Remorse vs Guilt

[DealingWDrama]

I have been having a hard time trying to see if my H is really remorseful or just caught up in the guilt of it all....I found this and wanted to share it

• Real remorse means seeing the pain you caused someone, and reaching out to make it better. Feeling bad for the person in pain.
  
• A person who feels guilt rather than remorse sees the pain of others (that they inflicted) as judgment, condemnation, and feels bad for themselves. What they feel for the person in pain is anger - anger for showing them what they don't want to see (the consequences of their actions). Someone who feels remorse for doing a bad thing will always consider the thing they did to be bad.
  
• Bad feelings associated with guilt are situational, and change with circumstances.
  
• Someone really remorseful doesn't want to repeat a harmful action - they aren't even tempted to. Real remorse means never doing it again, self accountability.
  
• Someone who feels guilty can still repeat the actions causing the guilt, precisely to escape the guilt. The only way to end feelings of guilt is self accountability - guilt happens when someone runs from it.
  
• Remorse says "I'm sorry I hurt you".
  
• Guilt says "stop making me feel bad for what I did".
  
• Remorse cares more about the one wounded. They don't care about others holding them accountable because they already hold themselves accountable.
  
• Guilt worries more about how the wounded one makes them appear in the eyes of others. They feel their self image is being attacked. They do worry about others holding them accountable because they shirk self accountability.
  
• Remorse means learning from one's harmful actions.
  
• Guilt means not even facing what one has done, so learning from it isn't likely.
  
• Remorse means leaving the harmful actions one did in the past, but not forgetting them.
  
• Guilt carries harmful actions around, keeping them ever present, by attempting to avoid dealing with them. They will always be ever present, a thorn in ones side, looming large and affecting one's life until faced and dealt with. This is self inflicted torture - although a person struggling with guilt will blame others.
  
• Remorse leads to the ability to forgive the self.
  
• Guilt leads to self hatred.
  
• Remorse is action, actively doing something about the harm one caused.
  
• Guilt is feeling self pity and doing nothing about the harm one caused.
  

[Geishawhelk]

Interesting.

I would go along with this.

Guilt is destructive,

Remorse should be constructive.

It isn't always.

But Guilt is always destructive.

 

Where d'you get it by the way?

[2sure]

Wow. Excellent definitions. I would say this goes a long way in explaining the feelings of the WS. In my case, the first time he cheated, my husband cried, begged, etc. He felt so bad. When it happened again, I couldnt understand how he could have felt so bad, yet done it again. Because he felt guilty, not really remorseful.

 

I LOVE this post. Its true. And added to the fact the consequences of an A MUST affect the WS....this should be in a handbook.

[Agent_99]

Thank you for posting this. It has helped me to clarify some things in my mind about the MW I had an affair with. I think her recent attempts to be friendly with me are about guilt and not remorse for the way she treated me at the end of things. I realize that she doesn't care so much how it made me feel, but more that me feeling bad and upset and angry, made her feel guilty, so in trying to smooth things over with me, she doesn't have to feel recriminated for the hurt that she caused me.

 

Interestingly enough, it probably applies to her real relationship too, as she IS STILL trying to be my friend, despite the fact that if her gf found out it would be the end of their relationship. So she tells gf that she is avoiding me, at yet she seeks me out at work and at the college.

 

Thank you again for posting this, I have been struggling for a day or two trying to figure out if I could let some sort of friendship between us remain/rebuild. and I think that it is not possible. I can relate to remorse, but not the guilt, based on these definitions. Her trying to be friendly is a way of her trying to relieve her guilt over everything, and NOT her being remorseful and rebuild a friendship gone horribly wrong.

 

Besides the fact that I just can't be party to decieving someone else about their life anymore. If MW could tell gf that we are going to be casual friends it might be different, but that isn't going to happen. And no matter what I feel for her, I can't lower myself anymore to the point where I am an active participant in something (even a friendship) that leads to such deep levels of deception.

 

As to your situation, I think it is a very good thing to explore, so that you at least understand your husbands character at a deeper level. I have followed your story since you started posting and I think that you have a good grasp on the situation, but need to understand what happened and could it ever happen again. In the area of trust, is it going to be possible for you two to rebuild that.

 

~99

[DealingWDrama]

That's a good question 99 - it takes from 2 to 5 years for a relationship to recover from infedelity...we will see. Time, blessing, and healing...