You'reasian Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 Ok good folks of LS, I have a situation. I've been dating this wonderful woman (wonderwoman) for a little while now. She's great, alot of fun and we have really nice chemistry. We've been going out for a few weeks now. The problem started about a week ago, when I was at my apartment in sunny,sunny land. I was taking a shower and she went through my drawers. In my drawers, she found some intimate pictures of myself and one of my previous girlfriends - I didn't know she did this until much later So I get out of the shower and she has this frustrated look on her face and tries to probe me about my ex. I'm like, why are you being so insecure? And then she gets more frustrated.... Finally she tells me that SHE LOOKED THRU MY DRAWERS. I mean, she went through my private stuff and found these intimate pictures. They weren't intended for her eyes! Granted, they might have revealed some concerns about me and my ex-gf in regards to our current relationship, but she had NO BUSINESS looking at them. I find her slowly withdrawing from our relationship because she thinks that I'm someone else? I mean, I haven't been seeing anyone, we spend all of our time together - although the ex calls me from time to time to check in on me (as friends & confidants) and yes, she once said that she still loves me - but the cold hard facts are that my ex is not IN LOVE with me, which means we're just friends and the ex and I understand this. So, here I am - with my current girlfriend, unsure about me and withdrawing from our relationship - as early as it is - because of her own insecurities and me frustrated, because she invaded my privacy. Has this ever happened to anyone? Ughhh!
mark982 Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 she went behind your back while you were showering, goes thru your stuff, invading your privacy, and she has the nerve to bitch at you!! honestly who does she think she is? either grow at set and give her holy cane, or let her go. people like her really erk me.then has the nerve to be mad at you. you should be flaming hot at her.
CGrace44 Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 i don't think you need to be as severe as mark said...i would sit down and talk to her about it. Explain to her that the pictures as well as your ex mean are simply part of your past, tell her you were upset that she invaded your privacy, and tell her that you would hate for your relationship with her (this wonderwoman) to be affected by her insecurities of your past relationship. Remember, everybody has a history. If she continues to judge you based on your past relationship then she has her own issues of insecurity to deal with before she can be mature and have a relationship...so i would only end things if this continues, of course.
me4u2 Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 What would make her go through your drawers in the first place? That's what I would be wondering about. What was she expecting to discover, it wasn't pictures, so why was she there in the first place? Anyway, who knows if you'll get the answers to those questions or even if you care to know, but she definitely has insecurities. I don't get why she thinks you are someone else either? Because of the pictures? What? You're in for a ride on this one. She's very insecure and she'll pretty much do whatever she wants, knowing it's down right wrong, to get the security she needs.
norajane Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 the ex calls me from time to time to check in on me (as friends & confidants) and yes, she once said that she still loves me - but the cold hard facts are that my ex is not IN LOVE with me, which means we're just friends and the ex and I understand this. Nowhere in that description of your relationship with your ex did you say you are not in love with her. Are you still in love with your ex and would you be seeing her now if she were in love with you? "Understanding" that your ex isn't in love with you so that means you have to be just friends, doesn't leave a lot of room for someone else in your heart - your ex is still in it taking up a lot of emotional space. That's what your gf is asking you about. Finding the pictures made her feel insecure, and wondering whether you are still in love with ex. She's withdrawing because she fears that's the case and doesn't want to grow attached to you if she's only going to get hurt in the end. If you're still in love with your ex, she's worried she'll get hurt if your ex wants you back or it turns out you can't give to her fully, emotionally, because you still want your ex. Now, you can be pissed for her looking through your drawers, but if you're trying to understand what's going on in her mind, that's it.
Author You'reasian Posted November 9, 2008 Author Posted November 9, 2008 Nowhere in that description of your relationship with your ex did you say you are not in love with her. Are you still in love with your ex and would you be seeing her now if she were in love with you?. I'm not in love with my ex, but we've been through alot together. My ex says she loves me - but this is like a brother-sister kind of love now, does that make sense? We were friends for a long time before this and she's seen/helped me through alot. "Understanding" that your ex isn't in love with you so that means you have to be just friends, doesn't leave a lot of room for someone else in your heart - your ex is still in it taking up a lot of emotional space. That's what your gf is asking you about. Finding the pictures made her feel insecure, and wondering whether you are still in love with ex. She's withdrawing because she fears that's the case and doesn't want to grow attached to you if she's only going to get hurt in the end. If you're still in love with your ex, she's worried she'll get hurt if your ex wants you back or it turns out you can't give to her fully, emotionally, because you still want your ex. That makes a lot of sense, but I mean, I've been friends with my ex for so long. My ex and I still talk and yes, we've had some racy discussions, exchanges that would fall out of the normal "brother-sister" kind of relationship, but they were completely harmless - I'm certain of that. Afterall, these pictures are mine, not hers and never intended for her eyes. Add to it, I've made it clear that my ex and I are friends and have behaved as such. These pictures mean alot to me - they're part of who I was with this person - which is why I am initially resisting her request to toss them out (or maybe box them up and store them somewhere I care not to look at them). Now, you can be pissed for her looking through your drawers, but if you're trying to understand what's going on in her mind, that's it. Ok, well that makes much more sense. Thank you. I feel bad because this happened so early in our relationship. Before this, she was so warm and so into our relationship...I think if she saw the pictures stand alone (and my ex wasn't contacting me) she wouldn't have a problem with them or if the pictures were boxed away and hard for us to get ahold of she would be okay with my friendship with the ex. Thanks again. Still, she had no reason to look search my drawers and disrespect my privacy - I guess she was trying to do some kind of work to see if there might be any weaknesses in our relationship that could hurt her and really didn't have the time to get to know me and know that I'm loyal to her.
CommitmentPhobe Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 i don't think you need to be as severe as mark said...i would sit down and talk to her about it. Explain to her that the pictures as well as your ex mean are simply part of your past, tell her you were upset that she invaded your privacy, and tell her that you would hate for your relationship with her (this wonderwoman) to be affected by her insecurities of your past relationship. Remember, everybody has a history. If she continues to judge you based on your past relationship then she has her own issues of insecurity to deal with before she can be mature and have a relationship...so i would only end things if this continues, of course. I agree with all of that.
norajane Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 My ex and I still talk and yes, we've had some racy discussions, exchanges that would fall out of the normal "brother-sister" kind of relationship, but they were completely harmless - I'm certain of that. Add to it, I've made it clear that my ex and I are friends and have behaved as such. I think if she saw the pictures stand alone (and my ex wasn't contacting me) she wouldn't have a problem with them I think that's the crux of the problem. It sounds like wonderwoman was already aware that you and your ex talk frequently? If so, knowing that, knowing that you have been close for so long, and then seeing the pics...yeah, that can add up to a lot of questions in her mind, and in her heart.
Author You'reasian Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 What would make her go through your drawers in the first place? That's what I would be wondering about. What was she expecting to discover, it wasn't pictures, so why was she there in the first place? Anyway, who knows if you'll get the answers to those questions or even if you care to know, but she definitely has insecurities. I don't get why she thinks you are someone else either? Because of the pictures? What? You're in for a ride on this one. She's very insecure and she'll pretty much do whatever she wants, knowing it's down right wrong, to get the security she needs. I know. She had no business going through them. I can't help but wonder how she would've reacted if she searched through my drawers and found.... nothing. I'd like to believe that she might have had some kind of mental sigh of relief and might have felt more confident about us at some level, but I'm sure she would have to have a few more checks to make sure.
Author You'reasian Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 I'm trying to understand the take-home lesson from this experience. Here's what I've brain stormed. #1 I trusted someone too soon to even allow her into my apartment and into my things? The lesson here would be that I somehow opened myself up to soon and therefore have to guard my privacy even more... #2 She crossed over my boundaries by invading my privacy. Lesson here is that she is to blame. #3 I should have boxed up the pictures before allowing someone whom I was romantically interested in, share my space. Lesson here is that I am to blame for not cleaning up these things sooner rather than later. #4 Its her issue, not mine - she chose to snoop into my things, found these pictures and created the issues (I have no issues with the pictures, obviously) and her reaction is her own doing.
Author You'reasian Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 I'm trying to understand the take-home lesson from this experience. Here's what I've brain stormed. #1 I trusted someone too soon to even allow her into my apartment and into my things? The lesson here would be that I somehow opened myself up to soon and therefore have to guard my privacy even more... #2 She crossed over my boundaries by invading my privacy. Lesson here is that she is to blame. #3 I should have boxed up the pictures before allowing someone whom I was romantically interested in, share my space. Lesson here is that I am to blame for not cleaning up these things sooner rather than later. #4 Its her issue, not mine - she chose to snoop into my things, found these pictures and created the issues (I have no issues with the pictures, obviously) and her reaction is her own doing. If I focus on lesson #1 and #2 or #1 and #4, I see myself clamoring up, having difficulty trusting other women, ever again. If I focus on lesson #1 and #3, I would be a bit more cautious about sensitive materials/issues with future girlfriends. If I focus on less on #3 and #4, I'd be sweeping it under the rug allbeit "getting over it" ASAP. If I focus on lesson #2 and #4, I completely deny any fault in this whatsoever, probably agitate her and create more friction than before.
norajane Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 #5: Be sensitive to how it appears to new gf's that you are still very close with your ex-gf.
Author You'reasian Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 #5: Be sensitive to how it appears to new gf's that you are still very close with your ex-gf. Excellent point. I could always pull the jealousy card if the new gfs have issues, right? Instead of just going off of reaction, using the jealousy card (which are natural reactions) I could also sit down, take out the emotional content like I am now and make an attempt at critical thinking.....hmmmm Norajane, I'm glad that you've helped me understand what could be going through her mind - more importantly, how you accurately helped me understand where she was coming from. And for the other posters, you are correct - everyone has a history. I should have been more aware that frequent, somewhat intimate contact with my ex AND these explicit pictures might be a source of conflict
norajane Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 I'm glad I was able to help. If you want more insights on the issue, do a search for alllllll the many threads in the Jealousy section written by people whose current bf's/gf's are still talking to their exes. Many of them are titled "Should I be worried?" or "She still sees her ex!"
Brimstone_Angel Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 If you go snooping through other people's sh*t, don't be surprised if you get a wiff of poop! It is that simple. She was wrong for snooping. And if she got mad for what she found, that's what she gets. You had every right to expect privacy. Especially since the relationship is just starting. And her alienation is all her own fault. Instead of taking your word, she prefers to judge and come up with her own conclusions. You can't control her, she has to find the peace and belief in you within herself. What you really should do is invite her to talk with your ex. Maybe the three of you have coffee and a good sit down so that she can get to know her. Especially if she is a friend and is going to remain a part of your life. It is good for the new gf to get to know your friends, even your ex who is now just a friend. You and your ex do need to show some extra care and descretion with this one. Some people can't cope with ex's as friends and don't see how others do it without something going on. So, you may have to have some limits to when the ex can call or you two visit (i.e. spending too much time in each other's places alone or being seen all the time in public) and be careful of what you two talk about and don't go telling her everything about your current gf. Be strong and don't sweat this girl if she is that ready to jump, she may not be ready for a relationship, a control freak, or have a LOT of baggage you may not be able to handle.
Author You'reasian Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 If you go snooping through other people's sh*t, don't be surprised if you get a wiff of poop! It is that simple. She was wrong for snooping. And if she got mad for what she found, that's what she gets. You had every right to expect privacy. Especially since the relationship is just starting. And her alienation is all her own fault. Instead of taking your word, she prefers to judge and come up with her own conclusions. You can't control her, she has to find the peace and belief in you within herself. I agree. She had no right. I'm still wondering if she hadn't found them, if things would have been different? Its not like I absolutely need these photos, but I don't want to get rid of them either....I know, strange. What you really should do is invite her to talk with your ex. Maybe the three of you have coffee and a good sit down so that she can get to know her. Especially if she is a friend and is going to remain a part of your life. It is good for the new gf to get to know your friends, even your ex who is now just a friend. You and your ex do need to show some extra care and descretion with this one. Some people can't cope with ex's as friends and don't see how others do it without something going on. So, you may have to have some limits to when the ex can call or you two visit (i.e. spending too much time in each other's places alone or being seen all the time in public) and be careful of what you two talk about and don't go telling her everything about your current gf. I've suggested the coffee thing - I thought it would be a great idea and my ex was all about it, but the gf had kind of an akward reaction to it. My ex was looking forward to meeting her and I was glad, but she would be on and off again about it Be strong and don't sweat this girl if she is that ready to jump, she may not be ready for a relationship, a control freak, or have a LOT of baggage you may not be able to handle. Thanks. I enjoy my privacy - I may decide to keep the pictures afterall? It might disregard her feelings, but dang - she brought this on herself.
Starseed Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 I'll ignore the part about her snooping through your drawers for the sake of one issue. I had been dating my bf for about 7 months when we were driving along one night and his cell phone buzzed. He handed it to me and asked me to see what the text message was. Well, it turned out it wasn't a text, but a missed call. So, with his permission I pulled up his call history. There I saw a strange name. I asked who it was. It turned out to be his ex. All the time we had been dating he had been talking to her. My heart dropped into my stomach. Why would he never mention her when we had talked about past relationships before? I'm not as insecure when things are right infront of me, but when I find out something has been kept from me, I can't help but question things. He claimed that they talk occasionally, because she has a sucky family but I couldn't be certain she wasn't trying to hook-up with him. What smoothed the situation over? He told me that she wasn't me. I wasn't going to ask him to not talk to her, because I had no solid reason to, but he told me that if it made me so upset, he wouldn't...and he hasn't. I didn't tell him not to, but he took the initiative to do so and that showed me he valued our relationship. It's not exactly like your situation, but it might have given you some insight.
Author You'reasian Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 So I'm wondering: do I try to smoothe over an explanation about my ex with my next gf? She and I are very close, like I said, we are confidants and very physically comfortable with each other - we hug, if the situation allowed (which I would be conscious of) we could even hold hands, but that's it. I want my privacy. I want to be able to keep this close and comfortable friendship with my ex, the pictures and other things. At the same time, I would want to seek a romantic relationship with a new gf that has chemistry. Is that wrong?
norajane Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 You're too close with your ex if you would hold hands with her. That will be threatening to any new gf. Are you SURE you're really over your ex? Because I don't hold hands with anyone I'm not dating. I understand your ex is a long-time friend, but if you REALLY want a relationship, you're going to have to create some room for a girlfriend. You shouldn't WANT to hold hands with your ex...do you see what I mean?
carhill Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 OP, if the "pictures" are such that they might be considered pornographic if published, keep them under lock and key. This is being respectful of your ex's privacy. If you and your ex otherwise have a "friendly", non-threatening relationship (it's up to you two to decide that), then it needs to exist openly and conspicuously. Any new potential should be exposed to it and her, the sooner the better. She's a "friend". The right woman for you will understand the value of such relationships and see it as non-threatening. Does this make sense? It's all about the signals you send out
Author You'reasian Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 You're too close with your ex if you would hold hands with her. That will be threatening to any new gf. Are you SURE you're really over your ex? Because I don't hold hands with anyone I'm not dating. I understand your ex is a long-time friend, but if you REALLY want a relationship, you're going to have to create some room for a girlfriend. You shouldn't WANT to hold hands with your ex...do you see what I mean? Yes, but its not romantic. I'm certain of it. Yes, I am over my ex. Like I've said before, its been a really long friendship and we are confidants, practically read each other's minds and share a sense of humor that is on spot we're friends, I don't see her as a gf. I want to protect my relationship with my ex, because she is my close friend however I also want to nurture and grow my relationship with a new gf. I'm afraid that if a new gf has an issue with this, if she should find out and react negatively, I might respond emotionally as her being jealous - which would be somewhat of a turn-off.
Author You'reasian Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 OP, if the "pictures" are such that they might be considered pornographic if published, keep them under lock and key. This is being respectful of your ex's privacy. If you and your ex otherwise have a "friendly", non-threatening relationship (it's up to you two to decide that), then it needs to exist openly and conspicuously. Any new potential should be exposed to it and her, the sooner the better. She's a "friend". The right woman for you will understand the value of such relationships and see it as non-threatening. Does this make sense? It's all about the signals you send out Excellent point in your 1st paragraph. I suppose if I really wanted to protect my friendship with my ex-gf, I would have kept them under lock and key. I've decided to do just that. No, they are not that explicit - well, something between PG-13 and R rated. It does make sense. I agree about the signals!
Dexter Morgan Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Ok good folks of LS, I have a situation. I've been dating this wonderful woman (wonderwoman) for a little while now. She's great, alot of fun and we have really nice chemistry. We've been going out for a few weeks now. The problem started about a week ago, when I was at my apartment in sunny,sunny land. I was taking a shower and she went through my drawers. In my drawers, she found some intimate pictures of myself and one of my previous girlfriends - I didn't know she did this until much later The past is in the past. But when one clings to the past, especially in the form of keeping pictures of themselves having sex with their X's, do you not see how this would really put her off? What if you dated someone, and say ended up marrying, someone that didn't want to part with pictures she has taken sexually with her past bed mates?
norajane Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Yes, but its not romantic. I'm certain of it. Yes, I am over my ex. Like I've said before, its been a really long friendship and we are confidants, practically read each other's minds and share a sense of humor that is on spot we're friends, I don't see her as a gf. I want to protect my relationship with my ex, because she is my close friend however I also want to nurture and grow my relationship with a new gf. I'm afraid that if a new gf has an issue with this, if she should find out and react negatively, I might respond emotionally as her being jealous - which would be somewhat of a turn-off. As a woman, I can tell you that pretty much every woman out there would feel jealous and threatened to know that you would hold hands with your ex. If you're THAT close to your ex, it will be very, very hard to reassure any new gf that there's nothing between you and your ex.
Author You'reasian Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 The past is in the past. But when one clings to the past, especially in the form of keeping pictures of themselves having sex with their X's, do you not see how this would really put her off? What if you dated someone, and say ended up marrying, someone that didn't want to part with pictures she has taken sexually with her past bed mates? Dexter, I agree - the past is the past. The thing is that it hasn't happened, that's not the reality that I face at the moment, so I'm not really worried about it - its purely hypothetical situation... wait a second, I just caught myself trying to defend my own actions,when I should have been putting myself in her shoes the entire time I'd like to think that I'd be okay with someone who had pictures of them doing things with their past bedmates. Jealous? Maybe a tad bit but nor really, but.... I can see myself defending these things tooth and nail, her getting frustrated, trying hard to negotiate this and looking deeper, I might send the message that it would be okay for my future gf or wife to seek her own sexual desires outside of our relationship, which is not okay if she is my serious gf or wife.
Recommended Posts