anne1707 Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 For anybody out there considering having an affair, please don't do it. You will be making the biggest mistake of your life if you do. My husband and I are trying to recover from my affair and it is so hard and painful for us both with no guarantees that we can get through this. I look back now and see how weak and stupid I was to start the affair rather than deal with problems in my marriage. I thought the affair was real but it was not. It was empty and shallow. I can see that an affair of nearly three years was more like dating somebody for three months. You see an idealised version of a person and it is like a drug. Everything is new and exciting but it's not real life. I have risked my marriage for nothing. My husband and I are going through MC and I am also having IC. It is a slow and painful process but we want to work through this somehow. Rebuilding the relationship is so hard. The problems we had before the affair are now dwarfed by what I have done. I did the worst possible thing to my husband when I betrayed his trust in me. He may never trust me again and I cannot blame him for that. All I can do is try to prove to him that I do love him and that I want him and no one else. But that is so difficult. I mess up now and then as I try to recover from the affair but I have to accept that the pain I feel is nothing compared to what my husband feels. I hate what I have done to him. So please if you are tempted to start an affair, don't do it. If there are problems in your marriage - deal with them, face up to that and either sort them out with your spouse or end the marriage. An affair will only cause more pain than you can imagine. Marriage is not just about the good times. The key is how you deal with the bad times. You cannot spend a life time with somebody without some problems now and then. Please don't make my mistake. 2
Reggie Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 This is really good advice. I think many people have no idea just how painful this infidelity thing is for folks. I think the way it's glossed over and trivialized in books,on TV and in movies has folks beleiving it is not a big deal. And, it seems it is not really dealt with in premarital counseling. Good luck recovering. I hear it takes a long time and lots of work.
taylor Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 Anne, Just want to say thanks for this post. It is most heartfelt. I am where you are..in recovery...dealing with the identical thoughts and feelings. Good luck to you.
Author anne1707 Posted November 9, 2008 Author Posted November 9, 2008 This is really good advice. I think many people have no idea just how painful this infidelity thing is for folks. I think the way it's glossed over and trivialized in books,on TV and in movies has folks beleiving it is not a big deal. And, it seems it is not really dealt with in premarital counseling. Good luck recovering. I hear it takes a long time and lots of work. These last few months have probably been the most painful I have ever gone through. It is the same for my husband too. We both feel so tired and emotionally drained by all this but we still want to make our marriage work. We have setbacks - the last one was on Friday evening - but we are making progress, albeit very slow. But anything faster would be glossing over the problems and that is not going to help anybody. What is good is that we are making plans for the future now. It might only be 2 or 3 months into the future but that is a big deal to us both compared to how close we have been to breaking up at times. I also know that feelings I had for my husband are returning. I never stopped loving him but I guess I had put barriers up. Now that they are coming down, the feelings of being in love with my husband are growing. I actually don't think those feelings ever went but they were neglected. We are trying to do more things together, to talk about how we feel (and sometimes agree not to talk at times), support each other and tell each other how much we love each other. For a long time, my husband could not say those words - I had hurt him too much - but now he will and I feel so lucky that he has given me this chance. I cannot imagine spending my life with anyone else. 1
Dexter Morgan Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Good post. I don't think people realize the scar that is left from infidelity. I also don't think that the WS really understands that even if the marriage survives, that the WS is no longer seen in the same light any longer. Can it be good again? Maybe. But never completely at peace will the BS ever be again.
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