lumbuger Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 I've been lurking the site and trying to understand my situation (she wants a separation, needs to think, etc...). The site has some great stories and some people really put their heart out there. I do want to tell my story, it isn't unique but getting it out may help so if you got a minute sit back and let me tell you something you've most likely heard before. I am 45 and she just turned 30, we've been married since 7/06 but have lived together since 2002. She has a daughter (11) from a previous marriage and I have 3 sons from a previous marriage, my youngest (13) moved in with us about a year ago. He's in counseling for depression and being a cutter. He is so much better now and hasn't cut in months that I can tell but I think the wife is afraid for her daughter, she shelters her anything and everything. He plays RPG games and I guess his style is maybe that of punk/emo. About 6 months ago we began seeing a counselor, all the issues brought up were my deficiencies, I didn't do this or that. I do know our sex had dropped off the face of the earth there for a while, sex once a month or less. However, I am not 100% to blame and one of our biggest problems was communication. Then one weekend she sends me an email asking to separate, I know I shouldn't have been but I was devastated! One of my first thoughts was I should have taken what the counselor said more seriously than I did! We talked about it and agreed to try another counselor and give it a few more months. After 3 sessions the counselor turned out to be quite the prick with his remarks, I mentioned my dislike but they kept coming. Just before the 3rd session she decided she would move out (house is in her name only) to give her some time to think Well, since then she has found a place, is slated to move in 29th. She has yet to tell her daughter about the situation. I told my son as he has been great with helping me ease some of the tension around the house. I think my son being there is one of the issues that have brought me to this point but I will not make him leave to keep the wife. I just don't know what she wants if she has issues with him. He is a very smart kid and she just doesn't understand him I think. Since the begging of counseling I have worked towards being a better husband, listening to her, doing things around the house, cooking dinner, etc... I've always done laundry, some bathrooms, and everything in the yard. But all seems to not matter, it seems like she wants out and nothing will change that. I've tried to understand her and her needs but I am pretty dumb when it comes to people and their needs I think. I basically have no friends other than family and co-workers so the internet has been the silent counselor for me so far. At lease my current wife didn't leave me and let me come home to a bare house and a goodbye letter like my first wife did; which happen coincidently this week 11 years ago. I guess I wonder why, is she having a mid life crisis, is she thinking of another, does she not love me, does she fear my son around her daughter, what is it that has made her want a separation. She still says I love you, we have sex, and we go out. She says there is no one else so I can only hope she is telling me the truth that there is currently no one else
quankanne Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 she might be thinking this is the best way to deal with the stress in your household, rather than trying to find a true solution, I'm just guessing here. that said, I'm glad that you and your son have the kind of open relationship you do – that you're able to be honest with him about your wife moving out, and that he will be much better equipped with dealing with this event because of your honesty, than her daughter might be since it'll be sprung on her like a bad surprise. as hard as this is, take comfort in knowing that you went above and beyond – it's easy to not do anything, just point fingers, but you truly worked at trying to improve things. I know it isn't enough to make a difference when one of the partners is intent on leaving, but you chose the high road when you really didn't have to. And that says a lot about your character. good luck, and know that the folks at the 'Shack are here when you need them. q
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