Katherineos123 Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 So, Ive been talking a lot to this guy... And everything is great. He's into me. Im into him. Theres just one thing. He cheated on his last girlfriend. And although we are in the very early stages, Im not gonna say that it doesnt raise a few red flags for me. Now, Ive asked him about these rumors (cause at the time they were just rumors) and he admitted to them. He told me that yes he did technically cheat on her, but that it was a very complicated situation, and he feels terrible about it. That the relationship was pretty toxic, and he had tried to get out of it many times... and that this just kind of happened. I know there is something to be said about him being completely honest with me about this. He has told me, along with some of our mutual friends, that he doesnt want to hide anything from me, and I appreciate that, but Im hesitant to start anything more serious... let alone become invested in him. I dont feel that if a person makes a mistake, that they should be plagued by it for the rest of their lives, or that they shouldnt ever be given a second chance, but Im having a hard time with this. Ive been burned before, and I dont want to put myself in harms way again. Does anyone have any expirience with a similar situation? Taken a cheater back, or started a relationship with someone who has a less that perfect past?? Any suggestions from cheater's or cheatee's would be really helpful!
Brimstone_Angel Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 It should not matter if the person made a mistake or did something with intent (and trust me, unless he was drunk or drugged or sleepwalking, he cheated with intent). There should be given some room for them to prove themselves changed and capable of living with the same happiness and chances as others. But, as a people we should also keep our eyes open and be aware of the warning signs of regression. So give him that chance. But, make sure he is being honest with you and beware of the warning signs that his last girlfriend missed. If you are the one he cheated on her with, remember that Karma can be a wench.
Trialbyfire Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 My perspective comes from someone who's been cheated on. Now, Ive asked him about these rumors (cause at the time they were just rumors) and he admitted to them. He told me that yes he did technically cheat on her, but that it was a very complicated situation, and he feels terrible about it. That the relationship was pretty toxic, and he had tried to get out of it many times... and that this just kind of happened. I've bolded all the phrases that scream "excuses" to me. While I can't tell you what to do, if I were you, I would back away slowly and then run like mad in the opposite direction. There are some cheaters that can change. The ones that do change don't seem to make any excuses and are remorseful.
JamesM Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 I guess the best way to find out what really happened is to get the other side's view...talk to the ex girlfriend.
Trialbyfire Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 If you're going to substantiate the rumour with third parties, ask him if he's ever cheated before, then substantiate that too, if at all possible. Patterns of behaviour are difficult to break. Some cheaters are good at hiding it though.
Brimstone_Angel Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 And there are plenty of those who learn from their past and grow pass their behaviors. I know a few friends old acquaintances who have cheated and have been married for years and have not cheated on their spouses, even while they were dating. We all have stolen, lied, betrayed someone, or done something wrong that could lead to a pattern. But, to base future actions on past ones is prejudging. And if you are willing to deem a person reliable on his or her past, then think well about your's and ask if you would want someone to base the possibilities of a relationship with you based on things you have done in the past.
Trialbyfire Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 We all have stolen, lied, betrayed someone, or done something wrong that could lead to a pattern. But, to base future actions on past ones is prejudging. And if you are willing to deem a person reliable on his or her past, then think well about your's and ask if you would want someone to base the possibilities of a relationship with you based on things you have done in the past. Speak for yourself. Not everyone has something to hide within their past relationships.
Brimstone_Angel Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Speak for yourself. Not everyone has something to hide within their past relationships. I did not say relationships, I said past. His cheating while a part of a relationship IS a part of his past and does NOT determine his future to be faithful in one. This is why people do have to keep secrets, because they are prejudged and undue worried enters in to what should be a lovely experience.
Trialbyfire Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 I did not say relationships, I said past. His cheating while a part of a relationship IS a part of his past and does NOT determine his future to be faithful in one. This is all I am saying, no need to get huffy. And my response to that would be identical. Surprisingly, I'm not being "huffy", just saying it like it is. Cheating while in a committed, exclusive relationship isn't like stealing bubblegum, when you're 10 years old. It is part of how he has addressed one relationship. It could also be how he's coped in other past relationships. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth if you have fore-knowledge of this information. Do your homework.
Brimstone_Angel Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Agreed, but like I said, the OP should not let his past worry her. Especially if he is not showing signs of going back. But to keep her eyes open for odd things. And stealing bubblegum can lead to even grander things in life. Thieves just don't start stealing. It is something the picked up and cultivated to mastery. Knowledge is power, no disagreement there. But, it is how we use that power that determines its true usefulness. If used to persecute this man when he has done nothing wrong to her. Isn't good. So OP, you go for that man. You love him with all you desire to love him with. And I wish you well and success with this man. You AND he deserve to have to love of your lives. I will stand by that and I will leave this thread with meaning what I said and saying what I mean. Good night all.
JamesM Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Cheaters CAN change, and the fact that he told you about the cheating says that he is willing to change or has changed. He could have easily never said anything. It is true that it is how he coped in the past, but it also could be that he learned what he did wrong. I doubt that any ex GF will be very helpful, but someone besides this guy should be able to verify his story as he tells it. While it is great that he told you, there IS the possibility that he is not telling you all of it.
Lizzie60 Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 I agree with TBF... he was finding 'excuses' for his cheating.. he didn't have to.. he wasn't even married with her.. geeezzz... This guy WILL cheat whenever he gets a chance, he will just find 'excuses' to back his cheating .. Most cheaters (I said MOST.. well.. let's say 99% ) will cheat again... once the "boring' every day-to-day business sets in.. and, for whatever reasons, they find someone else 'interesting' they will go for it.. If I were you.. I would run for the hills.. but then..
Lizzie60 Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 You said: So, Ive been talking a lot to this guy... And everything is great. He's into me. Im into him. Theres just one thing. He cheated on his last girlfriend. So maybe he admitted to his cheating.. BEFORE it got serious between you two.. The fact that a guy admits to his cheating BEFORE he starts something serious with a girl could be different than admitting it AFTER he's in the relationship.. Maybe he's thinking now .. 'I should have shut the F-up'...
edinsvet Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Plenty of people cheat on bad relationships and get serious when the right one comes along. I wouldn't put any mind to it.
Trialbyfire Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Now, Ive asked him about these rumors (cause at the time they were just rumors) and he admitted to them. I think some of you might have ignored or missed this little piece of information. He never confessed to cheating. She asked him about it due to rumours. This is a very different scenario since without her asking, I wonder if he would have ever mentioned it or would have conveniently lied by omission. Add in his "excuses" and you have a scenario of actions are more telling than words. OP, do your homework. I mean that seriously. Cheating is a dysfunctional coping mechanism. Before taking the leap of investing, ensure this guy truly is and was remorseful and doesn't have a pattern of behaviour. Watch for a man who's very selfish.
edinsvet Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 I think some of you might have ignored or missed this little piece of information. He never confessed to cheating. She asked him about it due to rumours. This is a very different scenario since without her asking, I wonder if he would have ever mentioned it or would have conveniently lied by omission. Add in his "excuses" and you have a scenario of actions are more telling than words. OP, do your homework. I mean that seriously. Cheating is a dysfunctional coping mechanism. Before taking the leap of investing, ensure this guy truly is and was remorseful and doesn't have a pattern of behaviour. Watch for a man who's very selfish. I think it doesn't matter how she found out or whether he admitted it. Maybe the relationship was terrible. A lot of guys cheat on relationships they are not happy in and then stay loyal when they find the right one. Here are the warning signs of a guy who is cheating on you right now: If he lies all of the time, If he is overly jealous, if he is can't keep his eyes off of every woman that walks by, if he wants to go out with his "friends" on weekends and sees you only on Tuesday night. Those would be bad signs. Who cares if he cheated on a relationship that didn't work. It didn't work that is why he is available.
Trialbyfire Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 I think it doesn't matter how she found out or whether he admitted it. Maybe the relationship was terrible. A lot of guys cheat on relationships they are not happy in and then stay loyal when they find the right one. Here are the warning signs of a guy who is cheating on you right now: If he lies all of the time, If he is overly jealous, if he is can't keep his eyes off of every woman that walks by, if he wants to go out with his "friends" on weekends and sees you only on Tuesday night. Those would be bad signs. Who cares if he cheated on a relationship that didn't work. It didn't work that is why he is available. Until you've been exposed to a cheater, from the perspective of someone who's been cheated on before, you won't understand how fracked up some cheaters are inside. Many don't and/or are incapable of seeing their own dysfunction clearly.
Author Katherineos123 Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 Thanks for the responses everyone! Ive talked to my girls about this, but the answers are a little bias, being as they know both of us, so its nice to have some third party opinions! I think I should elaborate about this a little more. Him and I have known each other a long time. We went to high school together, went away to college, graduated, and ended up metting up aagain in our hometown. We had a really good time together. Talked a lot. Met up a few times. Then a mutual friend of ours mentions the issue of the infidelity. I was bummed. Needless to say, not something you want to hear about someone your interested in! So, Halloween comes around, and he had come to visit. We were having a great time, and with the help of some liquid courage *always a bad idea* I decide to ask him about it, and he merely replies "Yeah, I did" That was it. No excuses made. I didnt pry much more other than "Man! That sucks! I really wish you didnt do that" and he said "Me either." Fastforward to last weekend. I go out with some friends, one of whom is the guy who told me about the cheating in the first place. I decide to get some more information. me: So I know you want whats best for me. Is he a scumbag or what? him: No. Theyre relationship was pretty toxic. She wasnt very good to him. He tried to break things off with her, but she would always guilt him back into stayin with her. He was drunk, it happened once, and he regrets it. me: So then, you think I should go for it? him: He really likes you. In fact, he told me if you asked anything about the situation, that I should be honest with you. Hes not trying to hide anything. So. You see, it wasnt him who made the excuses, but this was the opinion of a good friend of his. He pretty much just admitted to the cheating, and that was all he said. But he did tell his friend that if I asked, to tell me the absolute truth. This friend is also one of my best friends, so I dont think he would lie to me, and tell me something that wasnt true to help his boy out. So, Im pretty much gonna rule out the notion that what he is telling me isnt true. He wouldnt lie to me. Theres one more thing. I live in Boston, and hes about an hour and a half away. Just one more card stacked against us.
CommitmentPhobe Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 This cuts both ways, once a cheated on always a cheated on? There's a pattern there too and a lot of stuff comes with it. If you think he's worth the risk take it. If you think he treats you right, go with that until proven otherwise. If you haven't got the esteem to know what you're worth and how you should be treated, stay out a relationship.
Trialbyfire Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Katherine, which is the truth? What you stated in your first post or what you stated in your follow up post? I'm requoting what you wrote the first time. Don't cover for him just because you want a relationship. Do your homework. Now, Ive asked him about these rumors (cause at the time they were just rumors) and he admitted to them. He told me that yes he did technically cheat on her, but that it was a very complicated situation, and he feels terrible about it. That the relationship was pretty toxic, and he had tried to get out of it many times... and that this just kind of happened.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Any suggestions from cheater's or cheatee's would be really helpful! In my opinion, once a cheat, always a cheat.
edinsvet Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 TrialByFire, I respectfully disagree. And well, yes I did have experiences with women cheating on me. And yeah it was hell. But, I still feel that just because someone cheated on their last relationship doesn't mean that they will cheat on the next. And if they didn't cheat on their last relationship, that does not necessarily mean they will be loyal to the next either. I can think of many examples of cheaters that went loyal, and stayed that way. And Visa Versa. Each new relationship is completely unique. So if you like him go for it.
grogster Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Predicting human behavior, especially when it comes to sex, is an Art, not a Science. There are never guarantees. On the other hand, the "once a cheater, always a cheater" formulation is a bit facile. If I was back in the dating pool, I'd date a woman who, years ago, had a single extramarital affair. One affair does not a lifetime cheater make. If the good lady was a serial cheater, that would give me pause. I would have less faith in her fidelity. So if the affair happened years ago and involved just one person, I'd give the lady the benefit of the doubt. If the affair is of more recent vintage and there's serial infidelity, I'd be very, very cautious.
JamesM Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Most of those who say that once a cheater means always a cheater base that on their experience which is...they were cheated upon. It could also be that those who cheated will say that it does not mean the pattern cannot be broken. Biases determine our opinions. It is not a given either way. As grogster said, we are all human and are not necessarily predictable. A pattern of cheating is more indicative of the future than a one time incident. Take for example if a woman has been with a verbally abusive husband. During her lowest moments when she wants to leave but cannot, a kind and gentle man comes along and is a great listener. Through his support, she is able to leave. During that time as she needed some comfort to even make it another day, she had a weak moment when they slept with each other. Does this mean that she will cheat again? Not necessarily. Now take an example of a man who visited prostitutes (escorts) in his prior marriage. He is now divorced and sees the wrongness of his past actions. Does his past mean he will visit escorts again in his future relationships? Depends but it is statistically a good chance. Again, there is no guarantee though. He may really have changed. But as a woman, it would be really taking a risk with this man. It would not be as great a risk if one chose the first woman. So many circumstances determine how our past affects our future. No one answer applies to all or even most cases.
Author Katherineos123 Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 Thanks again for all the responses everyone! Trial By Fire. I realized what I had written in the first post, which is why I wanted to clarify in my second. What I meant in my first post is that he told me yes he had cheated on her, just that. The rest of the explanations were from what my friend had told me. I was trying to condense the story. Im not by any means trying to justify his actions by covering for him. I am looking for advice about a dicey situation... Hence, posting about it on LoveShack! I think that Im just going to let things happen as they may. Although I am worried that I might not be able to get this out of my head, especially since we live so far away from each other. Which is taxing on any relationship. Hopefully Ill be able to let my gaurd down enough for him to prove to me that this is worth it...
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