gregvs43 Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 This is quite complicated, so please stick with me! My ex and I were together for about a year. We live 6,000 miles apart, but because of my job I was able to see her every week for two or three days. Then on New Years Eve last year we got engaged. I flew out to see her for 24 hours and popped the question, she said yes and I flew home. In April she decided to move across the world to come and live with me. At that time I was in a huge transitional period in my life, changing jobs and moving home. I was doing a lot of training for my new job which meant a lot of travelling. I told her that I'd love to have her move over to my country, but that it would be far from perfect, that we'd have little money for a while and that we would constantly be moving around for three or four months. She said that was fine, that she loved me and couldn't wait to be with me. So, in May she moved over, and for six or seven weeks it was great. But then being with each other 24/7 took it's toll. She had no friends in my country and didn't really make much of an effort to get to know anyone, she didn't even make that much of an effort with my buddies. I was the centre of her life and that was it. She said that ideally she wanted to move somewhere where we both knew no one so that we could be together and build our life together. After three months we had begun to argue a lot, then one day we had a huge fight. Basically I had been doing exams all week and hadn't been around, leaving her alone at my Mum's house. The weekend before that I'd gone to a party without her. Over the course of the three months I'd gone out with my three best friends three times without her. She complained a lot. So on the night we had the big fight I invited her out with us. She made no effort, and just sat in the corner looking miserable. When one of my friends asked her what the matter was she just said 'this sucks'. It made the whole night very uncomfortable and everyone ended up leabig half an hour later. On the walk home I confronted her about it, I said I was annoyed that she complained about me seeing my friends without her and then when she did come along she made no effort. It turned into a huge fight which ended up with me yelling 'well f**k off home then', within seconds she was on the phone to her Mom in tears and had a flight booked to go home two days later. I didn't mean it, I was just angry. For the rest of that weekend she was either at my throat or snuggled up with me on the sofa saying how much she still loved me. On the Monday she flew home I took her to the airport. I cried, a lot. She did her best not to. She promised me she was coming back, we still had the wedding booked, she still wore the ring, and she still loved me. When she got home she said she needed time, I tried to give it to her, but maybe I was a bit clingy. My life feel apart when she left, I found myself doing everything in autopilot, without putting any thought or effort in. For three weeks we talked, everything was ok, it wasn't great but it was ok, we still were making arrangements for the wedding and talking about kids etc. Then on our last real conversation she said she loved me but she was tired could I call her back in the morning. I said sure, but when I tried to call back the following day I got no answer, in fact I got no answer for three days. I was very worried about her, I sent her a lot of messages asking if she was ok. Then on the third day I finally got an answer she said 'Can't you get the message I don't want to f**king talk to you'. Suddenly it all fell apart. From then on she refused to engage with me. Three weeks later I found out she had just started a relationship with another guy, it crushed me. We'd only been apart for four weeks. Things weren't good between us, but they weren't bad either, we weren't split up, we were just taking some space. I did totally the wrong thing, I begged and pleaded with her and as a result I pushed her further away. All of her Facebook and MySpace status' were aimed at humiliating me. I send her a very personal video telling her how much I loved her and I was sorry if I had marginalised her while she was living with me, she published it on the internet! (I've deleted it since!). She then claimed that the engagement ring I'd bought her was fake, it wasn't!! Finally after a lot of hurt, I broke off all comunication. I'd always said to her that if we split up I'd want to make sure she was ok financially. She'd given up a lot to be with me and moved half way across the world for me. So I decided to send her a check for $2,000 and I sent her a message explaining why. She was a little cold in her email and harsh claiming that I owed her the money (I honestly did not!). I sent the check nonetheless. Then just before she cashed it she sent me three emails randomly abusing my mother who is ill in the most disgusting way that she knew would desperately hurt me. On receiving the third of these emails I replied saying that I was sorry but I felt I had no other option to cancel the check. In that same third email that I received she informed me that she was pregnant with her new boyfriend and that it was definitely not mine. She thanked me for being a jerk saying that if I hadn't have been so awful to her she'd never have met her new man. I honestly was always so good to her. By my calculations she must have got pregnant with this guy within the first couple of weeks they were together. I know for a fact she wasn't cheating on me, she isn't the sort to do that. It all coincides with when her attitude towards me changed. I still love her so much. Well, I love who she was not who she is now. Her MySpace status is still often directed towards me, although I don't check it anymore and I've deleted her from my friends lists to stop getting hurt any further. I worry about her a lot. She is 25, but she isn't ready for kids, we'd always said we'd wait another two or three years. Now she is pregnant with a guy who was probably a rebound. They are still together, it's been about 4 months since we split up and 3 months since they got together. I love her to the extent that I'd take the kid on too. But I don't know what to do. I haven't been in contact for over a month. She used to adore me, everyone always commented on how much she seemed to love me. That disappeared in three short weeks and now she hates. How can I change it, how can I get her back? I've dated three or four other women since, I got into a relationship with one, but after six weeks I had to break it off because I'm still in love with my ex fiancee. My ex has refused to return the engagement ring and has never uttered a word of apology. I realise that it was hard for her over here being so far away from home, but ironically since she left everything I promised her has fallen into place. Please help! EDIT: I should probably add that it didn't help that immediately after we split up a lot of my female friends emailed my ex telling her how foolish she was being and that she was throwing away a great relationship with a great guy who really wanted to make her happy. Unsuprisingly she didn't react well to this.
Crazy.S Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 I am sorry this is happening to you. This is a very awful and complicated situation. Are you really sure she is pregnant? I am not trying to give you any false hope or anything, but maybe she is trying to get back at you. But I can be wrong. Nonetheless your relationship has gone to a point where there is almost no turning back. I know it is hard to be forced to give up someone you love, but I think you have to move on. It didn't work when she came to your country, so we know it wasn't going to work at all. Also don't jump into rebound relationships, it does not help and you end up hurting someone else in the process. If you can afford to cut your loss with the ring, then do so and just give it to her. Again I am very sorry to hear that this is happening. I know it sucks. Take care
Author gregvs43 Posted November 9, 2008 Author Posted November 9, 2008 I had often wondered if she had made up the fact that she was pregnant just to hurt me. But I keep wondering, why would she want to hurt me at all? Except for two occassions when I have been driven to the limit and said that I thought her behaviour was unfair, I have been nothing but good and gracious to her. I keep looking for hope and I can't find it. I try to move on, and generally I'm doing alright, my life is exactly as I had always hoped it would be, I now have my dream job, dream house and dream car, I just don't have my girl, and I'd give it all up in a heartbeat to have her back. I can't understand any of it and I've never had any explaination.
Crazy.S Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 I understand how frustrating it can be. Like you I have been trying to explain why my ex broke up with me, but I will never know exactly why. All I know was that she was not happy. Maybe your ideal life is not exactly how she pictured it. She did give up everything to be with you. Maybe she expected more attention from you, I know you gave her what you could, but sometimes it is not enough.
norajane Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 I still love her so much. Well, I love who she was not who she is now. Exactly. She is no longer the girl you fell in love with. She's a different person now. Now, she's mean to you, and abusive, and doesn't want to have anything to do with you, except take your money. You can't change her back into the person you loved. I love her to the extent that I'd take the kid on too. She's not asking you to. Her baby has a daddy whom she is dating, so it's not even appropriate for you to be thinking this way. I know it's hard, but it's time to move on. You don't have to date since you are clearly not ready and there's no room in your heart for anyone else while she's still front and center and taking up a lot of space there. But, you do have to accept this relationship is over and NEVER think about trying to get her back. You can't. The HER you want is not who she is now.
WiseOne1 Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 Yea shes not the same girl anymore, shes totally changed, and lets say if she is pregnant' things can never be the same again. Her financial problems and all of her emotional problems now belongs to her "baby's daddy" not even bf "BABY'S DADDY". Nothing can ever be the same, even if her and him was to break up the child would always be there to remind you of how she treated you, and you every single time you look at the child your gonna be reminded of it. Who knows rather she did it on purpose or not, me I think she was upset and decided to sleep with another guy and didn't think nothing of it....then she got pregnant by mistake, so therefore she has messed up. Deep down inside she probably just needed sometime to think and sort things out, which I believe, but during that time she made a fatal mistake and think about it like this if she hadn't got pregnant she probably would have never told you she slept with another guy during the breakup, because really there wouldn't have been a reason to tell you. Basically know theres no turning back, think about it, I don't know about you but you probably have dreams of starting your own family one day, isn't that what you and her was suppose to do when you got married? Well now shes messed up the dream, and the best you can do is move on.
dead-dyke Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 To hell w/ it. I'm staying single from now on.
Author gregvs43 Posted November 9, 2008 Author Posted November 9, 2008 Well, I just found out tonight that she has just got engaged to this new guy, after a grand total of ten and a half weeks. She's boasting to her friends that he has bought her a car and a REAL diamond ring (which is an obvious dig at me and her lies!). I just don't get it, she's a world away from the girl I loved. But on that note I have also realised that I'm not heartbroken over breaking up with this girl, I'm grieving for the beautiful women I was engaged to, it would sadly appear that she has long since departed.
Author gregvs43 Posted November 9, 2008 Author Posted November 9, 2008 She's not asking you to. Her baby has a daddy whom she is dating, so it's not even appropriate for you to be thinking this way. This is part of the problem, over the past few weeks I've been doing the math and there is a small possibility the kid could be mine, it's only a very small chance, but it's a possibility nonetheless. She insists it's his and refuses to get a test to find out, but hell, if it were my kid it would kill me to have another guy bringing it up.
justaman99 Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 I still love her so much. Well, I love who she was not who she is now. You never really knew her but now you know her. She's vindictive and angry, can't deal with her emotions well at all and has no self control when she's hurt or in conflict. Her best defense is an offensive attack against you, to make you feel pain and hurt. You did everything you could for her and she did nothing for herself. You fell in love with someone that didn't exist, never really spent real life time together until she moved here. In that period you began to discover the real her. The pregnant other guy thing is 90% likely to be a bunch of bull****. What better way to get you heated than to say this? Consider yourself lucky. Imagine 5 years down the road when you're in your routine, maybe have a couple kids and she isn't happy about who knows what. Instead of dealing with it together and in a loving and positive way she'll do whatever she can to hurt you. What then? Imagine.... Hell would a cometh buddy and you just avoided it. -Just
Author gregvs43 Posted November 9, 2008 Author Posted November 9, 2008 You never really knew her but now you know her. She's vindictive and angry, can't deal with her emotions well at all and has no self control when she's hurt or in conflict. Her best defense is an offensive attack against you, to make you feel pain and hurt. You did everything you could for her and she did nothing for herself. You fell in love with someone that didn't exist, never really spent real life time together until she moved here. In that period you began to discover the real her. The pregnant other guy thing is 90% likely to be a bunch of bull****. What better way to get you heated than to say this? Consider yourself lucky. Imagine 5 years down the road when you're in your routine, maybe have a couple kids and she isn't happy about who knows what. Instead of dealing with it together and in a loving and positive way she'll do whatever she can to hurt you. What then? Imagine.... Hell would a cometh buddy and you just avoided it. -Just You have just made my night! Thanks buddy, awesome words!!!
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