broken_promises Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 I have been dating a guy for almost 3 years. I am currently finishing college and I am making plans to go to grad school. He had a messy divorce about five years ago and still owns the house that he hates and has wanted to sell ever since. In the first year of our relationship, he repeatedly told me that he "wanted to build a life together" and we discussed, planned, and almost signed a lease for an apartment in an attempt to move closer to my school so we could live together. I chose this school based on our discussions about moving, I found a new job that would have allowed me to contribute equally to finances... basically, I did everything that I had agreed I would do. Long story short, he backed out of moving together on the day we were supposed to sign the lease. It seemed like he just wanted to live in two separate places. When I told him that I couldn't keep things the same (living in two places that were 45 minutes apart from each other, commuting two hours a day to work/school) he RELUCTANTLY agreed to me moving in with him about a year ago. Since moving into the house he SAYS he wants to sell, any work that I try to do on the house to get it closer to selling is met with resistance. We are starting to distance from each other. Basically, I am just getting lots of gut feelings that things are just not right. On the surface, things seem fine except when we discuss selling the house, moving, etc. Then, in recent discussions, he has started to make indirect statements that seem to indicate that he is no longer thinking of this as a long-term relationship. Things like "I think I could go the rest of my life and not find anyone I want to be with forever." My friend thinks that, basically, he is biding his time with me because he is comfortable right now but wants to string me along until something better arrives. Overall, it seems like he wants a "nights and weekends" kind of girlfriend (dates, sex, fun, comfort) but not one that would need him to decide on life path kind of stuff together, combine finances, etc. He says that's not the case, but his words and actions often say otherwise. Anyway - I have told him recently that, due to all of the animosity about waiting to sell the house, I would not be considering location in applying to grad schools. He seemed both surprised, happy, and nervous about this. His reply was: "I can come stay with you when the house does sell, right?" My thought was: What the hell??? I'm just not sure what to do... there are some great things about him and the relationship. In fact, except for these life path arguments, things are usually great between us. He is loving and sweet and sex is good. He has supported me through a lot. I love him very much and become sad thinking about not being with him. It's not that I don't love him, but I just feel so strung along. So, I begin to doubt myself and think that maybe these things aren't that important compared to my love for him. I wonder if I am being demanding or have expectations that I shouldn't have. I want to stay strong, decide what I need to do for school and for my life, and do it regardless of where he stands. I'm just not sure if I should breakup now or breakup later... or if I should let things play out. And then I often feel like all of these different broken promises and mixed messages have actually done permanent damage and I don't know if anything now would be perceived as anything other than "too little, too late." Any thoughts????????
Ruby Slippers Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 I was in a somewhat similar situation, and I dumped him two months ago after a two-year relationship. I still miss him sometimes, but I think I did the right thing. It just wasn't making happy -- in fact, going unappreciated was just making me feel awful about myself. My guy laid it on REAL thick in the beginning, telling me he had never wanted to get married or have kids before me, I was "the love of his life", blah blah. Then when he moved to my city, everything changed and he started keeping me at arm's length. I found out that he has always had "commitment problems" because, as he said, he was "scared of getting hurt". Overall, it seems like he wants a "nights and weekends" kind of girlfriend (dates, sex, fun, comfort) but not one that would need him to decide on life path kind of stuff together, combine finances, etc. He says that's not the case, but his words and actions often say otherwise. Yep. And then I often feel like all of these different broken promises and mixed messages have actually done permanent damage and I don't know if anything now would be perceived as anything other than "too little, too late." In my case, he seemed to be making some effort to step it up toward the end, but the crap had gone on so long I wasn't buying it. "I think I could go the rest of my life and not find anyone I want to be with forever." Wow. Then you'd better get to searchin', dude! That would certainly slam the door shut for me. You've been together three years. At this point, do you really see this getting any better? I vote move on.
Author broken_promises Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 It helps to know I'm not the only one who fell for the who first year of, as you say, laying it on real thick. I think that is what really pisses me off. I am fine if a guy isn't wanting a long-term (ie living together, marriage, etc) relationship and says so. But saying you want to and then continually bailing is just playing games. Or, more likely, being completely out of touch with their own true feelings about it. And I've been laughing for a couple of days now over your "better get searchin', dude!" Thanks again.
icelove Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 it's ok to be in love, but don't let that love ruin your dreams, it's not love anymore
Ruby Slippers Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 It helps to know I'm not the only one who fell for the who first year of, as you say, laying it on real thick. I think that is what really pisses me off. I am fine if a guy isn't wanting a long-term (ie living together, marriage, etc) relationship and says so. But saying you want to and then continually bailing is just playing games. Or, more likely, being completely out of touch with their own true feelings about it. And I've been laughing for a couple of days now over your "better get searchin', dude!" Thanks again. OMG, I know what you mean about feeling duped!! I was talking to a friend recently about how annoying it was that I was keeping it casual in the beginning, but he's the one who kept taking it to the next level emotionally and trying to make things more serious. I was trying to keep it light and just enjoy the great sex and fun times, and he kept getting all sappy and lovey! He was very convincing, so I began to reciprocate and let my guard down, and eventually he got all "scared" and pulled away. I'm tempted to kick myself, but really, how could I have known he would go all weird on me? And how could you have known? You say he repeatedly told you he wanted to build a life together. We both believed in love and took a chance on someone -- that is not a bad thing. I don't even know if commitment phobia exists (some say a commitment phobe is "cured" when he/she meets "the right person"), but I read that they tend to lay it on thick in the beginning, and only get flaky later, once they've lured you in. It seemed to me that maybe my ex really did want the big game he talked; he just wasn't capable of doing it properly.
CommitmentPhobe Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 I've had this mindjob pulled on me, only when it came to kids - (yeah ignore the handle that's not true). In my experience once someone "goes along" with a major decision - moving in, buying a place together etc., you are well and truly up **** creek without a paddle when it comes to your relationship as there is always an immense bone of contention there.
Author broken_promises Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 I was trying to keep it light and just enjoy the great sex and fun times, and he kept getting all sappy and lovey! He was very convincing, so I began to reciprocate and let my guard down, and eventually he got all "scared" and pulled away. OMG! Exactly!!! I can't even tell you the number of arguments we had in the beginning because he wanted to know what my "intentions" were for this relationship. (Yes, he actually used the word "intentions.") At the time, I was really just wanting to have fun and not get into another serious relationship. And as soon as that switched for me and I started to really consider a long-term thing with him, things changed. I'm not sure if it has been an issue of communication/timing for us or if he is a commitment phobe. I do, however, know that he has not been in a relationship - even his marriage - for as long as we have been together. So, if he can't stay with someone for more than 2 or 3 years, I feel like that makes it pretty likely that he is just not capable of long-term commitment. And you are right, how could we have known if they are telling us one thing and we believed them? I mean, it is one thing if you delude yourself into thinking a guy is long-term relationship material when he evidently isn't. It's a totally different story if they tell you they are and tell you that you are "everything they've been looking for" and then they change their story after a couple of years.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 I mean, it is one thing if you delude yourself into thinking a guy is long-term relationship material when he evidently isn't. It's a totally different story if they tell you they are and tell you that you are "everything they've been looking for" and then they change their story after a couple of years. Yes. This guy even quit the successful and really good band he'd been in for 15 years and was very attached to and moved 500 miles to be with me -- only to pull all this distant and emotionally unavailable crap!! Very confusing. The more I look back on everything that unfolded, the more I think this guy was just messed up. Because I am not a cynical or mistrustful person, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and as a consequence felt pretty jerked-around during a lot of the relationship. I'm glad that with hindsight I am starting to see things more clearly, to see him for what he really was.
Recommended Posts