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Posted

I'm hoping that someone here can help shed some light and offer some advice to me as I'm in a situation that I'm having a hard time dealing with. I'll do my best to be as to the point as possible but honestly there's so many emotions going through me right now it's hard to make sense of them.

 

First my situation. I'm 35 and living with the love of my life and her two children and have been for going on 5 months. Before moving in there I was single for many years, had my own place and went back to and finished college. I was just finishing interning and looking for full-time work when we met, while still working weekends at the job which basically paid for school. I could have easily answered the 'where do you see yourself in 5 years' question as I knew exactly where I wanted to be and what I wanted to do. I had been single for so long that I really hadn't considered someone else in the equation, never mind an entire family unit.

 

Then I met her. I knew right off that it would be something much more if we got involved and took time to consider that before anything happened at all. She actually almost walked as I hadn't given her much of any indication that I was interested other than constant phone/email contact. Well needless to say I decided to give it a go and it was everything I could have dreamed of. We spent ALL our free time together and after a little while started to include the kids in that. I admit that the children aspect was quite daunting to me, I hadn't considered having children before and felt like a fish out of water at first.

 

During this time I got to know hew and her children more and more and things were great. There were a few issues though. I was told a few times that she thought she felt much more for me than I did for her, she also indicated that she thought I was fairly closed off. I admit I keep things to myself quite a bit but am quite in touch with my emotions. I'm really not sure where that comes from as I was the first to say the I love you's and honestly it was like something I hadn't ever experienced before, I couldn't help but tell her and it literally just came out of my mouth. I was head over heels for this girl.

 

Fast forward to today. Since moving in things have been going downhill, but not in the fighting sense. We still have some awesome times together sometimes but they seem to be getting fewer and farther between. These have been focused on a couple main issues, one that is constantly recurring.

 

1. She seems to think that I don't care for her nearly as much as she cares for me. I do everything I know how to show her she's loved and am a very affectionate person. I buy her flowers, make her romantic dinners, tell her I love her and how beautiful I think she is every chance I get, yet I still get (quite often these days) that I just don't care.

 

2. Sex - she has an incredibly high sex drive, more than any woman I've ever met, meaning wanting it multiple times per day every day. I love sex and our sex life is amazing but I just don't want it that often. The problem is if it goes more than 1-2 days she feels that I don't find her sexy and I don't want her. She also says that she feels she's the one to always initiate it. I'm starting to think that her entire sense of feeling loved and beautiful is wrapped up in our sex life. She's the sexiest and most beautiful woman I've ever met and I even find myself fantasizing about us together at times (and tell her about it) yet these problems still exist.

 

3. I was raised very liberally and have never found my partner appreciating another to be threatening in any way and have never had a partner who did. I've even bought ex's the 'firemen' calendar and things like that and often shared copies of Maxim and the like. This is what has now become the core issue in our relationship and is a constant battle, to the point she was ready to end it over this. She feels insanely threatened if I have even remotely sexual images of woman anywhere, which I did on my laptop from before we were together (mostly archived I might add, she had to go looking to find them). These weren't porn in any way, more Victoria Secret than Penthouse. I find nothing wrong with this type of thing but wouldn't put them up as wallpaper or something as respect for her. I occasionally read askmen.com and maxim's website as well and can't see anything wrong in that. She says it hurts her, is disrespectful to ever go look this stuff up and wants me to not do it, at all, ever. She also says that if I have to look at pictures of women that I must not be getting everything I want/need at home. This has come to a point that as I said, she wants to end the relationship over it because I won't agree to that. I have to add that I don't surf porn or even read these sites often, a few times a month and usually from work as all the stuff I would read or look at is work safe. I could really go on about this point as there's just SO much that has happened and can expand if anyone wants more info.

 

So here we are now. There's other issues but I think those are the core ones. I'm still very much in love with her and now with her two wonderful kids, but I'm miserable. I'm really tired of feeling sad I have to say. This feels like a complete emotional rollercoaster and it's really really wearing on me. She's asked me to see a MC with her and I've agreed. I really want this to work, more than anything I do. Hopefully we can get the appointment sooner rather than later.

 

I'm starting to wonder though, even though I love her dearly, could we just not be compatible? I don't know. I want to believe that if we want it enough and love each other that we can work through these things but it's starting to feel like a full-time job just staying happy together. I know that a relationship requires effort and sometimes work to make it, but I don't think it should be THIS hard. It shouldn't require absolutely constant work and attention to be happy.

 

Feeling quite lost, confused and alone right now.

 

C

Posted

She's insecure and somehow needs to learn to trust you. Seems you haven't done anything really wrong, yet she will always find reasons to doubt your love for her.

 

Maybe things moved too fast? You really haven't known her for too long and already you're living together and a part of a family..That in itself brings alot of pressure and responsibility into the relationship.

 

If the love is there and you two are willing to communicate, and really listen to one another, AND she's willing to deal with her insecurity issues, learn how to work through them, then go to counselling, it can only help.

Posted

Take what I say with a grain of salt as I am here because I am having marriage issues. My wife had 2 kids when I met her (and we now have one together) so I understand how much harder it is when your decisions affect a lot of lives.

 

On to the topic..

My wife has always been extremely jealous. It started out like yours and never got better. I cannot watch a rated R movie without dirty looks, I can’t open a Victoria secret spam email without her going off the deep end, and porno is a marriage ending event. I have pushed back on things sometimes ... but it has never gotten any better.

 

Not much advise except don't expect her to get over it, or get better ... it is what it is.

Posted

I agree with the previous poster, it is not very likely that she will change.

 

If you can’t do what she asks, be clear about it. Be prepared that she might walk away though – it is obviously a deal breaker for her.

Whatever you decide to do please, and I can’t stress it enough, please don’t lie to her. Too many men in your situation make that mistake.

 

Is your looking at sexy women so important to you that you wouldn’t give it up for ‘the love of your life’ (as you put it)?

Posted

My quick off the cuff response, insecurities, some form of child abuse, I will stretch here and say sexual,

 

You can do cartwheels all day, and you cant raise someone elses inner self esteem.

  • Author
Posted

whichwayisup - we did move too fast, there is no doubt in either of our minds of that. We weren't ready to live together and I think are now partly paying the price for that error in judgment. We are going to see someone as a last ditch effort to try to salvage what we have, just being around her right now though, it feels over and it's killing both of us.

 

morelaugh - I've been very clear about my feelings on the subject and I have no intention of lying to her or trying to hide things. Honestly that's the reason I can't say to her that I won't ever, I refuse to lie to her. I have no intention as well of browsing that stuff at home at all as I know how she feels about it, but it's at the point that I can't even read a blog or look at a website that has anything to do with women at all. This latest round came up when she saw my news reader on the computer with a news feed for holytaco.com (I find some of their stories quite funny) which she spent the next hour reading in it's entirety. I have no problem giving a little and compromising, but I shouldn't have to stop reading things like askmen.com or maxim, things I have always enjoyed reading for content other than the 'babes' aspect, because there's a sexy woman on the page/cover.

 

others - thanks for the input, giving me stuff to think about.

 

We talked last night, or more accurately sat together and cried for over an hour when I got home from work. I think we made at least a little progress but I don't know how much. I've asked her to try to get the appointment for us ASAP as it's so so hard to be around her right now, I feel miles away from her. It's as if neither of us really know what to say to the other. we'll be sitting in the same room together yet I miss her.

 

I'm really hoping right now that the kids don't sense that something is really wrong. I know if this ends it's going to hurt them and that's so hard to deal with, I'm not quite sure how to get my head around that.

 

C

Posted
I agree with the previous poster, it is not very likely that she will change.

 

If you can’t do what she asks, be clear about it. Be prepared that she might walk away though – it is obviously a deal breaker for her.

Whatever you decide to do please, and I can’t stress it enough, please don’t lie to her. Too many men in your situation make that mistake.

 

Is your looking at sexy women so important to you that you wouldn’t give it up for ‘the love of your life’ (as you put it)?

But would that even be enough? If she goes ballistic if she walks into the room when a Victoria's Secret ad is on the TV channel you're watching, there's someting else going on here. Anyone who interprets a 48-hour hiatus in their sexlife as rejection has issues that will ultimately need to be addressed.

 

I don't think this is as simple as dumping the content of your hard-drive...

 

Mr. Lucky

Posted

Read up on BPD. Some red flags here that may indicate this type of disorder.

Posted
But would that even be enough?

From my personal experience it made a huge difference.

I’m sure it would be more that enough if it was better timed.

However, OP is adamant about it – he is not prepared to stop – so that is not an option.

 

If she goes ballistic if she walks into the room when a Victoria's Secret ad is on the TV channel you're watching, there's someting else going on here.

Yes, but that's a serous exaggeration,don’t you think?

 

I don't think this is as simple as dumping the content of your hard-drive...

I agree with that.

Posted

I've read at askmen.com

 

It basically tells men to treat women like sex objects, how to get your girlfriend to have 3some and generally how to be a complete dick.

 

I wouldn't tell you not to read it, though.

 

I'd just realize you're not the one for me and leave you. :)

Posted

I lived with a girl (I'm bisexual) who was like this with me. She equated love with sex; and sex with her own self-worth. I can't say that, as a woman, I also haven't fallen prey to this type of thinking. However, when it affects the relationship profoundly, it can be downright miserable for the person who has to constantly reassure.

 

Honestly, she needs to see a therapist on her own in order to deal with her feelings of self-worth and her attitudes towards sex. Going together to counseling might help, but really... it sounds like she feels really threatened in this relationship and needs to deal with those issues on her own.

 

As for the jealousy-type behavior, I can honestly tell you that no amount of reassurance ever worked for my ex-girlfriend. I remember the same types of looks and outright assertions that I wanted someone else... just from watching an R rated movie!

 

If you can't encourage her to seek therapy on her own, go to the MC together. Try and work it out if you are in love. Just go in knowing that her issues probably run deep - back to her childhood - and you might not be able to fix them enough to make the relationship tolerable.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks for the help everyone. I still hope that things will get better and that we will be able to find some comfortable middle ground. Just thought I would update on where we are right now and add some things that I think I left out. I was upset when I originally posted.

 

She wants to see a councilor herself and has agreed to do so, right now we have an appointment together but she is planning on going herself as well. She doesn't understand why she feels so incredibly threatened by these things and really wants to understand and be able to conquer it. I hope that's possible as I think she'll be so much happier in herself by understanding and dealing with the underlying problems causing all this. Above all that's what I would like to see, hopefully we can last long enough that I get to be there for that.

 

I would have to say things are day-to-day at the moment. We have moments where things feel like they're moving forward only to be right back where we started a short time later. I think that's to be expected as we're working through something that I think runs very deeply through each of us. There's a trust that needs to be there and isn't right now, shes having a very hard time trusting me right now and I'm having a hell of a time with the feelings that I'm not trusted when I don't feel that I've betrayed her trust. She seems absolutely haunted by this and I hate to see her fighting an internal battle that looks to be consuming her at times. I try to be understanding and supportive without getting my back up, which is very hard sometimes and I'm not always successful. I've agreed not to visit any sites that are solely about T&A while still reading sites that I've read for a long time for things other than that, which may happen to have a component of that in it.

 

Unfortunately I think something happened this morning that may have done some damage to our ability to get through all this. I myself have trouble seeing the positive sometimes, especially when things are at their worst it's hard to see what's right about it. Today I told her some things that have been bothering me greatly about our compatibility in general. Sometimes it's very hard to see what we see eye-to-eye on and really, what we're fighting for. There's been some things that I've had a difficult time with. I know I have a habit of 'doomsdaying' so-to-speak but I try not to, sometimes I can't help it and it causes me to question everything. I think having some differences are vital to keep things interesting but I guess with everything that's been going on lately it's been difficult to see past the bad. We differ on things like music (i'm very much into alt-rock and indie, she's more adult contemp), food (she's a vegetarian and I'll eat just about anything and love exploring new foods), and seemingly lots of other things. I told her all this today and now I think she thinks I don't have hope for this to work and that all I see is the bad. It's caused her to question why she's here and honestly, with how things have been going lately, I don't know at all where that line of thinking is going to take her.

 

What keeps me here is that when things are good they're really good. The fact of the matter is that I fell deeply in love with her as a person. It all feels so very confusing. As she said this morning she wonders if we're not trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

 

I'm sure there's more to say but I have so many other things that I should be doing right now.

 

Thanks all, if for no other reason that to let me get this stuff out.

 

C

Posted

Hmmmmmmmm sounds a little bit selfish on her part? You are constantly making her dinners, buying her presents and complimenting her and yet are not giving enough?

 

She is definately insecure and lacks trust. However I do agree on the other women thing. Maybe because of my own insecurities but I feel a lot of stuff men look at is quite misogynist and disrespectful and can make a woman feel like that's what you truly feel about women causing her to pull away. It may seem difficult for a man to understand but say she often (I know you say for you it's not often) read magazines and stuff like that about men which was quite derogatory, cruel and even ridiculing of the male gender - you might feel a bit tetchy about it too. I'm not saying ALL stuff men look at is like this but a lot of it is and for women this can make them feel that's how you see them or want them to be. It can become threatening. They don't seem like such big issues to end over but may need some real conversation and adjusting on both your parts.

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