Back together but I can't get over the hurtful things he said...did he mean it?

[janinenm]

For a while I'd been feeling like my bf just wasn't into me anymore - towards the break up we were seeing each other less and less. He is an engineering student so I understand he has a pretty heavy workload but I started to feel so alone (as much as I loved him and still do).

 

During the breakup I asked him how he felt about the relationship. He told me he liked me and had fun but he wasn't crazy about me and he felt we didn't 'click' as a couple. Was he trying to make it sound like I didn't mean much to him because I was leaving him? We did have very good sexual chemistry but I thought there was more to us than just that.

 

I was hurt by what he said and told him if that's all I am to you then fine, I can just be in it for the sex too. For a few wks we had a booty call going on which I knew was wrong, but he managed to gradually turn it into a relationship again after a few weeks. He'd try to show me he cared and it felt like making love and not f**king for some reason.

 

Now we're together again but I still can't get all the things he said pre-breakup out of my head. Did he really mean what he said or was it just a pride thing? And if so, where do I go from here? Now I don't go more than a day without seeing him whereas pre-breakup I had to go up to a week without him sometimes. I don't understand his behaviour - it's like his words and actions are saying different things??

[dannydrifter]

Hi hon, try not to worry too much about all the things he said pre-breakup. The important thing is you are back together and you both have another chance. Sometimes guys get confused and say things they don't mean, or things which are confusing and even downright mean/hurtful. I know cuz I've done it myself! Don't sweat it. Take all your energy now and just enjoy your relationship, and try to move forward and make it work. Don't pressure him too much either. He is under lots of stress already with studies, so that could explain some of the odd behavior.

[Nikki Sahagin]

If you want to make it work you need to forget the past and live for now. I'm trying to do the same. And it's one of the hardest things to do. But you must try or the past will destroy what could be now.

[carhill]

He told me he liked me and had fun but he wasn't crazy about me and he felt we didn't 'click' as a couple. Was he trying to make it sound like I didn't mean much to him because I was leaving him?

 

You left him?

 

What else did he say?

 

I guess I could just say to forget the past but we both know that won't help you, right?

[janinenm]

Yes I was the one that ended things with him. The answer he gave me when I questioned him about the relationship just pushed me over the edge. I wasn't 100% sure about breaking up until that point.

 

A lot of things were said that day. He kept saying if what I had chosen to do was what I wanted and what was best for me then he could accept that. But I think he never really let on what he was truly feeling because while he looked pretty upset, the words coming out of his mouth left me feeling like he wasn't all that bothered or sad about the situation?

 

He made it seem like this was some sudden decision on my part instead of something that had been building up the last couple of weeks. It was like he couldn't quite understand why I was dumping him, or couldn't accept he'd been neglecting me lately so looked for problems that I didn't even consider such as us 'not clicking' as a couple to justify the breakup.

 

I'm most likely over analyzing the entire thing. I think it's a woman thing

 

But forgetting the past might not necessarily be a good thing. If we don't deal with the issues we had pre-breakup then what are the chances we'll just run into the same problems this time round too?

[Angel1111]

First of all, if he has a lot of the typical personality traits of an Engineer, you'll need to be aware that they can be extremely difficult personalities to be with. Now, I know some people are going to chime in here and tell me about the exceptions. I'm not meaning to bash anyone but if he fits the sterotype, just know that they tend to be very conformist, clinical, unemotional, and somewhat self-absorbed, or work-absorbed. And a lot of times they can be pretty controlling and inflexible, too. If he is like that and that doesn't suit you, then you need to really think about this because you're not going to change him. He is hard-wired that way. That may be the reason you felt neglected before, and it may be why he was clueless as to why you felt that way. He's not aware he's doing it and he's probably not capable of being any different. Again, this won't change. Either accept him as he is and admire his qualities, or walk away. Their good traits are that they are usually very stable and very loyal.

 

Now, if his comment is really bugging you, then why not just bring it up and ask him directly? He'll either say that he was saying things he didn't mean, or he'll say that he meant it and still does. Either way, you have your answer.

[carhill]

But forgetting the past might not necessarily be a good thing. If we don't deal with the issues we had pre-breakup then what are the chances we'll just run into the same problems this time round too?

 

Maybe a better word than "forget" is "accept". This is a word our MC used in encouraging us both to accept our responsibility for the past and move into the present.

 

I've felt the way this guy apparently did. I was hurting like hell but the logic center said to validate the woman's assertions and accept them and communicate that. Such doesn't lessen the hurt but attempts to communicate understanding. That happened back when my boundaries were a bit more unhealthy. Now, she gets an earful

 

Angel1111 did bring up a good point about compatibility. As an exception to her rule, I can see clearly what she means about the engineering mind. I see it in myself, as I process emotions with logic. Usually, if there's a standoff, logic wins, but I communicate both the emotions and the logic so the process can at least be seen. I don't expect any woman to understand the chaos that's going on inside my head

 

I suggest some quiet time regarding the past. See the present for what it is and decide whether it works for you. Be honest about that. Best wishes