is married and the spouse is willing to adopt the child. The other is in cases of child abuse where the courts are wanting to terminate parental rights. I know laws vary from state to state, but a consultation with your own attorney might be in order before any decisions are made.
In Like Flynn Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 I agree this is only about visitation rights. She still will get child support unless her husband or future husband adopts the kid.
OWoman Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Sorry to hear it, DWD. He's made his bed and must lie in it. I guess it's just down to you now to decide whether you're going to lie in it with him, or make yourself another elsewhere. (((((hugs)))))
Author DealingWDrama Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 To answer a few questions - no one said he was going to sign away his rights...she asked for him too. In our state it isn't impossible for her to get her request. As to where he stands, no decision has been made. He doesn't want to sign away his rights...it's not right or fare of her to ask him to do so. If she really wants him out of her life and to not have anything to do with the kid, all she has to do is do nothing...in that case we would have to file a petition of paternity, have paternity established, then move forward. He isn't trying to sherk a responsibility nor is he trying to hide from it. The child isn't an issue in my marriage...honestly, the affair isn't either. Affairs are symptoms of other problems and we are dealing with those problems and in doing so are building a strong union. I just wanted to let those who were following my story in on what was happening. It helps me to discuss it with others. Also, no she is not married. If she was, in our state, her husband would be legally responsible for the child whether it was biologically his or not. It is a safe guard our state put into motion years ago to keep children protected.
jasminetea Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Will a paternity test be done? You're being very strong and dignified about this.
Author DealingWDrama Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 Thank you...and yes, if she contacts us once the child is born or contacts or attorney then one will be done. If she doesn't then that is completely up to my husband. He made this mess and I will not clean it up for him...I will stand beside which ever decision he makes, whether I agree with it or not. That being said - I personally think he should fight for his rights. I know what it feels like to not know family members because people decided to keep a child who was born out of wedlock a secret. It isn't right to deny a child access to any parent - unless there is abuse and in that case it's a different set of circumstances.
whichwayisup Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 If you and your husband have it in you to love eachother and want your marriage to work, and both of you want this child in your lives (that is, IF it's actually his) then there's no reason why all of you can't sit down and work out visitation etc.. This child could be loved and cared for by many, but only if everyone works together. Is this something your husband may want?
Owl Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Thank you...and yes, if she contacts us once the child is born or contacts or attorney then one will be done. If she doesn't then that is completely up to my husband. He made this mess and I will not clean it up for him...I will stand beside which ever decision he makes, whether I agree with it or not. That being said - I personally think he should fight for his rights. I know what it feels like to not know family members because people decided to keep a child who was born out of wedlock a secret. It isn't right to deny a child access to any parent - unless there is abuse and in that case it's a different set of circumstances. I'd heartily suggest that the two of you work out a couple of gameplans...now, BEFORE you need to implement them. One for how to handle things if he signs away his rights. How will he feel about it, how will he and you both deal with the emotional impacts? Another for how to handle it if he opts to remain part of the child's life. The issue here is to find ways to safeguard your marriage...both from continued contact with the OW, AND in how to manage and deal with the fear and pain that this will all cause for you. Start planning and working through things NOW...its always better to ACT than to REACT.
Author DealingWDrama Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 No fears Owl we are reacting...thank you for your continued advice...as of right now we are going to be starting counseling soon...I'm making the call to start the sessions...
Author DealingWDrama Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 If you and your husband have it in you to love eachother and want your marriage to work, and both of you want this child in your lives (that is, IF it's actually his) then there's no reason why all of you can't sit down and work out visitation etc.. This child could be loved and cared for by many, but only if everyone works together. Is this something your husband may want? There are 100 reasons why we can't sit down like adults and talk about visitation and other things...and each and every one of the reasons points to the OW wanting him or me to not have any access to the kid period. There is a part of me that understands why she wouldn't want her child to have a relationship with him or me. That part is the mom in me...he lied to her and destroyed every since of her faith in him. Why would she want to allow him access to her child so he could do that to the child. I'm not saying he would destroy the kid or anything like that - I have simply tried to put myself in her shoes to attempt understanding her point of view.
Trialbyfire Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Have you considered safeguarding your existing assets by getting a legal separation agreement?
Touche Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Do speak to a lawyer. You do not have to legally separate in order to protect your interests. Sounds like you're looking to work on your marriage and not separate anyway, no? Good luck to you.
jwi71 Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 There are 100 reasons why we can't sit down like adults and talk about visitation and other things...and each and every one of the reasons points to the OW wanting him or me to not have any access to the kid period. There is a part of me that understands why she wouldn't want her child to have a relationship with him or me. That part is the mom in me...he lied to her and destroyed every since of her faith in him. Why would she want to allow him access to her child so he could do that to the child. I'm not saying he would destroy the kid or anything like that - I have simply tried to put myself in her shoes to attempt understanding her point of view. I'm sure you already know that she cannot legally keep the father away. Per OWL, how are you going to handle this? In regards to both your H and the child...
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