ohmydear Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 Me and my boyfriend were together for 2.5 years and broke up 2 months ago after months of not getting along. We never stopped contact. In fact we decided to take things really slow and try again. I thought we were doing really well into getting to know each other again and getting close again. This week alone we got together 3 times, he calls at least 4 times daily and we email daily. Well...............I then find out he is on a dating site he registered for after we split and that he has been talking to a few girls on there............STILL, even after we decided to try to work things out and agreed to not see other people WHILE we are working things out. (a friend recognized his pic on there and tipped me off in case you wanna know how I know about the site). I am distraught. I don't know why he is still on there. Is he still keeping his options open? Is he waiting to see if we work it out? How should I proceed? I was so confident things were going well. He says I love you before we hang up the phone, HE is the one who initiates the calls and mails. He said he wants us to work. What do I do?? Is he playing with my head or what the hell is going on!?
CarrieT Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 Have you asked him or are you just snooping around on his computer? What does *he* say about the reasons he is still on the sites? And if you haven't talked to him about it, how can you expect the relationship to work out if you both aren't being honest with each other?
Author ohmydear Posted November 8, 2008 Author Posted November 8, 2008 Have you asked him or are you just snooping around on his computer? What does *he* say about the reasons he is still on the sites? And if you haven't talked to him about it, how can you expect the relationship to work out if you both aren't being honest with each other? No he doesn't know that I know. I don't want him to know I know. Then he would think I am spying/stalking. I know this is all kinds of screwed up but I can't for the life of me understand why he is telling me he wants us to try again and says I love you to me daily, etc yet he is on this site.
Alex_M Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 Maybe those messages are old, maybe he's stopped. Maybe he's just making a backup plan so he doesn't feel crap if things don't work out. I think you should ask him about it.
Author ohmydear Posted November 8, 2008 Author Posted November 8, 2008 Maybe those messages are old, maybe he's stopped. Maybe he's just making a backup plan so he doesn't feel crap if things don't work out. It shows he was active on the site TODAY. I just don't understand any other reason other than backup plan like you said. BUT why would he agree that we would not see other people while trying to work it out yet be on a DATING site even if it doesn't say he is looking for dates and just looking for talk/email??? Why would he betray his promise to not see anyone else? Why would a man trying to work out a nearly 3 year relationship be looking for backup instead of putting his all into making a relationship work?
Alex_M Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 I don't know him and I don't wanna give you the wrong idea and make excuses for him. But i'll tell you what I think it would be if it was me. You will have to decide if it's sounds like something he would do. If it was me it might be that I had met some nice people to talk to and had started a few conversations, they could be perfectly innocent. If it were me I could have just found someone that was fun to talk to and made me feel better about myself and wouldn't realise it mattered to much to you. It can also be that it puts him in a stronger place. Maybe he feels weak being so emotional because of someone else. I know I sure do. Maybe it gives him the strength he needs, knowing he can have a laugh with another female, even if it means nothing to him. That might not be a good thing but it's just an idea. I hate the idea that I can be so emotionally reliant on my ex. It feels like I can't enjoy myself with out her around. Which makes it all 100x worse.
Author ohmydear Posted November 8, 2008 Author Posted November 8, 2008 I don't know him and I don't wanna give you the wrong idea and make excuses for him. But i'll tell you what I think it would be if it was me. You will have to decide if it's sounds like something he would do. If it was me it might be that I had met some nice people to talk to and had started a few conversations, they could be perfectly innocent. If it were me I could have just found someone that was fun to talk to and made me feel better about myself and wouldn't realise it mattered to much to you. It can also be that it puts him in a stronger place. Maybe he feels weak being so emotional because of someone else. I know I sure do. Maybe it gives him the strength he needs, knowing he can have a laugh with another female, even if it means nothing to him. That might not be a good thing but it's just an idea. I hate the idea that I can be so emotionally reliant on my ex. It feels like I can't enjoy myself with out her around. Which makes it all 100x worse. Thanks for male input on what might be going through his head. It gives me something to consider. I know how you are feeling about your ex. It just totally sucks. You will find here people on this board loads of people will advise you to have no contact with your ex and I know they are right but if you are like me you won't be able to do that. But I seriously thought me an my ex were mutually working on getting back together so that makes it all the more confusing. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I have grown obsessed with the whole situation and long to get back to a good place with him yet remain frozen in fear that I wont. I feel so sad that a person who loved and adored me could be fine without me, and I feel lost.
Alex_M Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 Thanks for male input on what might be going through his head. It gives me something to consider. I know how you are feeling about your ex. It just totally sucks. You will find here people on this board loads of people will advise you to have no contact with your ex and I know they are right but if you are like me you won't be able to do that. But I seriously thought me an my ex were mutually working on getting back together so that makes it all the more confusing. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I have grown obsessed with the whole situation and long to get back to a good place with him yet remain frozen in fear that I wont. I feel so sad that a person who loved and adored me could be fine without me, and I feel lost. I feel exactly like you do . Can't eat, can't sleep. "I have grown obsessed with the whole situation and long to get back to a good place with him yet remain frozen in fear that I wont." especially. How did you guys get to the "give it another try" stage? I also can't just let her go.
Author ohmydear Posted November 8, 2008 Author Posted November 8, 2008 Thats just it.....we NEVER stopped contact and within a couple weeks of the breakup were already discussing getting back together but after discovering the dating site thing I feel back to square one and heartbroken all over again.
Alex_M Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 Ah ok, well my girl seems to show no interest and it seems over in her eyes. So don't miss your chance!
Author ohmydear Posted November 8, 2008 Author Posted November 8, 2008 It sounds like she got frustrated with the lack of attention. Trust me I understand that one, me and my guys biggest problems stemmed from me being need and craving constant attention from him. NOT AT ALL saying you should give her your 24/7 attention, but I sort of understand where she is coming from BUT maybe you can show her a more romantic you. I dont know without more information.
Alex_M Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 I tried offering more attention, but she seemed to take it the wrong way. She was like why are you doing this NOW you didn't do it before. Do you have any insight on this? Does she think i'm being fake? Does she think it's too little to late and she's made her decision? I suggested taking her on holiday and taking her by the river for fireworks, she said somthinglike "hmm yeah that would be nice" but then when I suggested a date, she avoided it. Feel free to ask anyquestions
Author ohmydear Posted November 8, 2008 Author Posted November 8, 2008 I tried offering more attention, but she seemed to take it the wrong way. She was like why are you doing this NOW you didn't do it before. Do you have any insight on this? Does she think i'm being fake? Does she think it's too little to late and she's made her decision? I suggested taking her on holiday and taking her by the river for fireworks, she said somthinglike "hmm yeah that would be nice" but then when I suggested a date, she avoided it. Feel free to ask anyquestions pm me your email addy if you would like
Alex_M Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 I'm not sure how. How do I send a PM on this site?
D-Lish Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 That whole being on a dating site when you had a history of 2.5 years together and are currently trying to work things out... well, it isn't cool. I disagree about the whole chatting with a few "nice girls" scenario. he's checking his options for sure and that isn't fair to you. I think you MUST address it. If your friend saw him on there- then it's not like you were snooping or anything. The bottom line is that if you guys are trying to work things out, then he has no business chatting up other girls on a dating site. There may be an addiction factor going on. I know I am that way with online dating. I get addicted to the "you have mail" thing. BUT, I don't message anyone unless I am interested in them romantically. Tell him what you know- if you guys are going to sort out your relationship, him being on there is an obstacle that NEEDS addressing. There is no trust unless you tackle that issue.
Author ohmydear Posted November 8, 2008 Author Posted November 8, 2008 I can't figure out pm either, lol. my email is [email protected]
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