ilovenewyork Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 Hi I would like your opinions please. Is it possible after an affair to re-commit to the marriage and within time and a concerted effort for the wayward spouse to be happy again? I want to end my affair. I want to work on my marriage. But I don't want to spend years thinking 'what if' or questioning my decision, or is that normal? Can a marriage recover or is it doomed? My husband is unaware of my affair. I don't agree with the 'once a cheater always a cheater' theory and am hoping that within time the affair and the MM will become a distant memory. Am I delusional?
anne1707 Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 Hi Is it possible after an affair to re-commit to the marriage and within time and a concerted effort for the wayward spouse to be happy again? Its not just about you being happy - what about your husband? I want to end my affair. I want to work on my marriage. So stop the affair now But I don't want to spend years thinking 'what if' or questioning my decision, or is that normal? Can a marriage recover or is it doomed? My husband is unaware of my affair. You need to be honest with yourself AND your husband. What do you really want? Where do you see yourself in 5, 10, 20 years? You have to admit to your husband that you have had the affair. You have to deal with pain and anger that he will understandably feel. He will be enititled to feel that way and you will have to accept that. If you then both still want to make it work, start MC. But be prepared for a very long road to recovery. If I sound harsh, then it is only with the best of intentions. My H and I are only just starting the recovery from my affair and I would not wish what we are going through on anyone. He has given me another chance - I hope your H can do the same for you. Good luck
mrose2008 Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 Yes marriages can survive an affair...i know several people whose marriages survived an affair
whichwayisup Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 Yes, but it has to start off with honesty. You HAVE to tell your husband the truth so he can decide if he wants to stay married to you. You can't end your A then quietly go back to your husband, try to fall back inlove with him, pretend nothing happened.. You have to change your ways, your thinking patterns, your habits, work through issues within yourself before you can truly try to get back what you're about to lose.. Have you actually ended the A yet? Told the MM goodbye, never to call you again?
grogster Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 Marriages survive affairs all the time. If not, given the high infidelity rates, divorce would be pandemic, which it is not. Infidelity is not a marital death sentence. Experts disagree on disclosure. Some insist that the WS come clean, others not. There's no right or wrong answer. Be practical. If your BS will appreciate disclosure, and coming clean will make you a more faithful spouse and your marital bonds stronger, then disclose. Guys are sensitive, though. On the other hand, if disclosure will wreck your husband's self-confidence, irrevocably break the trust bonds and substantially reduce the likelihood of your marriage surviving, why do it? Your goal is to save your marriage and not stray ever again, as opposed to personal redemption or scoring 100 on an Honesty Test. As with your Affair, the choice is yours. Not ours.
Reggie Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 I've read that marriages survive. But, it is much rarer than many websites promoting their marriage healing services lead you to believe. The objective stuff I've seen says about 30% stay married. I imagine that a fair percentage of those limp along for the duration. I agree that you should disclose if you want a shot at a healthy relationship.
LakesideDream Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 I say be cautious. I was willfully ignorant of my wife's infidelity. I literally did not want it proven to me. I wasn't positive about what my attitude would be and there were two children involved. She wasn't great with the kids, and I was fearful for them. Once the children were adults and out of the house the whole story emerged, very quickly. I didn't respond well to the disclosure. Once I was positive that my now ex wife was emotionally involved with a man and offering her body for penetration by him, I had no interest in her, or the marriage. I was not a "big enough man" to live with the reality that my "at the time" wife enjoyed pleasuring her lover with her mouth, vagina, and anus. Sorry to be so graphic, but the mental images were more than I could overlook. Those mental images were literally sickening to me. My response was to divorce as soon as possible. If you choose to disclose, bare in mind there is a possibility that your mate will never regain his respect for you. Your marriage may survive, for awhile, possibly forever, but it will NEVER be the same IMHO.
dannydrifter Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 Can a marriage recover or is it doomed? My husband is unaware of my affair. I don't agree with the 'once a cheater always a cheater' theory and am hoping that within time the affair and the MM will become a distant memory. Am I delusional? Maybe you want to hear that it won't work, that it will be doomed? I think it's great that you are considering ending the affair. Let's hope your husband will give you a second chance when he finds out about this, and assuming so, I think there is a good chance it will work if you still both love each other. Don't listen to all the naysayers telling you otherwise, I would try to fix my marriage if it holds any value/.importance to you.
dannydrifter Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 Marriages survive affairs all the time. If not, given the high infidelity rates, divorce would be pandemic, which it is not. Infidelity is not a marital death sentence. Experts disagree on disclosure. Some insist that the WS come clean, others not. There's no right or wrong answer. Be practical. If your BS will appreciate disclosure, and coming clean will make you a more faithful spouse and your marital bonds stronger, then disclose. Guys are sensitive, though. On the other hand, if disclosure will wreck your husband's self-confidence, irrevocably break the trust bonds and substantially reduce the likelihood of your marriage surviving, why do it? Your goal is to save your marriage and not stray ever again, as opposed to personal redemption or scoring 100 on an Honesty Test. As with your Affair, the choice is yours. Not ours. This is some of the best advice and post I have ever read. Well said!
Reggie Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 This is some of the best advice and post I have ever read. Well said! I disagree on two fronts. First, unfortunately, most marriages do not survive. Infidelity is the number one cause of divorce, statistically. Not saying it cannot be done, but it is a longshot. Second, I feel your husband has the right to knowabout your affair. He needs to check on his health re STD's.Again, this may seem farfetched, but I have read many stories of BS's contracting a STD of some sort. Also, your husband has the right to make a fully informed decision on whether he wants to stay. As a practical matter, there is a decent likeliehood he will find out somewhere down the road. But, really, hasn't he been lied to enough?
Angel1111 Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 If it were me, I wouldn't want to know about an affair. The emotional distruction is amazingly heartbreaking for a very, very, very long time. Your marriage may last but affairs completely change the dynamics of a relationship and the innocence that was once there is suddenly gone. I think that if you plan to stay in your marriage, then stay in it. If you have feelings for someone else, or if your marriage is so empty that you feel like somethng will always be missing, then end it so that you'll stop wasting your time and his.
Lizzie60 Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 I didn't read the whole thread but to answer your question.. . Of course the marriage can survive especially when the BS has no clue that the WS has cheated..
Dexter Morgan Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Hi I would like your opinions please. Is it possible after an affair to re-commit to the marriage and within time and a concerted effort for the wayward spouse to be happy again? I want to end my affair. I want to work on my marriage. But I don't want to spend years thinking 'what if' or questioning my decision, or is that normal? Can a marriage recover or is it doomed? My husband is unaware of my affair. Oh I'm sure it can survive and recover. But if you think that the BS is truly happy with everything, even if they seem to be on the surface, its not. There will always be some resentment buried deep down. There will never be 100% trust again. On the surface, things may seem fine, but the BS is simply settling in my opinion. I don't agree with the 'once a cheater always a cheater' theory Of course you don't. But by saying you don't want to give your affair if hard work towards rebuilding the marriage doesn't yield the desired results, I'd say you proved that theory correct. Either you are committed to the marriage working, or you are not. Its not easy, and you shouldn't expect to just slide by with all of this. if you are not willing to try, regardless of the results in the future, then you need to divorce your husband, set him free, and be with a man that isn't above sleeping with someone elses wife and cheat on his own.
jwi71 Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 As you have been repeatedly told...end the A, go NC. You cannot do that because of your circumstances. The only way to end this A is to go to MC and tell your H. There is no other way. The real question is: how long do you want to go through this little dance until you up and tell him? You must tell him else your M is still built upon lies and deceit. You will be forced to live your days wondering if you will get caught. Go to MC and confess. Maybe you survive, maybe you don't - but you have to live with the consequences of your choices.
Owl Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 I'm going to disagree with some of the posters here... There is no garauntee that your BS will harbor resentment forever against you for having an affair... My wife's affair occurred 4 years ago. Our marriage is recovered. The affair isn't something I think about often AT ALL...other than occasionally when I respond to a post here. I don't resent my wife, or feel much of anything about that time anymore...BECAUSE we are well recovered. It happened...we learned from it...there you go. You CAN have a happy marriage afterwards...if you take the effort, the time, and the WORK to properly recover your marriage from the damage it suffers as a result of the affair.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 I'm going to disagree with some of the posters here... There is no garauntee that your BS will harbor resentment forever against you for having an affair... My wife's affair occurred 4 years ago. Our marriage is recovered. The affair isn't something I think about often AT ALL...other than occasionally when I respond to a post here. Thats my point though, you do think about it. And I like ya Owl, but you can't tell me that you completely and 100% trust your wife can you? If you can, kudos to you. but I just don't believe that anyone can trust 100% again. Maybe a great level can be gained back, but not to 100%.
Owl Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 I don't completely, 100% trust ANYONE. But I take your point...that "blind faith" that we all have that our marriage, our relationship is somehow "special", and therefore immune to cheating and such. And now I know better. BUT...SOMETHING TO CONSIDER... That doesn't just apply to THIS relationship. If my wife and I were to divorce today, and I were to find someone else and even eventually remarry...I STILL wouldn't have that "blind faith" that our relationship was 100% foolproof. Its not tied to my wife...its tied to my 'opened eyes' and changed perspective of having learned through the experiences I've been through. Will the BS ever be the same after the affair...honestly, probably not. BUT...does that mean that they're going to harbor anger/resentment/pain for the rest of their lives? No. Not if they do things right. I don't...and THAT is the point I'm trying to make for the OP. See the distinction?
Reggie Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Like I said, it is possible, but rare. Owl seems to have done okay with it. I don't think I could have remained in my marriage, had I been given the option.
jwi71 Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 In fact, should OWL up and divorce his W - I would argue he faces an increased chance of another betrayal. The WS, if truly repentant, understands the wrong and the hurt caused. And because of this (and the desire to say in the M) the WS is less likely to cheat again, say even 49-51 percent. A new woman has no such investment. Her chance of cheating is 50-50. I actually had the same thoughts during the "dark days" about never trusting again and the like. Anyways, that was part of my analysis. OK, enough TJ - OP, get yourself to MC, confess and see what your BH wants....
Mr. Lucky Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 I don't agree with the 'once a cheater always a cheater' theory and am hoping that within time the affair and the MM will become a distant memory. I think it's interesting that you hope that "time" will accomplish what you cannot by restoring some integrity and honesty to your marriage. Can a marriage survive and prosper after an affair? Sure, some obviously do. Will yours? No. Not unless you take responsibility for what you've done. Otherwise, you'll just be waiting for either your H to find out or for the next affair to happen... Mr. Lucky
fingersniffer Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 the trust issue comes up over and over again doesnt it? Can a relationship survive with no trust in it? can that trust be regained? that your H doesnt know about your affair ILOVENY, is a good thing is that he cant not trust you. But you have done something, you have commited more than a moral crime, you have devalued what he thinks of you, you have devalued his love for you, and that is possibly unrepairable. When you find out that your wife has had an affair, that despite anything she has said about the physical side not mattering, that she only doesnt know why she screwed him, then you find out that it was exciting (Oh I'm no fool to thinking any other way), knowing that all this time, and all her saying that she thinks nothing of him, that then she tells a friend that she does think of him, not necessarily missing him, but with fond memories of the relationship. Then I heard from a mutual friend that shes been doling out mariage advise to a friend, and her advice consists of how I am this and I am that, and she's like a princess of purity in all this. So can this survive? I dont know. Its like the horribel times cannot and willnot stop, and that my low points get lower and lower all the time.
heavenlytomorrow Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Yes, I beleive it can. I had an affair last year, my h found out. He has been wonderful in trying to forgive me and I'm ashamed to say he's worked even harder at it than I have. It has taken me all this time to try and 'get over' my ex lover and that has been the hard part for me- as mentioned in my recent post. Good luck and remain possitive!
Blue Eyed Brain Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 A good foundation (Marriage) can withstand anything it's participants want it to... it's all up to the two people involved.
Steve L Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 It will not recover. the offended party will hurt forever. All the counseling and work in the world will not change the fact that you did what you did for whatever reason. Your choice, end the affair and never tell a soul. Or tell him today, you will struggle for a year or so then you will file for divorce. If you do not file for divorce, you can join the ranks of the millions of other harlots that hear about the affair every day for the rest of your life or every time he gets upset with you. Tell Him, Let him go.
travelgirl Posted November 19, 2008 Posted November 19, 2008 A good foundation (Marriage) can withstand anything it's participants want it to... it's all up to the two people involved. Wow, that is the best quote - can I use that in my signature? I think relationships and marriages can get over infidelity if there was failure in the marriage prior to, that both parties realized either before or after the A happened. If the BS honestly thought the marriage was perfect while the WS obviously did not and broke their vowels, I think that is a lot to take in. My therapist asked me once, that while during our downfall prior to my H's EA if I would have likened attention and flirtation by someone else. I wasn't 100% I could say no because our marriage had endured miscarriages, my mother's death and other problems that I pulled out emotionally and I probably would have craved the attention too. I am NOT condoning it in any way but I understand where my therapist was coming from. No marriage is perfect and I am getting thru this and my husband and I are communicating more now then ever. How many marriages have infidelities that NEVER come out and those poor couples continue to think they have a great marriage when it really isn't? I rather it be exposed and take my chances on either working thru it to improve our marriage or leave and move on with someone else. I agree with what Owl says, even if you divorce and go elsewhere you will never 100% trust someone ever again. I am not saying everyone should stick it out but if there were underlying problems and both spouse WANT to work on them and come back together, good for them. Like the above poster said, it is ONLY up to the 2 people involved in THEIR marriage. Outside communication and opinions just blur the true situation.
Recommended Posts