Why do I get "punished" for being honest???

[Marikitgemano]

I have been having a long "cold war" with my boyfriend in Israel over the past few months. Actually we were broken up, but still continued to see one another and be in contact.

He told me I am too emotional and jealous, and if I was more "cool" maybe it could work better.

This aside, I'll get to the main issue here:

 

This past summer we actually decided to see other people but remain in touch and occasionally go out for meals and the beach.

Well, one week-end last summer he went to Istanbul, wouldn't tell me why, but since we were not really "together" I didn't ask...

Well, anyway we are friends on Facebook and WAYN and I can see all the other list of female friends on there too, and saw one from the place he had visited, so I assumed maybe he'd met this woman.

A couple of weeks into September while I was travelling in India I get a "friend" request from this woman on WAYN!!

I thought, "how does she know who i am?" so I asked him about it, and he blew up and said, "What do you want from me? I'm not talking about other people" (I was giving him an opportunity to tell me to 'ignore' the request or at least explain how and why she had contacted me)

 

Well, I let it sit for a while, then, out of natural female curiosity I wrote her back saying, "Hi, I see you added me as a friend. What is your connection to Israel? Do you have speak Hebrew?"

 

She then wrote me back in VERY BAD English saying she wanted to make contacts in Israel and that she wanted to meet me, if I got her meaning..

Burning with curiosity (I probably should have left it there) I responded by inviting her to add me to msn if she wanted to chat.

 

Well, it was very clear she tried in a round-about way tried to get me to give her information about the "man" in question, but I did not mention his name or anything. SHe wanted all this information as to when I was returning to Israel, what "friends" I had there, ect.

I was very polite, but did not 'gossip' or mention my ex boyfriend-in-question's name...I gave her advice on immigrating to Israel, as she expressed interest in this, and as I had done it in the past I just passed on helpful information to her.

Well one day I mentioned to him that I had been in contact with her. I'd responded to him in some sarcastic manner about something and it just slipped out that she'd been in communication with me. Well, when he found out about he blamed me!! I could not believe it! SHe was the one who'd approached me, ect. and then he was blaming me for talking to her!! (even when I didn't say anythign about him!)

 

I told him I had the right to talk to anyone I wanted and that I was not his slave, and that even if she hadn't contacted me I had every right to be in contact with her if I wanted. He did not like this...

 

On her WAYN profile it was even evident that she'd been spying on him as she had comments written by other of his female friends such as "thanks for dropping by to visit my profile"

Can someone explain to me why my honesty got me in such trouble???

 

Thanks

[Adamagnet]

Blamed you for what? It does sound like he is either projecting his jealousy or displacing anger (from a failure in the other relationship?) upon you though.

[Marikitgemano]

Yes, I think he is blaming me for his other failed conquests. I confronted him with this and he just blew up more telling me that I try to "sabotage" his other "contacts"- well, I dont' see how I did this as it was the other woman from Istanbul who contacted me and insisted on chatting and even meeting me!!

I wonder if she tried to "set me up" and lied to him, but I sent him copies of the emails she'd initially written me on WAYN.

I guess he must have given her hope, as she was obviously wanting to know if he was "available" or else she would not have contacted me and asked me nosy questions that I evaded.

 

My "not-really-boyfriend" went to Thailand shortly after his trip to Istanbul and I am sure he tried to "get it on" with Thai women as this has begun to be a pattern in his almost 50 years.

He met me there 2 and a half years ago and followed me all the way to America, claiming he had finally met "the one" - then he invited to Israel to live with him and meet all his family which I did, but after I moved there things went downhill, as he wanted to be alone to "think about things" and have space....This really meant he wanted to keep his options open and see what else he could get..

Well, for the last year and a half he kept me as a kind of "spare tire" never really letting me go, yet not really making any committment either. I was the one he'd take to family dinners and some events, yet I'd stay over at his appartment and he would not even touch me...

I got so used to this that I didn't even realize it was not normal and its taken a long time to see that he probably never will settle down with anyone as he is almost 50, never married and keeps going to Thailand every year where he meets these young Thai women that fall in love with him for a few months, he comes back and probably fantasizes about his short stints with them, then it fades and he looks for new "material"

 

I realize now that he really isn't good news for me or almost anyone, but it still really bothers me why he makes me the SCAPEGOAT and the bad guy for all his failures, yet I am probably the only woman who has stood by him and still cared about him even during the worst times.

I never did anything to harm him, my only crime was being too emotional and vulnerable. Why am I one he spits on???

[Angel1111]

Why am I one he spits on???

 

Because you let him.

 

This guy is manipulative, controlling and verbally abusive, and you're asking all the wrong questions. It's not relevant why HE does anything but if you have to know, the answer is simple - abuse makes him feel powerful and power is a drug to him. It makes him feel powerful to have a bunch of women on the side, while keeping you on the back burner. It makes him feel powerful to put you down, and he laughs inside knowing that you will actually stick around after being talked to the way he talks to you.

 

Stop being available to him on any level and then he won't be able to dish out the abuse. By hanging around the edges of his life, you're showing complete and total disrespect toward yourself. These questions that are going through your head are the "hooks" he uses to keep you engaged in this twisted relationship. You need to execute people like this from your life the instant you come into contact with them, or the instant you recognize them for who they really are. Verbal abuse and misdirected anger and not negotiable. They're deal breakers. Walk away and don't look back.

[norajane]

Why are you wasting your time and energy with this loser? You sound quite cosmopolitan and well-traveled, and I'm sure you have all kinds of great stories to tell and make friends easily. What is the purpose of hanging on to a loser man? Why, why, why?

 

You don't need him! You don't have to deal with his garbage and his ridiculous anger and whatever. Why are you letting him control your peace of mind?

 

Time to cut him out of your life and never look back.