Completely Broken Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 My XBF and I were together for 10 months and lived together. Now he has decided to go back to his wife after her constantly calling and emailing him (he was a fault too). But he wants to continue to have "relations" with me and a part of me wants to have a piece of him if I can't have all of him. I know that's horrible but I love him with all my heart (we were together over a decade ago and reconnected). I feel this man is my soul mate and he has pretty much said the same. He said that he doesn't want to hurt her or me but because he was the one that caused their split he feels that he needs to try, that he still loves her, and they've history. He has only taken a few things from our home, and still has the key. I don't want to tell him to come and get the rest of his things because then I know it's over but I know he needs to, so that I can move on. When does it stop hurting, I've cried everyday since he's left. I emailed him right before I registered for this site and told him I'm going to stop all contact but I want to pull the message back because I don't want to lose him. I'm so confused and so very heart broken. Please help!!!
Ocean-Blue Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 I'm sorry you are hurting. You have to realize that he was never your boyfriend. He was a married man having an affair. He has decided to try to make it work with his wife. You need to let him try. Otherwise, he might resent you for interfering. Wouldn't you rather want him, on your turns? So let him be. Allow him to sort it out. If he comes back, he comes back. If he doesn't, at least you don't have to settle for being second best anymore.
Author Completely Broken Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 Hurts to hear but thank you. I'm trying
Ocean-Blue Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 CB, don't be disheartened by my post. Stick around for a bit and see what the others have to say. This place has a really good support system for those in your very position. You did the right thing by letting him go.
tft Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Hi CB. I feel your pain. My MM left his W 8 months ago, and really couldn't get over it. He told me yesterday that he can't commit to me, so I let him go. If you read through my post (what do I do now) there is a lot of good advice. The most important thing really is whether you really, honestly want to be with a man, who cannot commit to you fully. Who doesn't put you first, who you feel could leave you at any moment. You are worth so much more than that. Someone around here has a very good signature quote, about not making someone a priority if they only make you an option. As Ocean said, if its meant to be he will come back. He will miss you and be hurting too. Just look after yourself, and keep busy. Know that you deserve a man who can be 100% yours. Reading through this site helps bucket loads too. Hugs xx
OWoman Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 (((((hugs))))) CB! Your MM sounds very confused, and seems to want to address it by making his problems yours. For me, saying: He said that he doesn't want to hurt her or me is a bright red flag! That signals either BS - "it's not you, it's me.." kind of line - or conflict avoidance. Someone who is unwilling to "hurt" someone else typically takes the soft route, avoiding honesty and a clean wound while creating a deep, festering sore in its stead. He needs to stand up - he's hurting both of you and needs to make his call, announce it to the world (and himself) and own it - and live with the consequences. But he wants to continue to have "relations" with me This, I think, is unspeakable. It's saying that the thing he values most about you lies between your legs and, while he's unwilling to choose you as his partner, you're good enough as a sperm bank. That so sucks! CB IF he comes back, you need to have your list of conditions ready. You need to tell him clearly under what conditions you're prepared to be with him - and if he can't meet those, he's welcome to go back to his W or any spare genitalia he finds comfort in. "Soulmates" do not treat each other like rubbish. If he does love you, it's time for him to start showing it.
Author Completely Broken Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 Thanks for your words OWoman I agree and today is our first day of no contact and it hurts. I want to tell him forget the no contact thing and lets just talk nothing more but then I know I'll never get over him. Thanks again.
frannie Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 My XBF and I were together for 10 months and lived together. Now he has decided to go back to his wife after her constantly calling and emailing him (he was a fault too). But he wants to continue to have "relations" with me and a part of me wants to have a piece of him if I can't have all of him. I know that's horrible but I love him with all my heart (we were together over a decade ago and reconnected). I feel this man is my soul mate and he has pretty much said the same. He said that he doesn't want to hurt her or me but because he was the one that caused their split he feels that he needs to try, that he still loves her, and they've history. He has only taken a few things from our home, and still has the key. I don't want to tell him to come and get the rest of his things because then I know it's over but I know he needs to, so that I can move on. When does it stop hurting, I've cried everyday since he's left. I emailed him right before I registered for this site and told him I'm going to stop all contact but I want to pull the message back because I don't want to lose him. I'm so confused and so very heart broken. Please help!!! What a horrible situation to be in, I feel for you. But look, he's not treating you with very much respect at all, is he? He's treating you like some kind of back-up, well worse than that, to continue to have you on the side while he goes back to her? And he says he doesn't want to hurt her or you? This is just nonsense and you need to call him on it. How can he not be hurting BOTH of you by treating the two of you like this? Does his W know he wants to continue to have 'relations' with you I think your first instict was the correct one: tell him to come and pick his stuff up, and take the key back. I know it's hard, but look at what he's doing to you.
Author Completely Broken Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 No his wife doesn't know and as much as I want to say I won't settle and be the other woman, right now I can't say that I'll be able to turn away. Sad but true. I'm in love with a married man
frannie Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 No his wife doesn't know and as much as I want to say I won't settle and be the other woman, right now I can't say that I'll be able to turn away. Sad but true. I'm in love with a married man Well I'm not going to cricisise you, btdt
norajane Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 No his wife doesn't know and as much as I want to say I won't settle and be the other woman, right now I can't say that I'll be able to turn away. Sad but true. I'm in love with a married man But that love isn't bringing you happiness, and won't when he's gone back to his wife. Your love, while all-consuming, is only leading to an offer of sex on the side while he works on his marriage. That kind of love is self-destructive, not empowering, and certainly not enhancing your life. You deserve better than that. You should demand better OF yourself than to allow yourself to stay mired in this destructive love. I hope you'll see that and stand firm in your resolve to let him go and seek love with someone who has a whole heart and life to offer you.
Karma101 Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Well, I can say I totally know your pain, from my own very recent similar experience. If you go back through some of my threads, you will see that I dated a man for about 10 months who had been separated from his wife for almost 1.5 yrs. They were 1 week from final mediation for their divorce when she decided she wanted to reconcile. And off he went, with my blessing, though totally heartbroken. We kept in constant contact. There were a couple of physical encounters as well. Let me just say that in cases like this, something is not always better than nothing. It was heartbreaking. We both justified our actions because they had not moved back in together or resumed 'relations' and the reconciliation was rocky at best. Nonetheless, he also felt he needed to try. We agreed to discontinue contact. It was beyond hard and we both had our moments of weakness in terms of a few random texts/emails. But, it got better and I became stronger. I put faith in the notion that if 'we' were meant to be, then we would find our way back to each other when he was no longer with her and officially divorced. Their reconciliation lasted about 3 months. And where do "we" stand, you might be wondering... Nowhere until he is legally divorced, at minimum. It took some distance and healing to realize that I need to do what is best for ME, just as he needed to do what was best for HIM and his family in terms of attempting to make his marriage work. You WILL get stronger. The pain WILL subside...
Deegee Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 It won't automatically stop, it'll take....time. I've (very recently) been in your situation, my x-mm didn't want to hurt his w OR me, and I think that owoman put it perfectly, conflict avoidance, and a sore that was definitely left to fester. Please, heed my warning, RUN, and run away fast! You (WE ALL DO) deserve so much more than someone else's sloppy seconds. If I've learned one thing about reading these posts here, is that IF he seriously wanted to be with you, he would have moved heaven and earth to be with you. The pure and simple fact that he's still there with his wife should speak volumes to you. I'm sorry, I know that this isn't easy to hear, but it's coming from a place of understanding, and care. IF you don't take care of yourself, then.....who will?! Who were you BEFORE this A?! Try to find this person again, and get in touch with her. You had a life before all of this, BE the priority in your life, don 't wait for a man to do what you can do for yourself. I wish you blessings and happiness...D
Brimstone_Angel Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 There are two ways the hurting will stop, the right way and the wrong way. The wrong way is quick and easy... Harden your heart and continue down the path you have been traveling. The right way. Stop and think about someone else first (which is his wife and family, they don't deserve).Take responsibility for your actions and don't blame him (he is responsible only for his actions).Take time for yourself, figure out why you did what you did and what you can do to not fall into the same trap.Figure out if you need to make any amends to the family. This making amends is for you, not them.Get rid of EVERYTHING he has in your place that he has not taken out by a month.Grieve for your loss, but remind yourself, this was toxic, it was wrong, and love is not about doing what is wrong (be it to others and especially to yourself).Remind yourself that even though you did the wrong thing, it does NOT make you a bad person or undeserving for the love that all beings have the right to. The right way is all about correcting yourself and it is going to hurt more when you admit to yourself that you are responsible for your actions (and your actions alone) and that you can do better. But, you know, it will get easier and will make you a better person. Good luck and I hope you do think about what was said.
Recommended Posts