shayna Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Just curious what everyone thinks about this... What do you think can be said about an ex who doesn't date anyone for about 1.5 years after you broke up? He broke up with me and we were together for just over 8.5 years. I'm just curious if its because of me somehow and our history (ie. I meant more to him than I thought), if its because he still cared too much about me or didn't want to hurt me, or if it was just because there was no one available (though he has single women hanging off him all the time its sickening). For the past year and a half I have been so stressed by the potential for him to move on before I was healed. He and I got together off and on for ex-sex up until June so obviously I haven't healed as well as I should have by now (and yes, we stopped this for good). Anyway, it looks like he is finally interested in someone and is trying to date her after meeting her at a recent party. And apparently she is taking the bait fully. Heard all this through some new mutual friends who don't actually know that the ex and I have a history. I'm not happy about him dating (sad like crazy actually) but almost accept that I can't stop him and I can't put my life on hold trying to figure out what he is doing and whether he still misses me or not. Anyway, I guess I've been lucky that he's been single until now but here comes the hard part...seeing them around at functions will tear me apart I'm afraid.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 I think your ex probably wasn't dating because he had just spent 8.5 years in a meaningful relationship, and its hard to replace that immediately. He probably just needed some solid time to be single, enjoy his life free of a romantic commitment for a little while, before moving on to a new girl. The good news for you is, it sounds like you were kind of at a stall point in your getting over your ex in that he hadn't found a new person, so he hadn't moved on fully, so you didn't let yourself either. Now, he has taken the next step and is going on with his life, so you have a new stage of healing to go through.
kizik Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 I'm not happy about him dating (sad like crazy actually) but almost accept that I can't stop him Well, he's your ex, and it's not your job to be happy about him dating. And this thread, which is concerned with "why" he is taking so long to date, is ludicrous because it is none of your business. Stay out of his life and try not to feel one way or the other about his dating. It's no longer your life; it's his. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you can live your own life as well.
Author shayna Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 Geez Kizik thanks for throwing salt in a still open wound. I don't know why people think harshness works- because it doesn't. It makes a person who already feels like crap for feeling so strongly about their ex (when they know they shouldn't) feel that much worse. I'm not an idiot- I know he's out of my life and that I shouldn't concern myself with him. But excuse me for having a wee bit of trouble getting over him when I was with him for nearly a @#$% decade. I'd prefer it if you don't reply to my threads from now on OK? Thanks. I was just curious that's all and needing to talk.
Star Gazer Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Are you sure he hasn't dated at all? Or are you just saying that he hasn't been in a committed relationship since you broke up?
Author shayna Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 Definitely no committed relationships and I'm sure of that (we share many friends- some who aren't always good about not gossiping). We had a chat a month and a half ago and he said he's been on a couple of what sounded like "quasi" dates with one girl recently to see if it was a worthwhile venture- didn't turn into anything I guess (it would have been somewhat a sticky situation because she and I share a close friend). He also heard I had been on some dates too which is entirely wrong. Also, four months after we broke up last summer (2007) he got together with a friend of his once or twice for sex over the course of one week. He told me later he was not interested in her at all but just horny and it was convenient. Figures.
Star Gazer Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Okay, so he HAS "dated." He just hasn't had a girlfriend. I think it's obvious he takes relationships seriously, and doesn't enter into one unless it's "right." But that's not to say he hasn't been trying to find one...know what I mean?
dannydrifter Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 He probably didn't date because he either enjoys messing around with many women, or because he can't find a woman who will date him. How are you doing Shayna? Are you trying to date? I'm sorry to hear that he broke up with you, and that you are going through these sad and depressing times. You will meet someone much better soon. Try and hang in there darlin, you will be ok.
kizik Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Geez Kizik thanks for throwing salt in a still open wound. I don't know why people think harshness works- because it doesn't. It makes a person who already feels like crap for feeling so strongly about their ex (when they know they shouldn't) feel that much worse. I'm not an idiot- I know he's out of my life and that I shouldn't concern myself with him. But excuse me for having a wee bit of trouble getting over him when I was with him for nearly a @#$% decade. I'd prefer it if you don't reply to my threads from now on OK? Thanks. I was just curious that's all and needing to talk. My sincere apologies for making things worse. I'm not trying to be harsh. Let's pretend I said this: While I appreciate the pain that comes from finding out an ex is with someone new (I saw my ex with someone new for the first time last night), the fact remains that you should probably stop talking with him, and most certainly, you need to NOT ask your friends what he is up to. And if they try to tell you, cut them off. I am sorry for what you are going through. And I am sorry if I made you feel crappy.
Author shayna Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 He probably didn't date because he either enjoys messing around with many women, or because he can't find a woman who will date him. How are you doing Shayna? Are you trying to date? I'm sorry to hear that he broke up with you, and that you are going through these sad and depressing times. You will meet someone much better soon. Try and hang in there darlin, you will be ok. Actually I think that he's been very cautious as to what he does as we share so many friends and things have been revealed to me that never should have been normally. I never ask for information from people, it just arrives (some new shared acquaintances don't even realize that the ex and I even have a history because it was 1.5 years ago and so gossip reaches me even when I don't want to hear it). I also believe that he was pretty messed up for a long time after we split- the ex isn't a cruel person at all and I think he felt a large amount of guilt for hurting me so much by ending the relationship after so long- when I was actually thinking we would get married. And having mutual friends taking sides only made it that much more difficult for both of us- and I really do believe that for at least a year he was really feeling horrible. Plus, after nine years of being unsure about us, I think it makes sense that he wants to choose carefully whoever he commits to next. But I really do think why he wasn't dating had a lot to do with me and how I would react and not him. I truly wish that I could move on and not care. I've tried sooooo hard and done all the usual "getting over him" things people recommend. I'm just so exhausted and angry with myself that I still care so much. Dating for me hasn't even begun. But that is not by a lack of trying. I'm meeting so many new people every day and I'm even on a dating website but to no avail so far. I'm in my early thirties, in med school, and the friends that are more mine than his (I had to cut out the others for obvious reasons) are all married. There's just NO ONE even on the horizon. No one! Its getting so pathetic that I'm even questioning my attractiveness (I feel old and being in class again with 20 year olds doesn't help and certainly doesn't expose me to potential partners) and why anyone would even want to date me anyway. I have no idea why the ex stayed so long with me except guilt and being too nice to hurt me. Sadly, for a man like my ex who is well off, settled, attractive and available its so different- plus there are many more single women around- especially in his little "group". I hate to say it because its shallow and co-dependent, but I am positive I could handle this much better if I was with someone first. I'm so lonely all the time even in the midst of being frighteningly too busy. There's not much more of this I can take! Its already been 1.5 years and I still think of him constantly. I really think there is something wrong with me that I can't heal like others can. I'm scared I'm going to end up like one of those women who never move on and stays single forever. Oh and thanks for the apology Kzik
LikeCharlotte Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Hello shayna. I feel like I am hearing a story about myself when I read about your ex. I am in a similar situation but I am in the position that your ex is in. I can tell you this. Yes, most of my choices about dating have been careful because of him. I've chosen my words and my actions to keep from hurting my ex LTR. We are close and I really care about him but the time eventually came where I could no longer wait for him to figure out what he wanted or for him to start getting over it. I've enabled him to keep me in a sort of ex-girlfriend/girlfriend limbo for 2 years after we broke things off. I've dated but I kept it out of his face out of respect for his grieving. He has not dated and until recently I don't think he wanted a girlfriend (including me) at all. I'm glad that I haven't hurt him but eventually he needs to start moving on. Whatever he does or doesn't feel about being with me; cliche as it is "a little too little a little too late." Just the other day I told him about my recent interest and he didn't take it well. I don't know where my new interest is going but the time has come for my ex to start being my friend without my being careful of his feelings about a new relationship or vice versa. At this point we are either really friends or we are not. It is too late for anything else. I can't feel badly about it any longer and I refuse to feel guilty. I don't want to make things worse for you shayna. I know how it feels to think you are going to be alone forever and that meeting someone new is impossible. Right now you sound like you are jelous that he's able to date sooner but you don't sound like you are jelous of the new girl. That is great. I think you should start focusing on what is going right for you and what you have to offer your next relationship rather than on what he is doing. Try not to be angry with him and please stop beating yourself up. I'm sure you have pleanty going for you. This guy isn't the center of the universe and his choice in a new partner is no reflection on you. In fact , it has little, if nothing to do with you at all. It's not easy but it is possible. You seem thoughtful, sensitive and as if you are shocked that your esteem is taking a hit. It's all normal. You are healing at a normal pace after such a long relationship. My ex was unsure for years and I finally let go - unfortunatly before he did. The grieving was long and difficult but I finally see that we made the right choice. If it helps any, not for one second does that mean that that I didn't care or that I didn't hope it would all work out for the best. Have you ever read Art critic's sig? One day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.. Good stuff, and true I hope.
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