OrangeKin Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Hi everyone, I'm writing today because I really need some advice/help/support, whatever you can spare. I'm sorry it's so long-winded. I have nowhere else to go. I found out some months ago H had had an affair. Because of its details I might have been willing to reconcile, but he lied about it from day 1 and continued to do so until I was pretty much throwing evidence in his face. Not just about that but he lied about a couple of other hurtful things too. So I really, really want to leave. He has shown utter regret/remorse/guilt whatever and pleaded for us to stay together. He has even done some wonderful things after the fact to show he's serious; we've definitely had some happy times. But we've just recently moved to a new state. I know no one here, no friends or family or support, and he is still my best friend, so I wonder if all our "good" times were mostly me trying to escape the pain and enjoy myself any way I knew how. I start a full-time job fairly soon (I used to be a stay-at-home mom, when I found out about his A.) and that will make things easier for when we separate. My problem is this. We own a house in our old state that we are renting out, so right now we pay for rent for our current apartment and remaining mortgage on our old house not covered by our tenants. Our current apt. is two bedrooms, one for us and the other for our daughter (she's a toddler). It's where all our mail is forwarded to, where the internet and cable is attached to, where all our good furniture is. It's the only familiar thing I have here; it's become home. It seems the logical thing for me to do is make him find another place to live, a one-bedroom, but something in me hates to kick him out of this place (he moved here first and got the place, I followed some weeks later). I feel like I ought to be the one to leave but will I take our child to live in a one-bedroom, which might be the most I can afford right now on top of part of a mortgage and childcare? Who keeps the big TV, the sleigh bed, or the cat? How does this work?? My H is still very much against the idea of a separation, plus he is going through some very tough times in his career that will eventually pay off for him. It hurts me to do this in the middle of these tough times. But I can't leave our child with him and I can't kick H out. (In our state, separation is living in separate residences, and as long as at least one partner if for the separation.) Just financially and logistically it would be really tough. Please help. Thanks.
2sure Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Since you are asking specifically for details regarding the logistics of seperation, that is what I'll address. I remember your previous posts, I'm glad you came back. There is a mortgage on the house in your old state. So, your asset is whatever it can be sold for above what you owe. I say this only because it sounds like the house will have to be sold, even if you are not planning on staying in your new state. As to you wishing to remain in the apartment you currently have...certainly that would be in the best interest of your child so he would be the one to leave. HOWEVER: Please remember that although you will be entitled to most of his income, you just cant get blood from a stone. Upon initial seperation, he will have to pay child support , usually a minimum of 17% of his income. I assume he will be willing to pay this even w/o the divorce in place? You will be working, so spousal support may or may not be awarded and either way it would be short term, like 6 months, and is not required to cover your complete rent, utilitues, etc. . He will have to split daycare with you, especially since you have no family in the area. I assume he will split this with you prior to the court ordering it as well. Same thing for child's health insurance and medical , if that is an expense. Then, the court will look at his expenses and income . If his income is much higher than yours, the percentages will be adjusted. But if he is broke, there is no more to take. You may end up having to look for a cheaper apartment.
Author OrangeKin Posted November 7, 2008 Author Posted November 7, 2008 Thank you 2sure, I hope you know how much you guys have helped me since I first posted. About the house, the seller's market is extremely crappy right now so it would be wise to hold on to it for as long as possible for equity/collateral (haha.) whatever. It's a good investment. Unfortunately in our state the court is completely uninvolved in separations; just divorces. TrustInYourself: The point of separating is that I do not want to continue to be with this guy.
Recommended Posts