My new wife cheated on me...

[Jonxsx1000]

Hey, could really do with some advice please...

Me and my wife live in separate countries, been together 2 years and married for about 6 months. Due to paperwork complications and work commitments etc I havnt seen her since the honeymoon. Very recently she just told me that she cheated on me a month ago. To say im devastated is an understatement, also hurt, angry and sick. Now I have no idea what to do. I thought that I loved her more than anyone in the world and could trust her with anything but now I have been proved wrong. She only confessed to me because of the extreme guilt she was feeling and because I said I would quit my job to come and be with her, she couldn't face seeing me with it on her mind. She says it was all a drunken mistake and was feeling very alone, but what makes me even more empty and lost is that she didn't use protection. Since the incident a month ago she hasnt been able to sleep and has turned to god and given up alcohol, and is asking me for forgiveness. currently i have no idea what to think, just empty. but since telling me about what happened, she hasnt even tried to make contact with me, being nearly 3 days now.

 

thanks

[jmargel]

How long were you planning on being apart like this? Its hard to have a relationship having such a huge distance between each other. Especially right after the honeymoon.

 

Do you know if she cheated before the marriage?

[Jonxsx1000]

For as little time as possible, until the paperwork was granted for her to live with me.

[Jonxsx1000]

I dont know if she did before, but i thought i trusted her

[Enema]

Only you can say whether or not you're able to forgive and move on.

 

I wouldn't.

[Reggie]

Sorry she has given you all this pain. No one can really tell you what to do. It is good that she cofessed out of guilt. Strange that she has had no contact.

Marriages do survive infidelity , but it is rare and they are forever changed.

I'd say take your time on making a decision. Maybe get some IC to help you see where you stand on this. If you decied to divorce, at least you caught this early without kids involved. It still hurts but that does make things easier.

She will have to do a lot of work to repair the damage to the extent possible. The 3 days with no contact does not seem to be a good sogn that she has the willingness to do this.

If you need meds to sleep and function, don't hesitate to see your dr.

This infidelity stuff really does a number on people. Lots of pain.

[Dexter Morgan]

If you don't have children together, get an annullment and QUICK!!

 

If it happens this early, just wait til the 7 year itch sets in.

Best to cut your losses and move on.

[mark982]

absents make the heart grow fonder, for someone else.

[In Like Flynn]

2 and a half years??? That a hell of a paper jam. Sounds like you or your wife(?) is using the sysytem by marrying to get into the country!! She can get a Visa to live here temporaily!!! People do it all the time!!

[Jonxsx1000]

We havnt been married for 2 years, only 5 months, and there were many complications with getting the visa...you dont have the full story but sorry im not in the mood to elabratote at the moment

[Dexter Morgan]

We havnt been married for 2 years, only 5 months, and there were many complications with getting the visa...you dont have the full story but sorry im not in the mood to elabratote at the moment

 

We don't need the full story. She cheated on you. Thats all we need to know.

[mental_traveller]

Divorce her while you still have your sanity, balls, and finances intact.

 

You probably won't listen to this advice. Believe me, in future years you will regret not having listened.

 

She barebacked some skanky sleazeball while you were away, dude. You really wanna get herpes, crabs, hepatitis, incurable genital warts, or even HIV, just because she can't keep her legs locked? Contemplate at your leisure exactly why you'd want to kiss her again after she's had some other guy's sweaty cock and ballsack stuffed into her mouth, before letting him shoot his load inside her.

 

Seriously, ditch this TOTAL WHORE and never speak to her again. Get an annulment if you can. Be a man, not a cuckolded bitch.

[Steve L]

It usually tend to agree with Dexter on just about everything, however, extenuating circumstances do exist. I have always felt that marriage counseling was a joke except in the case of a one time fling. A one timer nearly falls under the "mistake" catagory. Particularly when alcohol was involved. More than once, not a mistake, intentional. People do not commit mistakes intentionally. In these cases you absolutely end the relationship after the typical mourning healing period which takes 8-12 months. Maybe, just Maybe, you can save this, if its worth saving. Look at it analytically, take your heart out of the equation. Add up the positives, subtract the negatives, if you end up on the positive side MAYBE you should look into repairing this. However, having experienced a real affair of long term, it never leaves you, it hurts every day, sometimes years later it will hit you and it will hurt as much as the day you found out. ENTER THIS INTO YOUR CALCULATION! I will tell you this, you can get out of this fairly easily right now. Add kids, a mortgage and two cars with payments into this a few years from now and you have a problem. good luck

[Jonxsx1000]

I really don't know what to do now. She went to the doctor, she is pregnant. She then made the decison to leave the city she is living in and move away, stating that everything is to difficult where she is and cannot talk to anyone. Abortion is illegal where she is and she cannot decide on what to do yet. I tried to persuade her not to go away but it seems as though she has lied to me and left earlier than she said she would, not giving me the address or phone number of where she is going to stay. My gut feeling is to just go out there and have it out with her because I dont know how me or her can make any decision without seeing each other. But she insited she diddnt want to see me whislt she was pregant and she wanted to sort things out but she still loved me. And now she has disapeered......oh god

[lady_door]

Okay, let me get this straight... she cheated on you, now she's pregnant from the guy she slept with, and she disappeared on you?

This is completely unacceptable.

 

Do you really want to stay married to her after this?

[Jonxsx1000]

Yes and yes, and unless im juming the gun, Yes. She told me she was leaving this afternoon to go to the other city, and would give me all the details, I called this morning and spoke to her mum, but not her, and now whenever I call there is no answer. I spoke to one of her friends and they went to her house and they said she has gone. I felt this was a truely special relationship and and was begining to slightly come to terms with the cheating due to us being apart so much, the lonliness, the drink, etc all adds up, but now.....well....who knows

[2sure]

you were together for 2 years prior to getting married right? Was this "toghether" also long distance??

 

I ask, because it is possible she is not the person you thought she was..and you should move on.

 

OR...if you were really together for those two years, and you knew her on a real life daily basis...she may be going through a terrible crisis right now and you should go to her.

[Jonxsx1000]

We spent about a year of that time living together. I did manage to speak to her before she went, but she wont give me the number or address of where she is going, she wants time alone and hasnt told a single family member or friend Could not convince her to stay or to meet me somewhere.....

[Owl]

While I'm normally one of the most "save the marriage" people on the board, I've got to say that she's clearly non-repenent about what's happened, and she's sending you a claer message that you've married someone who isn't capable of being the woman you want at this time.

 

This is what "annullment" is for.

 

Go see your lawyer...get it started today.

 

If...later...at some point she becomes a trustworthy person...THEN you might consider marrying her.

 

Right now...I can't think of any greater reason to end things NOW.

[Dexter Morgan]

It usually tend to agree with Dexter on just about everything, however, extenuating circumstances do exist.

 

Such as? Children? There are no children involved here.

 

And if he does take her back, and she wants to make amends, I'd say drinking is now out.

 

 

 

 

I have always felt that marriage counseling was a joke except in the case of a one time fling. A one timer nearly falls under the "mistake" catagory. Particularly when alcohol was involved.

 

"A drunken mistake" is what he said she called it. Drinking only brings out which is already inside a person, just the person doesn't have the guts to do it while sober.

 

 

 

More than once, not a mistake, intentional.

 

Even once its intentional. People cheat because they want to. She didn't think to herself, "I don't want to do this, but what the hell."

 

 

Maybe, just Maybe, you can save this, if its worth saving.

 

Maybe, maybe not. One thing is for sure, if she wants to keep him, then there are certain behaviors she needs to shed. Drinking is one of them. And anything that would throw up a red flag to him or that he would be uncomfortable with. Such as partying.

 

 

Look at it analytically, take your heart out of the equation. Add up the positives, subtract the negatives, if you end up on the positive side MAYBE you should look into repairing this. However, having experienced a real affair of long term, it never leaves you, it hurts every day, sometimes years later it will hit you and it will hurt as much as the day you found out. ENTER THIS INTO YOUR CALCULATION! I will tell you this, you can get out of this fairly easily right now.

 

Yes he can, and I feel he should. But again, if he decides, for some reason, to keep her, then there are some changes that need to happen with her behavior. If he isn't comfortable with it, she needs to address it. And if she doesn't want to address it, say, for example, not putting herself in social situations where cheating is more likely to happen, then she doesn't deserve to keep him.

 

 

Add kids, a mortgage and two cars with payments into this a few years from now and you have a problem. good luck

 

thats why I say get out now.

[Dexter Morgan]

I really don't know what to do now. She went to the doctor, she is pregnant.

 

Oh brother. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you haven't seen her in 6 months. I take it she is just now realizing she is pregnant which would indicate to me that the baby isn't yours?

 

If so, she needs to make arrangements with the guy she shagged, and you may need to get a lawyer quick.

[Mickle]

if you were really together for those two years, and you knew her on a real life daily basis...she may be going through a terrible crisis right now and you should go to her.

 

I agree, there are stacks of guys whose Wife has ended up Pregnant after a one night stand, or Worse a Rape, the Women may not agree with termination A big majority go full term and keep the child.

 

If you love the women and can forget about her stupid error of judgement, go find her and be with her she needs you.

 

God Bless

[JustBreathe]

Before I even say this, Jones, I want you to know that I am jaded and suspicious due to what has happened in my marriage.

 

However, have you considered that perhaps her affair is still ongoing? It is very common for a cheater to distort the truth and try to hide the length of the affair and the seriousness of it. She may be telling you it was a one night stand so as to avoid revealing who the man was. Why does she have to go to another city to take her time to herself?

 

I'm sorry, I do not want to add further suspicion and hurt to what you are already experiencing. I just wondered if you had considered this.

[Owl]

Since she's gone to this other city to be with OM...I've got to say..."I DON'T THINK SO!".

 

She's not in a crisis...she's in an affar. And she's choosing to be with OM knowing what she's doing to Jon.

 

Don't waste time and money going to where she's at.

 

Talk with a lawyer and find out about how to do an annullment when you're unable to contact her.

 

If this all works out...marry her when you can be together, and she might possibly, maybe, somehow kinda actually mean those vows that time.

[ladyintights]

Why are you even married if you plan on not being with her?????? Haven't seen her for six months since the honeymoon?????