Even if you won your ex back....

[foxh1234]

You can't make like "winning" your ex back is like earning a trophy or a prize. If anything she/he is a consulation prize for not getting what you truly deserve; Someone who didn't break your heart, someone who didn't drag you through the mud, someone who didn't lie, someone who isn;t immature.

 

We all deserve a real prize! Something awesome.

 

Not somebody who threw you out like a banana peel.

 

We are all a lot better than trying to WIN someone back. Your ex is not a prize. You are the prize. We are just as important as the person who dumped us. They should try and win us back.

 

This is kind of like a pep talk. But hell, I havn't had pep in months. I want other people to feel good and less needy. All you need is good people in your life who are going to help you grow, not someone who is going to bring you down.

 

F being down.

F my ex and her selfish/ childish behavior

 

She is not a prize. She is nobody.

 

Well put, I agree 100%.

[ilmw]

That's kind of the situation happening with my bf and myself. We've been together 2.5 years and are going through transitioning phases of our lives- finishing uni, he's about to start med (which is apparently hell on earth the first year) and i'm trying to get a job interstate. We love one another so much but it's going to be so hard next year. We've broken up not because of lack of love but because our paths are just leading us different directions. We both think that we're 'the one' for one another but the timing is just so off and we've both got so far to go in our careers ahead of us. I think love is letting go sometimes, so you can both pursue your own dreams. I honestly still do see him in my future though and so does he. If a second chance arises in a year or two when i come back then I would definately be there with bells on I think.

 

Wow... that is incredibly mature... Tough though... But.... better to reach for your dreams now... than to settle.... and regret it later.

[BCCA]

Eyeofhoth,

 

Where there is a will, there is a way. Did you two decide to break up together? I'm guessing no, or you probably wouldn't be here. I'm sure I sound like a total jerk right now, but honestly, this 'we are meant to be' attitude is really going to hurt you later if you dont reign it in. The fact of the matter is that I think less than 1% of people break up for circumstances not related to the relationship or the other person. However, a lot of people use these circumstances as an excuse during a breakup because, well, it sounds less harsh and easier to say. And they dont look like a bad guy, it wasnt there fault at all...stupid circumstances.

 

Look, no one - NO ONE breaks up with someone they have any intention of getting back together with later. Thats like walking out on your job and expecting that the position will always be there waiting for you. Life doesnt work like that, and you dont take those kinds of chances with things that are truly important. Would you break up with a guy if you thought maybe later in life things might work? No, youre risking him finding someone else and losing him for good.

 

I agree, no one is perfect. We all have our faults. But to act like anyone else you meet is just going to be the same as your ex, so you might as well try and make it work with them is just craziness. This person DUMPED you, stop making excuses for them. They dont deserve you back, Im sorry. Yes, second chances work if both people want them two, but be honest here, most of our ex's dont want them to.

[Eyeofthoth]

BCCA -

 

Where there is a will there is a way?

 

Then I can get him back!

 

Ha ha ha . . . (maniacal laughter)

 

Really I am tired of thinking about the whole thing. I have tried being angry with him and failed. I have tried believing he no longer cares about me and I have failed. I have tried filling all my time with other things and directing my energy elsewhere, and I have failed.

 

I am not waiting for him. All I said was I would take him back if I got another chance.

 

My real problem though is that I need a drug for unrequited love. It hurts too much and I just really need to be over it (where is the crying smilie -- this is a forum about love and we don't even have a crying smilie?)

[Angel1111]

This post just plain pisses me off because it truly really hits a hot button with me. Not to mention the victim comments about being dumped and second chances at relationships. Here's a newsflash for anyone who cares to listen -- if your behavior caused you to get dumped and you're then lucky enough that the person came back and gave you another chance, you might want to wake up and be accountable and stop acting like you have a reason to be pissed off.

 

Sometimes a person can talk and talk and talk about the problems in a relationship but people just don't seem to get it or take it seriously. When I say to a guy, "If you don't stop doing xxx, I'm going to leave. This is a very serious problem," and if he doesn't stop doing xxx then I can assure you, I'll be out the door. And let me turn that around - if I were with a man I loved and he told me that something in my behavior would cause him to leave me if I didn't stop, I can also assure you'd I'd stop cold. But it's been my experience that people just don't care enough to stop their stupid behavior.

 

Sometimes walking out the door is the only thing that will get a person's attention. The only problem is, I usually don't go back after that because by the time I walk out, they have had plenty of chances to get their act together. I have zero patience with bad behavior in a relationship. There's no excuse for it. Which is probably why I'm single - and I'll stay that way until I meet a sane person who knows how to act like a rational, decent human being.

 

If you've been given another chance when your behavior caused the break-up, I suggest that you value it for the gift that it is and stop thinking about how this person gave up on you. They did you a favor by opening your eyes. Hopefully.

[movingonandon]

This is a serious delusion. People don't go through individual transformations when they are apart. OK, maybe they/you get a new hobbie, adopt a new perspective, start wearing different clothes, listen to a different band, become a buddhist, WHATEVER. The shared dynamic that you had with this person was why you were in love. That is essentially what youa re trying to get back to(that particular comfort zone).

How are you going to re-create this same comfort zone after you have "grown" as individuals. A second chance might work after 3-5 years of experiences. Probably not though.

I understand why you are so vehement about second chances working.

I get it, I loved and lost too.

 

I miss some of the comfort from my ex. But I am unwilling to lose anymore dignity in this situation. I did the begging, pleading, trying to be friends, blah, blah,blah. Biggest waste of my time. Their are other people!

 

Their are better situations!! Thier are better lovers!! Their are better relationships than this broken one!!

 

Why prolong this needy need for a person who dumped you. I realized I don't have to prove myself to her, because she is not my judge, she is not my jury, she does not define who I am!

 

I am embarassed for my ex, I really am. She should be ashamed of her piss poor behavior, but she's not. I don't want this A**hole back in my life.

I started out believing in second chances too.

 

It is the dumbest sh** I have ever had hope in.

 

If she called me up today, crying for me to take her back, I would tell her to lick my shoe and get lost! My dignity and self-preservation is much to important.

 

 

These are all good points, but I didn't mean to imply that my belief that second chances could work necessarily means "holding out" or "hoping" to get back with the ex.

 

In my own situation, I am actually quite sceptical that a second chance could work with my ex. She basically (though not "technically") cheated on me, but now says she greatly regrets blahblahlbla, and wants to come back. I am keeping at a distance for months now (literally and figuratively), since she is not even close to convincing me that she has gained some sort of self-awareness (which I did, by demonstrating to her that i understand my role in how things fell apart), nor that she has taken care of her other issues. That said, I am keeping an open mind - maybe she will surprise me one day, in which case I'd reconsider. In the meantime, i'm trying to woo one cute pacific islander-ess.

[Eyeofthoth]

Angel1111

 

I am glad you chimed in here. Although the OP stated that he was not talking about situations where the dumper was given good reasons to end the relationship, I do believe that in most cases, a break-up is a two person problem. As the dumpee, I have no desire to play the part of a victim and simply overlook things that I know were extremely difficult for my ex to deal with. Frankly, he put up with a lot of stuff that was going on in my life for months before he started to crack under the pressure of it. These were not circumstances I had much control over at the time or I would certainly have changed them, but the fact is that I don't think it was fair to just expect him to be a saint, or to have rescued me from my life, or anything like that . . .

 

I had stuff I needed to clean up. It was all stuff that was there when he started with me, and he thought he could deal with it, but hey -- just because he gave it a really good try doesn't mean I need to condemn him for not making it all the way through. If he comes back after most of it has been straightened up, I think I will be lucky.

 

Basically I think it is a lot easier to be really angry at an ex. It makes it easier to move on. And moving on is usually something that just needs to be accomplished so the anger serves a good purpose.

 

I do think my ex made a mistake. I do think he acted poorly in some ways. But he is a great person, and I'm not going to blame a good person for everything that went wrong just to make myself feel better.

[BCCA]

This post just plain pisses me off because it truly really hits a hot button with me. Not to mention the victim comments about being dumped and second chances at relationships. Here's a newsflash for anyone who cares to listen -- if your behavior caused you to get dumped and you're then lucky enough that the person came back and gave you another chance, you might want to wake up and be accountable and stop acting like you have a reason to be pissed off.

 

Sometimes a person can talk and talk and talk about the problems in a relationship but people just don't seem to get it or take it seriously. When I say to a guy, "If you don't stop doing xxx, I'm going to leave. This is a very serious problem," and if he doesn't stop doing xxx then I can assure you, I'll be out the door. And let me turn that around - if I were with a man I loved and he told me that something in my behavior would cause him to leave me if I didn't stop, I can also assure you'd I'd stop cold. But it's been my experience that people just don't care enough to stop their stupid behavior.

 

Sometimes walking out the door is the only thing that will get a person's attention. The only problem is, I usually don't go back after that because by the time I walk out, they have had plenty of chances to get their act together. I have zero patience with bad behavior in a relationship. There's no excuse for it. Which is probably why I'm single - and I'll stay that way until I meet a sane person who knows how to act like a rational, decent human being.

 

If you've been given another chance when your behavior caused the break-up, I suggest that you value it for the gift that it is and stop thinking about how this person gave up on you. They did you a favor by opening your eyes. Hopefully.

 

You know what adults do when they have relationship problems? They sit down with their partner and talk them out, or at least try to. I agree 100% if someone said to me "XYZ is bothering me, and if you dont stop, Im out" and i continued doing what they asked me not to, then they had no choice but to leave.

 

Who here had their ex tell them "if we cant figure out X then we cant be together?" Anyone? ANYONE?

 

Most peoples ex's just gave up or gave them BS reasons. In every break up I've ever heard about in my entire life, I would guess 2-3 people got the truth. Most of us just got "i dont think were meant for each other" which is complete crap. Am I really supposed to waste my time worrying about what happened with someone who couldnt give me the courtesy of talking about our problems? F that.

 

Im definitely not perfect, Ill be the first to tell you. I would never claim to be. But when someone dumps you and feeds you a line of bull as the reason why, what are you supposed to do? Rack your brain trying to unravel the mystery? I would rather hit myself in the head with a hammer. You'll never know for sure, and it doesnt matter.

 

Self reflection is very important, especially after a breakup. But I refuse to spend one second worrying about what someone else was thinking and why they left me, when they couldnt muster up the balls to do it themselves. I always strive to better myself, but not for anyone else.

[Angel1111]

Angel1111

 

I am glad you chimed in here. Although the OP stated that he was not talking about situations where the dumper was given good reasons to end the relationship, I do believe that in most cases, a break-up is a two person problem.

 

Thanks. I misread his post. I thought he was talking about being broken up with for a reason that he knew about.

[Angel1111]

Most peoples ex's just gave up or gave them BS reasons. In every break up I've ever heard about in my entire life, I would guess 2-3 people got the truth. Most of us just got "i dont think were meant for each other" which is complete crap. Am I really supposed to waste my time worrying about what happened with someone who couldnt give me the courtesy of talking about our problems? F that.

 

 

Well, that's one thing my ex's can't accuse me of. I gave them plenty of chances and there was no doubt in their minds as to why I left. The only person I ever gave the 'we're just not compatible' answer to was my son's dad. And that was after numerous conversations, a marriage counselor, and one long, 6-hr conversation where he ended up asking the me same question he asked at the beginning of the conversation. After 15 yrs, he is still clueless and always will be.There isn't one single ex that I've regretted walking away from because I made certain that before I left that it was not workable. So by the time I exit, it's pretty much over with in my mind. Not to say that I've never gone back, because I have. But it never worked out because the same reasons I left for, never went away. What a surprise.And, no, I wouldn't waste one second on trying to wrap my mind around BS excuses for a break-up. But regardless of what reason they give, there's always one irrefutable truth that stands out in those circumstances - they want to break up. And that's all you need to know.

[Eyeofthoth]

" . . . they want to break up. And that's all you need to know."

 

Well, actually mine did not want to break up. He really wanted to see both me and his ex at the same time until he figured out who he really belonged with . . .

 

But he knew that was too sleazy to actually do.

 

And it was a really crappy thing to do to me after swearing up and down and repeatedly that his ex was wrong for him and he would never go back to her.

 

He is an idiot really for even considering revisiting that lunatic. Just a total fool. I should just focus on that.

[Angel1111]

[quote=Eyeofthoth;1920464Well, actually mine did not want to break up. He really wanted to see both me and his ex at the same time until he figured out who he really belonged with . . .

 

Right. In that case, I think you have to be the one to do the breaking up and end their confusion for them. And you can give a BS answer like 'we're just not compatible' cuz you're too damn crazy.....hee! hee!

[Sysyphus28]

This post just plain pisses me off because it truly really hits a hot button with me. Not to mention the victim comments about being dumped and second chances at relationships. Here's a newsflash for anyone who cares to listen -- if your behavior caused you to get dumped and you're then lucky enough that the person came back and gave you another chance, you might want to wake up and be accountable and stop acting like you have a reason to be pissed off.

 

Sometimes a person can talk and talk and talk about the problems in a relationship but people just don't seem to get it or take it seriously. When I say to a guy, "If you don't stop doing xxx, I'm going to leave. This is a very serious problem," and if he doesn't stop doing xxx then I can assure you, I'll be out the door. And let me turn that around - if I were with a man I loved and he told me that something in my behavior would cause him to leave me if I didn't stop, I can also assure you'd I'd stop cold. But it's been my experience that people just don't care enough to stop their stupid behavior.

 

Sometimes walking out the door is the only thing that will get a person's attention. The only problem is, I usually don't go back after that because by the time I walk out, they have had plenty of chances to get their act together. I have zero patience with bad behavior in a relationship. There's no excuse for it. Which is probably why I'm single - and I'll stay that way until I meet a sane person who knows how to act like a rational, decent human being.

 

If you've been given another chance when your behavior caused the break-up, I suggest that you value it for the gift that it is and stop thinking about how this person gave up on you. They did you a favor by opening your eyes. Hopefully.

 

That was well said and I think your right about "walking out" is a huge eye opener.

 

Thanks for your perspective

[samspade]

Well, actually mine did not want to break up. He really wanted to see both me and his ex at the same time until he figured out who he really belonged with . . .

 

This just means that people will have their cake and eat it, too, if you let them.

 

If someone can't "figure out" if they want to be with you, make it simple for them and walk away. You'll see their true intentions very quickly.

[Eyeofthoth]

Well I didn't walk away -- but I did set him free. I told him to go see his ex and try to figure it out and that I hoped he would come back.

 

He went to see her and said he had to "pursue it further." So that was it.

 

He is still conflicted though. But I just have to distance myself from him now.

 

He said that I was his best friend, and he wanted to maintain our "friendship" while he worked things out.

 

As I said, he is an Idiot. Everyone who is not an Idiot knows that you do not stab your "best friend" (with whom you have had a great romantic relationship for a year and a half) in the heart to pursue some ghost who really messed up your head and your heart the first time around.

 

She manipulated him big time. I am hoping he will eventually see how manipulative she is. I am not hoping this because I am a spiteful person, and I am not hoping this because I want him back. I just think that this is the lesson he really needs to learn in life.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Well this is something I am debating with at the moment myself. Me and my boyfriend of coming up to two years, broke up for about 3 weeks (I really lost track of time).

 

He broke up with me. At the time he had started a new job with crazy hours for minimal pay. We had a lot of problems and issues within our relationship such as possessiveness, jealousy and trust problems which led to arguments and emotional outbursts.

 

Without much warning, he broke up with one week claiming there were too many problems and that he saw us getting back together in the future when we'd worked through our own problems and maybe we wouldn't but that's what he wanted.

 

I was heartbroken and destroyed. I rang him back straight after beggining and pleading that if he loved me he wouldn't do this (mainly because a friend told me not to give up). He sent me a few emails about being friends. I didn't reply for what I felt was ages but what was realistically only a day saying I respected and understood he's reasons and that I'll let him go.

 

I then stopped contact. I cried, didn't eat. I went through hell and agony. I've never felt SO terrible in all my life. I still shudder when I think of it. It was literally like being in hell for a month - just permanant, never-ending torture. Going from suicidal to numb. Just shutting down.

 

One night he heard I would be at a club and he came along. This was nearly 2 weeks in. He said how weird it was to talk and not be together. We spent time talking and got a cab home together and walked around my road just talking. We talked more freely and honestly than we ever had during our troubles together, gave each other a hug and went home seperately.

 

The next week I saw him again and we did the same. And the third time, he became jealous when I danced with someone else. He ran away and for reason I ran after him. We talked and he said can't we talk about things as a couple so I said yes and slowly but surely we got back together.

 

Now i'll never know if this is the right decision. I recognise I caused LOTS of problems in the relationship so I carry that on my back. I wasn't perfect. But it all came for me from a place of hurt and insecurity which I do feel he didn't always support me with.

 

Now there are reasons why I think the second chance is the right thing - I love him, he loves me and for whatever reasons, we have come back to try again. And reasons I feel it won't work - do you ever really get over this?

 

It might or might not work for me I don't know. I am scared. In some ways i'm not. I don't really know if it's worth it. I just know it's the decision I made. Has it kind of changed him in my eyes? A little yes. I know he's love isn't 'unconditional' and 'all-enduring' like I thought it was once. But really - who's love is?