robaday Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Hi, I'm a 26 year year old single guy who's just come out of my first relationship, which proved to be a disaster-it only lasted a year and was mutually destructive. My reasons for only having my first one at 26, are that I have always had a crippling lack of confidence. I have always disguised it well, and often I have had success with women because they think I am playing hard to get-in fact I am just trying to protect myself. My fear of rejection has haunted me all my life, and damaged my first relationship. I became needy, clingy and anxious that the girl was going to leave me, which in fact probably contributed to her leaving-I know a catch 22. The other problem with my first relationship was when I shared my feelings she distanced herself. When I acted disinterested she chased me. As long as I played hard to get she was interested. Is this usual? it's kinda screwed with my head because I could not have gone on much longer without telling her I loved her. So first of all some female perspective on how important confidence in a guy is for attraction. I'd also be interested to know how men, have recovered their confidence after a severe knock-back from someone they love. Finally, how can I get over my fear of rejection? any comments/opinions/advice much appreciated, thanks
CaliGuy Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Hi, I'm a 26 year year old single guy who's just come out of my first relationship, which proved to be a disaster-it only lasted a year and was mutually destructive. My reasons for only having my first one at 26, are that I have always had a crippling lack of confidence. I have always disguised it well, and often I have had success with women because they think I am playing hard to get-in fact I am just trying to protect myself. My fear of rejection has haunted me all my life, and damaged my first relationship. I became needy, clingy and anxious that the girl was going to leave me, which in fact probably contributed to her leaving-I know a catch 22. The other problem with my first relationship was when I shared my feelings she distanced herself. When I acted disinterested she chased me. As long as I played hard to get she was interested. Is this usual? it's kinda screwed with my head because I could not have gone on much longer without telling her I loved her. So first of all some female perspective on how important confidence in a guy is for attraction. I'd also be interested to know how men, have recovered their confidence after a severe knock-back from someone they love. Finally, how can I get over my fear of rejection? any comments/opinions/advice much appreciated, thanks Well I will tell you what worked for me. Being rejected. A lot. You know the only way to overcome fear, ANY fear is to face it head on. Fear of heights? Go skydiving or rock climbing. See what I am saying? If you fear rejection then you need to get to a point where you are rejected so much that it doesn't bother you anymore. Look, we ALL get rejected and often more times than we're accepted. Those who succeed in the face of rejection are those who learn to not let it bother them. I know it "sounds" easy but it takes time. Do you think men who are dating some of the most highly sought after women were never rejected? They were, they just didn't let it bother them. There will always be someone else. And no matter how hot, how beautiful she is -- someone out there is tired of her crap! I would also recommend a book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (Glover) which shows men who to behave like men and not door mats and how to rebuild confidence and self-esteem. I highly suggest you get a copy of that book and read it. Cheers
samspade Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 CaliGuy gives some great advice. You have to take some risks and get outside your routine. I went skydiving a few years ago, and to this day, when I'm nervous about something, I reference that moment when I was about to fall out of the plane. Nothing can compare. Approaching and asking out women is like building a callous on your fingers when you play guitar. The first few times your fingers will smart over it. After time and repetition, it becomes old hat. Rejection IS key, and if you get rejected, tell yourself it's always better than not trying at all. I recommend that you start out by approaching women who don't necessarily intimidate you. This way you can build up some confidence and start getting into the habit for when you see those beautiful girls you really want to approach. As for your inner confidence, here is the key: DON'T just be yourself. Imagine what kind of personality and energy you want to convey, and work on it. You will feel like you're playing a part, at first, and it sounds phony, but you have to fake confidence at first until it feels comfortable. Be funny, willing to tease girls, and completely carefree of whether she likes you or not. When I acted disinterested she chased me. As long as I played hard to get she was interested. Is this usual? This is how women behave. You still must flirt and convey some interest, but it must be subtle. Be a bit of a mystery, and don't show your hand. Let them pursue you. Be patient.
wergo Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 If you fear rejection then you need to get to a point where you are rejected so much that it doesn't bother you anymore. Look, we ALL get rejected and often more times than we're accepted. Those who succeed in the face of rejection are those who learn to not let it bother them. I know it "sounds" easy but it takes time. That's great IF the rejection eventually gives way to success. Otherwise you're just digging yourself deeper down the same hole. But be careful how you play this; make very sure that you get rejected in private and not in public. If other women see you get rejected, it'll only encourage them to also see you as undesirable. At some point, you have to make women at least think that you're datable, and getting rejected in front of a bunch of them can be the kiss of death. You shouldn't fear rejection, but you do need to be aware of the social consequences of it.
Mahatma Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Change whatever you are not confident about. I went from 8th grade to my senior year of high school with no girlfriend and had not kissed a girl since 8th grade. I then decided to change the things about myself that I was not confident with. I was very pale, so I started doing things outdoor and now I am nicely tanned. I was scrawny, so I started working out and now I have the best body of all my friends. I had no girlfriend, so I then went out and starting talking more and getting shot down more. After a while, I had girls wanting me and I got to choose between girls. Now I have a girlfriend of over 4 months and I am a very confident person. I have nothing to not be confident about.
alphamale Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Change whatever you are not confident about. true "change" is an iterative process that occurs over time and takes practice and perseverance which then leads to experience and increased confidence
Mahatma Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 true "change" is an iterative process that occurs over time and takes practice and perseverance which then leads to experience and increased confidence I am still gaining confidence. What I explained took about 6 months to fully take effect. I am still learning and gaining confidence, but I am very happy with myself.
Author robaday Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 There isn't anything that I am not confident about physically-I'm tall, athletic and relatively good looking. However, its on the inside that the problems lie. I don't have a great deal of experience with women apart from one-night stands and this last relationship, so I suppose somtimes I fear gdtting too close for fear of sexual "underperformance" where experience really shows. I feel like its a catch 22 in that on the one hand I fear my limited experience showing, but on the other I'm missing out on experience:)
malibustacydoll Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Girl's are quite complicated, and we often play games rather we want to admit to it or not. I would like to think that I always love my boyfriend being around constantly and knowing everything. However, when he isn't around I will miss him and maybe try harder for the chase. I think that is very important in the beginning of a relationship-- having a balance of your own time versus your time with your partner. I feel like there may be more issues in why you and your ex broke up. Perhaps it wasn't not just your clingyness but then my default your lack of confidence and possible trust issues that come along with that. I have always had an extremely high amount of confidence when it comes to strangers and even friends, however, in relationships I have severe trust issues. It may be slowly ruining mine as we speak. I think the best thing you can do when you get into another relationship is to be honest. Don't scare her away the first day, but be honest with her about what you want to work on and your faults. In return maybe she will do the same and you can work on them together. Other than that, my best advice is to be happy being single and having a life before you meet someone else. They will see a different light in you then and want to be part of that wonderful life that you have created. Good luck. I hope this helps a bit.
Isolde Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 There isn't anything that I am not confident about physically-I'm tall, athletic and relatively good looking. However, its on the inside that the problems lie. I don't have a great deal of experience with women apart from one-night stands and this last relationship, so I suppose somtimes I fear gdtting too close for fear of sexual "underperformance" where experience really shows. I feel like its a catch 22 in that on the one hand I fear my limited experience showing, but on the other I'm missing out on experience:) As a girl who's never been in a LTR, I relate to you in some ways. I will say that the guy's level of sexual experience means NOTHING to me. If I were to date a guy for around a month and learned he was inexperienced, my opinion of him would NOT change. I can't emphasize this enough.
malibustacydoll Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 As a girl who's never been in a LTR, I relate to you in some ways. I will say that the guy's level of sexual experience means NOTHING to me. If I were to date a guy for around a month and learned he was inexperienced, my opinion of him would NOT change. I can't emphasize this enough. I don't think your experience matters. Everyone is attracted to something different. I am very attracted to brainy guys with confidence and not so much focused on the looks. I am more attracted to a guy with no experience than a guy with experience. He is there for me to mold him and he can try things out on me. I find it very hot to think that I am his frist girl as well. It just depends on the girl I suppose.
Jimmy67 Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 I've read article about a guy who also had the lack of self-confidence.And he used pheromones and women were very interested in him. This helped him to restore his self-confiedence. It's rather interesting to try.You can read this story if you want: http://www.squidoo.com/how-to-attract-women-2
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