RICKY7780 Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 well here is my story, ive been married for 4 yrs and together with my wife for 5yrs. we have a 3 yrs old daughter together. i am 24 and she is 21. well, our relationship has always been a good one in my opinion, but just lots of arguments and disagreements. both of us have really bad attitudes (both bi-polar imo) but things got real bad recently. about 6 months ago my wife started showing signs of distancing herself when she started a new job. her best friend worked there too so i blame alot on her. wife started stayin late to hang out with friend, started spending days off with her and started showing no interest in me anymore. well i confronted of course and she had admitted to me that she was losing love for me. she blames it mainly on the fact that she got married way to young and feels like now she wants to break out on her own and not have to "check in" anymore. she has always told me that she regrets getting serious so young because she feel like she missed out alot on her teenage yrs and doing what she wants and just experiencing the single life and all of its freedom. things got a lil worse and she continued staying out late and i got tired of it. i kicked her out about 3 months ago. i was devistated by the way she was acting. completly ignoring me and just tryin to lose whatever feelings she had for me. she always tried ways to hate me and make reasons why not to love me anylonger. about the time i kicked her out she told me she wanted a divorce. i didnt know what to do. i called her constantly crying and beggin for her to come back and claiming that i had changed my ways. when i would call she would yell and scream at me and would say i aggrevated her and she would hang up and turn her phone off. she always said she loved me to death but just felt like we werent meant to be and that she just wanted to be single from now on and and wanted it to be just her and our daughter. as for our daughter, since my wife moved out we have been sharing custody and having 1 week each then it turned to 2 weeks each and now i havent seen my daughter in a month. the past month or so we have been good. i dont call her like i used to and just tried to give her her space. she has spoken with a lawyer and has informed herself but has not filed. now for the part that has me confused. well about 2 weeks ago i spoke to a lawyer becuz of the way my wife has been acting so i took matter into my own hands and tried doing some reasearch on divorce and custody. i talked to my wife about what we should do and stay civil about this. well, she then layed a bombshell on me. she said that she now needed time to think about what she really wants. she says she is confused and doesnt know wether to come back or move on. now i have been through so much and my heart was broken by what shes been doing and all the things she has said to me. ive been depressed for months and i promise there is not one day that i dont think about her. but i have now come a long way and have grown so much. ive become stronger to accept the divorce now and move on and im not the person i was when we were together. in a wierd way im glad this has happened to me becuz i have changed and grown as a man. but that part that confuses me on what to do is should i move on or should i wait until shes ready to come back? when i talk to my lawyer i feel like im making a mistake that i will regret. i love my wife so much and i want to spend the rest of my life with her. i have never cheated on her or left her for any reason. but on the other hand she has hurt me so bad and caused me so much suffering. what gets me is that we have been seperated and i dont know the things she does or who she talks to or how she acts now that she feels she is single. she has admitted that she has guy friends and that they hang out, but im not sure if she has done sexual things or not. she claims that she hasnt and that shes not tryin to get in a relationship or have relations. butthen i think to myself, would i take her back if she has had sexual relations with anyone? we have talked a coupl times and she claims to miss me so much and that even when i kicked her out that she never stopped loving me. she tried to shake that love but it stayed there. but shes now confused about what she wants. and well im tired of waiting and sitting here to find out what she says. i havent seen her in a month and a half and i miss her so so much. when we talk she cries and wants to just rush over here to me, but makes no effort. she dosent come to drop my daughter off or even make an effort to come and talk to me face to face and see where it goes from there, but goes to friends houses all the time and goes out on the weekends sometimes. she has settled down alot and doesnt go out like she used to. i will wait till the end of time if i have to for my wife becuz i love her so damn much, but all this waiting is getting to me. we both love eachother to death, we both know things will get better (becuz we both plan to go to counseling no matter what), but im tired of waiting. i want to be loved and held, and she would rather be free and single but shes confused on what she wants. so my questions to everyone here, what should i do about this divorce? should i go through with it or sit here wating to see when or if my wife decides to come back? also, what are everyones opinions about this sex issue i have? if she had sex while we are apart should i take her back? to me sex is a sacred thing to a marriage and should only be experienced between us, but hten again its just sex! love overpowers that and is the thing that really should matter if we plan to get back together. should i let something like that get in my way of making a choice wether to take her back or not? thanks everyone for reading this and for all the help i get. i know what i typed is probably confusing but i will be glad to clear things up if anyone gets confused. thanks again.
Lady Bird Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 You mentioned you both intend on counseling, I would suggest you start individual counseling now for you. If your wife wants to work on the marriage then also seek marriage counseling starting immediately before you move back together. Her all the sudden being on the fence or changing her mind once you've consulted an attorney raises some concerns for me. Are you supporting her financially? Has your attorney suggest or mentioned that to stop (this does not include child support)? Having sex, dating or 'hanging out' with another man while stating that she is wanting to work things out with you and your marriage IS wrong and you should definitely be concerned.
cariney Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 Hi Ricky, I really feel bad for you! If I was you I would stop looking for her... If you continue looking for her she is going to feel high and mighty... don't call her anymore... second do not involve your kid...and third go out with a friend and break the routine...DO NOT CALL HER....
amaysngrace Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 I read cariney's post and then ricky's post and I thought you two were married to each other.
Lady Bird Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 I read cariney's post and then ricky's post and I thought you two were married to each other. I read Ricky's post, responded, then read Cariney's and got the same impression.
Author RICKY7780 Posted November 8, 2008 Author Posted November 8, 2008 You mentioned you both intend on counseling, I would suggest you start individual counseling now for you. If your wife wants to work on the marriage then also seek marriage counseling starting immediately before you move back together. Her all the sudden being on the fence or changing her mind once you've consulted an attorney raises some concerns for me. Are you supporting her financially? Has your attorney suggest or mentioned that to stop (this does not include child support)? Having sex, dating or 'hanging out' with another man while stating that she is wanting to work things out with you and your marriage IS wrong and you should definitely be concerned. thanks for your response. mayeba i should clear the whole me talkin to an attorney thing. well i have never said to her that i spoke to a lawyer, but i see where it would concern you if i did tell her i talked to an attorney and she all of a sudden said that to me. but no, i never mentioned it to her. all i said was basically that i feel like i now need to move on and accept her wishes of going through with this divorce and that i will fight for custody of my daughter if i have to. next thing. i dont support her financially. everytime ive tried to give her money she would never take it. and even if she did i would go with her to purchase whatver she needed thatway my money did not go to other things i would not approve of. now for the whole sex thing. if it seems like i made it sound like she wants to have sex and all that then thats not the case. she only claims to have male and female friends and hangin out is not a problem. she tells me she has never tried to purse a man or put herself in situations to bring about this sex issue. see, when we were together i was really possessive and didnt want her talking to other men when i wasnt around and didnt really approve of her going out with her female friends and male friends being around. she has never said she wants to work things out with me but then say she wants or does hang out with guys or any of that that you mentioned. she has really chilled out the past month or so and has now gotten into this "thinking" stage. thats where im confused on what to do becuase it has been 6 months now. we both have changed for the best, but now i want to be loved again. thank you so much for you response.
amaysngrace Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 I read Ricky's post, responded, then read Cariney's and got the same impression. You know what's really weird? They both posted around the same time and responded to each other around the same time too. It's cosmic.
Author RICKY7780 Posted November 8, 2008 Author Posted November 8, 2008 Hi Ricky, I really feel bad for you! If I was you I would stop looking for her... If you continue looking for her she is going to feel high and mighty... don't call her anymore... second do not involve your kid...and third go out with a friend and break the routine...DO NOT CALL HER.... hi, thanks for the response. well like i mentioned earlier, the past 2 months i have been doing good. i realized along time ago that calling her and buggin is only driving her away even more. so therefore i stoppped acting like that and have givin her her space. i dont give her any signs of trying to pursue her but do still let her know that i care and love her no matter the outcome. i dont involve my kid, never have or tried to. my wife was the one to put her in the middle of this, well kinda. see my wife has kept her from me because the last time i talked to her she had said to me that she feels like evreyone is against her and she feels good about having our daughter because it makes her happy and she says she can "talk" to her about herself. but dont worry, i dont call her or put my self out there as a begger or give her signs that i am hurting or in pain. thanks again for the reply.
Lady Bird Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 You know what's really weird? They both posted around the same time and responded to each other around the same time too. It's cosmic. You read my mind!
Author RICKY7780 Posted November 8, 2008 Author Posted November 8, 2008 I read cariney's post and then ricky's post and I thought you two were married to each other. lol, yeah!! i posted my thread then went back to the forum and saw she posted something, went in and read it and it sounded like my situation. so i thought, "hey, what if this is my wife?" but its not.
amaysngrace Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 so i thought, "hey, what if this is my wife?" but its not. not yet......
Lady Bird Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 Ricky - red flag alert that she is talking to your daughter about her problems, very very very bad! You should be in your daughters life no matter what the situation between you and your wife is or what she wants. It's not about her, it's about you, your daughter and the relationship you have with your daughter.
Lady Bird Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 not yet...... for some reason this has given me the giggles :lmao:
Author RICKY7780 Posted November 8, 2008 Author Posted November 8, 2008 Ricky - red flag alert that she is talking to your daughter about her problems, very very very bad! You should be in your daughters life no matter what the situation between you and your wife is or what she wants. It's not about her, it's about you, your daughter and the relationship you have with your daughter. ahh man, im so sorry. i have a bad habit of typing or wording things the wrong way for ppl to get the wrong impression. my daughter is 3. she is very intelegent but not to the point where she can give out advice or listen and comprehend things like and adult. what i meant to say is that she likes having our daughter around basically for the fact of our daughter being able to bring a smile to my wifes face. even though my wife is having problems on what to do , our daughter is there to cheer her up. when my wife talks to her, its not to tell her her problems or any of our problems, just talks to her normal.
Lady Bird Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 Ok, I understand and thank you for clearing that up. It's a concern not to make your daughter her sole happiness though, even with your daughter being so young kids are pretty perceptive and can pick things up. Placing her happiness on your daughter may make her feel responsible in some way. That's not to say that she is doing that, I have kids too and believe they give me strength to carry on some days but they don't shoulder the responsiblity to make me happy, only I can make myself happy.
Author RICKY7780 Posted November 8, 2008 Author Posted November 8, 2008 Ok, I understand and thank you for clearing that up. It's a concern not to make your daughter her sole happiness though, even with your daughter being so young kids are pretty perceptive and can pick things up. Placing her happiness on your daughter may make her feel responsible in some way. That's not to say that she is doing that, I have kids too and believe they give me strength to carry on some days but they don't shoulder the responsiblity to make me happy, only I can make myself happy. i see what you mean. i really hope my wife doesnt feel like that. i just pray she can build the strength to come back on her own.
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