beyondsad Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 It has been 2 months since I found out. Husband and I are working hard on our recovery. He is doing everything saying everything sex is awesome but I can't stop thinking about her. I want to call her , fight her something. We live in a small town and I have to pass her work/home to p/u son and seeing her SUV makes me want to do somehting. He has NC and as far as I know she has nc him. When I am going to stop wanting to confront her. And if I did confront her what the hell would I say- I hope she gets a horrible disfiguring disease and rots away. I heard her H filed for divorce and she now has 3 kids to raise. Did she really think my H would leave me for her. I am rambling - I wish I could turn my mind off! and just get over it. I want my life back.
troubadour Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Beyondsad, Are trying to say that your husband was a rape victim in his affair with OW... it looks like. If the OW deserves to get a horrible disfiguring diesese and to rot away... how about your husband? I bet you go church every Sunday, don't you.
jmargel Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 This OW has no loyality to you. Nothing you could say or do to her would make anything better. It would just give her some satisifcation perhaps. It's your husband that has the loyalty towards you that he disrespected. I'm sure he's telling you thing you want to hear, which makes you more upset at this other woman. That are perhaps you can't stand to think that your husband could actually do this to you.
Owl Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Its pretty common to obsess about the OM/OW after an affair is found out. Most BS's go through this to some degree. The trick is to realize that she's not really the problem...as long as she remains out of the picture. Your best bet is to try to focus as best as you can on repairing your marriage and rebuilding your relationship with your H. She'll fade into insignificance as things improve with your H. Are you in marriage counseling with your H? What specifically are you doing to fix things there?
skywriter Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 It took both your H and the OW to be in an A. The OW is human too and sure she made a wrong choice to be with a MM. She probably is suffering if her M is breaking up and obviously she isn't involved with your H anymore as well. Sounds to me like your H had his cake and is eating it too. He made out great, like you said, the sex is great! What a guy! He's still making out!
DealingWDrama Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 I understand what you mean...I wish I could say that the time and day does come that the things you wish you had said or done stops - I'm told that the day is coming...but like you...still fresh in my mind. I do believe in karma to a degree - she and your husband both will get 10 fold the pain and heartache you are experiencing..."Vengence is mine saith the Lord."
Brimstone_Angel Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 I would recommend you have a sit down with her and let her know how you feel. I would suggest a third party be there, someone of neutral standing. You get off your chest what you feel about her, him, and the situation. And then you tell her to stay away or she will face the consequences of her actions. Or even better, see what kind of lawsuit you can bring against her, maybe there might be a special case for mental anguish caused by their action that you could sue her for. If you can, hit her in her pockets. Just like you should not let your husband off the hook and I am sure your not. The other woman is not an innocent victim unless your husband lied to her about his marital status. Go get her Tigress.
Reggie Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Beyondsad, Are trying to say that your husband was a rape victim in his affair with OW... it looks like. If the OW deserves to get a horrible disfiguring diesese and to rot away... how about your husband? I bet you go church every Sunday, don't you. Feeling pissed at the OW and having anger, sadness, resentment toward her H are not mutually exclusive. It isn't that complicated. As for going to church, having feelings and acting on them are not the same. Again, not a terribly complex concept. I know how you feel. I'd like to punch the lights out of the OM and I still feel my XW is trash. Perfectly natural to feel this way.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 op - the only person you should be confronting is you.... your marriage failed/failing and you want to take out your anger on people that were there for each other when you failed to be there. Now, you H is no better; but your anger will make you sick. It's not the OW that's the problem in your marriage; it's the people in your marriage that are the problem with the marriage. Seek therapy and they will help you.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 Feeling pissed at the OW and having anger, sadness, resentment toward her H are not mutually exclusive. It isn't that complicated. As for going to church, having feelings and acting on them are not the same. Again, not a terribly complex concept. I know how you feel. I'd like to punch the lights out of the OM and I still feel my XW is trash. Perfectly natural to feel this way. This should be an initial response, but not a concept or longer term reaction. If it is, seek therapy to discuss what is behind all the anger.
Reggie Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 op - the only person you should be confronting is you.... your marriage failed/failing and you want to take out your anger on people that were there for each other when you failed to be there. Now, you H is no better; but your anger will make you sick. It's not the OW that's the problem in your marriage; it's the people in your marriage that are the problem with the marriage. Seek therapy and they will help you. This is ridiculous and the person giving this advice is in no position to know anything about your marriage. It's one of the dumbest thing's I've seen yet on this site.
Reggie Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 This should be an initial response, but not a concept or longer term reaction. If it is, seek therapy to discuss what is behind all the anger. It should be obvious what is behind the anger. Infidelity is considered by most therapsits to be the most severe form of emotional abuse. If people engage in abusive behavior, it's bound to bring about pain, anger, resentment etc. I think therapy is a good idea. But, the anger etc is completely normal and appropriate. Therapy will help her deal with the pain and the decison as to whether it is best to stay with an abuser.
frannie Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 It has been 2 months since I found out. Husband and I are working hard on our recovery. He is doing everything saying everything sex is awesome but I can't stop thinking about her. I want to call her , fight her something. We live in a small town and I have to pass her work/home to p/u son and seeing her SUV makes me want to do somehting. He has NC and as far as I know she has nc him. When I am going to stop wanting to confront her. And if I did confront her what the hell would I say- I hope she gets a horrible disfiguring disease and rots away. I heard her H filed for divorce and she now has 3 kids to raise. Did she really think my H would leave me for her. I am rambling - I wish I could turn my mind off! and just get over it. I want my life back. It's still very closde to d-day, and from what I've seen, these feelings can take a long time to go away. If your H is doing and saying everything 'right' I think the anger you 'should' be feeling towards him for cheating on you has to go somewhere... of course the OW is the obvious target for that anger. You want to hurt her more because its really hard to hurt or feel anger towards the man who is 'loving' you right now (with his 'right' words and actions). Maybe if you could lay some of the blame at his feet your feelings towards her would subside? Not saying they would go away but perhaps become easier to deal with and more in keeping with the fact that it was he who betrayed you. I'm an ex-OW whose BS felt the need to keep contacting me after d-day. All I can say is that her venting and anger only did one thing: kept me locked into a connection with him. The first thing your OW is going to think of if you contact her is to get onto your H about it. At the moment you think they have NC? Contacting her might start the whole cycle off again.
Angel1111 Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 It should be obvious what is behind the anger. Infidelity is considered by most therapsits to be the most severe form of emotional abuse. If people engage in abusive behavior, it's bound to bring about pain, anger, resentment etc. I think therapy is a good idea. But, the anger etc is completely normal and appropriate. Therapy will help her deal with the pain and the decison as to whether it is best to stay with an abuser. Emotional ABUSE? I've never heard that term used in reference to infidelity. Is it emotionally traumatic? Yes. Abuse? I question that because it implies that it was a deliberate act designed to hurt the other party, and is something that was done repeatedly. (Yeah, I know you're going to say it was repeated because they had sex more than once. I'm still not buying the abuse thing.)
Angel1111 Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 Did she really think my H would leave me for her. Yes, she probably did think that because he probably did or said something to indicate that he would. Actually, cheating is a pretty good 'statement' that says he's likely to leave because it basically says that he's not that into the marriage and that he's willing to go that far to put it at risk. Why is that so surprising? Yes, it's a tough thing to face but that's the unspoken statement from anyone who cheats. Maybe at this point he's sorry he did it and realizes he was about to lose a good thing. Then again, maybe he did it to get your attention. Maybe he's just sorry it all came out, that he hurt you, that's he's responsible for the pain he's caused everyone and is just doing what he thinks is the right thing. Unless you get to the bottom of it, you'll never make peace with it. If it hadn't been her, it would've been someone else. You can target your hatred toward her all day long - it still doesn't change HIS choice. She doesn't know you the way he does. What she didn't wasn't personal. But what HE did, was. So, she deserves for her husband to leave her, but your husband doesn't deserve the same thing? He shouldn't get the disfiguring disease? I'm always amazed at how the venom gets turned on the OW.
2sure Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 OP sounds like she knows the A was a symptom of a problem, not THE problem. OP sounds like she knows OW was not the only or even the main player here. OP states she is troubled because she is thinking too much about OW. I get it. I can tell you that with time, her minor roll in this crisis will appear to you as just that. I know it sounds unbelievable right now - but it is still so new. I would feel the same as you if I had to deal with running into her in my community. I know it is cliche - but take the high road. Living well really is the best revenge. On the other hand - I see no reason not to contact her, not to open a line of communication - but perhaps for your own closure. She knew she was entering your life when the affair began. You were an unknowing participant in her and your husband's drama. If sending her a letter would make you feel better , do it. But remember not to do it until you are in a high road frame of mind.
OWoman Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 Infidelity is considered by most therapsits to be the most severe form of emotional abuse. By SOME therapists, perhaps; certainly not by all, and I'd very much doubt if by "most" - unless you've seen proper rigorous studies confirming this? My social circle includes a number of therapists; none have ever expressed such quaint views nor are they likely to, given the pervasiveness or REAL emotional abuse among their clientele.
OWoman Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 On the other hand - I see no reason not to contact her, not to open a line of communication - but perhaps for your own closure. If the closure is to be had from SENDING the letter, then this makes sense. But if the anticipated answer is necessary for the closure, I wouldn't recommend it. Chances are it will spawn a whole new dynamic, and delay rather than faciliate the OP's healing. The OW's response can't be predicted, and anything sought is as likely to be withheld as it is provided, depending on the OW and her state of mind at the time. Her interests are not the OP's interests - and may even be in direct conflict with the OP's interests at this point. The overture may be greeted with reciprocity, or with a RO, depending.
noreply110 Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 OP, I am very sorry for your pain. I wish there were something I could do to take it away. I am sure you are taking steps to figure out why the affair started, and what your role was and what your H can do to help you both move forward. I am sorry for the comments that were intenally cruel. You didn't say you WERE going to do anything to the OW. Just that you were very hurt. I don't know a BS that didn't focus on the OW/OM for awhile. That person didn't have anything to do with you, yet along WITH the WS helped ruin your life. At least, thats how I saw it. I did refocus my energy to where it counted. Writing my feelings down really helped get the anger out. I wrote letter after letter that were never sent. And then I realized we both got played, and calmed down. It passes. Or it did for me. Focus your energy on what you can control, and allow yourself to feel everything you are feeling. I wish you the very best.
frannie Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 Yes, she probably did think that because he probably did or said something to indicate that he would. Actually, cheating is a pretty good 'statement' that says he's likely to leave because it basically says that he's not that into the marriage and that he's willing to go that far to put it at risk. Why is that so surprising? Yes, it's a tough thing to face but that's the unspoken statement from anyone who cheats. Maybe at this point he's sorry he did it and realizes he was about to lose a good thing. Then again, maybe he did it to get your attention. Maybe he's just sorry it all came out, that he hurt you, that's he's responsible for the pain he's caused everyone and is just doing what he thinks is the right thing. Unless you get to the bottom of it, you'll never make peace with it. If it hadn't been her, it would've been someone else. You can target your hatred toward her all day long - it still doesn't change HIS choice. She doesn't know you the way he does. What she didn't wasn't personal. But what HE did, was. So, she deserves for her husband to leave her, but your husband doesn't deserve the same thing? He shouldn't get the disfiguring disease? I'm always amazed at how the venom gets turned on the OW. I think this response says just about everything that a BS focusing on the OP needs to hear. Especially the part bolded. It's all about what your BS did, and until you really listen to that and find out WHY, then you're just wasting time and energy.
John Who Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 If she wants to think about the OW damn just let her think about the OW. We can say what we want but it is her life her mind her thoughts and she has ever right to vent how she wishes. If she wants to call the OW a bi**h,wh**e,sl*t,tra*p,then so be it. Now this does'nt mean that her H has gotten away with it,why do we assume just because the BS decides to stay with the WS that he got off free,I'm sure he has to deal with his wife and all the anger and hurt disappointment,she is feeling I'm sure she has told him how this has made her feel I'm sure she's told him she hates him. All I am saying is if she wants to wish for the OW's tits to shriver up and fall off,then so be it.
frannie Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 If she wants to think about the OW damn just let her think about the OW.... All I am saying is if she wants to wish for the OW's tits to shriver up and fall off,then so be it. I don't think anyone is suggesting that she's in the wrong. OP: I wish I could turn my mind off! and just get over it. I want my life back. She wants it to end.
Author beyondsad Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 The many responses have made me realize that of course the real issue is my husband turning to another woman. After much soul searching on both our parts we are trying to make our marriage a priority. His decision to cheat was his decision but I still hate this woman. It is something I will live with forever and thru MC medication long talks with my husband and following my heart I still love my H and want our marriage to work. NOW if it happens again I do not think I could go thru this again and he knows this wil be grounds for a D. Again I am just venting and I can't help how I feel but the OW is such a bitch and the things she has done to me are unforgivable. Especailly living in a small town , kids in same school and everyone knowing all the details. I should be just as angry at H but for some weird reason with him I am only hurt but with her the only emotion I feel is true anger.
John Who Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 Hi beyondsad I think what you are feeling is normal,you have to heal and it may take awhile to overcome this. If right now you choose to hate and have anger towards ow then that is perfectly fine,after all she did take part in a affair with your H. You know how you are feeling towards your H and the hurt that he gave you,you are trying to work on your M but it doesnt mean that your pain has gone away. Please do not think you are in the wrong in anyway just because you want to rant about ow and hate her. My advice to you is rant on,whether it be on H or OW.
Author beyondsad Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 It is so easy for my close family and friends to say that I just have to put all this behind me and stop bringing this up. It feels like this is always going to be aprt of me. The OW and the A. So many times I want to call her and here what she has to say but she has alraedy said too much for me to bear but in a very sick way I want to know everything he said about me. Instead of leaving me and being with her he begged me not to walk away from him and I want everything to just be OK. She is the only part that I can't seem to not let go of. I have only spoken to her briefly the day I found out(she sent me a letter suggesting I check his phone bill). When it was all said and done he was so remorseful for doing this to me and said he easily walked away from her and NC since then. MC has stated numerous times to let it go and not to contact her. This does seem the smart thing to do but this entire situation has been based on emotions and not sound thinking. Thanks for letting me rant and hopefully these stupid feelings will subside but for now being honest with my self I just want to hate her.
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