Update..he is now with me...no roses around the door yet..still..lol!

[LadyCakes]

[sIZE=2]hI everyone,

I haven't posted on here for a week or so now and I just thought I would give an update.

I'm pleased to say things between me and my XMM are going really well (to those who have not seem my previous posts he was with someone for a very long time, 22 years, but was never married and has a 2 year old child with the XW) I'm saying MM and W as its easier....Anyway, me and him started an A back in February and last month he left the W to be with me. We have had some issues but things are getting better.

I'm pleased to say that he has put down a deposit on his own apartment (he is staying with me at the moment). He can move in early December. So this is fantastic news. Its a really nice place and in a lovely location so I hope he will be happy there. Ok its not as nice as the house he shared with W but its a start and a good move forward for us.

That's the only real news I guess.

He was telling me last night that he is getting really down about Christmas and all the hassle that is going to go with it. Just a recap for those who don't know...we agreed a compromise (obviously as I would like him to spend all the holidays with me). We compromised that on Christmas Eve he will spend the whole day "round there" with his ex and their child. He will then come back to mine to stay the night. On Christmas morning he will get up and go back round there early and wake up his child and open presents etc, he will then go to work. He will finish work at 6pm and will then come and spend the remainder of Christmas Day with me, and boxing day. What do you all think...is this a good and fair compromise???? I understand that he must be feeling down about Christmas. Its going to be very different this year and he has the drama to come when he tells his ex about us. She doesn't know about me but I said that I want "us" to be "out" by Christmas as im sick of sneaking around and now that im his girlfriend I shouldn't have to feel this way. He agreed that he will need to tell her by Christmas as otherwise she is going to say "why are you not coming back here after work on Christmas Day?". Lets be honest, if she doesn't know about me then he has no valid excuse why he wouldn't be doing just that.

I'm not trying to score points, I just want to be a normal couple and to be able to walk down the street with him and not sneak around anymore.

Those of you who have read my posts will know I had issues about the financial support he is going to be giving the ex...well ive decided to drop it as its none of my business at the moment. If we ever live together or anything more serious then it will be my business but at the moment I think I will just have to bite my tongue. Hopefully as our relationship progresses he wont want to give her so much when he doesn't need to.

the only real remaining issue is the time he sends "round there" when he goes to see his child. I was wondering if I could have some advice from you all. You all know that he works shifts and on his days off and before his night shifts he will go round there and see his child. He hasn't got his own place just yet and the weather is bad so I accept that at the moment there is not a lot of alternatives open to him. However my question now relates to post early December when he has his own place. When he has his own flat is it still reasonable that he would spend all day (i.e. about 10 hours) round his ex's place visiting his child? In an idea world I would like him to pick up his kid at an arranged time and then drop the child back at home at an arranged time at the end of contact, every time contact happens. He could then take his little one out for the day and have quality contact. However I think I know that my ideal will be met with resistance. He will say "but its just more practical for me to see my child round there as all the toys are there and all his food etc". My response to that would be "well get some baby food in the fridge round yours and buy him some toys which you can keep round at your place". Then I imagine he would say "well she (the ex) doesn't want me to take him away from her all day as she wants to see him". What on earth do I say to this?????? Am I right for not wanting him to spent all day round there? Am I in the wrong? I just don't know, I have never dated a man with a child before and this is all very new to me. If they didn't have a kid then it would definitely be unacceptable for him to be going round there but he does have a kid so what should the rules be???

I'm not paranoid that they are going to sleep together or anything like that. I just don't want MY boyfriend spending so much time with his ex....its just not right...I think!!!!

LC

[/sIZE]

[bentnotbroken]

No more right than you and he cheating and lying to her. It seems to me, you knew what he was capable of, so you should suck it up and deal with it. The child is none of your concern. How he chooses to spend time with the child is none of your concern. IMHO

[jwi71]

I must admit I have only loosely followed your story but I do have the basics. Not to be insulting or to minimize your emotions/situation - but I want to provide that as a disclaimer of sorts.

 

we agreed a compromise (obviously as I would like him to spend all the holidays with me). We compromised that on Christmas Eve he will spend the whole day "round there" with his ex and their child. He will then come back to mine to stay the night. On Christmas morning he will get up and go back round there early and wake up his child and open presents etc, he will then go to work. He will finish work at 6pm and will then come and spend the remainder of Christmas Day with me, and boxing day. What do you all think...is this a good and fair compromise????

 

A good compromise is one in which neither party is happy. Based on that trite saying, I would say yes. However, this can only be answered by you. Can you live with it? Now, for my input. It sounds odd. I would think that its an every-other holiday situation. In divorce, this is the case. In fact, the parenting plan my W and I agreed on had us doing this, every other year for the Holidays. That arrangement is odd.

 

I had issues about the financial support he is going to be giving the ex...well ive decided to drop it as its none of my business at the moment. If we ever live together or anything more serious then it will be my business

 

Good that you understand its none of your business. And it isn't. It is only your business after you get married. Until then, you have no right to speak on this. If he chooses to support her financially - his choice. How he spends his income is none of your business until you are married. When you get married, it is then your joint income and you do have a right. Say nothing until then. My opinion.

 

When he has his own flat is it still reasonable that he would spend all day (i.e. about 10 hours) round his ex's place visiting his child? In an idea world I would like him to pick up his kid at an arranged time and then drop the child back at home at an arranged time at the end of contact, every time contact happens. He could then take his little one out for the day and have quality contact. However I think I know that my ideal will be met with resistance. He will say "but its just more practical for me to see my child round there as all the toys are there and all his food etc". My response to that would be "well get some baby food in the fridge round yours and buy him some toys which you can keep round at your place". Then I imagine he would say "well she (the ex) doesn't want me to take him away from her all day as she wants to see him". What on earth do I say to this??????

 

This is what I would expect. Very reasonable to me to ask that: why not have your baby food, diapers, toys etc at his place. Its a great question to which he has NO reasonable answer (to why he doesn't do this).

 

What do you say to his ex wanting the baby around. Her problem. She is using the child to control him. Sounds like it. And that is just plain wrong. The two of them should be adult enough to put the needs of the child before themselves. And that means that each parent can have quality time for a weekend, even longer w/o the other. I mean, does the child never spend the night at grandparents? That's separation. Does she not take a break from parenting (and its needed, trust me)?

In short, your response is "You deserve quality time with your child w/o her." I would say this is true in even happily married nuclear families. Good to have one and one with each child. I take my 3 year old son out to the park for "guy time". American football and running and catching bugs. Mud puddles. Then ice cream. Great stuff. I do similar with my daughter.

 

I do think you are right to expect limited contact with the ex.

[whichwayisup]

he was with someone for a very long time, 22 years, but was never married and has a 2 year old child with the XW

 

Well, maybe they weren't married in the eyes of God, said vows to one another, but 22 years - THEY were married, it was common-lawm which legally is close enough to being married and they do have a long history together. Just pointing this out to you..22 years is alot to throw away... Which leads me to this..

 

We compromised that on Christmas Eve he will spend the whole day "round there" with his ex and their child. He will then come back to mine to stay the night. On Christmas morning he will get up and go back round there early and wake up his child and open presents etc, he will then go to work. He will finish work at 6pm and will then come and spend the remainder of Christmas Day with me, and boxing day. What do you all think...is this a good and fair compromise????

 

No, it isn't a fair compromise for his child. Honestly, he should stay with his kid, spend Xmas Eve, Xmas morning and Xmas dinner with his child and then spend Boxing Day with you. This isn't carved in stone and chances are very high he's going to change his mind when the date gets closer, or on Xmas day he won't have the heart to not go see his kid after work in the evening.. IF that happens, let him go be with his child..

[mytruelove]

i have to say that i agree completely with whichwayisup.

 

i might be the minority, but i completely think the child should come first -ALWAYS. i say i might be the minority because when i tell a lot of people about my guy having two children to two different women...there response is usually that i should come first or that it would be unacceptable to them that there are two kids that come before me.

 

i might be a different breed, but i want my guys kids to come first. frankly, if he didn't put his kids first. i wouldn't want him because that would show a lack of character on his part. i am insanely attracted to what a good father he is. i have an unbelievable respect and admiration of him because of this.

 

i know he has baggage (not the kids, i would never refer to them as baggage, BUT the exes... and i have to be willing to accept this. i think you need to make a decision RIGHT NOW as to whether you are going to accept him putting his kids first, because they always will be.

 

i think to put him in a position where he has to choose spending time with you over spending time with the kids would be extremely selfish especially at this point. i have told my guy that if he ever chooses me over them i would give him a swift kick in the butt myself!

 

hope this helped and didn't seem harsh. i'm not trying to be. i know it is not easy.

[norajane]

However I think I know that my ideal will be met with resistance.

 

He will say...

 

My response to that would be...

 

Then I imagine he would say...

 

What on earth do I say to this??????

 

Wow, you've got it all planned out how it will happen, huh?

 

Take it one step at a time. Let him get into his own place, and then let him get settled with furniture and let him turn it into a home. Give him time to get a crib and blankets and whatnot for naps, toys, whatever. Give him time to baby-proof the outlets and get baby gates for any staircases. Give his ex time to go and see his place and be comfortable that it's a nice environment for the child.

 

Let it happen naturally without forcing it according to YOUR timetable, or it won't work. It's not going to happen as fast as you want it to. But if he's serious about separating, then it will happen. I know the situation is not to your liking, but a little patience goes a long way.

 

Keep in mind - you are his gf, his date, not his life coach and manager. Stay out of the nitty-gritty of his separation and child arrangements, or you'll find yourself getting blamed for anything that goes wrong, i.e., you'll be on the receiving end of "YOU pushed me to do this!"

[mytruelove]

"Keep in mind - you are his gf, his date, not his life coach and manager. , or you'll find yourself getting blamed for anything that goes wrong, i.e., you'll be on the receiving end of "YOU pushed me to do this!" ...great advice...you don't want him resenting you or it turning into a power struggle in which he will say i'll show you i'm going to do what i want and your not going to control me!

 

stay out of the crossfire.

[whichwayisup]

Keep in mind - you are his gf, his date, not his life coach and manager. Stay out of the nitty-gritty of his separation and child arrangements, or you'll find yourself getting blamed for anything that goes wrong, i.e., you'll be on the receiving end of "YOU pushed me to do this!"

 

This is true. You aren't his keeper, his wife, mother..So let HIM decide what is best for himself, his child and how he handles things.

 

If you want a true and honest relationship with him sometime in the future then you must back off and leave him to make the decisions when it comes to money, his kids, and how he handles things with his ex. Be supportive, don't put any pressure on him. If you do, then eventually he'll resent you and feel exactly what NJ said he would, at some point he'll blame you for things that go wrong.

[LadyCakes]

Gosh, i must come accross as such a cow! I really dont mean to be, im really not a nasty person, im just finding this all so very hard.

 

I must admit i am quite shocked that most of you think he sould spend pretty much the whole of xmas "round there". I agree kids should come first and i dont want to get in the way of him and his child BUT his child is not even two years old. The CHILD is, lets be honest, not even going to have a full comprehension of the fact that it is Christmas day. I feel that him spending the whole day/evening round there would frankly only be for the ex's sake. They have separated...they are not a "family" if you get what i mean, anymore. He has chosen not to be there all the time in a realtionship so why create this "pretend" family when the reality is that him and his ex are not a couple anymore...just because its xmas.

 

At the risk of sounding horrible...and im probably going to get bad posts because of what im going to say but the beauty of this site is i can say how im really feeling.......he is now with ME not his EX! Why the hell should i be ok with him spending such an important day as Christmas with his ex and not with me. Surely, i am his girlfriend so he should and sjould want to spend xmas with me. I understand that as a father he will want to also see his child and thats why i came up with what i thought was a good comprimise. with my idea he sees his kid all of xmas eve not me...then he spends xmas morning with the child and not be and then i get him for a few hours after he finishes work.

 

If what you are all saying is infact the right thing and im just blinded ny my own thoughts on the subject...is this what its going to be like every xmas...am i never going to spend xmas with my partner becuse he has a child???

 

I dont want to play my minature violin but I dont actually have anyone to spend xmas with as my parents live abroad and last year i split up with my fiance as he was having an affair (a few months before the wedding) so this is the first year i am going to have no one...and if im honest im dreading it. He is now my new partner and i love him with all my heart...its only naturat that i would want to spend the holidays with him. Dont you all think it would be quite horrible if my boyfriend didnt see me at christmas??

 

I have to be honest...if he does say to me nearer the time that he isnt going to see me and is intead going to spend exmas with his ex then i dont know if this is the type of realtionship that i want. Dont get me wrong i do admire him and love the fact that he is a great father but like you all say, the child he has is not mine and is nothing to do with me. I dont want him to just be a great dad, i want him to be a great partner...otherwise...longter,,whats the point.

 

Ok im wafeling and you can probably tell im stressed.

 

Please dont think im a bad person, i just want a normal loving commited relationship with this man.

 

LC

[whichwayisup]

I must admit i am quite shocked that most of you think he sould spend pretty much the whole of xmas "round there". I agree kids should come first and i dont want to get in the way of him and his child BUT his child is not even two years old. The CHILD is, lets be honest, not even going to have a full comprehension of the fact that it is Christmas day.

 

Then you don't know children. How close to 2 is his child?

 

i just want a normal loving commited relationship with this man

 

Then allow this to progress naturally, not forcefully. HE may want to spend all day and night WITH his child, so asking him to choose isn't really cool. Yes, you should be on his priority list, but his child HAS to come first.

 

And, you better start thinking of HIS child as your own because one day soon you WILL be stepmother TO his child. It isn't just him in your, it's his child and also his ex will always BE in his life because of their kid. That's something you need to accept and deal with, hopefully in a healthy way. Otherwise this relationship won't work, eventually resentment will build and get in the way.

[whichwayisup]

Dont you all think it would be quite horrible if my boyfriend didnt see me at christmas??

 

IT would be MORE awful if he didn't spend Christmas with his kid. Sorry, but you need to put his child first and see this from his side.

 

You will have MANY Christmas's in years to come, but allow him to do what HE needs to do this year. You keep saying spending it with his ex, well, it is NOT about his ex, it's about his child. Stop focussing on that aspect of it because you may be jealous and putting reasons in to him spending the day/evening there with them.

[LadyCakes]

Then you don't know children. How close to 2 is his child? Whichwayisup> his child is 16 months old.

 

Im so confused...i really think that im right on this but everyone else thinks im not! his child is so young and really isnt going to be thinking "i wish my dad was here..its christmas". Really, i know im not a mum but a child this young surely wont even notice. Plus he will be alseep my about 8.30 so why does my boyfriend need to spend the whole evening round there...after this time..with his ex.

 

Why should i spend my christmas alone? He cose to leave her and be with me so why should i have to be ok with this?

 

So so so so confused!!!

 

LC

[Reggie]

What a sick, twisted relationship. The child is better off with this guy gone and you away from him. You two deserve each other.

[norajane]

Part of the challenge here is that he has been with his ex for 22 years, and dating you for only 9 months, in secret.

 

That's 22 years of history with someone. Not so easy to just move on from that - those 22 years of his life do have meaning to him.

 

So, yes, while he may not want to be with her anymore, it's a huge change for him. He's spent the last 22 Christmases with her, and now they have a child, so he's probably not as detached from HER as you would like. The fact that he can't even bring himself to tell her he's seeing someone else is important - he feels it's best to move slowly, more slowly than you do.

 

Child may be 2, but spending Christmas with the child isn't only about the child. It's also about HIM and how he feels being separated from his child at Christmas. It may be about his GUILT, and compensating for the lies and the affair that have led to him having to make compromises and decisions about Christmas and everything else. Yes, he may have wanted to leave her, but if he hadn't met you, he'd still be there, and that's probably making him feel like pond scum right now.

 

If you had just met this man right after he split with his ex, and there had been no affair for 9 months prior, your expectations would not be where they are regarding spending Christmas with you and their separation. For him, it's just been a few weeks since he left. For you, you've been waiting 9 months for this. Maybe if you can accept that this is only going to work if HE is comfortable with the level of change, you will be able to be more patient with his arrangements.

[jwi71]

1) The child isn't choosing this, your bf is.

2) Stop yourself. You're getting all worked over this and you will lose. You are making this into "your child" or "me". It won't work. Don't walk that path. Its unnecessary.

This is your Christmas this year. Accept it. I don't know how else to say it - sorry if its rude or harsh.

 

What about next year? Will he get his child? What about birthdays?

Is there a schedule of "who gets the child, when and for how long"?

[LadyCakes]

Reggie - i appreciate that everyone is entitled to an oppinion but posts like that are really not helpful or constructive to anyone! Saying that, i am curious and would ask that you explain fully what you mean by that comment.

 

It is not a sick realtionship - we love eachother. I admit we came together in awful circumstances and i more than anyone feels awful that i have split up a family. On the other hand he wasnt happy and if it wasnt me it would have been some other woman who capturedhis heart and showed him what real love should feel like. I love this man and want him to be happy. I want him to be a good father and i want to be supportive. However its only human that i will feel awkward about certain issues and that is why i have turned to this site for guidence from perople who have been there. Its hard being the OW and when the man you love leaves the W there are a whole host of new issues to deal with. I just trying to make sence of it all.

 

His child is not better off with him gone..far from it. He as a wonderful father.

 

He is not a bad person either...and neither am i...we are just two people who fell in love. We want to make this work.

[Reggie]

Here's my take. The relationship has a foundation of dishonesty and cruelty toward his W, the mother of his kids. You guys were not honest with her and you've injured her. And, it was not neccessary. Both of you had the opportunity to advise her as to what was going on. But, neither of you had the courage or decency to be honest with her. There was no reason your relationship could not have been out in the open from the beginning.

So, why did you choose to go this route that involves so much cruelty and deception?

I say the relationship is sick and twisted because it is based on this cruelty and deception. What does he tell his child when he is older. How does he teach his child to be honest and caring when he , himself, has hurt the child's mother so? How will his child feel about your complicity in hurting his mom.

And, As I said, it was all so unneccessary if you'd both just been honest. Would there have been pain with the breakup? I'm sure. But ,why inflict the humiliation and damage to self esteem that cheating brings? You could have easily done this whole thing above board.

I just feel that people capable of this are not loving people. Too much dishonesty and cruelty in the foundation of the relationship to be healthy.

[LadyCakes]

mmmm...Reggie I can see that from your post you are and have never been the OW. Good for you. Dont ever let it happen its horrible and heartbreaking. I never thought i would be the OW. Before i met MM i was engaged and my fiance cheated on me and i was behond heartbroken...my world fell apart but over the past year or so i have concluded one thing and that is that the woman my ex cheated on me did not sit there and think "you know what...im going to really hurt that girl in london and sleep with the love of her life". Im sure that even tho she was aware of me her interntion never was to hurt me. he simply fell in love with my man and didnt want to put the happiness of a stranger before hers. Dont get me wrong i hate her for the pain she caused me but i know it was never about me it was about her and her feelings for my ex.

 

The same goes here. Yrs i knew about this woman but i fell for this man in a big big way. Im not proud, frankly im ahamed but im not going to put the happiness of a stranger before my own. To all who know me in real life they would tell you that i am a vert kind, genuine loving person who deserves nothing but happiness. I fell in love with a MM and that was wrong but im not sorry. I love him and he loves me, He is a kind decent person who just so happend to spend alot of years with the wrong woman..then we met.

 

Our paths crossed and yes i know we should have walked away but we didnt...we fell in love and surely its better that we now make this work and make all the pain that is being suffered by all because of something true and real.

 

Yes i could have told her when the A was happening. I knew her name and where she worked but that was not my story to tell...it was his. I love him and would not have wanted her to make it hard to see his child...thats the reason i still havent told her.

 

He hasnt told her still bevause he does have a heart. He wants her to think me and him met after they split to stop her hurting anymore. She shouldnt have to know about us, the sex we had etc...its not necessary and its because i am a kind person that i dont want her to feel any more pain than necessary.

 

LC

[pelicanpreacher]

Ladycakes, I think you made a huge mistake commonly made when a person loses an important relationship due to infidelity. In your driving compunction to validate your self-esteem and relieve the aching vacuum in your heart you hooked up with the nearest warm body you came in contact with without considering the individual's availability and now you have to contend with the myriad of issues you find yourself confronted with. I don't think you gave yourself enough time to heal the emotional and spiritual wounds gaped by your revelation about your fiancee's affair nor the ensuing dissolution of that relationship which made you hyper-vulnerable to giving your heart fully when you simply weren't ready.

 

Take a deep breath to assess your feelings and the situation you are in by focusing hard with your rational mind to see the endgame and all its difficulties to determine what is truly best for you. You've temporarily abated the hurt you experienced from the break-up of your last relationship by initiating this current one but you've only positioned yourself from the frying pan to the fire by moving too quickly. JMO!

[mytruelove]

i don't think your a bad person at all, but i do think you might need a reality check...call it tough love maybe?

 

when i read your post i hear a lot of ME and I. to a complete stranger reading your post it reads a lot of all about me me me- very selfish. go back-read-with an objective mind- and maybe see if you pick up on the same thing. " i'm dreading being alone, my ex-fiance" (maybe you haven't healed from that relationship? just putting that out there as food for thought. i was cheated on by a fiance also, so i know from personal experience the tool that can take on your self-esteem - which is more what i think this post is about-self esteem and also fear). i've been there.

 

love is not about what you get. it is about what you give and want for the other person.

 

i have been told that the biggest part of bonding in a child's life takes place in the first 2 years, so it is more important than ever that the child's dad is there during that time.

 

the child is not yours? does not have anything to do with you? that child is your boyfriends SON. so, is the child never welcome as a part of your life???? they are a package deal. the child cannot just be discarded.

 

i think you are VERY WISE to examine NOW if this is the type of relationship that you want (or are ready for) before involving anyone else.

[Mino]

i have to say that i agree completely with whichwayisup.

 

i might be the minority, but i completely think the child should come first -ALWAYS. i say i might be the minority because when i tell a lot of people about my guy having two children to two different women...there response is usually that i should come first or that it would be unacceptable to them that there are two kids that come before me.

 

i might be a different breed, but i want my guys kids to come first. frankly, if he didn't put his kids first. i wouldn't want him because that would show a lack of character on his part. i am insanely attracted to what a good father he is. i have an unbelievable respect and admiration of him because of this.

 

i know he has baggage (not the kids, i would never refer to them as baggage, BUT the exes... and i have to be willing to accept this. i think you need to make a decision RIGHT NOW as to whether you are going to accept him putting his kids first, because they always will be.

 

i think to put him in a position where he has to choose spending time with you over spending time with the kids would be extremely selfish especially at this point. i have told my guy that if he ever chooses me over them i would give him a swift kick in the butt myself!

 

hope this helped and didn't seem harsh. i'm not trying to be. i know it is not easy.

My true love... I disagree. Of coarse the children do come first, but you also cannot expect that a father will run home every Christmas and spend it with the ex wife either...There are good comprimises for holidays..Christmas eve can be celebrates at the new fsmilirs home, and he can go over christmas morning to the ex'x house, next year a revearse... When a family sperates, and each find new spouse we create new traditions... I would not be happy either if my sm runs home every christmas leaving me by myself.... Maybe the following year the child will come to your house to celebrate... But yes compromise is essential, but it has to be a two way street too.

[Mino]

Wow, you've got it all planned out how it will happen, huh?

 

Take it one step at a time. Let him get into his own place, and then let him get settled with furniture and let him turn it into a home. Give him time to get a crib and blankets and whatnot for naps, toys, whatever. Give him time to baby-proof the outlets and get baby gates for any staircases. Give his ex time to go and see his place and be comfortable that it's a nice environment for the child.

 

Let it happen naturally without forcing it according to YOUR timetable, or it won't work. It's not going to happen as fast as you want it to. But if he's serious about separating, then it will happen. I know the situation is not to your liking, but a little patience goes a long way.

 

Keep in mind - you are his gf, his date, not his life coach and manager. Stay out of the nitty-gritty of his separation and child arrangements, or you'll find yourself getting blamed for anything that goes wrong, i.e., you'll be on the receiving end of "YOU pushed me to do this!"

great advice Norjane... the first year will be stressful,,,, so give it time...

[mytruelove]

"compromise is essential"

 

perhaps, let him come up with the compromise that he feels comfortable with and not dictate it. let him handle and be in charge with how he will handle this situation...it is his to handle, not yours, sooo...

 

you might get farther this way.

[whichwayisup]

...it is his to handle, not yours

 

If you want to make it very easy on him and also show how understanding, patient and giving you are - say something like this - "I want things to go smoothly so whatever you decide about Christmas I'll support you." If you say something like that to him, atleast he will feel you're thinking of what's best for his child and for him, not about "you and him" because right now he can't focus on just your relationship.

[LadyCakes]

Thanks so much to everyone for their replies and honesty.

 

I must admit that yes, i am not over the hurt and pain caused by my ex's cheating. I am over him as he is not the person i thought he was but i am not over the pain, embarrasment and feelings of worthlessness. Its going to take me a great deal of time to get over that but the main thing that whole episode of my life has left me with is insecurity and jealousy. I know my hatered of my man being with his ex is because im scared...scared of losing someone i love...again...but hey, im only human and i hope he will be good to me, despite the odd way we started our relationship. Yes i met him very soon after me an my ex split and yes at the beginning i guess it was a case of him being anybody that i could cling to and feel cared for by. However we soon discovered we did have a very real connection. We spoke by text and email for a long time before we ever slept together or even saw eachother again after we first met and by the time we did it wasnt just some sortdid affair based on sex it was an emotional connection and i dont regret it for a second, he means the world to me.

 

I understand that love is not about what you get, its about caring for another person, to an extent, more than you are about yourself. Behond anything i want this man to be happy. It was me that suggested he went to Marriage Counselling (which he did) and we spent months thalking about how he cold save his relationship. In the end he decided that he wasnt happy and that I made him happy. His MC said to him that i was not the cause of the breakdown of his relationship with W, I was a symptom. After all the details he gave his relate counselor (they are people we have in england) the MC actually said to him that sometimes their job is not to mend relationships but to help them break away. His MC said to him that he should be with me not his W. Obviously i would be here all night if i said everything about his R with W but i think it says alot when the MC told him he should leave!

 

With regards to his child. Maybe i didnt ecpress myself very well. I do not mean that the child has nothing to do with me per se. If im honest, i would like nothing more than me and him to get our own place and have his little one round all the time. I would love to be a fantastic step-mon to his child and have him as part of OUR family. I love his father and he comes as part of the deal and i accept that. I have met his little one a couple of times and he is a little angel. I hope one day we can be friends and he will like me and see that i make his father very happy. I hope from our relationship he will learn what love is supposed to be like. Yes we begun our relationship as an affir but he doesnt need to know that. He just needs to learn from example that when two people really love each other then thats all that counts. I want his son to be a massive part of my life as hs father already is! The only thing that niggles in the back of my mind is that i know (from waht he has told me about his ex) that she will HATE the thought of me and her son getting on and i can see big probelems in HER accepting me as her son's step mother. .. i can see that being a new thread!!! lol!

 

What can i say, i guess i just want everything too quickly and i know i cant. I want us to be a family and families come in all different shapes and sizes. I want to have a future with this man and it just frustrates the hell out of me that there are all these issues. Many people (my frinds included) think that im backing the wrong horse so to speak but i dont agree. Can love really conquer all??

 

LC

 

Sorry about spelling..ive been up for 19 hours! zzzzz