CGrace44 Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 Background info: A have had a secret crush for about a year on this one guy i met at a party i was at with my now ex-boyfriend last year. We never really talked much or became friends even during the time I was with my ex so all i really knew about him was that he had had a 9 mo. relationship with a friend of mine. Where things began: On Halloween, we ended up at the same party and he looked hotter than ever wearing a "cupid" shirt and wings and shooting people with a dart gun so that they would kiss. After some drinking, I got up the courage to talk to him and during our conversation i took his dart gun from him and continually shot him and i with it so that we would kiss, and each time i would kiss him a little bit more. It was very hot! That night ended with me leaving with a friend to go to the bar and after talking to him online a bit he asked me to dinner. Things were good as we were both avoiding mentioning the elephant in the room...the past relationships we had (mine just ended about 3 mo. ago) with each other's friends. My situation now: We discussed this issue the next day and decided that it would be best if we kept things quiet from our exes and from our group of friends (who had always known me to be with my ex, and him to be with his) to decide if things between us could work out and not have to deal with other people's judgments and opinions. At this point i gotten together with him, 5 out of the last 6 days to pretty much talk/make out. Each of those times began after midnight because of work schedules and trying to keep this relationship on the down-low. Last night, however, was the first night I stayed over at his place and things got more serious (mind you, we did not have sex). This morning I asked him the basics about sex that i think you should ask someone before you sleep with them and found out that since he first had sex at age 17 he has slept with 11 different girls (he is 21 now and I know for 9 mo. of that time he was exclusive with my friend...i think). I thought that number was huge and it caught me off guard. I like him a lot, and i have liked him for awhile, but i do not want to become #12, especially in a situation where we haven't even told people about this yet. I feel like if we were secretly having sex it would feel like an affair and if it was always after midnight that we were hanging out it would feel like a booty call. This is a sticky situation because i like him so much and i really do want to have sex with him at some point. But i am also considering that all the charming "you're beautiful" and "i cant wait to see you" comments to have left the same heart-fluttering feeling on the 11 girls he has been with previously. I don't know what im looking for here...i just dont know who of my friends to talk to about this and i need some opinions on this situation. (What i should do? what I should say? Anything!!)
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 Guys tend to claim more conquests than they've actually had, and gals tend to claim fewer. Well, they did back in my day, anyway. I don't know what you youngsters are up to now. He could have thrown out a number, rounding up to the nearest tenth and adding one so it didn't seem so 'round'. Ya know, so he doesn't appear to be inexperienced. Guys that age don't yet know that women aren't impressed by conquests. But no matter the number, I agree with your position about the secret/after midnight booty call aspect. Don't be the booty girl. So long as he's not pressuring for sex, enjoy your make-out sessions. I remember mine from that age. Enjoy them while you can!
kashmir Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 First of all, he's probably exaggerating that number. A lot of guys do this. I used to think that they only did it around other guys, but I've recently found out that they talk about how much they've been around to girls too because most girls think it's hot. But you see, here's where I get a bit confused. I've never had a relationship before. I've had sex, but only two drunken one night stands which I didn't enjoy much (I don't do them anymore). Besides those two girls, I've done nothing else...not even kiss. I don't talk about those to people, though, so I'd imagine people think I'm either a virgin or inexperienced. I feel like this hurts me though, since girls seem to like guys who've had gf's before. Once they find out that I'm single, don't have girls going after me, and haven't had a girlfriend before, they toss me away. I imagine this happens to a number of guys, which is why a lot of them lie. So reading a post like your's, where you don't like the thought of a guy who's slept around confuses me. This guy can be anything. It's really hard to tell. Some guys are good at saying the right thing to get in her pants. Others might have had a lot of hookups in the past and want to get a steady gf now (I have a friend who comes to mind. All last year he was a big player, but during that whole time he was crazy about one particular girl. Now he's with her and is so much more tolerable to us =p). And others might be so insecure and desperate that they'd lie and say they've been around to try to impress you. This guy could be any one of those.
Left in a Lurch Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 No one wins playing the numbers game, ever. People tend to lie about it a lot, and guys want to seem in demand and women want to come off like they are not that experienced and in the end it is not fair to analyze each other's numbers. Instead ask if he has any diseases and leave it like that. If he had said 4 you would have written the same thing and said you didn't want to be #5. If he had said 2, you would be #3. It really doesn't matter as long as he was safe and is clean. You're young, but a lot of people don't get married until their late 20s and by then if they sleep with 2 people a year they will have been with some 20-30 people and the numbers game will always bite you when you get older. (The problem is by then he would still say 11 so what's the point of asking?). You have seen him a lot and if he is not moving too fast for you, and it sounds like after seeing him and sleeping over he hasn't pushed it. Chances are he is not looking to just notch #12 on the bed post. Believe me, when guys are looking for a good lay we don't wait too long before our one track minds take over and decide it has to happen or else you're just a tease. So if he takes his time he is probably not just looking for #12.
Author CGrace44 Posted November 9, 2008 Author Posted November 9, 2008 Thanks that really helps. But I think its the secrecy thing that bothers me more than the numbers thing. At first I thought having a secret relationship would be an enticing tease (making out on the side of the building and going separate ways to not let anyone suspect anything ) but now I am questioning whether or not is will leave me more hurt if I sleep with him and things don't work out--and then on top of it, I wouldn't be able to seek comfort from my friends because they have no idea that this is going on. And i really do want to sleep with him, but i don't know if that would be best before we have "announced" ourselves to friends. Or is that just wishful thinking on my part?
norajane Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 I thought that number was huge and it caught me off guard. I like him a lot, and i have liked him for awhile, but i do not want to become #12, especially in a situation where we haven't even told people about this yet. I feel like if we were secretly having sex it would feel like an affair and if it was always after midnight that we were hanging out it would feel like a booty call. This is a sticky situation because i like him so much and i really do want to have sex with him at some point. But i am also considering that all the charming "you're beautiful" and "i cant wait to see you" comments to have left the same heart-fluttering feeling on the 11 girls he has been with previously. As long as you feel that way, you shouldn't have sex with him. And yes, you're right, he has said all those things to those other women. That's how he's so good at the delivery of those words. The friends and exes stuff - is the secrecy because YOU don't want other people's judgments or opinions, or because HE didn't want his ex or anyone to know? Was the secrecy really a mutual decision, or was he the one who really wanted that? Who suggested the secrecy?
Ruby Slippers Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 11 is a high number for that age. Others say maybe he's lying, so you're either dealing with A> someone who's had a lot of sexual partners, or B> someone who hasn't but is a liar. Neither one is too desirable, but I think A is better than B! It sounds like the real problem, though, is that you're not actually OK with the secrecy. I don't blame you. I wouldn't be cool with a secret relationship, either. Too weird, and that makes it almost not even real. I'd wait to get involved (or get sexual) till I felt comfortable having it out in the open, or just get it out in the open now.
Author CGrace44 Posted November 9, 2008 Author Posted November 9, 2008 He suggested the secrecy thing, but I was thinking the same thing so it was pretty much mutual. He is really close to his ex (they are close friends, and still hang out a lot) and my ex and I do not get along right now (he still hasn't dealt with my breaking up with him). Mainly, I think that the issue on his end is not wanting his ex (a friend to both of us) to find out. On my end, I am worried about all the other people in the "group" and the judgment they would have of us. Keep in mind, we never really talked or anything before last friday even though we have been at a lot of the same parties so it would be a surprise to others.
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