Ccarey Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 I am really confused and please help. I think i did this wrong last time. Hope it works, right. I had an emotional affair with a man who i have known for 2 years casually. I met him on a plane after my father's passed. He happened to be an old neighbor of both of my deceased parents and knew them well. We kept in touch because he was going to help me with some money I had inherited. I eventually woke up to the fact that i was very attracted to him emotionally. We live over 1500 miles apart. I told him of my feelings and he responded. We started to talk to each other by phone and make plans to meet in person where i lived. He said he would fly to me. We ended up talking dirty on the phone and started to have phone sex which was amazing and wonderful. It seemed like he was really into me. He told me the other week that "He didn't want my relationship to end with my husband." He also said that he likes it that i live far away because he doesn't want anyone in his town knowing his business. He has been married three times and his last wife of ten years left him because she wasn't attracted to him anymore. He is very successful and extremely turns me on. My husband has not had sex with more for more than a year. He says he has no sexual drive so I am completely neglected physically so craved the attention this other man gave me. Now what happened is, after saying how he was so turned on by me and such, he flaked on coming out to see me. He said he didn't hear from me so cancelled his ticket. I don't call or chase him because I feel awkward chasing guys and I know he wants me to call. So, the other day he texted me that he was thinking about me. He then called and said he was coming out in five days for one night and would love to talk to me about it. I called him back with in 2 hours and left a message. We have only seen each other once, so i am a little scared to see him in person and have sex for fear of falling in love with him. This was thursday and he never called me back. This is so unusual for him not to call me back when he called me in the first place. So, i texted him and asked him if he got my message, and yet no answer by text. I am baffled to say the least. Did i do something wrong. Why is he playing games? I think he is waiting for me to call him again and reassure him that i want him, but i just feel like I am begging. He knows how bad i want him. I can't move on and just keep obcessing. He was the one in the first place that suggested we meet. I feel like i risked my marriage for him. Had phone sex with him. Showed him how much i wanted him and then to be played with like this. It is so weird. Please help. It is all true and so darn weird. He also said that if i invested my money with him firm than that would give us a reason to see each other, an excuse to be in each other's life. This is a man who is 15 years older than me, knew my parents and knows my family.
signedin2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 It seems that all he want is to make you his you-know-what. Do you really want to be known as a cheater? How would your dad feel if he know about this...wait, he probably does. How does your family feel if they found out. You're WAY to invested in this than he does. All he wants is to get into your paints. You can't stop it untill you come clean with your husband about what happened. Do it now before things get way out of control, meaning you end up sleeping with him. You're risking your marriage, life, and soul for this man who only sees you as a piece of meat. Wake up.
Author Ccarey Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 thanks. I guess i am way into this. My dad is dead. and i have only had phone sex with him. but what about the money stuff
signedin2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 thanks. I guess i am way into this. My dad is dead. and i have only had phone sex with him. but what about the money stuff If you dad can see you from above. Would he be proud of his daughter? What about the money thing? Is he acting as an attorney? If so, he is violating the rule? If not, is he the only one in the world who can help you with this? Is that help, or even the money worth your selfesteem, your reputation, and your soul? I don't think you have the strength to stop this and if he is coming to town, you'll probably be spreading your you-know-what. You NEED to tell your husband about what happened for the following reasons: 1) If you don't, there will always be a secret, a wall, a distance between you and your H and you can NEVER half true intimacy. 2) If you don't, he won't know how bad things are and will not put in the effort to fix it. 3) If you don't, chance are you will continue this if the OM persues it further and before you know it, thing have gone way too far. 4) It is the right thing to do to tell your husband. Do you want to be a cheater and a CONTINUE liar?
Author Ccarey Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 thanks but it seems you are shaming me. I don't need that. I haven't had sex with my husband for over a year- his choice. I know you are right, but please stop shaming me. I have done nothing yet, but have phone sex with him. I am asking for advice not guilt. i will not tell my husband because that is not the answer for me. Some things are kept to oneself. He is a financial advisor and wanted to handle my money for me. I guess he is the one that ended it because he wont return my phone call. I know you mean well but you come off really harsh and if i were a man, i doubt you would be so harsh. I have never cheated on anyone before so please bare with me here.
signedin2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 You think I am harsh on you? You should have seen what I wrote to others including those cheating husbands and other men. Do you really think I am harsh or is the reality of what you have become or what you have done harsh in and of itself? You're betraying your husband, the vows you've taken, and you're betraying yourself. Yes, yourself. You conscience is and was telling you what you were doing is wrong, but you chose to do it anyway with the flirting, the texting, the phone sex, and even plans to meet up at some hotel for some cheap thrill. The fact that you're not listening to your own heart, soul, concience, and instead did all those horrible things anyway, you're betraying yourself. How did you do that? You did it by justifying your affair and actions by excuses such as my husband never wanted me in the past year, my husband never treated right, etc. Listen to yourself...does that really give you a license to sneak around and become a cheater? Why not divorce your husband if it's really that bad? Instead, you're using that as a justification to cheat. Do you see that?
Author Ccarey Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 yes. I do feel like a fool and even more foolish that this guy ended it, not me.
whichwayisup Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 We live over 1500 miles apart Because of this, you never give him money. Sure, he may have known your parents, but you don't know this guy that well. Don't let him manage your money, find someone well known and trustworthy and with a referral. Better safe than sorry.. Focus your energy into fixing your marriage, communicating with your husband and making things better at home. Don't choose to cheat (phone sex is cheating) on your husband..
lkjh Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Why don't you get divorced? What signedin2008 posted wasn't shaming you, it was the reality of the situation.
Author Ccarey Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 i don't need someone making me feel guilty with talks of my deceased parents and such. I thought this was a safe place for advice but it turns out it isn't how my dad wold feel now that he is gone, ect..
dannydrifter Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Hi there my dear. It sounds like this guy is a little confused. Being over 1500 miles apart, it places a strain on forming a lasting relationship. But he might also have been playing with you, it's no clear at this point. I am sorry to hear you are having problems in your marriage. Talk with your husband and tell him that you either go to marriage counseling, or you will get a divorce because it feels like its over. Don't worry about having fallen for this other man. I don't think it was wise, but what's done is done and now you learned from it. Don't call him anymore, and just ignore him if he tries to contact you again. That path could only lead to more headaches and miseries. Good luck and I hope you find more happiness soon.
Author Ccarey Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 thank you for your loving message. I appreciate it.
MegaMags Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Hi CCarey I sympathise with you. I think I can understand some of what you are feeling towards this man who has obviously really turned you on. He may seem to offer something you feel you need right now especially as you seem to be living in an emotional and sexual desert. This man has attracted you, given you feelings of excitement and arousal and offers something in direct contrast to the way you are living and perhaps how you feel your life is. I can understand the dilema you feel. Don't beat yourself up about what has already passed between you. You can learn from it. Just be clear about where it might lead. Reading this forum leaves no illusions about where affairs lead. The person most likely to be caused the most pain is you. Whilst a lot is written about the BS and the OW/OM affairs are devastating to the people involved. You are almost certainly not going to get what you think you want or need from this. Keep looking for help and support... it will get easier...
Owl Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Ccarey...what advice were you HOPING to hear? What "support" did you hope to find? Support telling you that what you're doing is ok...that its alright to cheat on your husband with another man? Advice on how to continue the affair? Posters telling you that what you're doing justified? If that's what you sought, then I can see why you were sorely disappointed with the advice you were given. But...the reality is what you heard. No one here is telling you that what you're doing is OK. On the contrary...they've RIGHTFULLY told you that cheating isn't ok. Its not justifiable. If there are problems in your marriage...you fix the problems. Or, if they're insurmountable...you end the marriage. You don't ADD to the problems by cheating. It really is that simple...that black and white. Simple question...how would your H feel if he knew about your relationship with OM? Would he be ok with having your still work with this OM on money issues, if he knew how you felt about this guy? There's your litmus test. End your affair. INSIST on marriage counseling to address the issues in your marriage. Or...file for divorce. THEN seek out OM.
Author Ccarey Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 I appreciated your comments. Thanks for taking the time to write to me. It just hurts bad. We were friends first so it also hurts that I have lost a friend. I guess he did the best thing for me by not calling or texting anymore. I am going back into counseling. It just sucks that I haven't had sex in over a year, and this guy made me feel so sexually alive.
imagine Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 There are lots of reasons why a guy can't perform. Have you done any research? Bear in mind that this is an important emotional need for you. Don't neglect getting to the bottom of it. We can help you to a limited extent, but YOU need to chat to your H.
Recommended Posts