wockwilf Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 Hello everyone, This is my first post on these boards. I am not exactly sure if I am in the right place or not, but these boards looked like they might help, so I thought I would give it a shot. I apologize that this is a long post, but I have quite the story to tell. First, let me introduce myself. My name is Craig and I am 23 years old. I am a recent graduate of college (6 months ago). I have been with my girlfriend for just over a year and a half now. We have been through more chaos than most relationships see in years. I guess I will start from the beginning. Ever since middle school I have been in and out of relationships constantly. I had many girlfriends in high school, despite not being great looking and being somewhat of a nerd. I went to college and did not find a single girl who I liked or who liked me for years. I tried desperately and fell into quite a depression after many failures. Finally, in the middle of my junior year of college I met a girl online through a game we both played. We started out talking about quite sexual things and eventually moved onto getting to know each other. She was married with three kids and was in a terrible relationship. She got pregnant when she was 18, her husband was abusive, their marriage was on the rocks, etc. We continued talking about our lives for about four months with each other. Every day we grew closer and even started to have feelings for each other. I tried helping her through things and even got occasional crying calls from her in the middle of the night after her husband beat her. She would beg me not to call the police, so I didn't. I didn't know what to do. Looking back, I probably should have acted different. But alas, I talked her through things, we grew closer, and one weekend before he went on a business trip they verbally separated and she came to visit me. We had a lot of fun, she stayed with me, and we had sex. Looking back again, this was probably a bad thing to do. We were both pretty depressed and I think we just impulsively wanted it to happen. When they both got home that weekend, they legally separated, and he took the kids since he could better provide for them. He moved in with his parents and she skipped between their house, her parents, and my apartment. This lasted the three months of the summer while she looked for a job and they tried to sell their house. She ended up getting a job where I lived and got an apartment there. During my senior year, we lived separately, but slept in the same bed most every night. We got to know each other a lot better and fell in love. I met her kids, and loved them too. She went through some of the hardest times of her life and I was always there to help her through. I helped pay for her food (since I worked while in school) and various other things. Unfortunately it was during this time I also learned some negative things about her. She had been raped twice in her life, she got panic attacks all the time, she frequently had them in her sleep and stopped breathing, etc. I took her to the hospital and gave her mouth to mouth on multiple occasions. It probably only made my love for her stronger. I graduated, got a job, and we officially moved in together in our new town. She quit her job. We have two pets together. The kids live with us a lot of the summer. I still love them and love being in their lives. They are not a negative at all for us (except that we don't have more time with them). She has a new job in our new town and both of our jobs are going well. I make much more money than her, since I have a degree, but overall the money is fine now. Since we have lived together she has done very little to help out. She sleeps all the time, she is always tired, she rarely helps out with any of the chores, she doesn't cook, etc. We end up spending more money because we eat out a lot, I do most or all of the cleaning. I take care of our two pets (dog and cat). We argue once per week, but I usually give in at the end of the day and say I am sorry to keep her from having a panic attack in her sleep. We still love each other, but some days I regret ever meeting her. Some days I feel like I would be better off without her. On our good days I wouldn't rather be with anyone else in the world. On our bad days I would give anything to never have to see her again. She wants me to marry her within the next six months and then start trying for a baby. She would have wanted it already if I wouldn't have put my foot down. I think I am too young for marriage or kids and I think that we need more time to make sure things fit. I don't want to have to make her go through another divorce, especially if we have kids. I am not sure if I want to be with her forever or not yet, and she takes that terribly. Any time I am forced to say I am not ready for marriage or kids yet, she throws a fit and has a panic attack. I have debated breaking up with her on multiple occasions and even tried to some days. The problem is that if I leave her, she will have almost nothing. She will have to live with her parents, who she doesn't get along with. She would have to quit her job and find a new one. She would lose "the best thing in her life" (me). She has even said some days that she would kill herself if she lost me. She has shown suicidal tendencies before, but I am not certain that she would ever do it. I am scared that I am losing my life. I am scared that she will drive me down into a life that I don't want. I care about her so much and don't want to see her hurt. I want us to be happy together, but she seems to only want to get what she wants, when she wants it. I don't know what to do. We have already been to couples counseling. It helped, but was too expensive and we didn't think we still needed it. I don't know what to do. I would appreciate any help or advice you have for me. Whether it is to stay together or break up, it doesn't matter. What do you think I should do? What should I say? How can I help her? How can I help me? Thanks for reading. Sorry it was so long.
amaysngrace Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 She's emotional baggage. That's why you feel drained. She takes more than she gives and that leaves you empty. That sucks. Has she ever been to individual counseling to help her cope with the rapes?
Author wockwilf Posted November 7, 2008 Author Posted November 7, 2008 Yes, she is currently going to counseling once a week, but she says it isn't helping and she wants to stop going.
amaysngrace Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 Yes, she is currently going to counseling once a week, but she says it isn't helping and she wants to stop going. Maybe she needs a new counselor? Does she see someone who deals with rape or abuse? I wouldn't have a baby with her or marry her if I were you until she gets past her past. Otherwise you will have an unhealthy person as your wife and the mother of your child. Think about your needs first for a change.
Author wockwilf Posted November 7, 2008 Author Posted November 7, 2008 Maybe she needs a new counselor? Does she see someone who deals with rape or abuse? I wouldn't have a baby with her or marry her if I were you until she gets past her past. Otherwise you will have an unhealthy person as your wife and the mother of your child. Think about your needs first for a change. I agree. It's just hard for me because it hurts her so much when I say something like that. I think she does need a new counselor and will definitely suggest that if this one doesn't work out. I think she is just mainly discouraged with the whole thing because she has been to many counselors in her life and has been on many different drugs to try to help. Unfortunately thus far, not a whole lot has.
amaysngrace Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 I think she is just mainly discouraged with the whole thing because she has been to many counselors in her life and has been on many different drugs to try to help. Unfortunately thus far, not a whole lot has. I personally like psychotherapists or plain old counselors. No shrinks. Shrinks are worthless IMO. They just sit there and doodle and when the hour's up they give you a script for meds. She's needs to talk out her problems to someone who listens.
Author wockwilf Posted November 7, 2008 Author Posted November 7, 2008 I personally like psychotherapists or plain old counselors. No shrinks. Shrinks are worthless IMO. They just sit there and doodle and when the hour's up they give you a script for meds. She's needs to talk out her problems to someone who listens. Yeah, she is going to a plain old counselor. Her doctor is the one that put her on drugs.
Author wockwilf Posted November 13, 2008 Author Posted November 13, 2008 Well, kind of dissapointed that no one else replied. Anyway, I thought I would post an update to see if anyone else would help me out... I talked to her today. I told her that I was not willing to get married until she proved to me that she could help out around the apartment with chores, dinner, etc. I told her that I wanted it to be an equal partnership and that I would be willing to help out with at least half of the stuff, but I wasn't willing to do everything, like I do now. We both work eight hours a day, I have a harder and more stressful job than her. I have a longer drive to work. Her response was that she "was f*cked". She said that's the same complaint that her husband had about her and she was never able to change out of it. I said that everyone could change, to wich she responded that I then did not accept her for who she was. That made me feel like crap and I let her know about it. She seemed to think I deserved it, but said she was glad I spoke my mind. We continued to talk and I told her how great I think she does with her kids and such. She says that's because the only time she has the energy to do things is when she is in "mom mode". Now, I can somewhat understand that, but if she is able to do things with three kids running around, I don't see why she can't do things after a day of work. Maybe I am just a guy and don't get it. The thing is, I hate that any time I bring up a criticism she makes it out that I am a bad person for it. She gets all upset and won't talk. I am incredibly discouraged and can honestly say that the main thing keeping me with her at this very moment is that it would be so complicated to break up with her. I feel like we are going nowhere because she is unwilling to help out in any way (or as she says "change to meet my needs"). I just don't know what to do... I love her with all of my heart. I am what is keeping her stable. If we broke up, I honestly don't know what would happen to her. All I want is for her to help out around the house and make things equal between us. Is that too much to ask?
Recommended Posts