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Update..he is now with me...no roses around the door yet..still..lol!

LadyCakes

By LadyCakes
in The Other Man / Woman

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While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

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frannie Established Member

frannie

Posted
Posted
However my question now relates to post early December when he has his own place. When he has his own flat is it still reasonable that he would spend all day (i.e. about 10 hours) round his ex's place visiting his child?

 

LC, I think you're in a tough spot and trying to navigate something of a minefield. Personally, I agree with you on some points... spending ten hours a day with you EX is ridiculous (imho), when YOU are not known to her. I haven't fully read all your threads/posts, so I might be missing plenty, but it seems to me he's hardly left at all. Do you actually know what picture he's painting to her about what's going on?

 

I agree with what a lot of others have said: you can't dictate to him how to run his life, or how and when he sees his child. But what you can do is say that you're unhappy with things, and ask him to 'move out' (for all the moving in he's apparently done... treats your place like a crash pad in some ways).

 

Seems to me there are a lot of power-struggles going on here, and it's not exactly clear who is pulling and pushing who around, and what picture any of you have of what is going on. I hope you manage to find some answers, anyway.

norajane Established Member

norajane

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Can love really conquer all??

 

Oh, no, love does not and cannot conquer all! Curse whoever said that it could and misled people into considering only part of the equation! :eek:

 

It takes a lot of hard work and commitment on the part of BOTH people to overcome obstacles and difficulties. Love can make that level of commitment and the willingness to do the hard work possible. But love, in and of itself, cannot conquer all.

Reggie Established Member

Reggie

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Posted

If you've felt this pain,I cannot understand your willingness to inflict it on another that has done you no wrong. Your focus is entirely on your own desires.

I look at the resentment you already show for the time he needs to devote to his son and it is obvious that you are not a good step mother candidate. You admit you've been dishonest and uncaring re his mom. Do you really think you are a good role model for this child?

I realize there is nothing I or anyone else can say to persuade you to do the right thing and stop cheating on this woman. You boyfriend is dishonest.

Why, if the counselor was telling him to get out, did he not do so and simply tell his wife before having an affair? Makes no sense to me.

81West Established Member

81West

Posted
Posted

This continues to look little like any separation I've ever heard of. Do neither of them have extended family? 'Normal' to me would look something like Christmas Eve with the non-custodial parent and extended family and returning home to wake up and spend Christmas with the custodial parent and extended family. The child will have little appreciation for Christmas at this age, so this is all about the parents' view of family and tradition. And they seem to want to spend it together if given the chance, without you, who doesn't actually exist for 2/3 of the people in the other points of the triangle.

 

These situations do require empathy and patience, and you know your own world best, but this guy is being given a mile and taking three in my mind. Don't take on the burden of nagging and whining, however entitled you may be. Just be watchful and continue to check your gut instincts against those of more objective observers.

 

I hope the best thing happens, whatever that is.

Mino Established Member

Mino

Posted
Posted
"compromise is essential"

 

perhaps, let him come up with the compromise that he feels comfortable with and not dictate it. let him handle and be in charge with how he will handle this situation...it is his to handle, not yours, sooo...

 

you might get farther this way.

;) maybe they can find a solution together that everyone is happy with
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LadyCakes Member

LadyCakes

Posted
  • Author
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[FONT=Arial]Hi everyone,[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial] [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Thanks again for everyone taking the time to reply to my situation post. Everyone has said some really great pointers and I really appreciate the advice.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial] [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]This relationship is going to take so much work for both of us. I know I need to perhaps accept things that im not 100% happy with. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial] [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]I have to conclude though that as far as xmas goes i feel that he should spend the evening with me. He decided to leave his W for me and make me his GF so i think its only right that he spend such an important day as Xmas with me (especially as his little one will be in bed by half 8 anyway). He even said to me that he wanted to spend the evening with me and when i suggested that he spend a few hours there after work he said ”well that’s not very flair on you. You would only see me for a few hours and that’s not exactly spending xmas with you, is it”. Im going to stick with my suggestion that he spends the whole of xmas eve round there and Christmas morning...i do think this is a fair compromise.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial] [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Reggie> I just wanted to reply to your post in particular as I feel I need to clarify some things. You asked the following:[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial] [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]1) [/FONT][sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]if you've felt this pain, I cannot understand your willingness to inflict it on another that has done you no wrong. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Well like I said before, I of all people, am shocked that I have found myself in this situation but my only way of explaining it is to say that after all the pain I suffered last year I was not going to put the happiness of a stranger above my own. If I thought for a second that she would be the better partner for my BF then I would walk away but she is not. At the end of the day she is not my responsibility. If anything she is my BF's responsibility and if anyone has hurt her it’s him not me. I know you won’t agree with this but all I can say is when you fall in love with someone it’s very hard to walk away from them to save a stranger from heartache. You won’t know this unless you experience it. What’s that saying "don’t judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes". Before I met my MM I would have been in your camp, thinking the same as you, but when it happens to you then it turns your life and normal thought process into a loop.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]2 ) the resentment you already show for the time he needs to devote to his son[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] I must correct you here; I do not resent him spending time with his son. I resent the fact that he spends his contact time with the ex present. Id be happy for him to see his little one 24/7, I just don’t want him spending 10 hours a day round his ex's! I think this is understandable.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]3) you are not a good step mother candidate. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Just because I, for the first time in my life, have become involved in an affair does not mean that I am a totally bad person. I won’t go into all my good points as this isn’t the point of this post but I am a very nice person and think that it is very narrow minded of you to imply that because I have had an affair with the child’s father that I could not be a good step mom. Do I think that I am a good role model for this child...well actually yes! Ok not concerning the affair but with everything else in my life I would be a great role model and if his child sees how in love me and his daddy are then yes, I think that’s a good role model for a child. Its unfortunate that the great relationship he will learn from wont be that of his dad and mom together but he will certainly learn from me and his dad what love should be like [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]4) Stop cheating on this woman. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]We have. He left her and he is now with me. We have stopped our affair, made a decision, and decided to be together. Yes we "cheated" behind her back but we are not now. I want it to be known about us...im just waiting for him to find the right time to tell her.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]5) Why, if the counsellor was telling him to get out, did he not do so and simply tell his wife before having an affair? This is the question that really got my goat I have to be honest. You obviously have no experience of being the OW. Im actually wondering what you’re doing in this section of LS. Ok here it goes. Me and MM met on a night out. It was a very random meeting. We chatted for hours and really got along and swapped numbers. At this point in time MM has just met me. He knows very little about me and visa versa. Yes we are attracted to each other and yes admittedly the correspondence we had over the next month before meeting up again was not totally innocent but it still doesn’t change the fact that we were two people who had just met. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Do you really think that he should have said to his W;[/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] "honey I was out the other night and met this wonderful woman who im really attracted to and we get on like a house on fire, I know I don’t really know her, and you and I have a baby and we have been together for 22 years but ive decided that on the off chance me and her could work out Im leaving you". [/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Come on! Things don’t work like this, this is why affairs happen. The man is not going to leave his W before knowing he can’t live without the OW. To say he should have left her as soon as he realised he wanted to sleep with me is frankly ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong I wish he had, I would have loved for him to leave her the moment after we has our first kiss but that’s not real life! He stayed there for 9 months as he didn’t want to be a part time father and leave her on her own. This has been the hardest decision for him and it’s been heartbreaking for us both. Please don’t think these things are easy. It’s the hardest thing in the world.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I just wanted to say that i know my posts look like im just obsessed with my own feelings but im really not. I am just posting about one area of my relationship with my new man that i need advice on, that’s all.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]LC[/FONT][/sIZE]

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted

But you did have a helping hand in hurting her - That you must own and make peace with it because she's ALWAYS going to be in your life - A small part of it anyway. Respect her as your BF's childs mother.

 

I hope later when things settle down you and your BF go to couples counselling because trust could be an issue as time goes on.

wildsoul Established Member

wildsoul

Posted
Posted

Hi there, LC. I think your compromise plan seems fair. Sounds like you and he are both trying to do the best you can. Remember, it's most likely that your guy isn't going to do it perfectly, and neither are you. Try to do your best anyways.

 

I'm in a similar situation (but w/o kids involved, so a good deal easier) and find it very confusing to navigate. What IS the right thing to do at all times? It's not a cut and dry situation like with 2 single people. I think the best you can do is to keep asking yourself "what is right?" and try to get what started off out of integrity, into integrity. It looks like you ARE doing that, even if not everyone agrees with every thought you have or decision you make along the way.

 

PS: Are you cross-posting your questions between LS and another advice board? I'm asking because you have formatting tags showing up in your post, and I think that happens when someone is copy/pasting from another program or board. It's a little distracting to try to skim past and read your words.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
Are you cross-posting your questions between LS and another advice board?

Apparently this happens when one writes up a post in Word then it is copied and pasted here..

wildsoul Established Member

wildsoul

Posted
Posted
Apparently this happens when one writes up a post in Word then it is copied and pasted here..

I bet that if the finished Word doc was then saved as a Notepad (plain text) file before copy/pasting into LS that those formatting marks would go away.

OWoman Established Member

OWoman

Posted
Posted
With regards to his child. Maybe i didnt ecpress myself very well. I do not mean that the child has nothing to do with me per se. If im honest, i would like nothing more than me and him to get our own place and have his little one round all the time. I would love to be a fantastic step-mon to his child and have him as part of OUR family. I love his father and he comes as part of the deal and i accept that. I have met his little one a couple of times and he is a little angel. I hope one day we can be friends and he will like me and see that i make his father very happy. I hope from our relationship he will learn what love is supposed to be like. Yes we begun our relationship as an affir but he doesnt need to know that. He just needs to learn from example that when two people really love each other then thats all that counts. I want his son to be a massive part of my life as hs father already is! The only thing that niggles in the back of my mind is that i know (from waht he has told me about his ex) that she will HATE the thought of me and her son getting on and i can see big probelems in HER accepting me as her son's step mother. .. i can see that being a new thread!!! lol!

 

OK I know I'm coming late to this, but still...

 

My son was about that age when I split with my xH. We spent christmas with my family and friends, and he didn't miss his father at all. At that age, they're very adaptable, IME.

 

In terms of step-parenting - I've just taken that on, but I've done it before so it's no biggie. You have the advantage of the kid being small, so he'll grow up used to the situation, and that will form his basis of normality. he'll be blessed to know that people who love each other treat each other well, and he'll be blessed to be a part of that. As I'm seeing with MM's kids, the damage done by years of dysfunction disguised as love really takes its toll, and while they're nice kids they really lack that emotional vocabulary kids of their ages should have, and have pretty messed up ways of being in the world in some respects. That stunting might only recover through intensive therapy - if at all. I hope it's not too late.

 

Contrary to other opion, I think you'd be a very good step-parent! You have a very good sense of boundaries, while retaining a sense of humour and a core of affection. That's what kids need - whether your own or inherited - and it seems this guy will be lucky enough to get that from you.

 

And yes, his mother will be threatened by it. My MM's BW is very cut up about the kids choosing to spend time with me (when MM is away) rather than going to spend the time with her and turns herself inside-out about it. She's really worried she'll lose them - and she's doing her damndest to ensure that that happens, with her behaviour. But to me, the kids matter, she doesn't, so we try not to let that get in our way.

 

Once your MM has his own place, and can see his kid on his turf, on his terms (with the court's blessing) his BW will just have to get used to the idea that she's just one of the parents, and not the final arbiter of everything, and things will become a lot easier. For now though, your frustration is perfectly understandable and I don't think it's any indication that your parenting skills are wanting.

mytruelove Established Member

mytruelove

Posted
Posted

"yes, i am not over the hurt and pain caused by my ex's cheating. I am over him as he is not the person i thought he was but i am not over the pain, embarrasment and feelings of worthlessness. Its going to take me a great deal of time to get over that but the main thing that whole episode of my life has left me with is insecurity and jealousy. I know my hatered of my man being with his ex is because im scared...scared of losing someone i love...again..."

 

i'm soo glad you are looking at this and recognizing it. my ex-fiace stold my engagement ring, put it on the finger of another woman and married her a month after we broke up!!! soo, i really understand the effect this has had on you. it damages your core. i know exactly the feelings of worthlessness and low self esteem this leaves you with. the feelings of not being good enough...the pain...the insecurity...the not being able to trust anyone or anything...the feelings of abandonment...etc. i could go on and on...there is a whole list of issues that need to be dealt with.

 

my best suggestion for you is to get to counseling and therapy for yourself...fast. counseling has helped me enormously. work on making yourself whole, if you don't you will carry this baggage with you and damage any relationship you have. we have an obligation to bring our very healthiest wholest self to any relationship. you need to be able to do this (especially when a child is involved).

 

please take some time to work on yourself and healing sweetheart.

 

take care

Reggie Established Member

Reggie

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Posted

Makes no sense to me. I still do not see why you could not inform his wife that you two were cheating.

moonmosaic Established Member

moonmosaic

Posted
Posted

I must say you are very brave to take this challenging relationship on. It looks to me that you BF is more focused on how to get all of his needs met whereas you struggle to get one or two of yours fulfilled. I guess this happens in situations like this. I don't see anything wrong with being assertive and wanting to have it all but let's imagine:

 

...you fall in love with this beautiful car. You know you don't have the money but you want it, you need it and you are determined to make it yours. You get a loan - kinda unsure whether it is the right choice - and start struggling with monthly payments. Then your rent goes up, you lose your job, you get a new one but it pays less, you fall ill and need money for the doctor etc, its all getting too much. You got what you wanted but at what price?...

 

I don't see anything wrong with your BF saying to his ex: "I love you, but I am not in love with you any more, I am sorry, I am in love with this girl but I will be here for our son for as long as I live, now, I am leaving" - It is not rude, not offensive but the truth that may hurt. If he carries on living this double life you will be paying for that car payment for a long long time.

wildsoul Established Member

wildsoul

Posted
Posted
If he carries on living this double life you will be paying for that car payment for a long long time.

Well said! I'm looking at that very thing for myself right now. Thanks.

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