4givrnt4gtr Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 So, i know ive seen like a million threads about NC...how its the miracle cure to get over your ex... But..how exactly does it work? I mean...im not sure if it might help my case, as the person im grieving is not exactly my ex. Actually, I have no desire to contact my ex whatsoever...in fact, im quite glad its over, but unfortunately that relationship costed me my close friend. In any case, would NC help me out in that case? As in, bassically i told my best guy friend i couldnt talk to him bc i wasnt comfortable with him anymore (long story short, during a break from my R he and I hooked up, then I got back with my bf, told my bf what happened and then felt guilty every time i talked to my friend). Ofcourse he was livid...upset and outraged I would give us up for a relationship that truth be told, was never going to work out. Anyhow, two weeks after that I realized I couldnt just get rid of the people I love in my life for someone who could care less about me. I broke it off with my bf and tried contacting my friend. I apologized, told him i regreted every word I said...but he wont budge. Ive texted him, called him...everything short of smoke signals. Last thing he said to me was that he didnt hate me but he didnt know if he could be my friend again. After that...all calls and texts have gone unanswered. So my question is...should I have no contact with him? stop calling him? texting him? bassically begging him to forgive me for being an idiot? On top of all that, I realized I may have more than just friend feelings for him...just, you know, cuz it couldnt get any more messy. So whats the deal? is NC supposed to help me get over him? giveh im space? or, in this case, should i not abide by NC and keep trying to see how sorry i am???
EmperorR Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 It helps you heal, see things clearer, work on yourself.
CaliGuy Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 NC simply separates you from them so you can empower yourself. The more you contact them, the more you give your personal power back to your ex. Pining over them, constantly calling/contacting them isn't going to bring them back. In fact, the only thing it's guaranteed to do is push them away further. All NC really does is wean you off your ex as quickly as possible. The longer you stay in contact with your ex, the longer it takes to heal. It's really that simple. It doesn't bring them back. If they want to come back, they will do that on their own. It may make them miss you and they may attempt to contact you but unless they are saying "I love you, I really screwed up and I want you back!!!" then all they are doing is tossing you breadcrumbs. They don't want you, they just want to know that you still want them. This is selfish and self-centered behavior. It's also cruel! So take the power back! Stick to NC and don't give them the satisifaction of knowing you miss them. The less you contact them, the more they tend to wonder what you're up to. The more you contact them, the less they have to wonder about. Overall, NC is the best possible tool to boost your confidence and self-esteem and help you heal as quickly as possible.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted November 9, 2008 Author Posted November 9, 2008 NC simply separates you from them so you can empower yourself. The more you contact them, the more you give your personal power back to your ex. Pining over them, constantly calling/contacting them isn't going to bring them back. In fact, the only thing it's guaranteed to do is push them away further. All NC really does is wean you off your ex as quickly as possible. The longer you stay in contact with your ex, the longer it takes to heal. It's really that simple. It doesn't bring them back. If they want to come back, they will do that on their own. It may make them miss you and they may attempt to contact you but unless they are saying "I love you, I really screwed up and I want you back!!!" then all they are doing is tossing you breadcrumbs. They don't want you, they just want to know that you still want them. This is selfish and self-centered behavior. It's also cruel! So take the power back! Stick to NC and don't give them the satisifaction of knowing you miss them. The less you contact them, the more they tend to wonder what you're up to. The more you contact them, the less they have to wonder about. Overall, NC is the best possible tool to boost your confidence and self-esteem and help you heal as quickly as possible. So, from what i gather, this is what i should also employ with my friend? ( i mean he isnt an ex...but...bassically he put me in the dog house for a good reason)..
CaliGuy Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 So, from what i gather, this is what i should also employ with my friend? ( i mean he isnt an ex...but...bassically he put me in the dog house for a good reason).. If he had a good reason to break it off with you, then why aren't you respecting that? Just curious....
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted November 9, 2008 Author Posted November 9, 2008 If he had a good reason to break it off with you, then why aren't you respecting that? Just curious.... Well it was more like I broke my friendship off with him out of respect for my then bf. (my friend and I made out during a break up with my bf..didnt feel too comfortable hanging out with my friend after i got back together with my bf) ..very soon i realized my relationship with my bf wasnt worth losing the people i love and love me back (unlike my bf) so i ended that relationship. Anyhow, my friend was understandably mad when I try contacting him again. He said he didnt know if he could be friends with me again. After that ive texted him a million times apologizing... Well, the reason i posted this was bc i didnt know if i should try one more time, letting him know i broke up with my bf when I realize i didnt want to lose him. I ended up texting him and he finally responded...he said he wasnt mad at me and there were no hard feelings...that maybe someday we could hang out again but i needed to stop beating myself up over this. So..yeah...i guess NOW would be a good time for NC??
CaliGuy Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 If he wants to chat, he knows how to find you. In the meantime don't sweat it. Keep yourself busy. If it's meant to be, it will happen.
BikerBeagle Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 I'm going to try to put this into perspective for you. You 'hooked up' with your friend while on a break from your BF ...that doesn't make him a 'friend' anymore, it makes him 'the other guy'. When you 'hooked up' with him, then turned around and chose your BF over him, you basically dumped him for another guy ...that's exactly what and how he is thinking. Now you are coming back to your 'friend' and saying, "hey, let's be friends again"? Seriously? I do not GET women and wanting to be FRIENDS all the friggen time, shezus.
Angel1111 Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 I agree with Biker - you changed the dynamics of your friendship when you 'hook up' with him. NC doesn't really come into the picture here. You've apologized, he gets it and that's the end of it. I would personally stop contacting him because now that he's heard your apology - over and over again - you need to give him his space to mull this over. Silence is very powerful and it allows another person to think without your input. He is apparently not bothered about this to the extent you are. You can probably take what he said at face value and there's most likely no hidden meaning there. He's over it, you need to get over it. He may or may not contact you again. I suspect you'll hear from him again someday. Untl then, drop it and move on.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 He is apparently not bothered about this to the extent you are. You can probably take what he said at face value and there's most likely no hidden meaning there. He's over it, you need to get over it. He may or may not contact you again. I suspect you'll hear from him again someday. Untl then, drop it and move on. You know, i agree with you...and Im kind of irritated by it. THe reason why i apologized so profusely was because when I told him i wasnt comfortable talking to him anymore, he bassically begged me for a whole day to not let our friendship die like that. Then when I texted him a few days later, he still seemed really hurt about how I let a bad relationship get between our friendship... And now all of a sudden, its not a big deal, he doesnt care and even tell me to get over it. And here i am thinking I hurt him really badly. Dont I feel stupid. BTW when I say hook up i mean we made out...sorry Im still not used to hooking up being having sex.... Anyway i agree we changed the whole dynamic of the relationship. truth be told after we made out i thought he would try to date me, but instead he disappeared for two weeks. Then when he found out I was back with my bf he was pretty mad...kinda weird to be honest.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 I'm going to try to put this into perspective for you. You 'hooked up' with your friend while on a break from your BF ...that doesn't make him a 'friend' anymore, it makes him 'the other guy'. When you 'hooked up' with him, then turned around and chose your BF over him, you basically dumped him for another guy ...that's exactly what and how he is thinking. Now you are coming back to your 'friend' and saying, "hey, let's be friends again"? Seriously? I do not GET women and wanting to be FRIENDS all the friggen time, shezus. Well, i dont know about that....at one point after we made out he asked me if i thought he liked me. I said no and he said that he was relieved because he didnt, he just saw me as a friend "strictly platonic". So, as to "dump him" for my bf? I dont think thats his feeling...and since ive always been told to take what men say at face value, then yeah, no he doesnt see me that way at all...(do i have a hard time believing that?? at least until that point? ofcourse! but then again it might have been my wishful thinking)
Angel1111 Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Well, maybe I should have phrased it another way - it may or may not be bugging him but you've apologized more than enough, so leave it alone for now. Men are really, really good at hiding their feelings and often say things like what he said to get you off the track. So what I should've said was is that he wants you to know that he's ok in the sense that he doesn't want you to torture yourself about it anymore. Too much apologizing reeks of guilt. Just drop it. You did what you did at the time, believing it was the right thing. So in that sense, it was the right thing. He'll come around eventually. If something happens and you want to pick up the phone and tell him about it, then fine. But for the most part, leave him alone for now. This is not NC, it's just a way of giving him his space. You might want to call him and wish him a happy Thanksgiving or Christmas - but don't apologize anymore, and don't hound him to talk to you.
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