Staying for the Kids?

[Confoozed]

I've been reading a lot of threads on this and other forums about the reasons MM/MW choose to stay in their marriages instead of taking up with the OW/OM or striking out on their own, and one of the reasons that comes up time and again is "the kids".

 

I am a very recently former WS who still has strong feelings for and a desire to be with the OW (so maybe I'm not yet a "former" WS, though there's been NC for over a month now) and I feel very much like the kids are the reason I am trying to rebuild my marriage.

 

I told that to my T this past week and she basically said: "So what? It doesn't really matter why you're back, so long as you're committed to work on your marriage." That surprised me. I thought she'd tell me it's unfair to my wife to cling to the marriage for any other reason than I loved her and wanted to be with her.

 

To be clear, I do love her and I do believe our marriage is salvageable. The problems in it are primarily my own. She really is as good a wife as a guy could have. But I feel like we've lost whatever connection we once had and I think that if it weren't for the kids, I would be inclined to leave her....for the OW.

 

So, really, is it NOT unfair for me to be back just for the kids? Or is it ok, as my T says, as long as I intend to improve our marriage in the process? (And I do, by the way.)

[Reggie]

I'd say it's okay, as an initial motivation. But, long term, if you do not love your wife as a spouse should, I think you'll both be miserable.

I'd let your wife know about this being your motivation at this point so she'll have a say in whether it makes sense to continue. Her time is valuable , too, no?

[me4u2]

I see it all the time too. I'm staying for the kids right now also but using it as motivation to get to a good spot in the marriage. I'm not a WS, rather I suppose you could classify me as teetering on the edge of a separation, one I really don't want because of the children.

 

It sounds like your T doesn't care because it is an avenue to get you to stay and work on things in hopes that it brings you back to happiness with your W.

 

I'm going to disagree with telling your W that it's your only motivation because as you come out of your fog, you may see things more clearly. What if she decides to end it based on the fact that you said children was your only motivation. I don't know, I think I would rather hear you say that a few months from now after significant NC with OW than right now.

[jwi71]

I've been reading a lot of threads on this and other forums about the reasons MM/MW choose to stay in their marriages instead of taking up with the OW/OM or striking out on their own, and one of the reasons that comes up time and again is "the kids".

 

I am a very recently former WS who still has strong feelings for and a desire to be with the OW (so maybe I'm not yet a "former" WS, though there's been NC for over a month now) and I feel very much like the kids are the reason I am trying to rebuild my marriage.

 

I told that to my T this past week and she basically said: "So what? It doesn't really matter why you're back, so long as you're committed to work on your marriage." That surprised me. I thought she'd tell me it's unfair to my wife to cling to the marriage for any other reason than I loved her and wanted to be with her.

 

To be clear, I do love her and I do believe our marriage is salvageable. The problems in it are primarily my own. She really is as good a wife as a guy could have. But I feel like we've lost whatever connection we once had and I think that if it weren't for the kids, I would be inclined to leave her....for the OW.

 

So, really, is it NOT unfair for me to be back just for the kids? Or is it ok, as my T says, as long as I intend to improve our marriage in the process? (And I do, by the way.)

 

I can agree with it.

 

The motivation for reconciliation doesn't matter but rather the work put in it. Who cares if you stayed for the kids, made a 100% effort to reconcile/reconnect and you succeed. End result: the M is intact and healed.

 

Our MC told us to do something selfless each week for the other. Each week do something for the other that benefits the other regardless of "cost". Motivation doesn't really matter. In this case, we were doing because we were told to do it. End result - now we do it because we want to. A wonderful self-perpetuating cycle that started not of our volition, but our MC's direction.

 

So...yeah...I agree.

[ss5725]

I admire you for working on your marriage, and the fact that you have gone NC with the OW. I think so many people do stay for the kids, and when they become empty nesters quite a few of them do split. I know that I tried for 3 years to make it work with my husband (no affairs, just we shouldn't have been together in the first place)for my kids. I became depressed and literally physically ill over the thought of spending the rest of my life with him. When we finally split, I was DONE, and I did it without having complicated my life with another man, but it was still extremely difficult. I can imagine how hard it is for you to try and make sense of all of it with your feelings for the OW. Your life is your own, and I think that your children will be fine (mine are extremely resilient, straight A, intelligient young women now) if you and your wife could handle a divorce the right way, and that may mean you bending over backwards and eating some crow over the years, your children may be better off. I think it is the wise choice to try and make it work, so that you will have no regrets, but to be honest I think your marriage is probably never going to be what you want it to be, and you will have regrets years down the line that you didn't end it sooner.

[imagine]

Confoozed

 

Take a little time and chack out the marriagebuilders.com site articles. There is an item on complaints in a marriage. Especially the need to make them and listen to them. Funny thing, marriages that DO NOT express their grievances tend to die a horrible death. I think this site is what you are looking for.

 

Interesting reading, and free.

[2sure]

For me, my marriage consists of and is defined by its members: Myself, Husband, Child. It is a Family UNIT. Decisions, Finances, Emotions, Habits..all affect the Unit.

 

So, when a WS uses the often repeated and sometimes vague reference of "staying for the kids" ...sure, it is the most obvious part of the family...but I think it is the UNIT they are staying for. That includes the wife.

 

Before or soon after an affair begins, the WS has often indicated to the OW that the marriage/wife has problems. The problems may be true or not, but either way they justify the affair and put him in "good guy" light. When he decides to stay with the marriage, its a LOT easier to use the kids as the reason, so he stays in "good guy" light.

[Owl]

Your therapist is on the money...it really doesn't matter what your motivations for staying are right now.

 

It doesn't matter, because what it DOES do is allow for several things to happen:

 

1. NC with OW. Obviously this is critical. You're going through the withdrawl right now...so I understand that this is hard to believe, but once you're past this point, you'll see that this is a CRITICAL thing...you can't "get over her" without having no contact with her. But...you CAN do so with NC in place...even if you don't believe that its possible.

 

2. It provides your wife the opportunity to DEMONSTRATE the long term changes she should be making to help reconcile the marriage.

 

3. It gives you both the opportunity to practice impoved communications skills...hopefully you're both in MC with someone who's helping you work on this directly.

 

While you don't feel that this is going to work, the great thing about it is that it still CAN...as long as you're there and can at least give it the opportunity to do so.

 

STICK TO NC...and be willing to openly communicate with your wife in both directions.

 

And you WILL see a difference in how you feel about staying.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Confoozed,

 

Do yourself a favor and pick up a copy of Schumley Boteach's Kosher Adultery. It is a terribly interesting read and very thought provoking. Have your wife read it too. During the year after I read it, I gave a copies to some of my married friends on their anniversaries.

[Confoozed]

Confoozed,

 

Do yourself a favor and pick up a copy of Schumley Boteach's Kosher Adultery. It is a terribly interesting read and very thought provoking. Have your wife read it too. During the year after I read it, I gave a copies to some of my married friends on their anniversaries.

 

----

 

What's it about?

[Confoozed]

I think so many people do stay for the kids, and when they become empty nesters quite a few of them do split.

 

 

I do worry about what will happen after the kids are grown up and gone, and that's not too many years away -- probably not much more then 5 or 6. Then what? If we haven't rebuilt our marriage into something we're both happy with, will we then split up? And if we do, will I have screwed my wife out of 5 or 6 years of her life where she could have been free to pursue her own happiness? And will I have missed out on something that could have made me truly happy -- i.e., a life with the OW?

 

 

I think it is the wise choice to try and make it work, so that you will have no regrets, but to be honest I think your marriage is probably never going to be what you want it to be, and you will have regrets years down the line that you didn't end it sooner.

 

 

Yes, I do fear I'll have regrets if I stay and it doesn't turn out. But I also feel I'll regret not trying to save what we have, because, really, it was pretty good once upon a time, or at least it seemed good at the time.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Google it at amazon.com. ( don't think I'm allowed to link it here) They have a discription and some reviews you might find interesting. It is written by a Rabbi sociologist. Its about learing to sin and seduce your spouse. He has counselled many men who were on the verge of affairs because they no longer were attracted to their wives.

 

It is terribly interesting and might be a good distraction while you are going through your withdrawals.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Yes, I do fear I'll have regrets if I stay and it doesn't turn out. But I also feel I'll regret not trying to save what we have, because, really, it was pretty good once upon a time, or at least it seemed good at the time.

 

Or worse, leaving and waking up one day to realize that things didn't work out w/OW and you have lost your chance with a woman who loved you enough to try to forgive your betrayal of her.

 

I have two friends this happened to some years later. The crazy thing is that they are happy as a lark, though they went through hell initially, and the WS (years later) is miserable and regretful. Both friends did everything in their power to save the marriage.

 

I believe that both are far better off, but possibly that is simply because, the WS's turned to other things rather than exploring the true issues that were causing them to seek "happiness" in other people/things.

 

Both WS's eventually became alcoholics and one a drug addict though I believe that one is off drugs and now trying to battle the alcoholism. His children HATE him, and not because of the fact that he left/cheated on their mother. Its who he became during his years of trying to find happiness and destroying himself in the process.

 

Both WS's were also successful, intelligent, well known and liked by friends, family and community. That changed over the course of the next 10 years.

 

So, so, so very sad.

[Sks]

OP, stop being such a weakling, you got married, it was for better or worse - stop complaining and do your duty as a husband.

[Confoozed]

OP, stop being such a weakling, you got married, it was for better or worse - stop complaining and do your duty as a husband.

 

That was helpful. Thank you.

[Lizzie60]

So, really, is it NOT unfair for me to be back just for the kids? Or is it ok, as my T says, as long as I intend to improve our marriage in the process? (And I do, by the way.)

 

I think it's OK.. and if you are improving your marriage in the process.. then your goal is achieved.. no? Isn't that what you want?

 

Most WS don't leave because of the kids.. how can you even think of being a part-time parent?

[Confoozed]

Or worse, leaving and waking up one day to realize that things didn't work out w/OW and you have lost your chance with a woman who loved you enough to try to forgive your betrayal of her.

 

It seems whenever someone on these forums questions the wisdom of leaving a W/H for an OW/OM, the answers invariably suggest such relationships almost never work out.

 

But I know from experience that they can. My own dad left my mom when I was a kid and ended up marrying a woman with whom he'd had an affair before I was born. And they lived very happily ever after until his death a few years ago.

 

Are there any stories out there where these things actually do work out? What's the secret? Dumb luck?

[me4u2]

Yes, I do fear I'll have regrets if I stay and it doesn't turn out. But I also feel I'll regret not trying to save what we have, because, really, it was pretty good once upon a time, or at least it seemed good at the time.

 

And this is the exact reason you need to take some time to really try it out and work at it. I think you need to feel you've exhausted all efforts before deciding to end your M. In the future, if you end up leaving your W and things with the OW don't work out, you can know for yourself that you really did try everything you could to make your M work before you left.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I don't doubt that they do sometimes work out. I don't know of any personally though. It also sounds to me like you've already made up you mind about your marriage not working out. Anything you succeed in will always have been backed up by a commitment to that success. Sounds like your doing this so you can say that you tried but that your heart isn't in it at all.

[Confoozed]

It also sounds to me like you've already made up you mind about your marriage not working out....Sounds like your doing this so you can say that you tried but that your heart isn't in it at all.

 

Not true, Wishes. I'm just trying to get my head around things and trying to understand my feelings. What's real and what's not?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I see, I hope you are able to figure that out soon for the sake of all involved. You mentioned something about your wife being able to find real love.... does the thought of her with another man, giving or being in love with another man bother you?

[Confoozed]

does the thought of her with another man, giving or being in love with another man bother you?

 

I've thought about that and the answer, strangely, is no. In fact, it bothers me more to think of the OW with someone else. What do you think that says about things?

[whichwayisup]

Then that's your ego talking. If you TRULY loved her and wanted what was best for her, then you'd wish her well and WANT to see her happy with someone else, seeing as you're married, have kids and aren't leaving your wife. Let her go. You have no choice.

 

Work on your marriage, for the sake of your kids, MAKE IT WORK. You owe that to them. They deserve to have a normal upbringing, with two loving parents, so THAT should be very important. To have stablity in their lives.

 

I believe once you stop letting yourself think about the OW, you WILL be able to focus more on your wife and marriage - Being a better husband, and a family man.

[whichwayisup]

What's real and what's not?

 

In all honestly, does it matter? You allowed yourself to have inappropriate feeling and let them grow with her. IT never should've been allowed to happen, but obviously it did.

 

The OW chose to move on because she's a smart and strong woman. She KNEW that you'd never let go of your wife, divorce and be with her, even though in certain moments that is what you wanted. Problem is, you let pure lust emotions, crush like feelings RULE over long lasting love, all that you have with your wife. OFcourse those feelings are intense, but they also aren't focussed on the 'woman' she truly is. It's all based on selfish feelings, in the heat of the moment stuff..Not everyday crap, day in and day out routine.

 

Hope this makes sense to you.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

 

Are there any stories out there where these things actually do work out? What's the secret? Dumb luck?

 

Is it dumb luck??? Possibly. I stole a few snippets from posters in your other thread.

 

It makes sense to me I never really examined her faults or personality or saw anything negative in her as I would not allow myself to. I was only in the A because there was this amazing force pushing us together that neither of us could resist!

 

I think that some people do see the faults but decide that they are nothing compared with the feelings that they are experiencing. It's that dopamine response that creates the high... it can't last forever.

 

 

 

Deal with the fantasies/memories - This is one of my greatest challenges. As long as you focus on fantasies and memories, you will keep feeling the "high", and that keeps the affair "alive." The good news is that as time goes on, these fantasies and memories won't be able to produce that intense "high" any longer. The memories and fantasies will start to blurr and the feelings will start to fade. But it takes time.

 

And....

 

I really think you need to take a look at affair dynamics. You wife couldnot compete with this other woman. SHe's familair and has other responsibilities. You say she is a good wife but she is familiar to you and there is no way she could generate the excitement you had in the affair.

 

Once the other woman becomes part of normal, and part of reality and brings with her even more reality... that "high" doesn't exist any longer.

Your body is hardwired for this... it isn't a choice. If you continue to dwell on her then you are continuing your pain/hurt because you are emotionally creating the high.

 

The fantasizing can become an escape from reality ... so noone really knows what you are left with when the reality of reality sets in. If you left for her today, from the articles I have read... it would be about 2/1/2 years as an estimate before you would even find out. Beyond that ... the "connection" "spark" what ever you want to call it, will fade.