ohmy3 Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 my husband is emotional unavailable to me an i am growing to hate him for it , maybe 1-2 time over our 13yrs marriage, has he ever held me when i am that upset to cry, (which isn't real often , like once in a blue moon) how do i trust him when in a time of need (crying-melt down) he will do nothing, all he needs 2 do is hug me in that part of pain ,i can't trust him w/ my feelings when i am weak he withdrawals (NEVER) comforts me how do u trust in that? "i feel like a fool" yes we have been in MC and he been asked to be more open agrees when we there (to show face i guess) however not able to w/ me in anyway, he has no compassion for me, yes 13-14 yrs of my life an upcoming BDAY (yr older) make me wonder what is the pay off i am getting outta this, he had a good up brining and very close w/ his mom and i see her hug him so i know it not about any 1 but him, i see that his actions in my time of need (it be a fight we had-death-or just overwhelmed w/ life) that trigger tears from me - he willn't display any compassion towards an i know he's able to as we have 2 kids and he comforts them when they may have a time of need..... I say again " I feel like SUCH A FOOL" ........ our true feelings show in our actions (well my belief). and his seems to NOT be of any goodness in his heart for me, if i can't trust him to be my rock when i fall it being this simple i mean simple how do you contuine living like what you know and see as uncaring = to love?
Owl Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 It sounds to me like you've taken all the 'right steps'. You've communicated clearly to him how strong this need is for you... You've discussed it in MC (what led you to MC, if you don't mind my asking?), but he's still not doing anything to fulfill this need. Does he clearly understand how STRONG this need is for you? How important it is...and what the potential disasters are that could happen if he doesn't meet it? In other words...what are you considering doing if you find that he simply CAN'T or WON'T open up emotionally to you? Divorce? Find someone else? And does he know that these are the possible outcomes if he doesn't change? If he doesn't know this...make it clear. If he still refuses to change...then perhaps you need to discuss seperation/divorce?
jwi71 Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 my husband is emotional unavailable to me an i am growing to hate him for it , maybe 1-2 time over our 13yrs marriage, has he ever held me when i am that upset to cry, (which isn't real often , like once in a blue moon) how do i trust him when in a time of need (crying-melt down) he will do nothing, all he needs 2 do is hug me in that part of pain ,i can't trust him w/ my feelings when i am weak he withdrawals (NEVER) comforts me how do u trust in that? "i feel like a fool" yes we have been in MC and he been asked to be more open agrees when we there (to show face i guess) however not able to w/ me in anyway, he has no compassion for me, yes 13-14 yrs of my life an upcoming BDAY (yr older) make me wonder what is the pay off i am getting outta this, he had a good up brining and very close w/ his mom and i see her hug him so i know it not about any 1 but him, i see that his actions in my time of need (it be a fight we had-death-or just overwhelmed w/ life) that trigger tears from me - he willn't display any compassion towards an i know he's able to as we have 2 kids and he comforts them when they may have a time of need..... I say again " I feel like SUCH A FOOL" ........ our true feelings show in our actions (well my belief). and his seems to NOT be of any goodness in his heart for me, if i can't trust him to be my rock when i fall it being this simple i mean simple how do you contuine living like what you know and see as uncaring = to love? How long have you been in MC? For me, if you have been in MC for "a while" and he hasn't changed then you have little recourse except sme form of "leaving". To me, that would be an established behavior pattern that he is unwilling to change. I also have concerns about his behavior in MC. If he tells the counselor he will "change" or "be available" then doesn't - he is at least misleading your counselor. Have you called him on that in MC? MC should be a place of total honesty. And both parties should feel safe enough to be open and honest. It is not a place to hold back. Out him on it. As he is close to his mother, have you spoken to her? Bluntly, openly and honestly about her son's lack of availability to you and how it affects you? As far as that goes - have you told him?
Author ohmy3 Posted November 6, 2008 Author Posted November 6, 2008 you know it has just occurred to me, that i have used sex w/ my husband as a band adie (ie: i always the 1 rather asking him if he wants it or coming on to him) been the other ongoing thing from the start as well as the listed above however i find this goes hand in hand, as per past post of mine back in 2006 started hubby say i wanted sex w/ him a bit to much as it was a lot a lot now normal but this seem to to be the ONLY way he will be close to me then rush off to sleep.
pelicanpreacher Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 Your husband is a "moma's boy"! The fact that he can openly show love and affection toward her but not you speaks volumes as to his predilections on this issue. The fact is, he want's you to begin surrogately taking on the role of his mother for his needs are the only needs that matter to him. I'll bet my bottom dollar that if you do this you will see your "man-be-moma's-boy" transform in his openess to show affection before your eyes. Be not ye yolked unequally for you need a partner...not a child!
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