Walk Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 I'm having an issue that is affecting my life negatively. I've been divorced from the ex for 5 years now (seperated nearly 6). I'm still angry. I'm angry at him for taking advantage of me so badly, and I'm angry at myself for allowing it to happen. And I don't know how to let that go. I've tried rationalizing it away (helps some), I've tried avoiding all thoughts about it (not working), and I've tried incorporating what I've learned into my life (backfiring ). Here's an example: I changed my name on my stocks when I married the ex. The few I have left from the time I was married, I'm having an extremely hard time changing the name back on them (finding forms + costs me to have divorce certificates, certified mailings, stock certificates, etc.). Tons of hoops to jump through to correct the huge mistake of marrying idiot boy to begin with. 5 years post divorce and I'm still trying to put my life back together, while jerk boy skated. I still get crap in the mail for me with his *puke* last name on it. It makes me feel crappy (besides hating the ex) because I feel like it's a slap in the face to my H every time I get a piece of mail with that dickwad's last name on it. It's on-going crap like that. Usually little things that set me off. I want him out of my life completely.. and I can't. Even applications (employment, mortgage, creditcards), I have to list all previous names. I don't want to list his name!! I hate listing the name that signifies a soul sucking, money stealing, period of my life. I'm ashamed to list that name. Mortified. Angry. And I feel forced to associate my present life with his when I have NOTHING to do with him now. What I'd really like to do is track the ex down and beat him until he has to be rushed to the emergency room. It's unhealthy to feel this way. I'm struggling at a great job because the boss has character traits that remind me of the ex. I end up surly toward him. My H will do something really bening that reminds me of the ex and it'll put me in a bad mood. It's stupid and a waste of my energy, but I can't shake it. I'm afraid to talk to my H about it because I'm worried he'll assume I still have a thing for the exH. But I've seen the ex with his new gf and what I felt was a profound sadness for the new gf (for her eventual suffering), pity that she got sucked in, and a small touch of hope that maybe retard boy learned not to treat people like walking pez dispensers. I'm angry that 6 years later and I still find his name associated with mine. He'll never have to go through that. When we got divorced he got the $250 grand house, with all bills paid, and no tie's to me. I got... a ton of debt (he racked it up) and his *barf* name strewn all over my records. What is the best way to get this out of my head? Other then getting his *vomit* name off the rest of my mailings... How do I stop feeling so angry over something I can't change? What do I do to get rid of the anger? And should I talk to my H about this? I've hinted at it before, but mostly kept my mouth shut about it. Unless it affects him directly, I didn't feel he needed to be burdened with it.
Ronni_W Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 I'm getting that most of your anger -- well, ALL of it, really -- is about the last name that you once had. Which, anger is a valid and acceptable emotion, and all of that. The thing is...you are being angry over something that you will never, ever be able to change. Doesn't matter what you do, up to and including jumping in front of the next biggest truck you see. Still don't change that you were once Mrs. Dickwad, unfortunately. So. Is there anyway that you can embrace and celebrate your status as EX-Mrs. Dickwad? -- focusing on the EX part, I mean. Cos it sure sounds like that is one helluva relief and cause to throw a BIG party! Yes? :bunny:
Art_Critic Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 Try and keep your current future and current husband in the forefront of your thoughts about life and moving forward... Realize that this anger will undoubtedly hurt your future with a person that isn't connected to your past. Placing the past in the past is the easiest way to move on.. Try and look at the issues over the name and mail as learning experiences that taught you a lesson and learn to laugh them off when they rear their ugly head.. If that doesn't work then go get a punching bag or a speed bag and paint his face on it
jerbear Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 If that doesn't work then go get a punching bag or a speed bag and paint his face on it I suggest Walk exercise her Second Amendment and just shoot a picture of the face on the bag.
sadintexas Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 Is all of this anger directed at him, or perhaps some at yourself? I would think the later personally. Everyone processes things at different rates, and I don't know your story, but since you are remarried, you have made significant motions in moving forward with your life. There's just something that's seriously stuck in the past after six years of seperation. I'd say maybe some counseling or serious introspection would help to get at the root issues here so you can let them go. I don't think it's the mail that has you so mad, but more so that it's a reminder of mistakes that were made and time that was lost.
Ronni_W Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 On second thought, you could also try changing your thoughts to the OTHER facts: He is an idiot-retard and a dickwad...but that was probably gonna be the case for him no matter WHAT his family name is. For him, it's not his family name that is his problem...there are probably MANY MORE people who share that name who are perfectly delightful (and not just his own family, I mean. Other same-named families around the globe.) So. Is there any way that you can separate his vomity personality traits and emotional retardation from his name...and connect your own experience to the perfectly fine name, not to the vomity aspects of his self? I agree with you, btw, that it isn't a thing to take to your current husband. If you can't get through it in another month or two, then your best bet likely would be to burden a counselor/therapists with it, instead.
Lauriebell82 Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 Is all of this anger directed at him, or perhaps some at yourself? I would think the later personally. Everyone processes things at different rates, and I don't know your story, but since you are remarried, you have made significant motions in moving forward with your life. There's just something that's seriously stuck in the past after six years of seperation. I'd say maybe some counseling or serious introspection would help to get at the root issues here so you can let them go. I don't think it's the mail that has you so mad, but more so that it's a reminder of mistakes that were made and time that was lost. I agree with this. I can understand why you are so angry, an ex bf of mine put me in massive amounts of credit card debt because of his own stupidity and I had to pay it off. Although my credit is fine now, I'm still angry that I let him do that to me. But I try to say to myself that I broke up with him and he is out of my life. I did manage to get away, and and found someone better. Thank goodness I did not marry him! I can't imagine what it would be like to have to deal with DIVORCING someone who hurt me like he did. I know how you feel about not being able to talk to your H about the situation. The few times I talked to my boyfriend about it he was understanding, but I think he was a little concerned that I couldn't let it go and be happy with him. I know the last name is a huge reminder and it brings back all the resentment that you have..but it's not your last name anymore. It may say so on some documents, but that is not you anymore! My best advice is to focus on the here and now. You are remarried and happy. You found someone else who treats you well, that's all that matters.
norajane Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 The name is just a symbol, not the problem. Had you never taken his name when you married, that marriage would still have been a mistake...would you hate your own name now if you had married Dickwad and kept your own name? It's still you...a rose by any other name would still have thorns. It should actually be easier for you to distance yourself from that time in your life this way - there's a clear separation from bad-decision-making Mrs. Dickwad and wiser-decision-making Mrs. New Hubby. I think your anger is with yourself, and that's what you are dealing with now, and that's why it's so hard for you to let it go. You dealt with your anger at him by divorcing him and moving on with your life and marrying someone better. But you're having trouble accepting that Mrs. Dickwad is also YOU and the result of your own choices, and every time you see that name or have to list it as part of your identity, it is a reminder of the mistakes you made. You want a clean slate and fresh start, but you aren't allowing yourself to feel clean and fresh because you hate that part of you that was taken in by Dickwad. The name is just a symbol - your anger is with yourself because the past is part of who you are and what made you who you are today. Acknowledge it, accept it, and don't give it so much power. You've moved on and corrected those bad decisions - it's long past time to forgive yourself!
Author Walk Posted November 9, 2008 Author Posted November 9, 2008 The name is just a symbol, not the problem. Had you never taken his name when you married, that marriage would still have been a mistake...would you hate your own name now if you had married Dickwad and kept your own name? It's still you...a rose by any other name would still have thorns. I wouldn't hate my maiden name if I'd kept it. But that's part of the reason the past annoys me so greatly... I changed my name as a gift to him and I did not give it lightly. I am still paying for that "gift". It's almost like buying your H a subscription to internet access and half a decade after divorcing him, the provider is still charging you every month. Except, you can't just call and cancel... you have to "prove" you're no longer with him, prove that you want no association with him, prove that you have a right to recind that gift. And by now that bill has stained your credit record... it's stuck there forever. The name is annoying. But it isn't the real issue. It's just something easy to point at and explain. It should actually be easier for you to distance yourself from that time in your life this way - there's a clear separation from bad-decision-making Mrs. Dickwad and wiser-decision-making Mrs. New Hubby. I think that's part of the problem though.. it's not easy to show a clear seperation. His names still on stuff. How could I say on X date I was free, when even today (nearly 6 years later) I'm still jumping through hoops to remove the ex from the things I own. I think your anger is with yourself, and that's what you are dealing with now, and that's why it's so hard for you to let it go. You dealt with your anger at him by divorcing him and moving on with your life and marrying someone better. But you're having trouble accepting that Mrs. Dickwad is also YOU and the result of your own choices, and every time you see that name or have to list it as part of your identity, it is a reminder of the mistakes you made. You want a clean slate and fresh start, but you aren't allowing yourself to feel clean and fresh because you hate that part of you that was taken in by Dickwad. The name is just a symbol - your anger is with yourself because the past is part of who you are and what made you who you are today. Acknowledge it, accept it, and don't give it so much power. You've moved on and corrected those bad decisions - it's long past time to forgive yourself! I think you're right about the last half of this. I'm angry at myself. But then I can't help but question how someone could put another human being through what he put me through. It's cruel. And to consider that he got out of the situation with a massive pay off, and a clean slate... well, I hate to say this, but I'd like to know he suffered and suffered bad for what I went through. I want to know he learned not to do that to others. I think it's a little like the anger you feel when a bully pushes you around for years, and then finally you get strong enough to fight back... but now the bully is some rich dude who gets to play all day. Even your ability to prove to yourself that you could fight back has been stolen. You end up feeling... ineffectual, impotent.
norajane Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 I think it's a little like the anger you feel when a bully pushes you around for years, and then finally you get strong enough to fight back... but now the bully is some rich dude who gets to play all day. Even your ability to prove to yourself that you could fight back has been stolen. You end up feeling... ineffectual, impotent. That's one of the hardest life lessons to bear - that life is unfair, and things don't always work out fairly. Leaving him may have been expensive, but wasn't it worth it? His coming out of it well off financially doesn't mean there's any love in his heart, love for others. Without that, he's ended up much worse off than you.
LakesideDream Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 Walk, Divorced a couple of years longer than you, and not lucky enough to have someone else. I "get" your anger, I too get stuff addressed to Mrs. Lakeside even after all this time. I just throw it in the trash. Because we have children in common (both closing in on 30) we still have occasional communication. Other than that, it's "who cares". I stopped hating when I realized early on that I was never getting back my 25 years, it was gone forever. And... when I began to understand that by being angry and upset I was handing her victories and power she didn't even know she had. That was totally unacceptable. Forget about the anger. Revel in the joy and profound good fortune you have with your new guy. You are blessed.
amaysngrace Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 Forget about the anger. Revel in the joy and profound good fortune you have with your new guy. You are blessed. take comfort in knowing that his house value probably depreciated.
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