Starseed Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 First, would you consider this a proposal? "I know you don't want to get married right now, but, with a long engagement, will you marry me?" V V V V V V V V V V V V V I know, I did, because I spoke it. The night of my boyfriend's birthday, I asked him. He had said in the past that he wanted to get married in the future, but I knew the timing was not good for him. His mother only has months to live and he has to take care of her. He is 23, lives with his mother, and is the primary caretaker. But I know he's the one I want to marry. He's sweet, caring, funny, supportive, and shares a lot of interests with me. Plus, on the realistic side, all couples fight now and then, and he's the guy I want to fight with. Why? Because we compromise and work things out unlike past relationships I've been in. So, during a quiet, intimate moment, I asked him. He said, "yes." It was such a smooth reply that the next day and then a week later, I asked him if he knew I was serious. He laughed at me, teased me a bit, and then said yes again ("Are you going to ask me every week?"). I was thinking we could wait two years (an average engagement is 1 year) allowing him to focus on his mother and us to get in a financially good place where we could afford everything. I didn't have a ring, but I'm not a traditional girl. I never spent hours planning my wedding and we both don't have a lot of money so it could be saved up for. Plus, I wanted a wedding that focused on us, because I don't believe in using a wedding as an excuse to display myself like a princess. Then, I noticed Ron's mom and sister didn't say anything to me about the engagement. I wondered if my bf didn't say anything to his mom, because she's ill and has memory problems. So, I ignored that. But then I wondered if he was that intimidated of his outspoken sister that he didn't say anything to her. So, one day I brought it up to him and he acted like it was not a big deal to him, but he would tell her. Two weeks later, his sister announced she was engaged to her boyfriend and it was obvious she still didn't know about our engagement. So, after we ended the night with her, my bf finally realized I was upset, but he couldn't figure out why and I was too heartbroken to explain it to him that night. I acted tired and he left. The next day, I told him I took back my offer, because his behavior shows he doesn't really want to get married. Then, he finally admitted he thought that I was originally asking him if he would one day in the future marry me. This blew my mind. Even after I specifically said to him the weeks following that "I did NOT mean maybe one day in the future." So, after growing used to the idea that we were engaged, it's been ripped away. I feel stupid for asking him. I feel stupid for telling my family. I feel stupid being around him. That was two days ago. I talked to him very little on the phone yesterday. He had called me and I know he had something to say, but he was too scared to say it. So, there was a lot of silence and I eventually said good bye. I haven't talked to him today and I don't see myself calling him tomorrow. I don't want to go through seeing his sister gush and plan her wedding, which is in May. I love him, but I feel so hurt right now. The only reason I got out of bed yesterday was because my mom baited me with a movie I wanted to see. Today, I was in the same state. I don't know why I'm writing this other than to get it off my chest...I don't know what to do next. When I think of seeing him, the pain in my chest gets worse.
Ocean-Blue Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 You'll get married when both of you are ready. He obviously isn't ready. Don't cause yourself unnecessary heartache. 23 is hardly old. Enjoy what you have with him... Marriage is not the be all and end all.
Author Starseed Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 No, it's not. I would have been happy waiting before this happened. But it seemed logical to ask considering I want him and he wants me. What is the difference between becoming engaged now and waiting a few years and getting engaged in a year? If he had said "no" and here is my reasoning, it would have been different than him saying yes even after I explained I was serious and waiting to admit just long enough for me to tell my family and friends.
LapinAmor Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Im sorry that you ended up in a situation like this. In my opinion, you are trying to move things too fast. I say this becuase you said that you knew he wasnt ready but asked him anyway. If you two are really in love and are ment to be then the option to get married with always be there. The difference is the mind set and the way you see each other. Being engaged is a huge commitment and it sounds like he has a lot on his plate right now- remember men are as good multitaskers as we are! Until then be focused in the here and now or else life will pass you by. I think you need to take time to be hurt but then move on. The way you described it you love him and he loves you so making up and getting back together will eventually happen. Might as well make it sooner than later. Life is short- dont waste it not spending time with the one you love. Support and be there for him as he helps his mother. Im sure it will mean alot to him to have you at his side and he wont hesitate to back you up the same way when you need it in the future. Good luck
torranceshipman Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 I'd make it up with him-life is too short to fall out with someone you love over a misunderstanding, even if it is kinda embarrassing...I can see why he thought this was all a bit vague and may have misunderstood you. I think he thought he was agreeing to a hypothetical, whereas you literally meant what you said: plus, to him it probably confirmed what he'd already told you, that he'd like to get married one day but sometime quite far in the future, whereas in your mind the story is actually a lot more urgent: 'lets get engaged right now so its official and we can tell everybody, then we'll get married in 2yrs' which sounds a lot more urgent! It's going against what you he told you he was ready for, which is a bit unfair. Maybe he is also traditional and wants to ask you when the time is right, and he already probably thinks he's given you reassurance that one day, that will happen, but not right now as he's been upfront enough to say he's not ready yet. I'd enjoy the lovely times right now and it'll eventually happen when the time is right...
Jo78 Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 "I know you don't want to get married right now, but, with a long engagement, will you marry me?" I think when he said "yes", he thought he was answering to a hypothetical question rather than to a proposal. His 'yes' translating to "Sure, I can see myself marrying you some day. And when I finally pop the question and give you a ring, a long engagement would be cool". It was a misunderstanding. Hence the awkward situation between you guys.
nicki Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 I understand that you simply want a commitment from him that he is thinking marriage down the road....and he is! That's really enough. Getting engaged now and wearing a ring doesn't guarantee you a wedding. He could easily call if off anytime. Much better for him to really want to marry you, get a ring, and start actively planning for a wedding. Think about it from his perspective. He loves you. He can see you two getting married someday. His mom is dying. First things first. Be there for him during this rough time. Love him and give freely. After his mom dies, he will need you. He will also be confused and angry at some time. Just ride out the storm with him. Be his rock. If you two get married, then you will have a stronger marriage for it. If it turns out you don't get married, then you wouldn't have anyway, even with a engagement now. Thoughts of marriage are not first on his mind. I'm sure his mom is, and the very real and scary thought of losing her. Help him to take care of her. Shop for her. Keep her company. Ease his mind that he is doing everything he can so he won't have future regrets about this time. Be his shoulder to cry on. That's what a good wife would do anyway.
Author Starseed Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 I hope none of you think I'm being insensitive about his mom, because I did ask him before we found out about his mom. Rereading my post, I see that I made it sound like I had asked him afterwards. I think I was so upset I was just rambling. I have talked to him since posting and I have a whole new form of confusion. He told me he wants to be treated like my fiance - he wants to have the committment, get married in the same timeframe, be called "Uncle", and have the family treatment. He just doesn't want the title. I don't know why he wouldn't want the title other than he's afraid of stealing his sister's thunder.
torranceshipman Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 That still doesn't sound right...I think he sounds like he loves you and hes trying in his mind to find a compromise that might suit everybody...I think he probably knew about you crying non stop for 2 days or whatever, and hated how upset you were and wanted to say something helpful as after all, he does love you...I really think you should minimize the stress on him right now (he might be thinking the same too, hence his suggestion) as it sounds like his life is very stressful with his mom....I agree with the earlier poster-just be there for him. I'd say, just step back and say its back to just girlfriend-boyfriend as thats what we should be right now, and in the future when you feel its right, lets do the engagement thing properly!
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