He's given me 3 chances now.

[ThatOneGirl89]

I've ruined his trust three times now. Can you guess how? Of course! By cheating. I feel so stupid and foolish because this is the only guy I've ever loved. EVER. I don't know what was wrong with me. I guess it felt good to know that someone wanted me when I didn't want myself. But I'm over that faze now. I'm a changed person. He doesn't trust me anymore but he's still with me. How do I gain his trust back? Because he says he doesn't know if he'll ever trust me again. I really did change I just don't know how to prove it to him. The last time I cheated on him was about 2 months ago. We've been together for almost a year and a half. Everyone says time will help but I want things to go back to the way they were before. I want him to hold me like he did, to talk to me like he did, to say "I love you" like he did. We were the best of friends and I was the only one he trusted. I blew it and now he's dehumanized. How do I make him feel better? I've been depressed about this for weeks now. He says that in 5 years he'll still be waiting for me to do it again because it's almost become a routine. I've told him after each time. And each time I said I would change and never do it again. The difference is I actually mean it this time. How do I fix this and not lose the love of my life?

[norajane]

But I'm over that faze now.

How do you know that for sure? What have you done to address the issues inside you that caused you to cheat three times and as recently as 2 months ago?

 

I'm amazed he's still with you, and I'm not surprised he doesn't trust you and is waiting for you to cheat on him again.

 

The only thing you can do to regain his trust is to be trustworthy, forever. Your friends are right - time is the only thing that will show him that you've changed.

 

Be where you say you're going to be, call him when you're out to check in and let him know what you're doing, don't keep secrets from him, call him if you're going to be late, don't disappear without explanations, be the one to tell him how much you love him regardless of whether he says it to you, compliment him and treat him like he is the only man you want or need. Give him your passwords to your email and facebook or whatever, so he can verify that you aren't flirting with other guys. Let him see your cell phone whenever he wants, don't flirt with guys at clubs or parties, don't take any numbers or give yours out to guys, don't have a lot of guys friends constantly around you and don't go out with your guy friends unless your bf's with you. If drinking was a part of the cheating, cut back or stop drinking altogether.

 

BE trustworthy, and eventually, you may build back some of the trust you've destroyed.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Everyone says time will help but I want things to go back to the way they were before.

 

Sadly, life doesn’t come with a rewind button. While there are never any do-overs, there is always the opportunity for doing better ... the next time around. Providing you are able to take something valuable from this relationship experience and apply it to those that come after.

 

The dynamics of your current relationship has changed permanently. Whether its for the better or worse, only time will tell. But neither of you should force yourselves to remain in a situation that is no longer healthy, productive or mutually gratifying.

 

It’s difficult to have a relationship with someone if you don’t even have a good relationship with yourself. And that requires knowing yourself and all the reasons behind why you respond in certain situations the way you do. Starting with why you feel the need for so much external validation while the unconditional acceptance of the one person in your life who truly loves you isn’t enough ... at least until you’ve placed yourself at great risk of being rejected by him.

 

So where’s that emotional stimulus really coming from? --- The attention or your fear of rejection??

 

How do I fix this and not lose the love of my life?

 

Can’t promise you won’t lose him. That’s his choice as much as it has always been yours. He may very well come to his senses and reach his breaking point. However, if I were having trouble understanding the reasons behind my habitual self-sabotage, my first step would be to go and talk with someone (a professional) who might be able to help me pinpoint where all my insecurities are coming from and give me better strategies for dealing with them in the future ... ways that build self confidence rather than undermining it. And I’d do this for me, regardless of the outcome of my current relationship situation, because that’s really where all our problems start and end.

 

Meanwhile, maybe ... just maybe ... he’ll see you making the extra effort to sort yourself out and take you ‘seriously’ this time.

 

It ain’t much, I know, but it’s the best idea that I could come up with. When you think about it, either way it will be a positive step for you in the right direction. If not for this particular relationship, than for your next one.

 

Good luck!

[sedgwick]

If you genuinely loved this guy, you wouldn't have cheated on him once, let alone three times. The best thing you can do is leave him alone and let him heal. He is, whether you like it or not, better off without you. Learn from the experience and please, please don't date again until you're able to be faithful. I can't imagine what this poor guy must be going through.

[Ronni_W]

He says that in 5 years he'll still be waiting for me to do it again

I would assume that he knows his own truth. And, what he said there is that, no matter what you do and even if you don't cheat again in the next 5 years, he will STILL not fully trust you. He has zero plans or desire to even try to genuinely forgive you, or to do anything "like he did" before you started cheating on him.

 

So. You are powerless to do anything that will help him trust you or feel better. There is NOTHING that you can do about it, he has closed the door on you.

 

If you want to stay in a depressed state, continually having to defend your prior behaviour, possibly also feeling guilty about it, not being given a proper chance to prove your new commitment, not getting what you want (the way it used to be between you), then this is the guy/relationship for you.

 

Otherwise, you need to end it for your own sanity and self-esteem. If you stay, you will become his prisoner. And just because you cheated on him, does not mean that he is entitled to that, or that you deserve or are obligated to become that. He will suck you dry...and THEN he will let you go.

 

Yes, you do need to get to the bottom of the insecurities that manifested as you becoming a 'cheater', but that is separate and apart from the fact that your formerly good relationship has turned into a horrible situation.

 

Run away!!!

[Dexter Morgan]

I've ruined his trust three times now. Can you guess how? Of course! By cheating. I feel so stupid and foolish because this is the only guy I've ever loved. EVER. I don't know what was wrong with me. I guess it felt good to know that someone wanted me when I didn't want myself. But I'm over that faze now. I'm a changed person. He doesn't trust me anymore but he's still with me.

 

Then he has his own set of issues. he isn't strong enough to leave you.

 

 

 

How do I gain his trust back?

 

After cheating 3 times? You don't.

 

 

Because he says he doesn't know if he'll ever trust me again. I really did change I just don't know how to prove it to him. The last time I cheated on him was about 2 months ago. We've been together for almost a year and a half. Everyone says time will help but I want things to go back to the way they were before.

 

It will NEVER go back to the way it was. Can you still have a relationship with him? sure.

 

But never the way it was. The way it WAS is he was dating someone who he didn't think was a cheater. Now he is.

 

 

I want him to hold me like he did, to talk to me like he did, to say "I love you" like he did. We were the best of friends and I was the only one he trusted. I blew it and now he's dehumanized. How do I make him feel better? I've been depressed about this for weeks now. He says that in 5 years he'll still be waiting for me to do it again because it's almost become a routine. I've told him after each time. And each time I said I would change and never do it again. The difference is I actually mean it this time. How do I fix this and not lose the love of my life?

 

Maybe you should let him go? As painful as it might be for him, he simply isn't thinking clearly right now. He needs to be alone, go out with the guys, clear his head until he can think more clearly.

 

I'm of the opinion that once a cheater, always a cheater. And you are helping prove that. But even though I hold that view, I'd say it might be a different story calling him the love of your life if you did it once. But 3 times? This is not the actions of someone that feels they have a love of their life.

 

so maybe you should let him go and see what happens. Let him think things through because I think he is only staying with you is out of desperation. What other reason would there be after cheating 3 times?

[BCCA]

Ok, I dont mean to be harsh, but I cannot honestly believe that you love this guy. Maybe you love who he is, or what he brings to your life, but you are not in love with this guy in a bf/gf kind of way. If you would, you flat out wouldnt have cheated. Cheating is super selfish, and each time you do it, you run the risk of getting caught and losing him forever. You did it 3 times.

 

My honest assesment is that he's probably a great guy, but not the guy for you. You can probably sense that, but instead of just telling him, youre probably cheating in hopes that he dumps you, thus saving you from being the 'bad guy'. And if he doesnt dump you, then youre having your cake and eating it, too. Youve already cheated 3 times, and I have a hard time believing that you absolutely wouldnt do it again. He's probably so crushed he cant even make a move.

 

Do both of you a favor: tell him it needs to end. This relationship is only still going because he probably really cared about you and wants to believe that the person he fell for is actually you, and not a cheater. Karma is a B...

[carhill]

OP, you sound young....that's OK; life's about learning...

 

If he's the love of your life, he's not going anywhere. For now, express your remorse and encourage him with your words and actions to heal exclusive of your presence. In time, with proper healing and life experience, the two of you might come together again and build a completely new and different relationship. For that to happen, this one has to die, IMO.

 

I wish you well

[EmperorR]

Wow, he must feel horrible, to betray him like that 3 times?