lobster Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 Hi Everyone, I am new to this site and really need help. My husband and I just got married 3 months ago, but we are fighting so much. We have been dating long distance for 6 years and are finally living together in the same state. I'm 26 and he is 29. Lately after being married, we have been arguing all the time. What our biggest issue is where to live. Currently we are in AZ. We met in AZ, his whole entire family lives here and my family used to live here but they have all moved away. When we first met, he said he wanted to live in AZ his whole life. I was young at the time, about 19, naive and wanted to make him happy so I said that it was ok. He went to dental school in CO and I went to dental school in MD. After going away to school, I felt like my eyes were open and didn't want to move to AZ to start our life. I kept telling him that, but he said that he still wanted AZ and that we would make it work. Well, to make a long story short, after we got married, we moved to AZ. It has been 3 months and I'm the most depressed I've ever been. I'm a very happy and outgoing person, but being here maked me so depressed and have no desire to go out or talk to people. I feel like I have "been there, done that" here in AZ. I lived here for over 8 years now. I'm so depressed, I cry all the time and have so much anxiety, I can't eat at all because my muscles are so tense I can't swallow food. My husband can see that I'm depressed and says that I don't make an effort and give him and AZ a chance. I say that I have already given AZ a chance, I have experienced it for 8 years. He says I won't give him a chance. Plus he says he doesn't want to move away from his family of 5 brothers and parents. I'm also sad because I am away from MY family . I'm a city girl and can't stand being here in the suburbs. I feel like he isn't even being compromising and seeing how hurt, sad, and depressed I am. The main reason for AZ was his job, but now he is quitting that job. He is not budging and and thinks that if we move, it is my way and he won't get his way. He thinks I'm taking him away from his family. I feel hurt bc I never was involved in making the decision of where we are going to live. I feel like he just told me where to live. I feel like an accessory in his life. He didn't have to change a thing. I was in MD and had to graduate, leave my friends, move to him and find a job. I feel like I did all the changing. Is there a way to compromise? We are both dentists so we don't have jobs that allow us to live in places for a few years and then can pick up and move another few years. We are going to have to eventually open a practice and build patients. How do we compromise and get through this major issue? Any help please. We are at our breaking point. Thank you!
lovestruck818 Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 Hi Everyone, I am new to this site and really need help. My husband and I just got married 3 months ago, but we are fighting so much. We have been dating long distance for 6 years and are finally living together in the same state. I'm 26 and he is 29. Lately after being married, we have been arguing all the time. What our biggest issue is where to live. Currently we are in AZ. We met in AZ, his whole entire family lives here and my family used to live here but they have all moved away. When we first met, he said he wanted to live in AZ his whole life. I was young at the time, about 19, naive and wanted to make him happy so I said that it was ok. He went to dental school in CO and I went to dental school in MD. After going away to school, I felt like my eyes were open and didn't want to move to AZ to start our life. I kept telling him that, but he said that he still wanted AZ and that we would make it work. Well, to make a long story short, after we got married, we moved to AZ. It has been 3 months and I'm the most depressed I've ever been. I'm a very happy and outgoing person, but being here maked me so depressed and have no desire to go out or talk to people. I feel like I have "been there, done that" here in AZ. I lived here for over 8 years now. I'm so depressed, I cry all the time and have so much anxiety, I can't eat at all because my muscles are so tense I can't swallow food. My husband can see that I'm depressed and says that I don't make an effort and give him and AZ a chance. I say that I have already given AZ a chance, I have experienced it for 8 years. He says I won't give him a chance. Plus he says he doesn't want to move away from his family of 5 brothers and parents. I'm also sad because I am away from MY family . I'm a city girl and can't stand being here in the suburbs. I feel like he isn't even being compromising and seeing how hurt, sad, and depressed I am. The main reason for AZ was his job, but now he is quitting that job. He is not budging and and thinks that if we move, it is my way and he won't get his way. He thinks I'm taking him away from his family. I feel hurt bc I never was involved in making the decision of where we are going to live. I feel like he just told me where to live. I feel like an accessory in his life. He didn't have to change a thing. I was in MD and had to graduate, leave my friends, move to him and find a job. I feel like I did all the changing. Is there a way to compromise? We are both dentists so we don't have jobs that allow us to live in places for a few years and then can pick up and move another few years. We are going to have to eventually open a practice and build patients. How do we compromise and get through this major issue? Any help please. We are at our breaking point. Thank you! New York City= greatest city in the world...most likely in the galaxy.
Sunshine11 Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 I totally identify with you: my boyfriend and I are med students, though not long distance. I want to practice rural medicine, and he wants to be in a big city. I have a feeling we will likely try to match together, and I might end up supporting him trying to get into his first choice program. But if he doesn't, I think we'll end up compromising on the city we are currently going to school in--it's where he's from, it's not that big a city, even though it's a major city, and I do like it here. My advice to you would be couples' counseling. Even just one or a few sessions to get the ball rolling. It sounds like your husband isn't hearing you when you tell him how terrible things are for you. And it sounds like he may have had the conception, based on when you were much younger, that being with you meant staying near his family. Best of luck--I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Curmudgeon Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 Hi Everyone, I am new to this site and really need help. My husband and I just got married 3 months ago, but we are fighting so much. We have been dating long distance for 6 years and are finally living together in the same state. I'm 26 and he is 29. Lately after being married, we have been arguing all the time. What our biggest issue is where to live. Currently we are in AZ. We met in AZ, his whole entire family lives here and my family used to live here but they have all moved away. When we first met, he said he wanted to live in AZ his whole life. I was young at the time, about 19, naive and wanted to make him happy so I said that it was ok. He went to dental school in CO and I went to dental school in MD. After going away to school, I felt like my eyes were open and didn't want to move to AZ to start our life. I kept telling him that, but he said that he still wanted AZ and that we would make it work. Well, to make a long story short, after we got married, we moved to AZ. It has been 3 months and I'm the most depressed I've ever been. I'm a very happy and outgoing person, but being here maked me so depressed and have no desire to go out or talk to people. I feel like I have "been there, done that" here in AZ. I lived here for over 8 years now. I'm so depressed, I cry all the time and have so much anxiety, I can't eat at all because my muscles are so tense I can't swallow food. My husband can see that I'm depressed and says that I don't make an effort and give him and AZ a chance. I say that I have already given AZ a chance, I have experienced it for 8 years. He says I won't give him a chance. Plus he says he doesn't want to move away from his family of 5 brothers and parents. I'm also sad because I am away from MY family . I'm a city girl and can't stand being here in the suburbs. I feel like he isn't even being compromising and seeing how hurt, sad, and depressed I am. The main reason for AZ was his job, but now he is quitting that job. He is not budging and and thinks that if we move, it is my way and he won't get his way. He thinks I'm taking him away from his family. I feel hurt bc I never was involved in making the decision of where we are going to live. I feel like he just told me where to live. I feel like an accessory in his life. He didn't have to change a thing. I was in MD and had to graduate, leave my friends, move to him and find a job. I feel like I did all the changing. Is there a way to compromise? We are both dentists so we don't have jobs that allow us to live in places for a few years and then can pick up and move another few years. We are going to have to eventually open a practice and build patients. How do we compromise and get through this major issue? Any help please. We are at our breaking point. Thank you! This is going to sound simplistic, and it is, but BOTH of you need to start putting your relationship and your marriage first. What that usually results in is compromise, sometimes agreeing to disagree without rancor and hurt feelings, and setting aside some of your desires to benefit the greater good which is the marriage. It seems to me that he is more loyal to Arizona and his family than to you and you're more concerned about real estate and location than about him. You would be hard-pressed to find two more opposite people than my wife and me -- Vietnam veteran and former state narcotics agent marries original 60s-70s (yeah, we're "old") bra-burning feminist and former happy-smoking hippie midwife. But we make it work because *we* as a couple are more important to each of us than either of us is to ourselves. It's worked for 12 years and in a month I retire and we are moving 2,000 miles to a "neutral" state neither of us has ever lived in before. We have done a lot of research and look upon it as a grand adventure!
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