HatchNsoL Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 Hey guys, I've been googling around to try to find someone who has 'symptoms' like me; or an article on emotion attachment; and I hope this is the place. Let me preface with a bit about me: I'm a 19 year old male. I've always tried to lead a 'good life'. I've never drank or smoked, and I was waiting for the right girl for sex. I'm not sure if it's my parents that rubbed off on me or what; I'm a Christian, but by no means do I have a strong faith that would have terribly influenced my decisions. Ever since I can remember I've been the oddball, I was picked on in gradeschool, I used to instigate trouble, go against the flow. I guess I had a need for attention, or as someone once said 'paint a target on myself'. So I guess this explains this emotional attachment issue I think I must have. When I get 'into something', be it a group of friends, a good time somewhere, a tv or radio program; I never want it to end, and I am deeply dissapointed when it does. Maybe that's normal human behavior. But I am still a little dissapointed I didn't listen to my favorite show "Love Line" more often as a kid (as now Adam Carolla no longer hosts it). Please forgive my very long story. I've been meaning to get this out for a long long time, I am crying now trying this. I volunteered to help at a church-sponsored vacation bible school for kids a year to a year and a half ago. There I met this girl. She was nothing special to me. I really wasn't attracted to her at all. In fact, out of the two of the girls, I would have been more into her friend if I had to pick one. I talked to this girl a few times, thought nothing of it, saw nothing in her; and when the camp ended, didn't speak with her again. Flash forward a few months. I'm working at Best Buy and this girl walks in. Bored out of my skull, I say hey to her; we talk a bit, and she gives me her email address. I put it in my wallet, but never make a point to contact her. Like I said, I just wasn't into her. Not that I was being rude, but I guess I just didn't make it a point to pursue her. Another couple of weeks or months go by, I don't remember. But something in the universe, nature, my mind; something makes me send her an email. I got a reply back not too long after about how she was glad I emailed her. She said she needed speakers install in her car, and remembered I worked at Best Buy. When she came back from college for the summer. We hung out as friends. I don't remember the details exactly, I wish I don't just float through life like I do; so I could remember things like this. Sometimes I feel like Neo felt in the Matrix, if that's not to corny. He felt like he wasn't fully awake. But I digress, we hung out a few times, and one day we went to the park. It hit me, I was into her a bit; there was sexual tension. I installed her car speakers, and I don't know when or how it happend, but we started dating. At first I didn't think much of it. I had never really been in a serious relationship before and didn't get out much my whole life. Slowly I started falling for this girl harder and harder. I'd spend every moment I could at her house. We'd watch shows on TV like 'next' and old nick shows like 'legends of the hidden temple'. I'd sleep in all day, wake up for work (I work second shift), and spend the whole night at her house. I was never really sexual with her. It was the last thing I ever thought about doing. It didn't even cross my mind. I'm not sure why. I'm a guy. I have a penis. I should have been thinking about sex, but for some reason I didn't. At some point one night I wound up on top of her. We had just been kissing pretty crazy (neither of us knew what we were doing really), and I started to grind up on her. We both liked that. We did that for a few nights and got more and more sexual. Then, at some point I guess we both new sex was probably going to happen soon. She had told me she was a virgin. To this day I'm not sure if I believe it entirely. She didn't know what she was doing, but she knew how to put a condom on properly. Maybe she said it just to make me feel better. I don't know. I was so unsure about losing my virginity. I asked my friends on my favorite forum. How lame I must be huh?, but they were the only real 'friends' I had/have. We all came to the consensus that she was probably a good girl to lose it with. We had sex. The first night was awkward, I wanted to do it so bad; but didn't want to at the same time. The second night, we actually did it. Her parents were asleep upstairs we snuck down into the basement. I was so excited. I lasted probably all of 2 minutes. We had sex a few more times after that. I still never had any clue what I was doing. And then around my 18th birthday, the end of August/September of that year, she was going back to college. That week was a blur, I don't remember much. I remember I had her over and played guitar for her once. I remember the day she packed; and I remember trying not to think about how it was going to be without her. I think she even brought it up, about how hard it was going to be, and I think I told her I didn't want to think about it. She left. I remember she drove to my house before she went. I cried. I couldn't help it. She was gone. We kept in contact as much as possible, but it was clear her busy schedule would take a priority. I'd send her messages and get worried about not hearing a reply. I remember one specific message she sent back urging me not to worry, and saying how she knew a good thing when she saw one. I had talked about visiting a few times, and finally decided to do it. My parents were surprisingly cool about it. I made the trip. 9 hours up there. I arrived at 2am late, because of horrible traffic and a 'friend' standing me up to making it. I was so happy to see her! I wanted to hug her forever. She seemed to only want to hug me for a few seconds; I dismissed this, it was 2 am, I was sure she was tired. The whole weekend was weird. I knew something was wrong. She didn't want to touch me. We slept in the same bed but didn't snuggle or have sex. She seemed annoyed by me. I was always afraid I loved her more than she loved me, I told her that once, it was probably stupid to say. But anyway, She wanted to lay in the sun on a couch. She didn't want to lay with me. I pulled another over to her, just so I can be with her. But she didn't want to snuggle or anything. I could tell something was very wrong. I made the trip home after two nights there. The next day or two we talked on the phone, and I brought it up. I was crying the day or two I got back; I knew something was wrong. And I guess I'm just a pussy of a guy. On the phone, she said the distance wouldn't work. I reacted angrily, I said someone along the lines of 'fine or whatever'. She said 'what? thats it?' or something like that. Part of me wished I would have handled that differently and it would have turned out different; but that could be a false twinkle of what-if hope. We talked online a few times after that, and I think the phone. But slowly we grew farther apart. The relationship lasted all of 3-4 months tops. To me, it was the perfect carefree summer. She came back once maybe 4-5 months ago. We hung out for a few hours. But we stopped talking. Thinking about her, she was a year older than me, and I guess a lot more mature. She taught me a lot about myself and growing up. I really respected her and looked up to her. I valued her almost above myself. I was still at the point of not wanting to grow up and joking about everything. When I saw her busting her ass at becoming an engineer and managing a stressful basketball schedule, it made me look up to her so much more. I can only imagine what a loser I was in her eyes. I wish she could see the more mature me now. I called her on her birthday mid-august a few months ago. I left her a voicemail, she didn't answer or return my call. She didn't call me on mine a week or two after. I went to the park where I first fell for her that night at 3 or 4am and just sat there and balled my eyes out. We'd been broken up for a whole year at this point. A month ago, it happend. Her facebook status changed from single to dating some guy. I really should be happy for her. I want the best for her. But deep down it still, to this day bugs me. I still can't help looking at her pictures sometimes and remembering the good times we have together. Sometimes when I have a ****ty day, she'll slip into my thoughts and push me over into tears. I miss her. It's been a year and a few months now. I can't help it. What is wrong with me? We only dated for a few months. Surely I should be over this by now. How f**cked up I am.. There's another girl in my life right now. A girl I met and wasn't really into at first, but I hoped it would be another situation like my ex. I wound up being pretty sexual with this girl. But I just don't have feelings for her. I don't know how to let her down easy. I don't wish to hurt her. But the feelings never came, and I'll just look like every other dickhead guy; using her for sexual purposes when that's really not the case. I just never felt the passion when we were fooling around. I just don't think she's for me, but she's already dropped the L-word. I still miss my ex. I compare every girl to her. Why can't I get over her? What is wrong with me? Do I have some sort of emotional attachment problem? Am I physcotic? I feel so alone so often now. I walk alone at night and just wonder and hope that there is someone out there that feels like I do right now. Does anyone feel like me?
JooLee Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 of course, im sure there are a lot of people who feels this way too. she left a huge impact on you and she meant more to you than she feels about you.. we all go through moments thinkin and wonderin about the person who left us. you know yourself that this girl you are dating is not for you, why are you stringing her along then? havent you wondered that maybe what you are doing to this girl is exactly what your ex did to you? its not fair isnt it? you dont feel the same way about her, tell her. its only fair to her and yourself. one year is a pretty long time, but maybe you're still holding on to what that was, instead of what you have now.. its time to let go. unless you let it go and learn to be happy by yourself, it will always haunt you. or perharps its just the loneliness getting to you. like you said, this girl you're dating is not the one, so it eats you that she's not fulfilling what you need. or maybe you are just closing your walls on this girl because you are afraid of getting hurt again. at the same time, there is always the issue of meeting the person that moves your world. perharps its best you take time for yourself and wait for time and fate to bring you the girl that will make your heart skip. you will meet someone better than you're ex and you will love her more than ever. it just needs time.
BikerBeagle Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 I'm 42yrs old and have never forgotten my first love. It just doesn't happen. Obviously, you realize that you can never go back, so what's your choice? ...move forward. It's really that simple. Someday, you will look back on this moment and laugh your ass off.
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