flyerboy48 Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 This is my first post and I truly need some advise...it is a long story so please bear with me. My girlfriend broke up with me in June. It was a very rough for me. She gave me the typical line of ‘it’s not you, it’s me’. She said that she is getting ready to start her last year of nursing school and did not want to be bothered with a boyfriend. Even though I helped her with homework, stayed out of her hair when I knew she was busy, supported her in any way that I could during her first year in school, she still did not want to be bothered with a boyfriend during her last free summer and last year of nursing school. She told me that I was too nice...that I lived in a ‘happy’ bubble. She told me that I should date other girls ( I only had one other serious girlfriend before her...I’m not the type of guy who dates a girl just to date. FYI..I am 27 she is 23). She said that I do not know what I want ...which I told her was bull and that it was uncalled for. For a couple weeks we argued to each other. I called her some names I should not have, etc. I asked her to stop calling me and seeing me. Well that never happened and because I still loved her and didn’t want to seem like an ass, I answered. We became close again, even though were not ‘together’. She called me every morning, every night before bed and multiple time during the day. This still happens everyday...like clockwork. We still hang out on weekends, we see each other everyday when we both run together in the park. We have since gone on vacation together. She has gone to family functions with me. We still attend sporting events together. We still go out to eat together. From the outside, everyone still thinks that we are together. She has made comments like....when your kids, whether their mine or not, will do XX when they grow up. Or your wife would be upset, unless I am your wife...since we have broken up. I got an email fro her aunt about two weeks ago saying that she missed seeing me at an event with her family (I was working). Her own family still wants me around and obviously have no clue about us. She still occasionally calls me my pet name. Still gives me hugs and kisses on the lips. She still flirts every now and then. FYI, I have stopped writing her romantic letters or giving her gifts just because. If am busy with something I do not drop everything and be at her beckon call. I rarely initiate contact. It is all her. I know that she still loves and cares for me. She tells me that a lot. But on other hand she always likes to say things like, when we were together, you know we are broken up, what if I get another boyfriend. What should I think/do? I still love her death and understand that she does not want to have a boyfriend a right now. 90% of things between us are the same (minus being intimate and my daily visits to her house). Is there a chance for us getting back together? I just do not understand. Should I just stop all this togetherness? In a nutshell this has been my life the past 5-6 months.
Ronni_W Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Well...you ARE making yourself awfully available and accessible, aren't you? Really very nice and sweet of you but... How I'd look at it is: what inspiration/motivation are your own actions providing her, to get off the fence and either get back with you, or keep her appropriate distance so that you can start to dissipate your "love her to death" feelings? In other words, you have not at all been promoting your own cause (whether that is reconciliation or moving on) these past 5-6 months. Do something different. Even if that is having a conversation with her, telling her that you want to reconcile but if she does not want to, that's fine but she will only be seeing you once in a blue moon, from now on. She said that I do not know what I want You were right -- strong suspicion that she was talking about herself -- projecting her self-confusion and lack of clarity onto you. She is entering a major transitional stage -- moving to next phase of adulthood, graduating nurses' training, entering the workforce. It comes with having to make decisions that will have a more permanent, longer-term impact on her life. Her confusion is understandable...she just got confused as to actually owns the confusion that she is experiencing .
openbook08 Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 aww flyerboy48 sounds an awful lot like my ex.. he also broke up with me in june (you can search for my ridiculously long first post!!) said all the same stuff as your ex... now is with another girl! I literally had to break ALL contact (best move ever) keep busy plan all your weekends..take up new hobbies (cliche I know but done me the world of good Id never have taken a class on my own before) that would be my advice to you. its not good for you. and all this false hope shes giving you will be a cold hard slap in the face when/if she takes up with Mr. New. and where does that leave you??? still at square 1. luckily I managed to really break free just before I found out about new girlf so as one poster kindly put it Id at least begun some kind of healing process. fyi Im 26 he was 23!! and I genuinely believe now if you wanna be with someone youll go to the ends of the earth to do so. thats her job now! good luck! theres lots of excellent advice on this site, mine might not necessarily work for you but people have been kind enough to respond to me so paying in forward! (in the heartbreak way !!!!)
markyboy1983 Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 I think the best thing you can do is tell her how u truly feel (If u haven't already yet.) Then go no contact with her. You guys have been off/on/whatever for about 5 months now. U have a life that u have to live. If she really wants to be with you then she will call you. If not, as hard as it is to take, it probably won't work. If you do go NC, then, as hard as it is, u gotta stick with that decision, even if it means weeks/months, because in the end it can only work in ur favor. Either she calls u and reconciles or u move on. win win situation. Hope this helped. Stay strong brother.
Dmoney28 Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 i fully understand what you are going through. Except my case is diffrent. I cheated on my EX GF(VERY bad thing..oh i wished i didnt do it). After months of psychologist sessions and church groups to improve myself and address the issue....we were finally on 'friendly" terms. Not too much yelling and angry emails....after i explained the full affair in detail. She wants to be friends right now...and see if she can trust me. So i have no choice but to wait this long hard.....1 in a million chance of us getting together, and rightfully so because of what i did. I love her and she still loves me so my friendship card might be a 5-7 month deal from today. So if you love her and see a glimmer of hope, stick with it. If not......Go full NC. you have to, it might force her to make a choice, seeing that you wont wait around forever. And we all here know that limbo area of "will she take me back, or will she not" kills your spirit. You would never get full rest and peace of mind......cuz you know that phone call is comming. You know the phone call........"yeah, it might not be best if we hang out, or talk so much....there is guy im getting kinda serious".....and BOOM goes the dynamite....transfered months ago into pain and sorrow in a blink of eye.....what a dangerous game we play...trying to reconcille a second chance. Just pray your love for one another is strong and you guys had good memories. This IMO is the only way that odds are increased.
Author flyerboy48 Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 UPDATE: This past weekend was very interesting. On friday night she went to her niece's birthday party without me. She went with a guy 'friend'. This is her ex from about 5 years ago. They still remained friends since they broke up but he is the only guy friend of hers that we never went out with. I got 6 phone calls up until 6pm friday afternoon and nothing after. Anyway, Saturday comes and she comes to my house in the morning. We cook food for a BBQ we are going to at my parents house. While cooking she hugs me a coupe of times and kissed me on my lips. We go to the BBQ...while in line getting our lunch she just comes out of no where and kisses me on my cheek. Later we are sitting in the living room me on the floor leaning against the sofa, she is sitting on the sofa directly behind me. She is played with my hair and my ear lobes (don't ask!). She gives me a kiss on the lips before she goes to work on Saturday afternoon. She called me after to work to say good night. Sunday, we go to church together in the morning and after church we go visit my parents again. My nieces and nephew are in town (they live out of town). Then we go a separate ways and then she calls me in the late afternoon asking me to come over and hang out. She did some home work. I watched a movie, we talked, we had dinner with her mom. And then she called me at night to tell me good night. On one hand she goes to this party with another guy then she spends all weekend with me and flirts the whole time.....what am I to think?
SgtPepper Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 I think your ex is doing just what my ex is trying to do--have the best of both worlds. She gets to have you as the safety relationship. You are comfortable and familiar and oh so available. Meanwhile, since she "broke up" with you, you have no right to ask for any sort of commitment, right? In her mind, she can see other people with no hassle because she is single. Now, is that what you want to be--the safety hatch? Believe me, I have to ask myself that question every single day. Trust me, I doubt that it means she wants you back. It just means you haven't forced her to let you go, so why should she?
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