When The Betrayed Spouse is the Betray-er

[Dominique]

All right. A hot potato here...

 

The subject came up where I work of an OW-MM situation in which the wife of the MM was known to most of my colleagues (I work at a university so there is an "attempt" at the very least to be thoughtful about all sides of an issue, more or less). But in our diverse group it was generally agreed that the wife of the MM was for years a very emotionally, sexually, personally disengaged wife who more or less treated her husband, a rather prominent academic, as a social trophy and credit card.

 

Apparently, there has been no love between them for a very long time--some say never--and she was always very critical of him publically, he never so much of her. She has never worked, he had been strapped financially when he was a young academic but she never got involved, worked, helped, or apparently showed much interest in his work. She is more or less a socialite and no intellect. She was after him for years when they married and he did because it was thought she was pregnant, or she played so or something. This is all less clear...

 

He apparently had been faithful until his late 50s when he met this one woman, who is not known to us but has a stellar professional reputation

and is taken pretty seriously. From the beginning he let his wife know that there was someone he was "interested in" and that their marriage was in peril. Her answer was along the lines of "do what you want" and that was that.

 

Many have said that she was the original "betrayer" in the marriage by merely checking out, early on, and using him socially, and not being engaged in any aspect of his life on any level...that the man was left emotionally desperate. They are heavy duty Catholics--I think this made divorce a not very easy option.

 

The wife for years has said they should divorce, now so has he, and she is going ballistic, now threatening suicide, now threatening to clean him out, threatening this that and whatever else. Again...the information is coming from several sides--some "loyal" to her others to him--that a) her behavior is unreasonable because she has long been disengaged from the marriage (even sending him to the hospital upon burning him with a cigarette, pre affair) and b) that she should acknowledge the truth gracefully that she was not there for him in the marriage and try to divorce peacefully.

 

This blew into a heated argument, that has brought me here to ask. Are there any here who believe that it is the Betrayed Spouse who in many ways "betrayed" the marriage in a different way than physical "cheating"? Are there other forms of infidelity to a marriage as described above?

 

DOM

[Ronni_W]

Are there any here who believe that it is the Betrayed Spouse who in many ways "betrayed" the marriage in a different way than physical "cheating"? Are there other forms of infidelity to a marriage as described above?

Yes, I think there are such dynamics at play...possibly even in the majority of cases of infidelity.

 

Just that using words like "betray, cheating, infidelity" to describe the non-physical breaking of the sacred vows sends many people into a major tizzy, frothing at the mouth, and needing serious mental health care.

[dreamy1945]

I agree that the BS is the one sometimes responsible for the marriage failing. There is only so much the other spouse can do...in my situation, the wife kept all her finances to herself, had the home in her name only, and basically controlled and intimidated the husband.

[Ronni_W]

Exactly. But "responsible for the marriage failing" does not mean "responsible for the other person cheating", IMO.

I mean, if things are so bad at home, the appropriate thing is to get a divorce (for one's own sanity and peace of mind)...not to blame the other for any of our subsequent choices and actions.

 

IMO, the non-cheating spouse usually has contributed to whatever are the dynamics that exist when the cheating starts, but that is all. But dynamics don't justify behaviour, "bad" or "good".

[OWoman]

All right. A hot potato here...

 

The subject came up where I work of an OW-MM situation in which the wife of the MM was known to most of my colleagues (I work at a university so there is an "attempt" at the very least to be thoughtful about all sides of an issue, more or less). But in our diverse group it was generally agreed that the wife of the MM was for years a very emotionally, sexually, personally disengaged wife who more or less treated her husband, a rather prominent academic, as a social trophy and credit card.

 

Apparently, there has been no love between them for a very long time--some say never--and she was always very critical of him publically, he never so much of her. She has never worked, he had been strapped financially when he was a young academic but she never got involved, worked, helped, or apparently showed much interest in his work. She is more or less a socialite and no intellect. She was after him for years when they married and he did because it was thought she was pregnant, or she played so or something. This is all less clear...

 

He apparently had been faithful until his late 50s when he met this one woman, who is not known to us but has a stellar professional reputation

and is taken pretty seriously. From the beginning he let his wife know that there was someone he was "interested in" and that their marriage was in peril. Her answer was along the lines of "do what you want" and that was that.

 

Many have said that she was the original "betrayer" in the marriage by merely checking out, early on, and using him socially, and not being engaged in any aspect of his life on any level...that the man was left emotionally desperate. They are heavy duty Catholics--I think this made divorce a not very easy option.

 

The wife for years has said they should divorce, now so has he, and she is going ballistic, now threatening suicide, now threatening to clean him out, threatening this that and whatever else. Again...the information is coming from several sides--some "loyal" to her others to him--that a) her behavior is unreasonable because she has long been disengaged from the marriage (even sending him to the hospital upon burning him with a cigarette, pre affair) and b) that she should acknowledge the truth gracefully that she was not there for him in the marriage and try to divorce peacefully.

 

This blew into a heated argument, that has brought me here to ask. Are there any here who believe that it is the Betrayed Spouse who in many ways "betrayed" the marriage in a different way than physical "cheating"? Are there other forms of infidelity to a marriage as described above?

 

DOM

 

But for a few differences, this sounds remarkably like my MM and his BW...

[Holding-On]

We have had some very good threads on this very topic just recently.

 

You may want to check out:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t169096/

 

and

 

(warning: very very long)

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t168742/

[pelicanpreacher]

Beware of surface perceptions lest you titanic youself upon an iceberg. Unless you can document your position as "fly on the wall" at all moments during their life then, for all you know, behind closed doors MM may be the tormentor and she the tormented.

 

I find it difficult to believe that individuals in possesion of an advanced education would be still be so weak of mind and character that they would marry someone of less advancement and little mutual compatibility just because they showed enough interest to pursue them. Often is the case that, though you see what you get, you shouldn't always believe your eyes!

[Reggie]

I believe it is possible, sure. From what I've read by folks that have made careers studying and researching the infidleity phenomenon, generally speaking ,it has been the WS that was less responsible in contributing and upkeeping the marriage pre-A. So, I think there are cases where the BS has damaged the marriage. But, in most cases , it seems to be the WS that was screwing it up. Case by case basis, I guess.

[torranceshipman]

I think that this sounds a bit fishy! For an intelligent man headed for such a career, I don't think he'd have just blindly fallen in to such a marriage. I bet things were great previously, or theyre still fine and he's justifying having an A by making out things are worse than they are.

[Meaplus3]

NO I don't believe that at all. It takes two to make a marriage work.. and if the W was not happy then there had to be a break down in the marriage.. that caused the BS to feel this way.

 

AP:)

[torranceshipman]

btw 'beware lest you titanic yourself upon an iceberg' is the best cautionary phrase ever, lol! That's SO making its way into my vocabulary!

Sorry for the mini thread jack, couldnt resist commenting on it

[OWoman]

I think that this sounds a bit fishy! For an intelligent man headed for such a career, I don't think he'd have just blindly fallen in to such a marriage.

 

This is fairly typical in the academic arena. Academics are often portrayed as "absent-minded professors" but the reality is that very many of them are a little short on social skills, and several have body hang-upsor other issues about their corporeal selves which is what sends then into a field of the intellect in the first place. I have seen it time and time again - brilliant minds (in their field) at a complete loose end in the terrain of human relationships. The kind of "intelligence" that leads to academic specialisation tends to be pretty narrowly focussed, rather than the broader, more encomapassing "intelligence" one would recognise in a different context.

[jj33]

This also sounds very similar to the situation I was in. However she does not believe in divorce she prefers til death do us part and dont tell the neighbors what you do in the meantime.

 

But I think that many people grow apart and either have no interest in finding their way back or simply cant but for whatever reason believe that it is better to stay married and continue the institution of marriage.

[Brimstone_Angel]

It takes two for a marriage to fail. There are always recourses people can take to rectify the situation. But, this idea that a person is justified in having an affair is wrong. Can one person do something to make turn the other person totally off? Most definitely. And if you are that way and refuse to put the time and effort into the marriage to fix it, GET A DIVORCE! Why is that so hard? Because people like to complicate the simplest things in life.

 

Look, going eye-for-an-eye only leaves us blind. Lets think about how many people in their "justification" for having an affair have had children aborted or born out of wedlock. Or how many cases of STDs hit someone from an outside partner. Or some of the many criminal acts people do from jealousy, envy, lust, wrath, greed, or pride.

 

There is never, ever a good reason to cheat, it does not matter what someone does to you. If you are not willing to forgive and forget and work towards rebuilding the marriage, then get out. If it is your desire afterwards to find a new love, go for it. But, do yourself and everyone a favor, don't cheat.