SelfCentered Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 Hey guys, first time poster, but avid reader these past few weeks. Okay, bit of background. 20 year old student, she is 19. We not only lived in different hometowns but also went to different Universities. Yet we made it work somehow for 13 months. And hell, when it was good, it was good. Life couldn't have been sweeter. But like all nice stories this had a bad ending. About 6 weeks ago I got the call from her. My first day back at Uni actually. She phoned me and said the usual...I wasn't the same guy, she was sick of the arguments, life was getting too stressful, didn't think we could see one another. Funny enough life has got really stressful for me at Univeristy. Final year and all that. I guess the breakup was a smart move. For the first fortnight after the breakup I was a mess. I went home whenever I could, I hated my lectures and I didn't really want to be at uni. Everything I saw reminded me of her, because she spent so much of her time up here. I'm not going to lie, I was depressed. I hated myself. I hated her. Nothing out of the ordinary, the usual post-breakup blues. The past month however things have been looking up. I had some good nights out. What really did it for me was when I hooked up with another girl the other week. Call me sleazy if you want, but I felt like it was what I needed at the time. Plus I felt better about myself, felt attractive, wanted. Don't get me wrong, I loved my ex. A part of me still does. But I can't get over the way she acted with me leading up the breakup and the way she broke up with me (over the phone...felt like I deserved better than that). I guess by hooking up with another girl I felt like I was taking revenge in someway, even though my ex would never know. That's the short version of our breakup. Today we spoke on MSN for a good 2 hours. We both have tickets to a gig soon (it's a group thing) and we're both going, I was just arranging a time to meet up since she's traveling there alone, plus I wanted to make sure she was getting home safetly. The talk kinda escalated when she started talking about how i've changed, how I sound different (can you sound different over MSN?) She said I seem stronger, more confident. The lyrics to 'I will survive' kinda apply to me I guess! Regardless, she was glad that i was dealing with it. She said she had been approached by a new 'friend' who had requested a few dates, but she had turned him down out of respect for me. She asked me if I would mind. I said I would- hypocritical I know, what with me hooking up with that girl- but it didn't matter as she said she didn't want to get with anyone currently anyway. So I guess you could say that I came out best in that convo. The truth was I felt awful. Just knowing some guys have been advancing on her (she gave me a list) is a horrible horrible thought. I'd rather be ignorant and assume she's staying single for a long time. I did tell her how uncomfortable I am with hearing these things and she said she wouldn't discuss it with me whenever we talk in the furture. But I still felt pretty lousy after the conversation. My question here is the following. Can we still be friends? She said, and I quote 'I really miss you...But I don't miss our relationship'. I know she wants us to stay mates, she's made that point again and again. I think she means it too. But I can't. I can't handle it. Just talking to her, even discussing random things, hurts. And god forbid me hearing anything about her and another guy. I dare not go onto Facebook these days out of fear that I'll see her status set to 'In a Relationship'. I don't think I can be her friend. I think it'd be better for me to cut all ties after the gig we have planned. Should I tell her that I plan to do this on the night, or shall I just avoid/not contact her? Thanks to anyone who reads this through and answers. Kind regards.
reelbigfish Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 The short answer is no. I am in a very similar situation and my ex wanted to remain friends. I thought I did as well but truth be told it just cause a lot anxiety and stress. You don't want to hear about her new boyfriends. You feel like **** when you leave a message for her or email her and don't hear back from her for a week. Obviously she has time in that week to get to you but she CHOOSES not to. I'd scrap your plans for the gig - give your ticket to someone else. I understand you are concerned for her safety as I still am concerned about my ex's safety - but you have to let go. If she loves you she'll come back - if not oh well hopefully you'll have moved on.
Chinook Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 I think you have reached the point of knowing in your insides it's over. I think what you guys are doing is like a slow-letting go, the idea being to make it easier on you both. Of course both of you can be friends, but I think you both need time now. I do think the last poster is right, I think you need to give your ticket to someone else and not go to the gig. Additionally, yes, I think it's polite and nice of you to explain to your ex, that although you want to be friends with her, you need a little time without any contact so you can get yourself together. Explain to her that you will contact her when you feel ready. Place the ball in your own court. Do not hang on to her and let her keep you back from recovering. You will be able to be friends at some time, but that time is not now.
Author SelfCentered Posted November 9, 2008 Author Posted November 9, 2008 Appreciate the replies guys! The issue with the gig is that it was my birthday present to her...yeah...Issue there! There's five of us going. The other three of the group are my mates that she's friends with but I knew them first and I guess you can say their allegiance fall to me. All in all it's probably more difficult for her. When we broke up I offered her both the tickets, then my mate had a go at her and said he didn't think I should miss out just because of her. She told me this and I agreed to come, so did she. I can't really pull out because it would make it so awkward for my mates. She doesn't want to pull out because it's her favourite band. I think I can handle it. I'm not going to be forced to talk to just her and I know my friends will look out for me. Plus, the gig is a big place so I don't even have to hang with her at the event. Just get lost in the crowd! But I am definately cutting all connections with her after. I think I might explain this to her after the gig, like the last poster suggested. Quite sick of her being in control and dictating how we play this game. I'll delete her number off my phone so I wont be tempted to give her a drunken call/text. Will do the same on Facebook and MSN. Speaking to her today has put me in a place I thought I was out of and I don't need it now. If people are still interested I will update this after the gig. It's a cool place to rant and get some advise! Think i'll stick around.
Author SelfCentered Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 Blah. I appologise if double posting is not allowed here. It's 3:45am here and in about 14 hours I have to meet my ex to go to this gig. I know in the post above I said why I have to manage it but honest to god the thought of it all is scaring the crap out of me. A part of me doesn't want to go, the other part doesn't want her to think i'm backing down (it's petty I know but I don't want to seem even more weak to her). My god I'm not looking forward to the next 24 hours.
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