What is going on here?

[rscrenci]

Hello-

About a year ago, my distant cousin set me up with a man whom I thought was broken up with his long term girlfriend. I am in my early 30's, he is 45. Story, so I am told, is they were dating for 4 years and fighting a lot. They lived about an hour away from each other, both lived with thier mothers. I am still at home with my family.

He called me, we seemed to have many things in common, and he stated the previous relationship was serious, but did not move towards marriage. We began to date. I think he was shocked at my clothing choices, as I am 5 feet tall and weigh under 90 pounds, however I am voluptuous "up top", I accentuate this area. I guess his ex was flat chested. He enjoyed the way I dressed when we were out, but stated I would have to tone it down in front of his mother. We are both Italian, and he is close with his mother. His ex girlfriend did not like this, so I knew I had to play as if it were fine with me.

He showed me off to his friends, and we went to each other's houses. Since I am not allowed to stay over night with a man, he would occaisionally rent hotel rooms for us to "play". We both share old world values, and it is not right to be out all night. This is another item which I believe bothered his ex, however they were not having sex, she just wanted to go away with him.??

In the summer, I started to feel as if he was drifting away, and perhaps in contact with ex. I did not bring it up, as I am very busy with work. Plus I really do not want to know anything about her.

I have behaved the way opposite to his ex, as I knew what he disliked about her from my cousin. I am almost 15 years younger, and quite attractive. He stated the relationship was moving along fine, and we were great together. I would bring up things and places I would like to go, and he would buy the tickets or make the reservations.

Now I think there was something going on in the summer between he and his ex. I actually think I started to date him prior to him breaking up with her. I also believe they were more serious than originally stated.

I started receiving restricted calls on my cell phone in the spring, which he stated I should not answer. Well yesterday I received a call from the area which she lives. The person on the other end hung up just as I picked up. I called back and I heard a female's voice mail. I have a strong suspicion it was the ex girlfriend. Should I call this woman back?

I know this is all over the place, it is my first time on a forum, so I apologize.

I thought we would be engaged by now. Not to brag, but he can NOT do better than me. Plus his mother loves me, which is very important to him. He has stated when he is with me he feels like a man!

I am very confused. What should I do?

Thanks,

RS

[whichwayisup]

Well, I hate to say it, but he isn't and hasn't been honest with you about his ex. Your cousin doesn't know everything, so don't bank on all that info you've received..Maybe he's still intouch with her, seeing her.

 

Talk to him, point blank and ask him if he still is seeing her.

[rscrenci]

WWIU-

I do not want to confront him about anything, as this is one of the reasons he left her. I am usually upfront, however with this guy I have to play differently. I posted here as I do not know what I am. AM I the OW or is she?

Thank you for replying.

RS

[whichwayisup]

I think they never really broke up.

 

I do not want to confront him about anything, as this is one of the reasons he left her.

 

What does this mean? You can't ask him upfront what is going on in your relationship, and tell him how you feel?

[sadintexas]

Something that struck me in your posts is that you are not acting the way you normally would i.e. you are behaving different to be a contrast to the ex gf. You are doing both him and yourself a disservice by doing this. Dating is time to get to know each other. You should be yourself.

 

As far as the rest of it, I would personally try to find out what's going on. But that's me.

[2sure]

He is 45, never married,still living at home with Mom.

 

It sounds possible the old gf started making committment or marriage noises...and he backed off. If she has stopped making those noises, he may date her again. If it appears you may be inclined to expect marriage...he will back off from you as well.

 

He just doesnt want to get married. I understand you are "playing this " differently than you usually might...because you would like to be considered. I bet you are just fine the way you are. Its him, not you.

[rscrenci]

Hi-

He knows I want to get married. I should have worded it better, I will never argue w/him, but I will with everyone else, if need be. His ex was ALWAYS arguing with him. I am myself around him, just tone down the things which he dislike about her. His cousin is married to my relative..I know a lot

 

Do you really think he will back away from marriage from ME? Not to be conceited, he will never find someone as young, great body, sexual appetite, etc. as myself. I even go to his Mom's & do things with her so she will like me. She wants him to get married. I thought we were heading there and then something changed.

Now why is his ex calling me?

[norajane]

Since I am not allowed to stay over night with a man, he would occaisionally rent hotel rooms for us to "play". We both share old world values, and it is not right to be out all night.

 

Does playing mean having sex? Your values are that you can't stay out all night, but you can have sex as long as you don't stay overnight?

 

I'm asking because if you ARE having sex, and he DOES have those old world values, perhaps you are 'damaged goods' according to those old world values, not marriage material.

 

This is another item which I believe bothered his ex, however they were not having sex, she just wanted to go away with him.??

 

How do you know they weren't having sex? Or do you think they were and the stories don't seem to match up?

Now I think there was something going on in the summer between he and his ex. I actually think I started to date him prior to him breaking up with her. I also believe they were more serious than originally stated.

 

What makes you think so?

 

I started receiving restricted calls on my cell phone in the spring, which he stated I should not answer.

 

Why would he tell you not to answer them? Why would you ask him whether you should answer your own phone?

 

Well yesterday I received a call from the area which she lives. The person on the other end hung up just as I picked up. I called back and I heard a female's voice mail. I have a strong suspicion it was the ex girlfriend. Should I call this woman back?

 

Do you know his ex's name? Was it her name on the voice mail? If it's a land line number, looking it up online will tell you who the number belongs to. Check out WhitePages.com.

 

I thought we would be engaged by now. Not to brag, but he can NOT do better than me. Plus his mother loves me, which is very important to him. He has stated when he is with me he feels like a man!

I am very confused. What should I do?

Thanks,

RS

 

So it's been a year and you are concerned that you are not engaged yet. I would suggest asking him if he does want to ever marry, and if he is considering marriage to you.

 

If he's not, you certainly don't need to be waiting for a 45 year old mama's boy to get around to proposing. He might like things exactly the way they are...mama taking care of him, while he gets to date hot young things like yourself.

[Reggie]

Hi-

He knows I want to get married. I should have worded it better, I will never argue w/him, but I will with everyone else, if need be. His ex was ALWAYS arguing with him. I am myself around him, just tone down the things which he dislike about her. His cousin is married to my relative..I know a lot

 

Do you really think he will back away from marriage from ME? Not to be conceited, he will never find someone as young, great body, sexual appetite, etc. as myself. I even go to his Mom's & do things with her so she will like me. She wants him to get married. I thought we were heading there and then something changed.

Now why is his ex calling me?

 

Why would he be unable to do as well as you? Perhaps he feels his current GF has more class, although she deserves better than him.

[whichwayisup]

So basically you will always agree with him, never argue or challenge him because you fear he'll compare you to his girlfriend and figure you're giving him too much grief, then break it off with you?

[DealingWDrama]

Hi-

He knows I want to get married. I should have worded it better, I will never argue w/him, but I will with everyone else, if need be. His ex was ALWAYS arguing with him. I am myself around him, just tone down the things which he dislike about her. His cousin is married to my relative..I know a lot

 

Do you really think he will back away from marriage from ME? Not to be conceited, he will never find someone as young, great body, sexual appetite, etc. as myself. I even go to his Mom's & do things with her so she will like me. She wants him to get married. I thought we were heading there and then something changed.

Now why is his ex calling me?

 

My situation is completely different from yours but I feel the need to shed a little light here for you - you could a model, superstar, millionaire and that would not make him stay faithful to you or marry you. See, I am gorgeous...there have been MANY times throughout my life that strangers have walked up to me and told me how stunning I am, how beautiful I am, ect - that didn't stop my husband from cheating on me with someone 11 years older, heavier, with bad skin and the personality of a toad stool.

 

ALSO his ex is probably calling you to see if you are involved with him because she is probably still involved with him.

[frannie]

Hi-

He knows I want to get married. I should have worded it better, I will never argue w/him, but I will with everyone else, if need be. His ex was ALWAYS arguing with him. I am myself around him, just tone down the things which he dislike about her. His cousin is married to my relative..I know a lot

 

Do you really think he will back away from marriage from ME? Not to be conceited, he will never find someone as young, great body, sexual appetite, etc. as myself. I even go to his Mom's & do things with her so she will like me. She wants him to get married. I thought we were heading there and then something changed.

Now why is his ex calling me?

 

I'm going to pick up on what others are saying. Both in your first post and this one, it screams out: not being who you really are in order to please him (and his mother). That's not great... knotting yourself into pretzels in order that he and his mother will like you and you can get that ring on your finger. When do you get to start being you?

 

Also, I agree with the poster who said that if you're having sex in hotel rooms with him and he has 'old world values' then you're doing yourself a disservice, surely?

 

But your main question: why is his 'ex' calling you? Well, the chances are she's not an ex, or doesn't consider herself one? I think the best thing to do is to call her back and ask her what's going on, she might well appreciate your honesty.

 

Oh... just remembered the thing about him criticising the way you dress. Again, I always hate it when men start dictating to a woman how she should be. If he doesn't like how you dress, that's his problem. Sorry, just a personal peeeeeve