Glamorous Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 Sometimes I really don't know what is wrong with me. I am very bi-sexual female. I have actually tried to sit down and decide if I prefer men or women because I am sick of my behavior and inability to remain faithful for a long period of time. I dated a woman for 2 years then cheated on her with a guy. I left her, (she never had any idea I cheated) and started seeing the guy. I dated and lived with that guy for about 5 years and never cheated but the last 3 years we pretty much lived as roommates and best friends, my sex drive dwindled to almost nothing and I didn't want to have sex with him anymore. Year 5 with him, I started seeing a woman and left him for her. He didn't know I was seeing someone else and she didn't know I had a boyfriend. I chalked this up that I was secretly more into women and didn't really know it. Now just 2 years in the relationship with this woman who is madly in love with me, I got those urges to be with a man again!! I just wish the urges would GO away!! So now I find myself having a sexual and emotional relationship with a married man behind my girlfriend's unsuspecting back. The affair with this married guy is extremely intense and the sex is out of this world -- supernatural! Part of me is happy with this situation because I don't have to worry about the relationship with the man going anywhere because he's married. Because the sex with this man is so fulfilling, I start questioning how lesbian I am and feel so guilty for continuing to get in relationships with women. The worse part is, I always date exceptionally wonderful people. They are always honest, loyal, kind and caring and always really love me, often to the point they are a bit obsessed with me and treat me like gold yet, I continue to do stuff like this behind their back. I must be fairly good at it, because I have never once been caught. So the married man has children and insists he doesn't want to divorce his wife but he is now saying he is very much in love with me. The sick part is I love the fact that this man is in love with me and thinks about me constantly. I am a lot more physically attractive than his wife, so he treats me like a goddess, almost worshipful. All of it is quite an aphrodisiac to me. So here's the sick thing I am wondering about myself. Am I uncapable of truly falling in love with someone? Or do I just love BEING LOVED? If so, why do I cheat on people who love me??? Are there any women out there who find themselves in this sort of situation?? I don't really know why I am posting any of this. I am a fun, intelligent attractive women who has a good career and makes a very good living. This is one part of myself that I can't stand. I will do good for a few years and then back I go to my evil ways. I have always been confused by my sexuality, yet I am so sexual. I think I am addicted to that extreme sex you have the first years in relationships. Sometimes I think maybe I am addicted to "falling in love" and for people "falling in love with me." I really don't have a clue what my problem is. I never do one night stands. I always tend to get in relationships with the people I sleep with and I am choosy as to who I sleep with. I have always been the one who leaves relationships and generally I have someone waiting in the sidelines when I do. Usually the people I date are very very in love with me and very hurt when I up and leave. I do not get depressed or lonely. I am a very happy person. I would say I am very healthy in every aspect of my life but this. I just have this one rotten spot in me that doesn't go away! My girlfriend would be absolutely devastated if she knew what me and this guy were up to. I am enjoying what I am doing with this married man so much, I don't see myself stopping. Sorry this is so long. I'm hoping to see that maybe there are other women who find themselves in the same cycle as I am.
carhill Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 To me, monogamy and sexuality are separate issues. I can be attracted to everyone, including the neighbor's horses and sheep, but choose to be monogamous... does that make sense? IMO, promiscuity in such circumstances is indicative of a personal psychological issue or issues rather than being a function of bi-sexuality. Would you agree? Have you ever received psychological counseling?
norajane Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 It's time to find a therapist and spend some serious time working through your issues. I'm hardly an expert, but it sounds like you have fear of commitment, a HUGE need for validation (which you get through sex and through relationships with people who adore you), a remarkable disregard for honesty and personal integrity within relationships (which could very well be tied to fear of intimacy, emotional and intellectual intimacy), fear of being alone, lack of boundaries, a narcissistic disregard for the effects of your actions on other people (married man's wife, and your partners who trust you and love you)...for starters! No way any of us here can figure out which of those issues is driving you, or what combination, much less how to sort through them all and resolve them. Bisexuality, on the other hand, is the least of your problems. If you were hetero, you'd still be doing all of this cheating and lying and running away from relationships, you'd just stick to one sex.
Holding-On Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 Sigh. Well I think you must have some regard for other people or you would not have come here and you would not have asked about your problem. Since, apparently, you have not been caught yet it would seem the concern about your behavior is coming from within. So that is a positive. You can build on that if you want to. This is perhaps not the forum to discuss non-monogamous relationships so I will only share with you briefly my husband's experience. My husband is bisexual. As he explained it to his lover (in front of me), "it is hard to be truly bisexual without being poly" However, the manner in which my husband goes about this is far different than what you are doing. He is very honest right up front. He looks for people who are also poly. He avoids people whose spouse/SO he cannot meet (i.e. conventionally married people). He is very careful with both sexual protection and other people's feelings. FYI that new feeling, that chemical feeling is usually termed "NRE" (new relationship energy). It is discussed quite a bit on polyamorous forums. Do you want to have any permanent sexual relationships? Maybe you don't. Just because it is sold with the nightly news does not mean YOU are wired that way. Some men who would say they are permanent bachelors. Some women would say they are permanent spinsters. So with that in mind you might seek a bi-sexual friendly therapist and work out some of the issues you have presented in this post: Why do you avoid being honest with your loved ones and engage in emotionally dangerous behavior? Do you have trouble with empathy? Can you imagine how your partners would feel? Do you experience remorse for putting them in potential physical (STDs) and emotional (long term trust issues) danger without their consent? Good luck to you.
Trialbyfire Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 No offense but you sound more like the bride of Frankenstein, from an emotional construct perspective. Kind of like every man's worse nightmare. You don't sound terribly bothered by all this so I ask you why you're on LS.
carhill Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 As long as everyone is disclosed, I think polyamory is really cool for those who desire it. Disclosure is the important thing. Since it's a healthy choice for some, there's no need to be less than completely open, IMO. Perfectly normal to have desires and feelings. Behaviors and actions are what affect others and need to be examined. I hope the OP can find her path
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