BigAl2 Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 Hey all, I dated a girl for about 4 months. She was really great to be around and we had a really good time. The reality was though, that I was too busy with, and to focused on, my job, and I was also holding back emotionally due to the possibility of me being sent for a multi-year secondment to a foreign office. It clicked for her that she was starting to have strong feelings for me and that I wasn't giving her the attention she deserved and worse, that I just wasn't long-term material. She broke up with me, but we kept talking for about a week. I soon learned that I wouldn't be going abroad and second, that I really liked this girl and was willing to make the necessary changes in my life. We had another talk, during which I told her this and said I wanted to get back together. She took a lot of it to heart, but also said that she had been doing some thinking of her own, and thought breaking up was the best thing to do. She said she needs some time to "figure herself out". She said that if she was in, she wanted to give me 100%, and she wasn't sure that she could do this right now. She was genuinely surprised and pleased with what I told her about how I felt about her and would say stuff like "Its really good you are telling me this. I had no idea you felt this way." She asked if we could hang out as friends, but I said that was too confusing and I didn't want to go through that. The last memorable thing she said in the conversation was "I'm not saying this isn't going to happen.... I just need some time." So, thats where we are. As opposed to some other breakups I have had, I feel pretty good about this, and I feel like I have done the right thing regardless of how it turns out. Anybody ever go through anything like this? It is hard not to hear from her, but I know absolutely that it is in my best interest to give her space and not contact her. I know nothing is guaranteed, but I am optimistic.....
BCCA Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 She said she needs some time to "figure herself out" That's probably the most telling statement there. As many here have seen me say before, there is no one in their right mind who would let someone walk out of their life - and risk losing them for good, unless they wanted them to. She sounds like she's trying to be nice about it, but my guess is that she's over it. Nothing changes over night. You dont go from being able to give 100% today to not being able to next week. The next point I look at is that she went for the friends avenue. Thats generally not a good sign that someone wants you back. Friends is a way for a dumper to get what they need from someone else, while looking for their replacement. If she needs something, your phone will ring. If you need something, expect to leave a voicemail and maybe shell get back to you...if she doesnt have anything else to do. Basically, being her friend means dont expect anything from her at all and things will be just fine. "I'm not saying this isn't going to happen.... I just need some time." I've heard that many, many times. And its never resulted in reconciliation. All shes doing is trying to give you a glimpse of hope to keep you on the hook. People dont not know if thats going to happen or not. She knows, she just also knows that if she tells you straight up youre going to tell her off / not talk to her anymore. Yes, I have been in your shoes and this has happened to me before, multiple times. Your best bet is to move on like she isnt going to come back, and do not contact her at all. There is always a chance she will come back, but I wouldnt count on it. I dont mean to be a buzzkill, but Ive litterally heard these two bolded phrases exactly 4-5 times from different girls.
samspade Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 BCCA is 100% on. I second what he said. He is one of the few posters around here who sees the forest for the trees and won't b.s. you. That said, I know what it's like to be in love, and dumped, and looking for any little variable that might work in my favor. The result is classic irrational thinking...grasping on to the few positive bread crumbs thrown your way while ignoring the overwhelming, obvious negative: She does not want to be with you, romantically. But if you agree to be friends, for her it's a free pass out of guiltville, AND you give her attention, ego-building, etc. All while you're licking your wounds. Cut her off.
BubblyPopcorn Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 From an outside female perspective, here is what I see based on what you wrote. You dated for four months, you kept her “at a distance” due to your job, you holding back emotionally and the possibility that you might not be around in the future. You then go on to say you weren’t giving her attention you believed she “deserved” and you were not a long-term relationship possibility. You said you realized she had strong feelings for you but that she had no idea how you felt about her. So as I see it, she most likely felt neglected and was unsure of your commitment to her and eachother. If you two had been in a relationship for a while and then these issues arose, you would have already established a solid foundation that would have weathered these hardships (i.e. balancing your career, your relationship, etc.) BUT, this occurred during a crucial period, when two people are still getting to know one another and are in the process of building a solid foundation, or at least trying to. Her needing time is because she doesn’t have the capacity to give you a 100% now, back then she could and she did, but back then it was you who couldn’t/didn’t. So like you suggested, focus on yourself and let her work out her own kinks and try to heed advice/views from both perspectives.
Author BigAl2 Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 Maybe Bubbly Popcorn described the situation better than I did in my original post. Look, I understand there are no guarantees. I understand that I blew my best chance. I am not saying this is going to happen. But BCCA and Sam Spade treat this girl as if she is out to play games or just doing things for her ego. My experience with her is that she is truly one of the most honest, caring and straight-forward girls I have ever dealt with. To be clear, I treated her with respect, brought her to nice places and was a gentlemen towards her. I just gave her no indication that I had any intention of being with her beyond these next couple months, or that I would really make her a priority above or equal to my work. The big conversation (after we broke up, the subject of my last post) - she was tearing up, she said she had feelings for me. But I would imagine myself in a girls shoes, listening to someone who had done such a big 180.... and I would want some time too. I would want to see that they weren't just having an emotional reaction to getting dumped, that they were really serious and not just saying what I wanted to hear, and that they really had my bests interests at heart. I can understand reaching the point when I like someone enough that if I wasn't 100% sure about it, I wouldn't want to risk getting my heart broken. I hope I can handle this but.... I have decided to take the advice of several trusted friends who know me, and know the situation. They all say that NC is not the solution here. They said that it needs to be her decision to come back, but that if I am serious about it, I need to facilitate it and not just hope she calls. They say that my lack of attention was the whole problem in the first place, and I need to softly reassure her that I am committed to this (while at the same time giving her space and not pressuring her). So thats it. The plan is to concentrate on making myself a more rounded person, to keep going out and doing things with other friends and to keep her in the loop. And, the real world update: I spoke with her about a week and a half after the talk (I initiated it). It was positive, but nothing major to report. We laughed about a funny video, asked how each other were doing and made plans for coffee/lunch sometime later this week. We will see..... but I am not giving up yet.
BCCA Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 BigAl, I never said she was intentionally or conciously being an evil witch. What I was really trying to tell you is that she doesnt really seem interested in rekindling things with you, and the phrases she uses are things that I've heard before. Look, I dont think everyones ex is a horrible person that you should hate forever. But, your ex is a dangerous person if you dont watch your step because they have a shortcut to your heart, and can hurt you really bad really fast if youre not careful. Thats not to say they would do it because they just want an ego boost or to hurt your feelings, but you have to understand that things arent about you at all anymore. Its all about whats best for them, which unfortunately can be whats worst for you. I dont mean to be a jerk, please know that I only want to help. But also realize that the situation youre in is not very unique or different from that of many other people, right down to the things your ex is saying. If you chose to stay in contact, I will be here if you want my advice, but I think youre making a mistake. Good luck either way.
moonmoon Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 BigAl please update how things have gone, our situations are very similar and I too think that some of the breakup Victims in here have become jaded and complacent not realizing that a break up can be an opportunity to build a firm foundation for the future. I have pursued NC for 11 days although still very unsure if it was the very best route, I do know its better than a very likely route which would have been for me to initiate a conversation in which I end up begging... etc. If your happy because your back on the track to be with her please let us know, if youve lost all hope then please let us know. Sometimes I think the people that salvage the relationships have no need to come back to LS so this site has built up a one-sided experience.
Author BigAl2 Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 somewhere in the middle.... I have not met up with her yet. Business trip (hers) and thanksgiving ran too close together, and I don't want to push anything at all. She is responsive, but not initiating and I think it is time for me to pull back again and let her take the lead. I think her feelings about me are positive enough that she will contact me at some point, even if it isn't with the immediate intent of getting back together. I think the worst thing I (or you) could do is crowd her and try to force the decision (or beg). If she doesn't get back to me, I'll probably go NC through December and then reevaluate. If we do get back together, I don't necessarily think it will be right away. I have things to work on, and as much as I would die to be back with her, I need to take care of those things before I think this can really work. So, I guess I am biding my time as well.... Look: I think doom & gloom is the mood of a lot of people who post on message boards such as this, and I think you are right, that the success stories kind of fade into oblivion. People do get back together in the real world all the time, but everything is at its own pace. Unfortunately, friend, this is something that is largely out of your hands and mine.
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