ahr268 Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 Hello, I've been married for 5 years and, although my marriage had its ups and downs, lately it's been mainly "ups". I feel like my husband and I are finally starting to build something together, reaching common goals, values, aspirations. As an aside - my husband doesn't dance. He's also on the slight side - my height, rather wiry than muscular. That said, yesterday we had a corporate party at a club. By 3am there were maybe 7 people remaining who were dancing in a circle. At some point, I started dancing to a Latin-type music (think cha-cha, rumba) with a male colleague. And we ended up dancing together for more than an hour. It was close dancing: body parts touching, hands sometimes around the torso of the other person. I loved every minute of it: having a tall, attractive, agile man hold me, spin me around. We'd stop for a break, get some water, and then he'd come up to me and hold out his hands and I'd find myself in them again. At the same time, I want to say there was nothing overtly lewd about our dancing, nothing I am ashamed (i think...) to have done in front of colleagues or if I were single. At the end, people started dispersing, we all said goodnight to each other and I went home. That's it. Now it's the morning after and (aside from a hangover), I feel confused and guilty about my whole dirty dancing routine because I can't tell my husband about it. And also because, for me, it was more than just harmless fun. When we were dancing, there was chemistry which I didn't put a stop to immediately. But, all that said, I know I never would have and never will let this escalate into a more intimate stage: kissing, inappropriate touching, etc. This was the first time since I got married that I've danced closely with another man. I've never cheated on my husband either. Now I'm trying to understand what happened. Was that cheating? SHOULD I be feeling guilty? Where is the line between harmless fun with a coworker (who happens to be married and, also, an indirect supervisor) and cheating anyway? Also, as another side note, at work I rarely speak with this colleague. He's the head of another department. But, when we do attend the same meeting, for example, I have on previous occasions found myself staring at him and thinking that he's one attractive man (who's also sharp, easy-going, and often the life of a party).
broken_promises Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 You had a good time and it was harmless. I have a group of friends and we always go out to clubs together. Many of us are in relationships and we all end up flirtatiously dancing with each other. We all know that it means nothing and usually have a blast. It sounds like you enjoyed the experience more than you were trying to actually attract this co-worker. I see it as almost the same as if your husband didn't like roller coasters so you went on one when you got a chance and ended up grabbing onto the arm of the man next to you. You were seeking the fun of the experience and harmlessly used the person next to you to enjoy it with. Don't feel guilty. If it had involved REAL sexual advances (kissing, inappropriate groping, etc.) that would be different.
IrishCarBomb Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 Just ask yourself: if the situation was reversed, and he was out dancing, would this be acceptable to you? If yes, then it's no problem. If no, then you have to talk it out with him.
me4u2 Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 It was close dancing: body parts touching, hands sometimes around the torso of the other person. I loved every minute of it: having a tall, attractive, agile man hold me, spin me around. We'd stop for a break, get some water, and then he'd come up to me and hold out his hands and I'd find myself in them again. I feel confused and guilty about my whole dirty dancing routine because I can't tell my husband about it. And also because, for me, it was more than just harmless fun. When we were dancing, there was chemistry which I didn't put a stop to immediately. But, all that said, I know I never would have and never will let this escalate into a more intimate stage: kissing, inappropriate touching, etc. But, when we do attend the same meeting, for example, I have on previous occasions found myself staring at him and thinking that he's one attractive man (who's also sharp, easy-going, and often the life of a party). Those comments you made stand out to me. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with your dancing. The reason it has become questionable to you though, is because you are attracted to him. If you were dancing with someone that you weren't attracted to, you wouldn't be caring about it or thinking about it. Not to mention, you've already found yourself thinking about him prior to dancing with him and now that you've had this night of dancing, he's become more attractive to you. So in all of that, no it's not cheating. However I think your mind is cheating just a bit. Nothing wrong with it as long as you don't act on it or engage any further.
imagine Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 Hello, Now it's the morning after and (aside from a hangover), I feel confused and guilty about my whole dirty dancing routine because I can't tell my husband about it. And also because, for me, it was more than just harmless fun. When we were dancing, there was chemistry which I didn't put a stop to immediately. I guess you answered your own question right about the part where you need to keep it secret from your husband. Google " Fifteen steps to Unfaithfulness" and you will see at what level that you have progressed to. Oh yes, you HAVE been unfaithful. The good news is that your conscience still works. Go and tell your H before someone else does!
Kenyth Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 The dancing wasn't the problem. It's what's going on between your ears. Regardless, it sounds like it was primarily harmless. I wouldn't beat myself up about it too much.
Author ahr268 Posted November 8, 2008 Author Posted November 8, 2008 Everyone, thank you for your replies! I dont usually dance at clubs (at all), so I might have blown it a little out of proportion. On the other hand it's true that even if the act itself is (mostly) ok, the thoughts are questionable at best. And I guess if the situation was reversed I would feel ok with my husband dancing like that with a girl only if he werent attracted to her AT ALL. Not the case here... This won't escalate. I (and, I'd think many women) can admire a man from a distance without wanting to sleep with him. And, to Broken_Promises, it's true. I wasnt AT ALL trying to attract the guy when dancing with him. Just enjoying the music and, I guess, the feel of a man holding my hands, leading me on the dance floor. But, point taken, will prob need to be more careful with this type of flirtatious dancing in the future (or only dance with guys I'm not at all attracted to!). Now that I'm calmer about the "cheating/not cheating" part, I'll just have to see how embarassing coming to work on Monday will be (with all my coworkers having seen the dance routine)
Ronni_W Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 I'll just have to see how embarassing coming to work on Monday will be (with all my coworkers having seen the dance routine) My suggestion about that is to just hold your head up high and, if anyone mentions anything at all, just go, "Yeah...who was that smoking up the dance floor, huh?" and laugh -- if you make light of it, others won't have anything to talk/gossip about. Personally, I think if you tell your husband it just turns the whole episode into something that it really, truly wasn't. Where it is now, it has no meaning to your marriage. Even if you find yourself having obsessive thoughts about it, it still isn't significant enough to take to your husband but, should that happen, maybe a counselor/therapist will help to get your thoughts back on their usual, faithful path.
SoulStorm Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 And I guess if the situation was reversed I would feel ok with my husband dancing like that with a girl only if he werent attracted to her AT ALL. This is where your guilt comes in. You had fun and it was harmless, but the fact that you were attracted to the guy and enjoyed being close and held by him brings your feelings of guilt. If you are not comfortable with your husband dancing with a woman he was attracted to,can you justify dancing with a man that you were attracted to?The guilt comes in because you were dancing with a man that was opposite of your husband and you enjoyed dancing with him. Like it was mentioned before, the dancing wasn't the problem, it's what was going on between you two (chemistry) that was.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 ahr, this is the second thread you've made about being attracted to men from work (and different men every time, I assume). I think the underlying guilt you're feeling is from that sort of psychological cheating--wanting to be with someone else isn't really that much better that actually doing it.
Author ahr268 Posted November 9, 2008 Author Posted November 9, 2008 ahr, this is the second thread you've made about being attracted to men from work (and different men every time, I assume). I think the underlying guilt you're feeling is from that sort of psychological cheating--wanting to be with someone else isn't really that much better that actually doing it. Erm... yeah, that's the second one. The good news is that since first posting, I've gone to a counselor and spent several months "getting over" that first man. In that case, there were some serious attachment issues. Once I've delt with those, things really started looking up in my marriage. I'm still working with that first man, by the way but since I've taken him off that pedestal, it became much easier to see him as just a coworker (Though I'd never risk dancing with him. That much I've learned from the counseling sessions). The dancer guy - no emotional issues (and it's the emotional strings that are so hard to break!) And there's only one man I want to be with right now. The one I'm married to.
imagine Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 And there's only one man I want to be with right now. The one I'm married to. Talk is cheap!! Would you leave your job right now to back that statement up?
me4u2 Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 Talk is cheap!! Would you leave your job right now to back that statement up? Why in the world would she leave her job because she danced with someone? That's just silly.
You'reasian Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 You mentioned that you would not be ok if your man went out and did the same with a woman he was attracted to. Why?
Dexter Morgan Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Hello, I've been married for 5 years and, although my marriage had its ups and downs, lately it's been mainly "ups". I feel like my husband and I are finally starting to build something together, reaching common goals, values, aspirations. As an aside - my husband doesn't dance. He's also on the slight side - my height, rather wiry than muscular. That said, yesterday we had a corporate party at a club. By 3am there were maybe 7 people remaining who were dancing in a circle. At some point, I started dancing to a Latin-type music (think cha-cha, rumba) with a male colleague. And we ended up dancing together for more than an hour. It was close dancing: body parts touching, hands sometimes around the torso of the other person. I loved every minute of it: having a tall, attractive, agile man hold me, spin me around. We'd stop for a break, get some water, and then he'd come up to me and hold out his hands and I'd find myself in them again. At the same time, I want to say there was nothing overtly lewd about our dancing, nothing I am ashamed (i think...) to have done in front of colleagues or if I were single. At the end, people started dispersing, we all said goodnight to each other and I went home. That's it. If you were turned on by this and enjoyed bumping uglies on the dancefloor with a guy you find attractive, then yes, I consider it cheating. You can be attracted to someone and look at them. but hands off. I think what you did was disrespectful to your husband. Now it's the morning after and (aside from a hangover), I feel confused and guilty about my whole dirty dancing routine because I can't tell my husband about it. And also because, for me, it was more than just harmless fun. When we were dancing, there was chemistry which I didn't put a stop to immediately. But, all that said, I know I never would have and never will let this escalate into a more intimate stage: kissing, inappropriate touching, etc. There already seems to be inappropriate touching it seems. Just because the hips aren't your boobs doesn't mean he needs to be grabbing you by them. And you can't say you'd never let it escalate if you were turned on by this man. If you were in the perfect situation and say this same touching was going on in private, you'd have gone for it.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Just ask yourself: if the situation was reversed, and he was out dancing, would this be acceptable to you? If yes, then it's no problem. If no, then you have to talk it out with him. Exactly. If she was to see her husband basically simulating sex on the dancefloor with another woman, I highly doubt she'd be ok with it.
AAlike Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 I don't think that there's anything inherently wrong with the dancing (some people here need to loosen up a little bit!), if in fact it was just dancing. However, as others have pointed out, the fact that your post reads like a bad romance novel seems to suggest otherwise.
Geishawhelk Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 At the last company I worked at, we had quite a few ladies "of a certain age", (including me) and we had the office Christmas party. Now, we all know how ladies love to let their hair down. If we're of a certain age, we don't go out often to clubs and the suchlike...probably family commitments and lack of time and opportunity.... we're 'tied' to our daily lives, and are no spring chickens, But we still enjoy a good time. So the Christmas party was strictly staff. No partners. And there were a lot of younger guys working at these offices... man we all had such a great time! Close dancing, enrique Iglesias, latino, rumbas, you name it. Hip girations, bum-grinding, flirting like ma-a-d hugs, close dancing - And none of it meant a thing. To anyone. it was just fun, and everyone just pushing the boundaries just a leeeeelte bit, for the fun of it. Most of the guys are married or have GFs. Most of the ladies are married long-time.... One of my lady friends, who had only been with the company a short time, said it was the most fun she'd ahd in years! it was sooo flattering having a younger guy wnating to dance with her! We all knew it was just fun. we all knew it was something we could do, safely, and acting in a way perhaps we wanted to behave, but without the limitations of having to conform to our partners' perception. Nothing went anywhere. In an office that small, we would all have known about it in no time. I told my partner all about it. not because of any shame, or fear of being found out. I had nothing to be ashamed of, and there wasn't anything underhand for him to find out. But I described the fun we'd had. And he did the same thing at his university do, at the end of the year. Danced with a couple of girls, up close and personal. For fun. For the heck of it. I think that's what happened here, but because of the OPs previous experiences, maybe the guilt factor was a little deeper than one would expect. just my input.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 And none of it meant a thing. To anyone. it was just fun, and everyone just pushing the boundaries just a leeeeelte bit, for the fun of it. I don't want someone pushing boundaries. I want someone that respects the boundaries and doesn't push them for fun at my expense. Its like when my son tries to push buttons to see what he can get away with. Do I ignore his behavior? No. I crack his ass.
Geishawhelk Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Why would it have been 'at your expense'? Did you get all of my post.....? Including the bit where I told my SO? And hitting a child is indefensible, by the way. But that's a whole new topic.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Why would it have been 'at your expense'? Did you get all of my post.....? Including the bit where I told my SO? If they are dirty dancing, or acting like they are getting off on each other, it is at my expense. And hitting a child is indefensible, by the way. I don't "hit" my child in the sense that "hitting" is percieved. A spank on the butt once in a while keeps them in line. never anywhere else. No balled up fist, not smacking them in the face. Just a good old fashioned butt smack. People who hit their children anywhere else, yes, THAT is indefensible. And he knows I'll do it if he wants to act like a brat. Hence, he doesn't act like a brat. A spanking many o times kept me in line. Kids today have absolutely NO respect because they have absolutely NO discipline and know they can get away with their behavior. But yes, thats a different topic altogether.
Geishawhelk Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 But yes, thats a different topic altogether. New thread started. Thanks Dexter, i'll leave this one here. I said my piece. I never did anything at my SO's expense, because I was clear with him about it. And he with me. as far as we were both concerned it was just good harmless fun.....
Dexter Morgan Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 I never did anything at my SO's expense, because I was clear with him about it. And he with me. as far as we were both concerned it was just good harmless fun..... If he doesn't care, then that is his choice. me, I don't particularly appreciate a significant other of mine acting like she is being $%^$#d on the dancefloor. And she wouldn't want me doing the same.
Author ahr268 Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 You mentioned that you would not be ok if your man went out and did the same with a woman he was attracted to. Why? I guess because I've taken dance classes and danced with guys I wasnt attracted to. And I know that it's nothing special and the excitement one feels when dancing with a person one isn't attracted to is only the excitement from the act of dancing, and not from being close to the person.
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