condoms in car!!!

[cc123]

hey everyone, i recently posted about my boyfriend who has been abusive emotionally and physically as well. we have been together over 2 years and he has lied alot about stupid things. for example, i SAW him with my own eyes at school take pills his friend handed to him..then before class i ask him " did you take any pills today your eyes are looking weird?" and he looks me in the eyes and says "NO" and then gives me a kiss and says he loves me. so i go to class FURIOUS because i SAW him and i knew he had just lied to me. so i text him and say "why did you just lie, i saw you take them this morning" and he replies " well they didnt even mess me up at all so its like i never even took them" and i say " but you did, and i asked and you lied" well i got over it because i love him

 

then one morning i go to his apartment before school (he didnt know i was coming, but i had left a book) i walk in and i am very quite and i go into his room and i see him sitting at the computer watching porn and jacking off!! i was SO MAD because early in are relationship i told him that i did not like that and would not be with a guy who did that behind my back. he then tells me that he heard me open the door so he " pulled it up really fast as a joke" and of course i dont belive that because you cant pull up a movie and get hard that fast, and plus i was SOOO quite coming in, i know he didnt hear. and i look at the comp and there is SOOO many pages up like he has been doing it for a while. and then after the whole day of him telling me that he heard me come in and swearing on it, he finally admits he didnt hear me and that he was doing it because he was horny and he was "thinking of me the whole time" ...ya right. anyways, he SWEARS never to do it again and i forgive him. but i am still upset he lied all day about him hearing me instead of just admiting it on the spot.

 

so a week later i go on his computer to check my email and i see that the most recent thing he has googled was more porn!!! i was so upset because why is he lying? i even told him i would love to watch it together. so i tell him what i find when he gets home and he says he typed it in google because he was horny for me but that he didnt do anything or watch it because once he pulled it up he said he felt really bad because he knew i would be hurt....BUT he also knew i would be hurt the first time since we had discussed this early in the relationship so why did it feel ok the first time even though you knew i would be hurt. my thing is that you shouldnt do anything that you wouldnt do with your SO standing behind you. so it was hard but i sayed ok well he didnt watch it because he felt bad so i tried to get over it, but then again he might have watched it and jacked off but since i didnt walk in and he had deleted the histroy that he just sayed that to make me feel better because he thought i wouldnt see it.

 

so then i tell him that i am really hurt with his lies and if he does it again to TELL ME, so a few days later right as im getting on the computer he tells me that he pulled it up and im like WHAT!?!? and he sayed " you said its ok if i tell you and im telling you right now" and again he sayed he didnt watch it, just typed it in.. and i think he was so baffled as to how i found it on the computer the 2nd time since he deleted the history that he typed it in again and then deleted the history again as well because he wanted to see how i would still find it...so i was mad but i really do think that is why he did it because he wanted to see how i could find the deleted history.

 

so anyways we go away to alaska to work for the summer and we fight alot and he goes out alot all night without me and hangs out with girls and drinks but he says he NEVER cheated and NEVER would and i knew the girls so it wasnt so bad, but i know if i EVER was hanging out with a guy alone and drunk he would flip out big time. so while we are in alaska i tell him over and over that he lied about the porn 3 times already and disrespected and hurt me so that once we get back home i will leave if i ever find it again. the 2nd week we are back home is when he gets his computer working and i was over, i left around 3 and he was alone the rest of the day, i came back over that night and stayed the night and in the morning i was having a bad feeling so while he dressed for work i turn on the computer and i find that right after i left he looked at porn!!!!!! i couldnt belive it. i was so heartbroken that after months in alaska of him promising to never do it again he does, right after i leave!! why didnt he have sex with me before i left if he was horny. i was soooooo mad and i sayed that i was going to leave if i found it again so why would he do it again?!!? he sayed he didnt know why he brought it up adn that he was stupid but he was upset about the fight we had before i left that he typed it in so that i would see it and be upset.

 

now why one earth would he want to hurt me on purpose? i was so mad but again being the forgiving person i am, i let it go. so the next week is bad and we fight alot and the morning before i am supposed to leave for a week long trip i try to turn on the computer and its all unlugged, so i wait until he leaves to take the trash out and i quickly plug it in and turn it on, i only had a minute so i didnt get to look in detail but i found that the last thing he typed in was porn!! he comes back inside and i ask him about it and again he sayed he typed it in and unplugged it so i wouldnt see it until i got back from my trip and that he didnt even watch it but he wanted to make me mad when i got back becasue i made him mad earlier when we were fighting.

 

so i go away on the trip and i come home and he is acting all nice and sweet and whatever, but we soon start fighting again over him lying to me and the porn and i cant understand why he would do that on purpose to make me upset, and more then once too?! a few days later i go to his apartment and i instal a spything to keep track of the history. he saw it and got pissed of so the next night before i get over he typed it in again to make me mad but this time he played a ton of videos because he knew that with the spy thing i would be able to see and watch them. i go over and i see it all and watch it all and i am so hurt because why does he keep doing this to hurt me. he knows it is the one thing that i hate the most and he keeps doing it to hurt me. just becasue he is mad that i installed the spy thing doesnt mean he has to do that, he should be trying to earn my trust back!!

 

so again we fight and a week later i leave for the weekend and again he swears and pinky promises not to do it again which he has done after everytime i have found it, even though he says he wasnt watching just typing it so that i would see it and be hurt. i get back from the weekend trip and i ask him if he looked at it. he says no, i check the comp and i see that he had deleted the history off the spy thing from the days i was away.. he said it deleted itself..ya right. anyways i dont find it on the internet so i say ok fine. a few days later i find out that while i was on my trip he had downloaded it from limewire, not the internet and watched it. i look at them all and all the girls in the ones he downloaded were very ugly and some of the movies were only a few seconds long, there where like 10 of them. when he gets home i calmy ask, did you look at porn while i was on my trip and he says no. then i say, why is it on limewire then? and he says he didnt download any from limewire and he doesnt know why its there. and im like HELLOO YES YOU DID, ITS RIGHT HERE!!! and so finally after saying no no no he says he did it because we had gotten in a fight on the phone, like usual, and he was so mad at me that he needed to do something that he knew hurt me so that he could feel better, but that he didnt jack off to it or anything. okay so now this is the 7th time he has lied about it, and the 4th time since we got back from alaska that he has done it to PURPOSELY make me mad (or so he says, for all i know he could be watching and jacking off to it) i am so furious. if you love someone you respect them and you dont try to do things you know they will see just because you want them to be mad like you were over a fight. thats so mean. thats like me cheating on him and that saying, oh sorry i was mad that you hurt me so i wanted to do the one thing i knew would hurt you the most.

 

now, the last time i found any was one month ago and he says he is sorry for doing it to make me mad and he will stop for real this time..(i will believe when i see it) but then this morning he is driving me home but he runs back up to his apartment to get something and i stay in the car, i usually glance through his car alot just to see..and i look in the pocket behind the driver seat and i find a bunch of CONDOMS!!! i get out of the car and see him and ask him what is this?!!?! (we dont use condoms ever by the way so he shouldn't have them) and he says he doesn't know and that they were probably his friends who borrowed his truck to move.

 

okay so his friend did borrow his truck to move like 2 weeks ago and im pretty sure i looked in that pocket since and nothing was there, im not 100% sure thought that i looked there since but i think i did. he has been very weird lately and calls me to come over very late after going out and he has been lying about who is all there when he goes out and sometimes he even says he didn't go out but then i find a text implying he did and he will be like "i only went for half an hour" but if i ask he should have told me, even if it was only a half hour, i asked and he said he didnt go anywhere. thats a lie in my book. so you see there are alot of lies and suspicious things with him.

 

anyways, he says they arnt his and im trying so hard to remember if i looked in that pocket since his friend borrowed it, and even if they were his friends why would he put them in the pocket and not in a box with all the other stuff he was moving, and how could he have forgotten them?! i called his friend and he said they might be the kids who was moving because he had so much stuff in the truck but i keep thinking that i looked there since and nothing was there...i am so upset i am shaking. i dont trust my bf to begin with and im having a hard time believing they arent his.

 

he stays out late and works all day at a restaurant that only hires slutty girls. truly. its odd. but so he has plenty of times so cheat on me and especially since he has been so weird about going out and calling me really late to come over instead of right after work like he usually does. and we have not been having a good relationship for a while so maybe he is cheating because things arent very good with us. i dont know what to do. he has lied so many times i will never trust him again for alooooong time and this just threw me off the edge. he always says he would never do that to me and that he never would be able to because he loves me. i wish i knew whos they were?!!? sorry this is sooo long but i need advice. please, thank you to those who read this all haha.

[Citizen Erased]

He's abusive and the most important thing to you is some condoms?

 

Just leave him. No excuses, no oh but I love him, blah blah etc etc. Nothing about this relationship comes anywhere close to being a good thing. Leave him. Now.

[amaysngrace]

I didn't read this whole post because it's more of the same that you posted the other day. It's crazy.

 

You want to do something but instead you talk about it so stop talking about it and then you can do something.

[Trialbyfire]

1. Why do you try to control him so harshly with the porn?
   
2. Why do you stay with him if he's always lying?
   

[amaysngrace]

1. Why do you try to control him so harshly with the porn?
   
2. Why do you stay with him if he's always lying?
   

 

TBF she controls him with the porn because when you're helpless to your feelings for a guy who wrongs you terribly you try to control him in any way you can.

 

He calls all the shots. This is the only upperhand she has.

 

CC needs to take all control away from this loser and jet out of his life. Only then will she be in control of her own life. Otherwise it's however he wants it to be and she knows that too.

 

He beats her and she stays. He cheats and she stays. He calls her names and she stays. She's afraid that no one will want her because this jerk off told her that.

 

She believes that to be true while she forgets that he's a liar.

[2sure]

I understand you love this man and this is why you forgive him.

His abusing you physically and emotionally has affected your self esteem and vision.

You are young, unmarried, and not living with this man.

The two of you have completely opposing ideas of what is acceptable and healthy.

* You have offered to watch the porn WITH him, so you have no problem with the porn itself. Its the fact that he watches it without you that you have issue with. The idea that a grown man , living alone, is not allowed to masturabate, ...is weird.

* Sneaking into HIS apartment, quietly so that he is unaware of your entry...is violating.

* Putting Spyware on his personal computer - when you dont live together - is so wrong, its got to be illegal.

 

The two of you have no respect for each other.

 

Right or wrong , he lies to you about that and other things. You cannot/do not trust him.

Are you hoping for a future with this man? People change and grow, but the two of you do seem to be on the same page. You aren't going to be able to change so very many aspects of who he is.

Please remember, and it sounds easy - but isnt: Actions speak louder than words.

[trubella]

i couldnt even get past the first 2 lines of your post, emotionally and physically abusive would be enough for me, condoms is the last of your worries. time to reevaluate this relationship.

[cashley]

Hi,

 

You are young. You have your entire life ahead of you.

 

Right now, is a good time to question WHY you allowed this guy to treat you this way.

 

My advise would be to seek counselling, and gain the self respect back.

 

This guys typical abusive, and if you stay, you will learn how to become more sneaky, and also always the victim.

 

The way you are behaving is crazy, and I understand hes 'driven' you to this point....(ive been there), BUT, take responsibility, dont play the victim, or become abusive as he is.

 

Sneaking spyware, controlling him(or trying to) is abusive in itself. Its a cycle...

 

Please take a BIG step backwards... take a break, look at this from the outside in.

 

I hope you are waking up, read your posts.

 

Goodluck.

[Trialbyfire]

TBF she controls him with the porn because when you're helpless to your feelings for a guy who wrongs you terribly you try to control him in any way you can.

 

He calls all the shots. This is the only upperhand she has.

 

CC needs to take all control away from this loser and jet out of his life. Only then will she be in control of her own life. Otherwise it's however he wants it to be and she knows that too.

 

He beats her and she stays. He cheats and she stays. He calls her names and she stays. She's afraid that no one will want her because this jerk off told her that.

 

She believes that to be true while she forgets that he's a liar.

It's misplaced control since he's blatantly not listening to her. If anything, it just solidifies to him, how little control she has...period.

 

I agree that she should take back her life and jet him, drop kick him, punt him to the curb. He's the complete and utter loser, not her.

[cc123]

Thanks everyone for the replies.

 

I don't try to control him with the porn but he swears to me he wont look at it and then when I ask he says no he didnt, then I find it. so if he would just say yes when i asked it would be fine.

 

Its the fact that he convinces me he wont do it and that he doesn't even like it and then I find it. if he says he doesn't like it and wont do it anymore then he should stick to his word.

 

he puts it on the comp because he says he wants me to see it and get mad since i made him mad earlier he wants me to be mad too. he actually said that too.

 

and we do live together so its both our computer. and when i snuck in quietly, it was too surprise him because he would have usually still been sleeping.

 

this whole thing is driving me crazy. he never does what he says he is going to do. he makes promises only to break them. i know i deserve better but i dont know why i want to stay...

 

i think its because i would feel like i had no one without him. my parents are divorced and my family is not close at all and i dont really have any girlfriends that are close.

 

he has made me feel so bad about myself and he is always telling me to shut up and that im stupid and its all over small things that he should be reacting to with so much anger. he is very unpredictable and moody and he can go from nice to mean back to nice soooo fast.

 

i know he knows its not right to treat me like this but he tells me he cant control his anger and he doesn't mean it. and by the way he is a very very very heavy pot smoker. everyday he will smoke AT LEAST and ounce BY HIMSELF. i dont know how he even goes to work like that.

 

he says he doesn't even get high anymore he jsut likes smoking because it calms him down. i think the reason he is so mean and emotionally unavailable to me is because of the pot.

 

he forgets everything and doesn't remember what he says when he is mad, and i think he just doesn't remember because he smokes so much.

 

i know this is unhealthy and is holding me back but he can be soo nice sometimes that it reminds me of who he was when i fell in love with him, but the majority of the time he is mean, unsupportive, disrespects me and says very bad things about my family and friends.

 

he says he loves me more then i will ever know but i dont know why he is so crazy and moody and mean all the time.

 

theres no way this will work since he hates my family so much that he wouldnt invite them to the wedding and if they came he would drag them out himself (he actually said that) and truly my family isnt that bad and are SO good to him so he has no reason to not like them

 

besides the fact that he thinks my brothers are "pussy ass loser bitches who have no life and cant fight worth ****" and that my mom is a "broke ass slut who doesnt care about her kids" and that my dad is a "faggot who likes it in the ass" and yes those are exact quotes from him, hes said worse. i dont know why he is so mean and judgmental to people he barely knows and he cuts no body any slack and he has no sympathy for anyone.

 

if they arent up to his standards of what a family or person should be then he talks badly of them. and i always say to him that since he is so big on family and respect and honesty then WHY does he go against his beliefs and disrespect and lie to me.

 

he acts like he is the best and everyone else is a loser even though he is the loser for hitting and disrespecting his girlfriend who he says he loves.

i know he went through bad things as a kid and his dad abused him but i am sooo good to him and so forgiving and understanding and i try to always give him the benefit of the doubt even though he has lied in the past.

i feel like he doesnt deserve someone like me but then again i see good in his heart and i feel like he does need to be loved and treated good by me because there will be times when i see a sad, insecure boy in him and i think his hard ass tough look and act are just that, an act.....

 

idk its so confusing and i dont know how to leave because i feel like i cant live without him. and it scares me because i always said i would never let a guy do this to me, but i never knew how hard it would be when you love and care for them..

[amaysngrace]

this whole thing is driving me crazy

 

i know i deserve better but i dont know why i want to stay

 

i think its because i would feel like i had no one without him

 

he has made me feel so bad about myself

 

he is always telling me to shut up and that im stupid

 

he is very unpredictable and moody

 

i know he knows its not right to treat me like this

 

i know this is unhealthy and is holding me back

 

the majority of the time he is mean, unsupportive, disrespects me

 

theres no way this will work

 

CC what if someone very dear to you came to you and told you these things? What advice would you give them?

 

I know it's probably scary not knowing what's on the other side of this relationship. It seems like it's your whole world. It's all you know.

 

But if it is so horrible where you are don't you think anywhere you go just has to be better than this?

[CarrieT]

its so confusing and i dont know how to leave because i feel like i cant live without him.

 

You can and you know you can.

[Trialbyfire]

cc, are you telling us that you can't live without physical AND emotional abuse? Why do you hate yourself so much? Don't you feel you deserve to be treated like a human being, with dignity, respect and love?

 

What your b/f offers, is about as far from love as you can imagine.

[Geishawhelk]

This is ridiculous.

The last post is so full of self-contradictory statements that I frankly find it hard to believe that this isn't some kind of a wind-up.

The problem is, cc123, that you can see everything harmful, negative, dangerous, and potentially destructive. you list them in detail. yet you steadfastly refuse to commit to making any effort to get yourself out of there.

You say in one breath that your parents are divorced and your family isn't close at all.... then you say "my family isnt that bad and are SO good to him so he has no reason to not like them".... doesn't sound to me as if you couldn't BE close to them....

 

I'm sorry. Either something stinks here, or there's no point continuing for me, because this is all just attention-seeking.

[amaysngrace]

Either something stinks here, or there's no point continuing for me, because this is all just attention-seeking.

 

Dude you ever been in her shoes?

 

Didn't think so...

[Green]

As far as the OP... LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ask some one for help leaving this guy and please tell all the people in your real life about what is happening to you. Seriously when he says all those bad things about your family he is really saying them about you! calling your mom a slut and your dad a fag and your brothers pussies... hes sick, and your being infected... You can only blame yourself for anything he does to you because your staying

[You'reasian]

We're hearing the OP's story again and again: females who date guys who do drugs, hit them, diss them, etc. etc.

 

Why do they turn down educated, hard-working, gentlemanly types?

[amaysngrace]

Why do they turn down educated' date=' hard-working, gentlemanly types?[/quote']

 

Because if you are only use to drama these types seem boring. They are too "normal".

[You'reasian]

Because if you are only use to drama these types seem boring. They are too "normal".

 

The woman makes the decision to chose an "exciting" male while accepting the risks of the heavy drug use, physical abuse, verbal abuse etc.

 

She doesn't deserve the mistreatment, but she could have made a better decision.

[lovestruck818]

i didn't read the whole post...too long...but I will say this...

 

OP- guys like porn. they jerk themselves off...and you really need to learn to be able to handle it. That's just what guys do. Gross, yes, but who are we to try & stop it or get mad about it. They have needs too and if we are not available for them, they have to find other ways to take care of it...ie. their hand and porn.

[Trialbyfire]

The woman makes the decision to chose an "exciting" male while accepting the risks of the heavy drug use, physical abuse, verbal abuse etc.

 

She doesn't deserve the mistreatment, but she could have made a better decision.

I concur. Everyone has freedom of choice. The OP sounds like someone who needs a strong charge of self-esteem and to somehow find strength inside of her to walk away from her addiction to abuse.

 

I don't have the answer for the OP beyond getting some therapy, to understand what drives her need to be abused.

 

No one deserves to be abused but only you can help yourself. You're only a victim if you allow it.

[amaysngrace]

It's a hard place to be in. It's part not believing you deserve better and part knowing that it's wrong to be treated this way.

 

Until CC gets to her breaking point of intolerance for the mistreatment she will keep thinking she doesn't deserve better.

 

Once it clicks she can make her move. Until then she stays.

[dannydrifter]

I say your relationship is in great shape! Women love going out with jerks, and you got a great one there. Good work, and many blessings for the wedding!

[Geishawhelk]

Dude you ever been in her shoes?

 

Didn't think so...

 

Actually, to an extent, Yes.

 

I can't purport to state everything I went through is de facto with what she's experiencing.

I don't propose to make it public either.

But I spent seventeen weeks in hospital when I was barely out of my teens thanks to a BF with similar tendencies.

 

Dude.

[amaysngrace]

But I spent seventeen weeks in hospital when I was barely out of my teens thanks to a BF with similar tendencies.

 

I sure hope nobody told you that you were winding up a story just to seek attention.

 

How awful that would be.