Sisters Motheing Skills - Should I speak up?

[redfathom]

MY sister had her first child at 17 she is now 33 and has four kids. Ages 15 to 2. My oldest neice was taken care of by my mom, and both sisters until she was about seven. My sister is on her second marriage and the kids share three fathers between them. My sister is very irresponsible as a parents and when she got divorced from her 1st husband about five years ago we had a hure falling out that we won't forget but we pretend didn't happen. I basically went off on my sister for being a bad parent because she was doing an aweful job of raising the kids and keeping a clean house. My mom and other sister basically told me to mind my own business and only bring anything up now when it's to trash talk said sister. There position was if they sided with me my sister would keep the kids from them and they feel it's better to just stay quit on the whole thing.

 

My 10 year old nephew is in special ed classes and I remember clearly when he was about five and we were out to dinner she told us all that he was going to have to go into special ed classes because he's very far behind. I asked her why she couldn't work with him now to get caught up before kindergarten. She told me that she didn't have the time. That seems to be her parenting skills when it comes to their education. Either they are sick or have mental issues.

 

A few days ago we were at her house and she told me my seven year old niece now has to go to "special day" classes because she too is far behind (She can't read yet and I don't think my 10 year old nephew can either). I told her I was shocked about her new arrangements at school because my neice is very smart, she blurts out, "no she's not, that's why she has to go to these classes." Followed by how upset my sister is because this just means she will now get extra homework.

 

My eldest neice is failing two classes and my sister just makes excuses for her. My brother even offered my neice diamond earrings if she gets a "c' or better in all her classes. Not to be a jerk, but a "c" is really not that good. She should be encouraged to get a "b"or better. I know she can, she is just lazy and my sister enables this by makes to many excuses for her.

 

I don't want to alientate my family but someone needs to do something for the sake of these kids. I am going to ask to take my neice and nephew for some weekends and I want to try to work with them, but I don't want them to get demotivated or upset my sister.

 

What would you do?

 

P.S. I was raised by my dad and they were raised by my mom. Both sisters were in homeschool charter programs (because they didn't want to go to regular schools) and my brother was also in special classes because of his dyslexia - which my mom blamed on my dad. I got straight "a's" because school was very important to me. And I don't want to see my neices and nephews follow the same paths as my sisters. We just have fundamental differences when it comes to education.

[redfathom]

Sorry, that should say "mothering" skills!! Ooopppss!

[2sure]

Sadly, this is not uncommon. If not for a few details, I would have thought I knew your sister.

 

Many children in Special Ed classes are from dysfunctional or neglectful homes. It is a huge amount of work to teach any child and sure it is easier to not spend the time. So, the kids dont learn basics, go into special ed, and there they stay. It is also common for the parents of these children to act like they are being proactive by getting these kids into special ed when the energy would have been much better spent on basics.

 

The worst part is this: Many parents are financially motivated to get their kids labelled special ed. It is the first step in getting them diagnosed with a learning disorder. With a disorder, they get assistance from their state as well as social security. Its awful.

 

I edited this post to add that this in NO WAY speaks to the many parents and children with real problems. I understand the amount of work these families have to do just to make sure their child gets what they need. Also awful.

[quankanne]

could you offer to arrange tutoring (yourself or another responsible grown-up to work with the kids)? That might help catch the kids to a point, so would reading/scholastic after school programs like Sylvan or Kumon. However, these would work only to a degree if the parents don't get behind them ...

 

makes me want to slap people like your sister for not putting the kids' needs first – there was never a guarantee that child-rearing would be a cake walk!

 

meanwhile, I'm glad the kids have such a good aunt like you to be concerned on their behalf.

[redfathom]

It is also common for the parents of these children to act like they are being proactive by getting these kids into special ed when the energy would have been much better spent on basics.quote] 100% agree. That is my sister! When my oldest niece was in JH she was failing PE. My sister took her to the doctors and they found that she has exercised induced asthma. So she got her benched for all PE classes instead of getting her the proper inhaler and teaching her how to responsible with her health! My personal trainer at the gym has super bad asthma so she takes an inhaler before exercising which does the trick. My eldest niece does have diabetes so I can see them taking special precautions now, but this is more a reason why my niece needs to start exercising.

 

My sister acts like a big know it all so there is really no offering advice, because she knows best.

[redfathom]

makes me want to slap people like your sister for not putting the kids' needs first – there was never a guarantee that child-rearing would be a cake walk!

 

This was an even bigger problem when she divorced, that was when she decided everything was about her and she wanted freedom. She went out all the time, had people over at all hours, got into smoking pot and drinking. She thinks drinking and doing crazy stuff make her "cool". Like those people who tout, "I was so drunk, I don't remember what happened, but I had SO MUCH FUN."

 

Do you think the kids would be excited if I took them to a bookstore and spent a weekend with them picking out books they wanted to learn to read? I would of course take them to do something a little more fun then that. I want to tell them about how great books are, how they let you travel the world both our world and fantasy and get them excited about reading. How do you get a seven year old excited about books when they can't read? I want to do this with out embarrassing them or making them feel stuid. They are both great kids and super smart, very sweet, and lots of fun...

[Mary3]

I will give my own personal take on this . I hope you don't throw rocks at me...

 

First of all , you are not a Doctor. You have no idea the mentality level of the child/ kids . It takes a psychologist and a battery of tests to determine where the child is mentally. A child can be delayed because of birth defects . A child can be delayed because of many things , including neglect.

 

You have 2 children in this mix who are having educational and learning problems. It could be a number of factors. I think you are being too harsh on your sister.

 

Unless she does something openly blatent or dangerous to those kids , she has a right to raise them . ( This would not include drug abusers or something that would endanger the kids lives ) , as she sees fit. She may not be perfect or she may not be clean ( enough for you ) But if she loves her kids and is taking them to IEP classes then she IS trying to be a good mom . If she is terrible , only the crulest courts would remove her kids.

 

I say lighten up a bit. Let her raise the kids. If they are brusied or starving then step in. If they have learning difficulties offer to read to them a few nights a week. But unless your sister is doing something extremely harmful to the kids , I would just let her be a mom.

 

She may resent you for interferring. Not to say , you don't have a right to but do you really think you are being helpful ?

 

Offer some suggestions as to help your sis and her kids. Not to put down your sis and her house cleaning skills...

 

I think in this post you toot your own horn so loud because you were an A student. Not ALL kids make A's . Some struggle for C's . Its all random and independant.

 

I was an A student too but I dont get on here talking about my sis or anyone elses child rearing skills unless the parent is truly harming the child.

 

Lighten up and be a good aunt...

 

But it seems you are always rushing in regards to those kids. Don't you have any confidence or faith in your sister , at all ??

[quankanne]

sometimes, Mary, someone needs step in so that the kids get what they *need* ... I don't think OP is tooting her own horn, just very aware of the fact that her niece and nephew aren't being given ample opportunity to succeed when it counts the most.

 

Do you think the kids would be excited if I took them to a bookstore and spent a weekend with them picking out books they wanted to learn to read?

 

are you a reader – I mean, do they see you with a book or a newspaper, or even talking about the stuff you read? If so, you're putting into action the very thing you propose, and I think it'll be that much more of a back-up when you take them to a book store (fantastic idea, BTW). Also think about the different events the local library schedules – story hour, parties based on books (Harry Potter comes to mind). And don't rule out comic books, because kids get a visual of what they're reading, my thought is that it's a good stepping stone to reading books.

 

if you come across book descriptions for children's books, save them for when you get to see the kids, then read to them what the books are about – you may find something that piques their interests (guilty confession: The book club circular is to me what a Toy R' Us Christmas catalogue is to a kid ... I circle the ones that look really good, then look for them at the library) ...

 

something my sister did with her grandson, who hates reading as much as *his* sister loves it, was word-find puzzles, which reinforced spelling skills. I try to send her grandkids a word-find book every month they can share. I think she also started teaching them Scrabble to work on spelling and critical thinking skills. There's a lot of stuff out there that can be used as a teaching tool, even something like junk mail and cereal boxes.

 

my guess is that your sister's kids will be thrilled that you even WANT to spend time with them, teaching them and learning things with them. Kids are great about that

[IfWishesWereHorses]

How do you get a seven year old excited about books when they can't read? I want to do this with out embarrassing them or making them feel stuid. They are both great kids and super smart, very sweet, and lots of fun...

 

By reading to them! There are ton's of great childrens books out there. It is amazing that finding the right book, can start a love of reading. ( I know my son loved the Captain Underpants books when he was young, you could hear him lauging out loud while reading them.)There are also tons of phonics based books that can teach reading. I remember buying them for my neice who a terrible time learning to read. I also have seen first hand the difficulties that some very hard working adults have because they can barely read.

[2sure]

I said I knew someone very much like your sister, and its true.

It is difficult to help a child unless you are there everyday. It is the day to day homework that makes an impact on their education.

 

BUT. Every little bit helps!!! Over the summer, I took one of her kids for two weeks. I helped him with his summer reading projects and he got into it. I bought him all of his school supplies, cool stuff, so he could at least have a fresh start at being organized on his own. I called the school and found out about their homework help program, then put a note in his new backpack for him to remind him about the program. Wrote a letter to the school counselor, asking simply that she watch out for him.

 

I call the Mom once or twice a week, and ask her about their assignments and just in general , try to have conversations about school and kids...to keep it on her mind. I try to do this without making her feel inept or threatened...like its her idea.

 

Its frustrating. She is a single mom, no parenting skills, no motivation....4 kids.

 

Its all I can do, its almost nothing. But it is a little more than nothing.

[redfathom]

I will give my own personal take on this . I hope you don't throw rocks at me...

 

First of all , you are not a Doctor. You have no idea the mentality level of the child/ kids . It takes a psychologist and a battery of tests to determine where the child is mentally. A child can be delayed because of birth defects . A child can be delayed because of many things , including neglect.

 

You have 2 children in this mix who are having educational and learning problems. It could be a number of factors. I think you are being too harsh on your sister.

 

Unless she does something openly blatent or dangerous to those kids , she has a right to raise them . ( This would not include drug abusers or something that would endanger the kids lives ) , as she sees fit. She may not be perfect or she may not be clean ( enough for you ) But if she loves her kids and is taking them to IEP classes then she IS trying to be a good mom . If she is terrible , only the crulest courts would remove her kids.

 

I say lighten up a bit. Let her raise the kids. If they are brusied or starving then step in. If they have learning difficulties offer to read to them a few nights a week. But unless your sister is doing something extremely harmful to the kids , I would just let her be a mom.

 

She may resent you for interferring. Not to say , you don't have a right to but do you really think you are being helpful ?

 

Offer some suggestions as to help your sis and her kids. Not to put down your sis and her house cleaning skills...

 

I think in this post you toot your own horn so loud because you were an A student. Not ALL kids make A's . Some struggle for C's . Its all random and independant.

 

I was an A student too but I dont get on here talking about my sis or anyone elses child rearing skills unless the parent is truly harming the child.

 

Lighten up and be a good aunt...

 

But it seems you are always rushing in regards to those kids. Don't you have any confidence or faith in your sister , at all ??

I do appreicate your personal take. I do think that for my 10 year old nephew he could have some learning disabilities, he did see a psych and was told at age two that he has ADD then ADHD at age three. As for my sister being clean, or not clean enough for me. Here is what happened: I was baby sitting my niece while my sister took a vacation to Las Vegas and went to my sisters house to get her some things. Her house was a mess, roaches, food on the floor. My neices room had cat **** on floor (her cat had run away three months before, which means it had been sitting there for months). She didn't have any hangers for her clothes which also were in a pile and smelled like cat piss. She had no sheets on her bed just one blanket. You couldn't even walk into the room with out stepping on something. I casually said to my niece that they house it a mess and she starts crying. She starts telling me that she is sorry the house is a mess but she has been sick and hasn't been able to clean. I was shocked, that was not a reaction I expected from a 11 year old. I in no way expected her to take responsability for the house being a mess. This set me off and I called my sister furious. The next day I went shopping with my neice and got her sheets and hangers and we cleaned her room.

 

I offered to go over and help my sister clean her house and I looked up credit counsouling services. She basically told me to "f" off and I didn't talk to my family for about a year and a half.

 

Emotional abuse can be just as devastating to kids. I think my nieces and nephew have the potential to make "A" and I don't want to see them just do enough to get by...

[redfathom]

Quankanne, I do enjoy reading and so does my older neice. She was actually reading a book not too long ago that I read at her age and we talked about it. And the last time we all hung out was for a BBQ and I brought a book to read. I love comic books and actually draw comic book art (not professionally yet). I used to take my now 15 year old niece every weekend and we would do things like draw, go to book stores, watch movies. With my other niece and nephew finding time is a bit harder. They have 50/50 custody with their dad so half the week and every other weekend they are not with my sister. I did message my sister about taking them to the book store and she said that would be fine so I asked about taking them Tuesday since it's a holiday.

 

If, my other sisters friend are very fond of my neice and they found out she couldn't read this summer while at the fair. My sisters friend went outside and broke down crying. Since then they buy her books and leapfrog things to help her as well.

 

2sure, I think it's great that you do all that. I unfortuantely handled the situation poorly the first time so my sister will almost always be suspicious of me...but that doesn't matter as long as I can make a difference for the kids.

[Mary3]

I do appreicate your personal take. I do think that for my 10 year old nephew he could have some learning disabilities, he did see a psych and was told at age two that he has ADD then ADHD at age three. As for my sister being clean, or not clean enough for me. Here is what happened: I was baby sitting my niece while my sister took a vacation to Las Vegas and went to my sisters house to get her some things. Her house was a mess, roaches, food on the floor. My neices room had cat **** on floor (her cat had run away three months before, which means it had been sitting there for months). She didn't have any hangers for her clothes which also were in a pile and smelled like cat piss. She had no sheets on her bed just one blanket. You couldn't even walk into the room with out stepping on something. I casually said to my niece that they house it a mess and she starts crying. She starts telling me that she is sorry the house is a mess but she has been sick and hasn't been able to clean. I was shocked, that was not a reaction I expected from a 11 year old. I in no way expected her to take responsability for the house being a mess. This set me off and I called my sister furious. The next day I went shopping with my neice and got her sheets and hangers and we cleaned her room.

 

I offered to go over and help my sister clean her house and I looked up credit counsouling services. She basically told me to "f" off and I didn't talk to my family for about a year and a half.

 

Emotional abuse can be just as devastating to kids. I think my nieces and nephew have the potential to make "A" and I don't want to see them just do enough to get by...

 

I just wanted you to know that I had a learning disabled daughter. I took her to all the special classes and she had many doctors because she was born with birth defects and had speech problems along with 7 ear surgeries ( where they put the tubes in the ears ) She is the sweetest girl on the planet but she will always be developmentally delayed.

 

Regarding the filfthy conditions ( now that I have an accurate picture of your sis's house ) That kind of filfth would be considered UNSAFE , not hygenic and could be considered Neglect , which is a form of abuse. It broke my heart when the 11 year old cried because of the conditions of the house...

 

The 3 month old cat feces and along with visible roaches tells you there is a severe infestation problem. The mom sounds like she could be depressed about her environment and there is another name for someone who is very dirty ( but I dont remember the medical condition ) Either way , if a child welfare specialist came in and saw rotten food , bugs , cat feces thats been laying on the floor for 3 months ( This now reminds me of the Oprah show where the lady had dog poop in her bath tub and old dog poop that sat on the floor for 6 months ) . I know you don't to call the CPS. Could you offer to take the child in ? Maybe have a cleaning specialist go in and clean then maybe help your sis maintain the house like once every 2 weeks ?

[redfathom]

Hi, sorry I have been busy and unable to post.

 

Mary, my sister is doing a better job of keeping her house clean. It's not great, but it's better. She is just, well, a mess. I don't want to sound mean and I do love her. I saw her two weeks ago at a jewelry party where she spent $200 on jewelry. I heard this weekend that her car was just repoed, but then plan on paying to get it back. She just doesn't make good descisions. I was at her house yesterday to pick up and drop off the kids (we had a great time and I will get to that) and I saw her house is a mess, not as bad, but the carpet is already stained and they just moved in a few weeks ago. She is the apartment manager and the office is attached to her apartment and I just wonder how she has been able to even keep her job. If I was her boss and I saw her house was that much of a mess I would evict her.

 

At one job she was an apartment manager for she quit because she was mad at them and left trash everywhere in the apartment when they moved out. The above mentioned example was the place this happened at.

 

My grandma gives her money when she needs it (thousands of dollars) so she never has to pay for anything on her own and thus doesn't take care of things. Arrrgggg!!

 

Anyways!

 

I took the kids yesterday, we went to lunch and the book stores and I gave them each $20 to spend on the books they wanted (with in reason and my approval, they had to be books that would benefit them). Then I took them to the movies and to my house to hang out for a bit. I read them part of one of the books and took them home. Overall we had a great time. Now I just hope they get to keep the books (my sister has taken gifts we bought them and returned them to the store for money in the past). I also hope they take care of them...

[quankanne]

write their names on the inside of the book – no one will buy it back if it's "damaged" like that!

 

the day out with the kids sounds like it was a lot of fun ... you're a good aunt, red!

[redfathom]

Good Idea, next time I will do that! It was a lot of fun it was nice to just have the three of us hang out so they both got some attention!

[Mary3]

Actually there is a connection with a messy cluttered house and a messy cluttered mind. I had recently read something about this.

If her house is really a mess with all the mentioned conditions then her mind is likely overrun with problems , such as making the decision to buy jewelry and then having her car taken away r'pod . She can go to grandma and get money when she gets in too deep. Not everyone has that luxery.

 

So when the bills are piling up , some in the trash , the house is in disarray , then your sis is on overload. Cleaning the house , getting some organizers to sort through things ( once again your help might be needed ) Your sis getting into therapy , spending as much time as you can with her kids , maybe sneaking a load of laundry in ,cleaning ,. as to just help out. I think its great how you have helped the kids and how much you love them

 

Its a tough challenge . Good luck !