TheRock Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 I've been dating "Jane" for over two years (I'm 37 she's 31). Our 1st 8-9 months were great. She made all the moves taking it to the next level (Saying I love you, can't wait to wake up next to me everyday, etc). All was good up until her 30th B-day. She went out with friends (I was working), got drunk and had to be picked up by her father from the bar. Her Dad is very controlling in her life. He gives her guilt trips, tells her what to do and puts her in a bad mood, which trickles into our life. i.e. She'll come over to my place depressed and upset all the time. It took the romance out of the relationship compared to what it was. His attitude has made her question whether she wants to ever get married, yet she can't bring herself to admit that his involvement in her life is what's causing our friction and her depression. I pushed her to move in and she wasn't ready. She wants to get out of her parent's house first. She's been trying for 1 year now. Even tried to get her own apartment, but he talked her out of it. I asked her again to move in and pre-maturely brought up marriage and our future. She panicked and has been distant for about a year and a few months now. Still have sex and a decent relationship, but not what it was. Her need for independence from her dad is trickling into her whole life, like she's trying to show me she's independent. I think she just doesn't believe it herself. We had a big blowout and she said she loves me and is tired of fighting and doesn't want to fight with me. She wonders if we can get back to where we were and assured me she wants to, but if she's not pleasing me and we're going to keep fighting over it, then maybe we should just date and not be "serious" cause she can't take the pressure anymore. Emotionally, I'm ready to get married, she's not. Financially, I want to wait a year or two. (I had a late start in life). She has difficulty believing that I'm not ready to get married yet, since I brought it up before. After thinking the last few weeks, I realize I'm not ready yet. Is there a way to convince her that I'm not ready yet, so she doesn't think I'm just saying it? How do we get the magic back that we had?
2sure Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 Getting back the Spark. You know, usually it is people already married, or living together, or in a longer relationship that need to do this. Your relationship has not really progressed past dating, for whatever reason. Sometimes, people wait so long to get married that the relationship plateaus before it goes to the next level. First - there is absolutely nothing wrong with having an agenda!! You should have one. Anyone without one is without goals. At this point in your life (approaching 40) you should have goals and be working aggressively towards them. Owning a home, having a family, a mate....are NATURAL and NORMAL goals. For her family to suggest otherwise, or that it is underhanded....is not normal. Next, your gf is an adult. Not newly adult. 31/32. The fact or opinion that her father is controlling is minor compared to the fact that she is still financially dependent on him. All of us have had issues with our parents and upbringing. But once you are in your 30s...your problems are your own. This is not her fathers problem or fault. Your gf has no goals, doesnt see herself as ready to be independent of her parents....at over 30. This isnt about getting the spark back. You have goals, she doesnt. You cant move past dating. Have you thought of the possibility of looking for someone who has goals similar to your own?
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